Loser With Socks

NEW BLOG ADDRESS FOR LWS

2006-10-23T04:29:00.000-07:00

I was attempting to import the posts from Blogger to Wordpress and they have not made it. Grill viper the lazy shit, wants me to copy and paste all 319 posts over. The new blog is a work in progress so bear with us Here is the new Blog Address: http://loserwithsocks.wordpress.com/

Loser With Socks: LWS Pick'Em

2006-10-22T16:30:00.000-07:00

LWS Pick'Em

2006-10-20T06:41:00.000-07:00

Lloyd Braun Alabama @ Tennessee -Vols (barely) Georgia Tech @ Clemson - Clamson Texas @ Nebraska - Nebraska UCLA @ Notre Dame - Notre Dame Iowa @ Michigan - Iowa Boston College @ Florida St - FSU. Rutgers @ Pittsburgh - PITT Wisconsin @ Purdue - WIsconsin Texas A&M @ Oklahoma St. - Aiggies Cincinatti Bowtie Alabama @ Tennessee - Tennessee Georgia Tech @ Clemson - Clempson Texas @ Nebraska - Nebraska UCLA @ Notre Dame - God Squad Iowa @ Michigan - Upset special - Iowa Boston College @ Florida St. - Diddy Bowden Rutgers @ Pittsburgh - Rutgers Wisconsin @ Purdue - Cheeseheads Texas A&M @ Oklahoma St. - 5thchoiceione Grill Viper (he reads Cosmo while taking a dump) Alabama @ Tennessee - Philopotamus eats Shula's lunch Georgia Tech @ Clemson - Climpsun Texas @ Nebraska - Nebraska UCLA @ Notre Dame - Notre Poop Iowa @ Michigan - Michigan Boston College @ Florida St. - FSU Rutgers @ Pittsburgh - Pitt Wisconsin @ Purdue - Cheese Texas A&M @ Oklahoma St. - Who gives a crap? A&M Big Papi Alabama @ Tennessee - Vols Georgia Tech @ Clemson - Clemson Texas @ Nebraska - Texas UCLA @ Notre Dame - Notre Dame Iowa @ Michigan - Michigan Boston College @ Florida St. - Boston College Rutgers @ Pittsburgh - Rutgers Wisconsin @ Purdue - Wisconsin Texas A&M @ Oklahoma St. - A&M LWS Alabama @ Tennessee - Sorry IJ Georgia Tech @ Clemson - Bowden's Thugs Texas @ Nebraska - WWMBD UCLA @ Notre Dame - Fat boy Iowa @ Michigan - Drive myCarr Boston College @ Florida St. - BC Rutgers @ Pittsburgh - Shit on Pitt Wisconsin @ Purdue - Purdue Texas A&M @ Oklahoma St. - OSU Irishjihad Alabama @ Tennessee - Crimson Tide Georgia Tech @ Clemson - Georgia Tech Texas @ Nebraska - Texas UCLA @ Notre Dame - Notre Dame Iowa @ Michigan - Meeechigan Boston College @ Florida St. - BC Rutgers @ Pittsburgh - Pitt Wisconsin @ Purdue - Wisconsin Texas A&M @ Oklahoma St. - aTm Volfan2346685983 Alabama @ Tennessee - Vals Georgia Tech @ Clemson - GT Texas @ Nebraska - Texas UCLA @ Notre Dame - ND Iowa @ Michigan - Mich Boston College @ Florida St. - FSU Rutgers @ Pittsburgh - Pitt Wisconsin @ Purdue - Wisc Texas A&M @ Oklahoma St. - TAMU

College Football's Axis of Evil

2006-10-20T05:11:00.000-07:00

Columbia — Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the "Axis of Evil," South Carolina, LSU and Ole Miss today announced they had formed the "Axis of Just as Evil," which they said would be way eviler than that stupid UGA, Bama and Florida Gator Axis, the Losers with Socks website warned.

Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the new axis as having, for starters, a really gay name. "Right. They are Just as Evil... in their wettest dreams!" declared Urban Meyer. "Everybody knows we're the best evils... best at being evil... we're the best."

