Monday, August 28, 2006

The 5 Hardest Coaches in College Football

Rated on a hardness scale of 1-5, 1 being Fred Ward (pretty hard) and 5 being Mickey Rourke (hard). (5) Frank Solich, Ohio Solich resembles one of the Irish mobsters from "Road to Perdition." His Mick street name is Frankie the Pearl. Known for his hot temper and precision with a shiv, Frankie must never be crossed, whether in business or with a poorly executed Triple Option. The only head coach in football history who blew a .94 BAC and then juggled the severed testicles of his arresting officer. Hardness Score 2.57 = Lorenzo Lamas (4) Larry Coker, Miami Do not let appearances fool you. Although Coker is affectionately called "Uncle Fester" by his close friends, he is known as "The Phantom" to his knowledgeable enemies. Some ask whether he is a wizard or a genius. Coker is renowned for his stealth and persuasive abilities. He has been known to influence referees during games with his advanced ESP. Snopes.com reports that Coker learned these skills during a childhood spent in captivity with the inventor of Dungeons and Dragons and the kid from "Powder". Hardness Score 3.78 = Gary Busey (3) Mark Mangino, Kansas Mangino has only one handle - Big Vulva. His strongarm tactics and merciless methods reportedly led to his departure from the University of Oklahoma. Inside sources there speak in hushed tones of an incident involving a drunken Big Vulva, a large battleaxe, a terrified Bob and Mike Stoops, and sex acts with Jason White's various knee braces. Many believe that Mangino's physical abilities are limited by his grotesquely short arms. A word of caution to any challengers; Mangino is most feared for his devastating axekick. Hardness Score 3.91 = John Goodman as Walter Sobchak (2) Sylvester Croom, Mississippi State Croom is a black man in a white world. He might as well have taken the head soccer job in Kelsterbach, Germany. The fact that he lives next door to Dewayne Travis, inventor of broilsted peanuts and founder of the Gentlemanly League of Southern Bigots, speaks to his hardness. But Croom is no martyr. Known as "Serrated Blade" among various gangs from Memphis to Little Rock, Croom has established a reputation as a brutal assassin and spry negotiator. He once talked a man out of his own kidney and then removed it himself. Hardness Score 4.13 = Carl Weathers (1) Joe Paterno, Penn State JoePa is the envy of every wise guy that ever lived. When God created South Jersey, he stared real hard at a sculpture of Paterno. When Jesus Christ spoke of the meek inheriting the earth, few know that he added a caveat - do not, under any circumstances, mess with JoePa. JoePa's greatest asset is his feigned modesty. Although a millionaire a thousand times over, JoePa keeps the Tommy Racinelli's and Tony Lubiani's of the world loyal by dressing like a toll booth operator. Check the tinted specs from the set of Donnie Brasco, Judge Smails' tie, the Dockers (Comfort Fit), and the jacket that he stole from the lost and found after the 1986 PSU/Michigan game. Few know of his elaborate tastes, however. JoePa reportedly has an insatiable appetite for Italian race cars, quality mescaline, and classy amateur porn. Before his untimely death, Eazy-E was once quoted as saying that JoePa "could snort more blow than a Peruvian army." He is an avid collector of hot tubs. JoePa's influence is felt in nearly every corner of the world; it has been said that he is an Illuminati, a former Olympian, the real author of the Harry Potter series, a respected Asian chef, and the international authority on sensual massage. He is, in a word, hard. Hardness Score 4.85 = Al Pacino when he is yelling

4 comments:

Urban said...

Fuck you punks, I moved to Florida because the state is shaped like a pistol

Lloyd Braun said...

Mickey Andrews always freaked me out for some reason.

irishjihad said...

Way to raise the bar volfan.

Ty Willingham said...

Bitch, I can kill you just by staring at you.

Now hand me my 7-iron or go fuck yourself. Makes no difference to me.