Thursday, September 14, 2006

Big Papi Breaks 'Em Down...

It's almost here. The matchup that Vol fans and Jort wearers have been looking forward to for months. It's Vols v. Gators...Mullet v. Jort...Orange v. that crappy Orange...and as my man the Sport's Guy would say, it's time to break them down, Dr. Jack style. Quarterbacks No one in the country is hotter than Erik Ainge. He's leading the NCAA in pass efficiency and has already eclipsed his touchdown total from last season. He looks like a completely different QB under Coach Cut, confident and in control. Leak, on the other hand, has a spastic colon and a fear of contact...not a good combination when you run the spread option.
Guess who shat himself again.
While he does throw a great ball, a one good shot from Jerod Mayo or Xavier Mitchell will have him cowering in the fetal position. Edge- Vols Running backs Even though the status of starter Arian Foster is up in the air, Tennessee has a couple of dynamic backups in Montario Hardesty and Lamarcus Coker. Want to know what the Gator backfield looks like? Go to Taco Bell and down a couple of bean burritos. Head back home and to your bathroom. Sit down on the toilet and squeeze (for help, think of being the QB that runs the spread option in the SEC). Stand up and look at what's floating. That's what the Gator backfield looks like. I should probably mention that 14 of the last 16 games in this series have been won by the team with the most rushing yards. Enjoy that thought Gator fans. Edge- Vols Wide Recievers If it were up to the Urban Legend, he would run an offense with 11 wideouts. They are deep and they are talented, led by senior Dallas Baker. Someone should probably remind him not to slap anyone when the game's on the line though. The Vol recievers, while not as deep, have been absolutely incredible. Robert Meachem has been dominating DBs and Jayson Swain has caught everything thrown his way. Edge- Draw Offensive Line The Gator offensive line is in shambles and riddled with injuries. According to Trent Hobbs at Volkwest.com, "These guys pretty much blow." Chris Leak is trembling with fear at the thought of the UT defense running through this piece of shit line. The Vol OL hasn't allowed Erik Ainge to get touched yet this season. Not one sack through 2 games. Huge Edge- Vols Defensive Line After the Air Force game, the Vols thought they were going to be without star DL Justin Harrell for the remainder of the season. But, in one of the biggest "I'm a fucking bad ass" moves I have ever heard, he has decided to play his last game against Florida with a torn bicep. Yeah I don't even like typing for an hour after masturbating and this guy is playing a football game after tearing a bicep muscle. While their is a concern with depth, Xavier Mitchell had a coming out party last week against Air Force. He looked like a beast. The Gator DL has been unimpressive so far. Two sacks in two games against two shitty teams. Edge- Vols Linebackers I told you guys a few weeks ago to watch out for Ryan Karl. He has certainly made me look like a genius. 16 tackles in 2 games. Jerod Mayo has more sacks than the entire Florida defense combined. Like the Gator defensive front, the LBs have done nothing of note so far this season but they have talent in Brandon Siler and Earl Everett. Edge- Vols Defensive Backs Last week the Vols lost starting corner Inky Johnson to what could end up being a career ending shoulder injury. While they didn't have to scramble to replace him, depth has definitly become an issue with Roshaun Fellows already out for the year. The Gator D-backs have been spectacular so far. Saftey and sandwich enthusiast, Tony Joiner has played exceptionally well.
YAY HAM AND CHEESE!!
This unit is definitly the strongest on Gator D. Edge- Gators Special Teams Both team's special teams suck. Edge- Draw Intangibles The Vols are going to be emotionally jacked for this game. With Harrell coming back and the rumors of Inky leading the team through the T, the boys are going to be psyched to play and Neyland is going to be fucking rocking. I would like to thank Tony Joiner for the bulletin board material. I hope Chrissy likes Mayo on his sandwich. One last thing...Urban Legend's SEC road record....1-3. Edge- Vols Call me weird (which is probably true)...call me a homer, but I just don't see why this Gator team has gotten so much hype. I just don't see it. Final Score Vols- 31 Gators- 24

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

Phenomenal. Hope your wildest dreams come true. Absolutely hilarious metaphor (you know which one)!

Anonymous said...

Terrific humor, had me cracking for a full three seconds in several places. Keep up the crude but hilarious work.

Anonymous said...

So this is what a tenn grad does after college.

Anonymous said...

Greag predictiton

LWS said...

Who is Greag Prediction?