Officials from the University of South Carolina denied they were jealous over being excluded, although they conceded they did ask if they could join the Axis of Evil.

"They told us it (Axis of Evil) was full, it’s tough to explain to our players and fans. Our school has sucked for so long (3 bowl appearances all time) and no one really respects us. Dadgumit, we have tried the “black out” (A pathetic attempt for psyching out the opponent. Typically, the Gamecocks lost both of their “blacked-out” games.), frankly we are just not that scary" said Cock Coach Steve Spurrier.

"An Axis can't have more than three schools," explained Bama Coach Mike Shula. "This is not my rule, its tradition. In World War II you had Germany, Italy, and Japan in the evil Axis. So you can only have three. And a secret handshake. Ours is “fucking” cool, Shula said dropping a patented ‘Shula F-Bomb’."

THE AXIS PANDEMIC

National reaction to LWS’s Axis of Evil declaration was swift, as within minutes, as Southern Cal rattled it’s sabers by scoring another touchdown on Arkansas.

Elsewhere, peer-conscious schools rushed to gain triumvirate status in what became a game of Geo-BCS Musical chairs. Ohio State, Michigan, and Penn State said they had formed the Axis of Somewhat Evil, forcing Nebraska to join with Texas and Oklahoma in the Axis of Occasionally Evil, while Southern Cal, Colorado and UTEP established the Axis of Not So Much Evil Really As Just Generally Disagreeable.

With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable clubs filling up, Louisville, West Virginia, and Virginia Tech applied to be called the Axis of Schools That Aren't the Worst But Certainly Should NOT Be Asked to a BCS Bowl Game; Florida State, Miami, and Kentucky formed the Axis of Schools That Are Actually Quite Nice But Secretly Have Nasty Thoughts About Tim Tebow, while Clemson, Georgia Tech, and Vanderbilt established the Axis of Schools That Sometimes Ask Sheep to Wear Lipstick.

"That's not a threat, really, sheep are just something we like to do," said Clemson Coach Tommy Bowden.

While wondering if the other schools across the NCAA weren't perhaps making fun of them, a cautious LWS granted approval for most axes, although they rejected the establishment of the Axis of Schools Whose Names End in "State," accusing one of its members of filing a false application. Officials from Boise State, Fresno State, and Shippensburg State denied the charges.

Independent Notre Dame, meanwhile, insisted it didn't want to join any Axis, but privately, School Officials said that's only because no one asked them.

HT Satirewire

Big Papi Picks 'Em...

2006-10-19T23:56:00.000-07:00

Yeah you guessed it. We're doing the quick picks again. Interviewing a ghost took everything out of me (I've been freaked out by ghosts ever since I watched Casper stoned). That and it's nearly 3 AM and I'm leaving for Knoxville in the morning (Get your cigars ready, Vol fans. It's going to be an ass whippin') . Another solid 9-1, 52 point week last week. What did we learn? West Virginia can score FAST, Rutgers is for real, Mizzou isn't quite ready to make that jump (thanks for costing me the perfect week bastards), Brohm is back but rusty, Virginia is godawful, USC is very beatable, and Chris Leak is a pussy (well we already knew that one) and became one of the most hated people in the state of Florida. On to this week's picks. As always this comes from ESPN.com's College Pick 'Em Home teams in bold. 10 point game- Ohio State over Indianna 9 point game- Arkansas over Ole Miss 8 point game- LSU over Fresno State 7 point game- Oklahoma over Colorado 6 point game- Tennessee over Alabama 5 point game- Notre Dame over UCLA 4 point game- Michigan over Iowa 3 point game- Wisconsin over Purdue 2 point game- Texas over Nebraska 1 point game- Clemson over Georgia Tech Last week's record: 9-1 Record to date: 59-11

I've Been Talking with a Ghost...

