Monday, September 04, 2006

Cal Weekend Running Diary...

It was great to be back in Knoxville. I love the place. What was even better was giving Cal an old-fashioned SEC ass whipping. In fact, it was so great, I kept a running diary of the weekend. I won't bore you with the drunken details of friday night. Just know that it included multiple shots, lots of beer and a song from the movie Green Street Hooligans sung over and over and over. On to Saturday.... 8:08 AM: I wake up on the floor of my friend Jeff's apartment from the noise of Jeff dropping a flying elbow on our friend Turtle. My first thought..."How the hell did we get home last night?" Second thought..."Why the hell am I awake at 8 AM?". Roll back over and try to go to sleep. 8:10 AM: Flying elbow from Jeff...no shot at sleep. 8:27 AM: Crack open a beer to wash the taste of beer out of my mouth. 8:42 AM: We officially feel like shit. Turtle finds a reciept from IHOP in his pocket. Jeff's response..."We went to IHOP?" 9:08 AM: We put in Green Street Hooligans to see if we got the words to the song right...not even close. 9:45 AM: We just spent the last 3o minutes replaying the DVD, trying to write down the right lyrics to the song. It's always fun trying to translate garbled Brittish with a hangover. 10:00 AM: Time for Gameday...it's officially football season 10:12 AM: Why in the hell did they add another half hour to this show? 10:32 AM: We are the first customers of the day at Lenny's Sub Shop and we've been hungry as hell since 8. Places like this should open a drunk window. 10:34 AM: I find a Taco Bell reciept in my wallet....apparently we went to IHOP and Taco Bell. 11:15 AM: Back at Jeff's watching the rest of Gameday. Turtle has to get up and wipe Lou Holtz' spittle off the screen 11:27 AM: Jeff asks "How long until Holtz gets Gameday put on probation?" When he decides to leave, you know it's coming. 12:01 PM: Time for the only part of Gameday that's interesting, the picks. They flip-flop from earlier in the week with Corso picking Cal and Herbie picking UT......honestly, why do we even care? 1:33 PM: We are joined by several friends (Wes, Mike, Angela, and Sara)...LET THE TAILGATING COMMENCE!! Seriously, whoever came up with the idea of coming to the game early, sitting in the parking lot, and drinking beer deserves a fucking medal. Can someone contact the Nobel Prize committee ASAP? 3:22 PM: After much consumption of beer and fried chicken, we head over for the band's "Salute to the Hill". The crowd for it was larger than I've seen in years. A Cal fan asks "What are they all waiting for?" Welcome to the SEC, pal. 4:03 PM: We head over to another friend's tailgate near the library. When we're getting close, Jeff asks "How in the hell did we walk up all these hills everyday?" My answer..."We didn't drink nearly as much." 4:31 PM: After some more beer, we head over to Neyland and to our new seats. We've moved over to Y-6 this year from section N in Coffin Corner. We are in the newly rennovated area and damn it looks nice. 5:22 PM: After the pre-game invocation, several Cal fans look at each other and ask "Who's God?" 5:26 PM: Jesus Christ, the new drum major sucks. He high steps like a 80 year old man. It's pretty bad when you are a downgrade from the girl the year before. 5:30 PM: The T opens up to a deafening roar. The Cal fans collectively shit themselves. 5:33 PM: IT'S FOOTBALL TIME, IN TENNESSEE!!! On the kickoff, Robert Ayers and Andre Mathis absolutely destroy the Cal wedge. One player struggles off the field like I stumbled out of Toddy's last night. 5:34 PM: After Longshore connects with Robert Jordan for a 31-yard gain on the first play of the game, UT fans collectively yell "Oh Shit". 5:40 PM: Huge sigh of relief from Vol fans as Cal follows with 3 plays and a punt. 5:52 PM: Neyland is fucking rocking. Hey Nate, it's a little louder than the video game isn't it? 6:07 PM: Ainge to Brown TOUCHDOWN TENNESSEE!! GQ posters say "So what? Crompton would have thrown AND caught the pass." 6:26 PM: Longshore is sacked two plays in a row by Jerod Mayo. Marshawn Lynch helps him up off the field and says "This must be what defense is." 6:34 PM: Ainge throws an interception. The GQ-ers get an erection in anticipation of the Jon Crompton era. 6:40 PM: Antwan Stewart picks off a Longshore pass. He is officially in Hell. 6:52 PM: TOUCHDOWN TENNESSEE!! Ainge to Meachem. Every Vol fan,including myself, is in total shock. 7:07 PM: Halftime... As they are leaving the field, Longshore asks Tedford if they can leave now. I'm really impressed with the Vols right now. The offense looks completely different. There is barely any pressure on Ainge at all. Ainge looks really confident in the pocket and the WRs only have one drop. What a difference some competent coaching can make. 7:29 PM: TOUCHDOWN TENNESSEE!! Ainge to Meachem again on the 2nd play of the half. They both turn and give the GQ the finger. 7:37 PM: Longshore is totally overwhelmed. It's obvious he has never seen anything like this in the Pac-10. He will soon be weeping like Urban. 7:40 PM: TOUCHDOWN TENNESSEE!!! Ainge to Swain on a beautiful 50 yard pass. The GQ is absolutely speechless. 7:59 PM: TOUCHDOWN TENNESSEE!! Montario Hardesty with an amazing 43-yard run. So much for a Pac-10 team with a good D. I remark to Jeff, "We are kicking their ass worse than I did in the video game." 8:04 PM: S-E-C!! S-E-C!!! S-E-C!! 8:08 PM: Longshore has officially shart himself. Ayoob takes over and throws a pick six plays into the drive. GET EXCITED CAL FANS!! 8:24 PM: The GQ is ecstatic as the Crompton Era finally begins..........in mop up duty. The rest of the game is pretty uneventful. Cal's starters put up a couple of late scores against the UT second teamers. After one TD, former gymnist Desean Jackson decides to taunt the crowd. How bout another flip Desean? Crompton flattens a defensive back on a QB sneak that the GQ-ers immediately declare the play of the game but the Big Orange Messiah is stopped on the 3 to end the drive. Did I mention Cal still has their offensive and defensive starters in the game? They add another meaningless TD against the 2nd string after the Vols basically downed the ball with runs up the middle...and then proceed to attempt an onside kick with 9 seconds left in the game. There's another thing the SEC has that the Pac-10 doesn't.....class. 8:51 PM: VOLS WIN 35-18!!! THE BIG ORANGE IS BACK!!

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