Tuesday, August 29, 2006

The First Annual Papi's

You’ve seen the Emmy’s,. You’ve read the Herbie’s. Now it’s time for the first annual Pre-Season Papi Awards. The Cap Dat Ass Award goes to Miami safety Willie Cooper, who was shot in the ass outside his Miami house. The best part about this story is that his teammate and roommate, Ryan Meriweather, pulled a semi-automatic pistol from his pants and returned fire. I would have been more surprised if Meriweather wouldn’t have been strapped. No matter how many packs of coaxial cable Tennessee players steal, Miami will always be Thug U. The Uncle Rico “I can throw a football over that mountain” Award goes to the recently named Georgia starting QB, Joe Tereshinski. Here’s what one UGA fan had to say about Joe…” He has the weakest arm of the bunch. He cannot make the throws that even a college QB must make. He cannot throw over the middle, because a linebacker will have all day to jump in front of the ball. He can throw the 5 yard quick out, but anything over 7 yards will be intercepted. He cannot, under any circumstances, throw the long ball. “ GET EXCITED GEORGIA FANS!! Speaking of the UGA QB competition… The Rick Clausen Take My Ball and Go Home Award goes to UGA QB Matt Stafford. After coming in 3rd (or 4th depending on what you read) in the Dawgs QB derby, message boards exploded with rumors that the former 5-star recruit was considering a transfer to Oklahoma or Texas. Hey if you get beat out by a noodle arm and a guy that looks like a used tampon and was only taken so the Dawgs could land Mohamed Massaquoi, then I would be looking to transfer too. At least he didn’t go Rick Clausen and throw his coach under the bus on national TV. The Hardest Head Coach Pose Award- This one goes to the Urban Meyer point and stare.
When Urban breaks out his move, Chris Leak’s colon goes into massive, uncontrollable spasms, spraying more shart than when he tries to turn the corner on an option play. Mr. Meyer couldn’t be with us tonight to accept the award but I’m sure somewhere, he is weeping hysterically. The “Otter” Straton Party Animal Award- goes to former Volunteer signee Lee Smith. Two weeks before Smith even enrolled at UT as a freshman, a story broke that said Smith was banging his assistant principal Kim Kallenberg/ Less than a week later, Smith was arrested for DUI after he parked his car on a sidewalk. I really hope Smith was hammered when he decided to pound Kallenberg, because beer goggles can be the only explanation for wanting to bang this hag.
The Toilet Bowl Award (for shittiest place to watch a game)- Without a doubt this is the Orange Bowl in Miami. It’s in the middle of Little Havanna, so if you want to park, you better know some Spanish. The stadium is hardly ever more than ¾ full and those fans are pretty much retarded. The stadium is an absolute hole. It really is a complete piece of shit. Vanderbilt has a better stadium. There is no atmosphere at all, but the pumped in crowd noise and smoke entrance sure is cool. The Gayest Thing I’ve Ever Seen Award- goes to the Troy Offensive Line. This one isn’t even close. While the idea of a massive slip n’ slide is…well…fucking awesome, letting this picture get out is definitely not. And finally... The Tongue My Balls Memorial Trophy goes to that fucking asshat Mark May. I am sick and fucking tired of hearing this no-talent hack blather on about shit he has no clue about. Saying shit like “I’m from Missouri, so show me.” isn’t funny Mark…it‘s just sad. Do us all a favor, shut the fuck up and tongue my balls. Email Big Papi at BigPapisInbox@gmail.com


Graves said...

The Tongue My Balls Memorial Trophy

Certified Gold.

S said...

the guy in the front HAS to be team manager.