2006-10-19T17:54:00.000-07:00

This was a really tough interview to put together. Do you guys know how hard it was to schedule a sit-down with Logan Young, a guy that's been dead for 6 months? You can't just give them a call. It takes some work. I thought of trying the whole ouiji board thing, but, according to Tri-Mar Paranormal Research, ouiji boards are "not a scientifically accepted form of ghostly research and are potentially dangerous as well." Plus, I thought it would be pretty close to impossible to decipher the incoherent ramblings of a drunk ghost one letter at a time. Next, I considered a seance, but learned they, if they aren't totally fake, can be dangerous as well. All I needed was the spirit of a douche-bag Bammer fucking up my apartment and drinking all my JD. I was at a loss. I talked to ghost hunters, psychics, delusional lawyers, bald bitter radio hosts, and even a bizarre, one-eyed gypsy named Phyllis. No one could help. I was really frustrated at this point. LWS was going to be really pissed if I didn't come through with this interview (He can be very demanding. Never bring up nipple clamps or electro-shock when around the Grill Viper). I needed to blow off some steam and clear my head, so I decided to head over to the Purple Church for the all you can eat contest (the most glorious thing I have ever seen) and a couple of lap dances. This is where things got a little wierd.... We're half way through "Gold Digger" and I've got Destiny's DD's flopping in my face, when all of a sudden a ghastly apparation appeared on her chest.... GoLY: Boy, if you want this interview, get your face out of those funbags and order me a shot of Jack. Now I've heard it's impossible to piss and shit at the same time, but the people that say that have never seen a ghost's head pop out between a stripper's tits. I flip backwards out of my chair sending drinks and Destiny flying (don't worry, her tits broke her fall) GoLY: Hehehe...I love doing that shit. Get off your ass, boy. I told you to get me some whiskey. I stand up, wide-eyed, reach out and try to touch his arm...my hand goes straight through. GoLY: Quit that shit. You can't touch a ghost, you dumb sonbitch. Now sit down, get me some bourban, and start asking me your fucking questions before I possess you and make you drop a duece on the stage. I start to slowly regain my composure and take a seat and order Mr. Young a bourban and a Long Island Ice Tea for myself. BP: Well Mr. Young, it sure was nice of you to come back from the dead to talk to me... GoLY: Hell son, you think I'm here to talk to you? I come here every other day to check out all the T and A. Tommy G. told me your skinny ass was wanting to chit-chat and when I saw ya sitting over here I thought I'd grant your wish.

Logan Young's favorite night at Platinum

BP: So you still speak with Mr. Gallion even though you're dead? GoLY: Of course, son. The man's a demon. Where I living now, it's kinda hard to get away from him. BP: A...a...demon? GoLY: You retarded, boy? Yeah, he's a fucking demon. Smells like sulpher. Servant of the Devil. A fucking demon. BP: What about Paul Finebaum? Is he a demon too? GoLY: That bald idiot? Naw, son. He ain't no demon. He's just a retard.

Tommy Gallion when he's not in court

At this point, our drinks arrive and I take a large chug of my LIT to settle my nerves. GoLY: Thanks, honey. Keem 'em coming. (He attempts to slap the waitress on her ass but his hand goes right through her) Hey there, boy. You're gonna have to help me out with this. I can't pick up the glass. (I pick it up and attempt to pour the whiskey into his mouth. It goes straight through him and right onto the floor.) DAMN I needed that. BP: Could you even taste that? A depressed look crosses his face. GoLY: Naw I can't taste it. But it sure brings back some memories. Me and the Bahr used to chug bottle after bottle of this shit while we discussed what players he wanted me to buy for him. BP: Speaking of the Bear, what was your relationship with him like? GoLY: Ah, me and the Bahr were great buddies. Still are by the way, though we don't have nearly as much fun now that we're in hell (Sorry Bama fans, there's the confirmation that the Bear is actually dead). We used to pound a few bottles of Jack, climb into my pick up truck and take out some mailboxes with a baseball bat. SHIT, them were great times. I remember when we took a shit in a paper bag(You hear that, boy we didn't use dog shit. We actually shit in the bag ourselves), put it on Johnny Majors' porch and set it on fire. That sonbitch was so pissed off when he stomped it out and realized the bag was full of shit. Hehehe, you shoulda seen his face!! I can believe there was shit in that bag. BP: What's your opinion of Roy Adams? GoLY: That no-good, back-stabbing, queer, sonbitch. You know me and him used to be big buddies? We hung out all the time. Then that bastard feed me a shitload of Jack and tried to cornhole me in his hottub. Now don't get me wrong, I love a good cornholing. The Bahr used to give 'em to me all the time. But that's only for the Bahr to do to me...ain't no man that goes by TennStud gonna slip it to me. Then that shit he pulled at my trial... BP: Your trial....Tell me Logan...what was it like to be a modern day slave trader? GoLY: Slave trader? Hell, son, all I did was give some people a little money to play football at Alabama, I ain't no slave trader. BP: You paid coaches large amounts of money for their athletes to go to Alabama. You bought human beings. That's the definition of a slave trader. GoLY: Spare me the self-righteousness, boy. I gave them boys money out of love, love for my Crimson Tide. If it wasn't for me, that program woulda sank to shit decades ago. You really think some boy is gonna come to Tuscaloosa, Alabama to play football? Have you been there? It's a shithole! I wouldn't take a piss in that town without wrapping up my package. So yeah, I bought me a few players...more than a few but I was doing it out of the good of my heart. You know how bad it gets down there when the Tide loses. Hell some daddy tried to shoot his kid. Imagine what's going to go down when that program goes completely into the shitter. It's going to be uglier than when I "fell down those stairs". Listen boy, I gotta get outta here. Satan gets his panties in a wad if we're gone too long. BP: One more question before you go...can I get a score prediction for the game on Saturday? GoLY: Let's see, how many of my boys are left down there.............................aw, shit. We're screwed.

IrishJihad's Top 25

2006-10-19T10:36:00.000-07:00

1. Ohio St. (Useless Nuts keep rolling, rolling, rolling, What!) 2. Michigan (ESPN/ABC/Disney execs have been seen praying in the Church of Tebow that the Wolverines don't stumble before they play OSU) 3. Louisville (What can IJ say? He thinks they're pretty good) 4. USC (Back to back to back subpar performances) 5. West Virginia (Do the 'Eers burn love seats, too?) 6. Texas (Improved since first game) 7. Arkansas (Let's see, the Hawgs beat..............) 8. Auburn (Who beat....................) 9. Florida (Who beat....................) 10. Tennessee (Who beat...................) 11. California (Who beat nobody, they play in the PAC-10) 12. Notre Dame (Game against UCLA may be closer than some think, and may not be) 13. Georgia Tech (Calvin Johnson + John Tenuda defense = a good football team) 14. LSU (2 losses were against a couple of pretty good teams) 15. Oregon (Holiday Bowl here we come) 16. Clemson (Saturday's game should be a preview of ACC Championship) 17. Wisconsin (Where do they find these runningbacks?) 18. Oklahoma (Gonna be a rocky road the rest of the way without AD) 19. Boston College (Did anyone think that BC would be the best newcomer in the ACC?) 20. Texas A&M (FranTeats doing his best to keep his butt out of the fire) 21. Missouri (IJ saw some idiot's poll last week that had Missouri in the Top 10) 22. Nebraska (Mmmmm corn) 23. Boise St. (BzzzzzzzzzzzBzzzzzzzzzz) 24. Rutgers (Will they pass the test of the Wannstache?) 25. Alabama (You people of the multi-shaded orange are going down!!)

OK, IJ knows what you're thinking. Arkansas at #7!?!? Well, IJ thinks Auburn is at least a Top 10 team(at least at this moment), and how can someone put Auburn over Arkansas after what the Hawgs did to them less than 2 weeks ago? Plus Arkansas' only loss came at the hands of USC. Even if the final score was a blowout, the game was close for over 3 quarters, with Robert Johnson as the QB. Arkansas still has to play LSU and Tennessee, both possible losses, but it's not out of the realm of possibility that they could win both of those, either. Then what would you have IJ do with them?
LSU has been the biggest disappointment for me so far this season. They would be undefeated if Mauck was the quarterback and a bag of rocks was the coach.
While it sucks that we'll probably never get to watch Adrian Peterson play in another college football game. IJ doesn't feel that sorry for him. He'll be resting easy sleeping on a mattress stuffed with $100 bills in a few short months.
Georgia, we hardly knew ye. Man, getting beat by a team coached by Steve Martin must sting. Just ask the Tennessee faithful how they coped?

Photos capture what Fulmer really does on sideline

2006-10-19T09:38:00.000-07:00

Fulmer seen here instructing players how to follow thru with the 'game plan' Fulmer trying to hide his exuberance after a well executed 'game plan'

Bammer Blog

2006-10-19T04:40:00.000-07:00

Check this shit. "(fulmer) He's known primarily for his success in recruiting the cream of the crop from our nations prisons, insane asylums." Fulmer certainly missed on Juwan Simpson, John Sara Jessica Parker Wilson and DJ Hall.

Phillip Fulmer has been described as "a genius," "the greatest coach to ever walk the planet," and "one handsome devil" by Vols fans. No one listens to them, though, since no one listens to ignorant hillbillies, and his reputation among those more familiar with college football and not hampered by a lifetime's worth of moonshine is far less flattering. He's known primarily for his success in recruiting the cream of the crop from our nations prisons, insane asylums, and Texas, and for being a big, fat, disgusting blob that bathes in giant tubs of Sam's Choice Imitation Velveeta to maintain his filthy hide's slimy texture.

http://www.rollbamaroll.com/story/2006/10/18/121235/53

College Flash Classics Part 2...

2006-10-18T13:55:00.000-07:00

College Flash Classics

2006-10-18T10:11:00.000-07:00

Bear and Jesus, What's the Difference?

2006-10-18T08:20:00.000-07:00

1. BEAR IS IN THE WITNESS PROTECTION PROGRAM. In February, 1983 President Ronald Reagan awarded Bryant the Presidential Medal of Freedom. It's ludicrous to believe that the Reagan would have issued a medal to someone not working for him, even Bear Bryant. Mysteriously, Six years later, the Berlin Wall fell 2. BEAR’s NAME IS MISSPELLED ON HIS TOMB. Bear’s son, Paul Jr., misspelled Bear’s middle name on the grave—Wiliam instead of William, as his mother named him. This is a sign that Paul Jr. knew that it was not his father in the tomb. 3. PHOTOGRAPHS OF THE CORPSE DON’T RESEMBLE BEAR In 1983, the National Enquirer paid a third cousin of Bear to smuggle a mini-camera in to the viewing of Bear’s body. The resulting picture was published in the Enquirer, and caused shock waves among Bama fans around the world. The eyebrows chin, and fingers all looked unlike Bear. 4. THE COFFIN WAS TOO HEAVY. The coffin weighed 900 pounds: Bear was not known to have been overweight at the time of his death. The only plausible account for that weight would be if the body was a wax dummy and there was an air conditioner inside the coffin to keep the wax dummy from melting. 5. KEN STABLER’s STRANGE QUOTE. Ken Stabler, a former Tide Quarterback, said in a press conference shortly after Bear’s death: ‘Bear didn’t die. The body did. We’re keeping up the good spirits. We’re keeping Bear alive. I talked to him this morning and he told me to 'carry on.’ Is it possible that there was a double entendre to those words: that they had literal truth to them that no one suspected at the time? 6. INCONSISTENCIES IN THE STORY The circumstances of death are described in conflicting ways. Witnesses disagree as to how the body was found and what Bear was wearing, when the body was found, whether it was dead already, when death was declared, and whether AR was tried. 7. THE BOOK DID NOT EXIST THEN The book the “Origins of Life” he is supposed to have been reading when he died was not published until a year later. 8. EVIDENCE THAT BEAR WAS PLANNING ON THE END There seems to be evidence that Bear was preparing for the end: —Why, for instance, did he order no new Hound’s-tooth hats for his new position as Athletic Director? —Why did he fire several old friends shortly before his death? —During his last game in the Liberty Bowl he was a sarcastic bastard, totally out of character for Bear: was he warning his fans? —Five months before hand, family members were suddenly cut out of his will. Did he realize he would need that money for his new life? 9. MYSTERIOUS FIGURE LEAVING MEMPHIS THE DAY AFTER On January 27th 1983, one day after Bear’s death, a ticket to Buenos Aires was bought at Memphis airport by a man looking like Bear and using the name Ron Mexico, a code name Bear frequently used when making hotel reservations for the Bear entourage. 10. NEW AUDIO OF BEAR’s PREGAME SPEECHES EMERGES In 2002, an independent label released a CD entitled Roll Tide Roll featuring Bear’s voice addressing the Alabama Football Team and making reference to Tennessee Head Coach Phil Fulmer. Fulmer was not the Tennessee Head Coach prior to January 26th, 1983.

This is Awesome

2006-10-17T18:50:00.000-07:00

From the 8th Maxim, I cried when I saw this

Rocky Top Talk Haiku; Bammer Edition

2006-10-17T18:31:00.000-07:00

Enter your Haiku here in the comments or follow the link Click Here are a couple Shula's on the way diurnal syncopation go to bed you F'bomber Ineffable sight With an "F"-bomb crevice Laughable Shula

Eleven Reasons Tennessee Sucks

2006-10-17T14:39:00.000-07:00

Now there are countless reasons why Tennessee and anything associated with Tennessee sucks. But for the sake of brevity because our site is just too damn long, here's eleven, in no particular order, off the top of my head. Feel free to add more in the comments. 11. Al Gore, Justin Timberlake, and Shannon Doherty - If you can name three people less deserving to be celebrities, well, I'd like to see you try. 10. Blumpkination of Jonathon Crompton (JCromp) - UT has one of the top QB's in the country in terms of passing efficiency in Erik Ainge, yet some 'insiders' still want to start a redshirt freshman over Ainge. And I guarantee some of these same people mock the Florida fans that boo Chris Leak. Rockhead, thy name is VolNation. 9. Erik Ainge - If for no other reason than the spelling of his name. What is he, some kind of viking? Oh yeah, and in case you didn't know, he's Danny Ainge's nephew. Thanks Verne. 8. Current crap emitting out of Nashville - No, I'm not talking about what is currently passing for a professional football team in The Music City. I'm speaking of the pop music that is being passed off as country music. Instead of Hank Williams or Merle Haggard, Nashville is pimping groups like Big and Rich. You may be coming to my cit-tay, but you're leaving with your asses kicked. 7. Game Maxims - C'mon Tennessee fans, you people make fun of Bama fans all the time for living in the past, yet your beloved Vols still quote a dead, alcoholic coach of your own before each game. And isn't there a certain game maxim that says to 'stress the kicking game'. How's that been working for ya? 6. Pigeon Forge - A poor man's Branson. Where else are you gonna find a store that sells only Dukes of Hazzard memorabilia? 5. The Sting - I think this has been discussed ad nauseum. 4. The 'woo' in Rocky Top - Volfan38742-387 has it covered 3. Rocky Top - Does the band not know any other songs? How many other schools have a fight song about bestiality and chasin' dem cotton-pickin' revenuers off'en my land? Ain't no smoggy smoke on Rocky Top? Hell, ain't no dental care practitioners either. It's a sad, sad day when a 'prestigious' university must steal a hillbilly anthem and use it as their fight song. 2. Fulmer is really fat - While a coach's enormous waistline is normally not a reason a team sucks, Fulmer's lard ass has severely eroded smack talk. It is almost too easy, and really requires little imagination to make fun of. But on the plus side, it does make for some farking goodness. 1. Pick a shade of orange and go with it - This pisses me off to no end. Not only did Tennessee pick one hideous technicolor for the school colors (there's a reason you don't see orange cars on a new car lot, people), but they can't even decide which God awful shade to go with. Never is it more evident than on the sidelines when Fulmer's sweatshirt is about 3 shades darker than the 'T' on his cap. Everytime I see that neon color of urnge, it takes me back to the time I vomited up some bad hot wings.

Fulmer Farks

2006-10-17T09:22:00.000-07:00

(Credit: Soonerfans.com Fark Board)

An LWS Exclusive: Mike Shula gets Candid in a One on One Interview

2006-10-16T16:55:00.000-07:00

I was amazed to get the chance to interview the Coach of the Alabama Crimson Tide. His face has graced the cover of magazines ranging from Athlon to National Geographic. I am speaking of the one , the only, Mike Shula. He agreed to do a light dinner at Taco Bell before he had to rush off and do a coaching clinic at a small high school nearby. He ordered a rather hardy meal consisting of 5 soft shell tacos and a Belle Grande Nacho Supreme while I opted for a Diet Coke.

As the interview was about to begin, it seemed he was staring off at something just behind my left shoulder. Upon turning, I realized nothing was there, and that perhaps his eye had drifted off. I chalked it up to his busy schedule and proceeded. LWS: John Parker Wilson (pictured below). He has really beefed up for his role as your starting quarterback. When we last saw him as Brodie Croyle's backup, he could barely fill out a pair of half-britches and a wool vest. Now it seems his rifle arm is being shown everywhere. What was it like to touch that Joe-Willie like arm?

MS: It was spectacular. But also kind of weird. He would always come up and ask me to touch his throwing arm. Between plays, y'know? Of course I'd oblige, but he always laughed like he was high or something. LWS: Intriguing. I'm hoping for quite an extensive behind-the-scenes extra on the rumor that you are going to "turn it on" for the big Tennessee game this weekend? MS: Yes, actually. We have had a plan in place for several months just for Tennessee. We played "vanilla" for the first half of the season camouflaging our explosiveness and our complex offensive schemes. Duke, Hawaii , Vandy Ole Miss and Florida were just feints, ruses and deceptions.I gotta watch my back, MTV is pushing that Hoover guy…Rush Probst (below)…all over the local media here. Gotta make him go away. Thank God for the KeepMikeShula website. The Bama fans love it and I really don't think that they "get" it. But hey, that's OK too. Nobody is the wiser.

It was at this point that I realized he was flexing and relaxing his biceps rapidly, a coy grin vapidly sitting upon his rather wide classic visage. I glanced at his arm , and pointed my pen at it. LWS: It seems you are working out as well. Are you on a new routine? MS: I am working out. Wanna feel? I nodded, and rather prodded his right bicep with my pen. Indeed , the muscle was rock hard and bristled at the barest touch angrily. MS: Actually, it was Coach [Name Redacted] who hooked me up with these totally kick ass anabolic-androgenic steroids. After like...a week of use I could feel my ass totally firming up. I almost choked on a small sip of diet coke while he continued in an eerily non-chalant manner. MS: I wear a ton of Under Armour stuff, since Auburn wears Under Armour; I believe that through wearing Auburn gear, I can really understand how Tubberville's mind works. I need to get some of Tubberville's Click Clack.

Suddenly, his drifting range of sight made a disturbing amount of sense. LWS: I...see. Are you aware that steroids have certain side effects that are not good? MS: Oh, totally. My wax bill every week is phenomenal. Let's just say I hope the Tennessee game goes as well as the last one, or I'm screwed. You should have seen the hair they got off my shoulders the other day. It looked like a cat stuck to fly-paper.

(I am hairy where it counts)

As I proceeded to actually choke on my soft drink, Shula must have discovered a discrepancy in his order as he flung a soft shell taco to the table in disgust. MS: WHAT THE FUCK? I ASKED FOR EXTRA SOUR CREAM. THOSE FUCKING DOUCHE-BAG RETARDS FUCKED UP MY TACO. I'M GONNA FUCKIN' CHOKE THEM! For a brief moment, based on the sheer explosiveness of the outburst, I thought that Ed "Batshit Crazy" Orgeron had entered the restaurant. I quickly recovered and made the mistake of trying to restrain the now enraged Coach Shula , but he shrugged me off like a golden retriever shedding water. After picking myself out of a nearby booth, I could only watch in horror as he made good on his threat to choke the cook. After about 20 minutes of a more than ample use of the phrases "Illiterate Ole Miss Rejects" and "douche-bag retards" , Coach Shula and I were escorted to the parking lot where I finished the interview. LWS: What are your future plans, once you are done with the Alabama franchise? MS: You mean after I have my people track down that motherfucker's (Taco Bell employee) address so I can beat the shit out of his family? I don't know. Probably another coming-of-age teen drama. He smiled at me then, crushed my fingers in a farewell handshake, and promptly left me sitting on a handicapped parking space bumper to contemplate the past hour of my life. Ole Miss Fans: Don't ever screw up a taco for a coach juiced up on steroids.

The Great Crimson Lie...

2006-10-16T16:19:00.000-07:00

Originally posted by McallieDawg on Volquest Chat (click title for link) If you read the NCAA records (online), you won't be left with a sense that Bama can legitimately claim 12 NCs. When you hear a Bammer fan say that Bammer has 12 NCs, you can immediately confront the LIE. Here are THE FACTS: 1925: There was no national champion (or championship) in 1925. Without exception, every poll mentioned in the NCAA record book was assigned retroactively no less than 1 year later, and as many as 55 years later. The two polling methods Bammer quotes are Helms (applied retroactively in 1941) and Football Annual/College Football Researchers Association (whose retroactive application of their method was no earlier than 1982, and is described in the NCAA Record Book as "conducted on a poll by Harry Carson Frye"). Who the hell is Harry Carson Frye? A Bammer? I just didn't get a good feeling about this, so I did a little more research. What I found was that Dartmouth appears to have the only legitimate claim to the 1925 championship, as the method used (Dickinson) came into being prior to 1925, although it was not marketed to newspapers until 1926. Dickinson's method seems to be the first to employ strength-of-schedule and a trophy (the Rissman Trophy). There is a lengthy write-up about the Dickinson poll on the USC website ( http://usctrojans.collegesports.com/sports/ m-footbl/spec-rel/101504aah.html); if you read it, it's pretty obvious that this was the prevailing method of the day. Scratch the alleged 1925 championship. This Bammer lie has been exposed and repudiated. 1926: According to Dickinson (the poll in use in 1926), Stanford is the 1926 National Champion. But wait a minute, the Bammers say... Alabama tied Stanford in its final game of the season (the Rose Bowl), and both were otherwise undefeated. The question is - was Dickinson applied after the head-to-head matchup? The answer is YES - check the Stanford website - Stanford received the Rissman Trophy. If there's any doubt - Notre Dame (believe it or not) has/had permanent possession of the Rissman Trophy; it may have an inscription indicating the 1926 National Champion. My guess is that it's got "Stanford" next to "1926", but if you want to be sure, call the Notre Dame Athletic Department; maybe they can tell you for sure. Without any better information.... Scratch the alleged 1926 championship. Another Bammer lie exposed and repudiated. 1930: Notre Dame is ranked #1 by 9 of the 13 polls recognized by the NCAA records for 1930. Of the 13 polls, only three were actually used in 1930: Dickinson, Boand, and Houlgate, and all three selected Notre Dame. The modern day NCAA consensus pick is also Notre Dame. Scratch the alleged 1930 championship. Another Bammer lie exposed and repudiated. 1934: Here's our first potential dilemma. Of the polls in use mentioned in the NCAA records, six are actually in existence in 1934, and they're evenly split between Minnesota and Bammer. The edge would seem to be in Minnesota's favor (Dickinson picked'em), but if we look further at the NCAA data, on p. 89, the modern-day NCAA consensus pick is Minnesota - who also at least shared the 1935 National Championship with SMU (who lost in their bowl game to Stanford). Minnesota also won the 1936 National Championship outright. Scratch the alleged 1934 championship. Another Bammer lie exposed and repudiated. 1941: Woops.... it's Minnesota again. Of the seven polls in existence at the time, Minnesota comes out on top in six (including Dickinson, and the Associated Press). Bammer comes out on top in only one (existing) poll, and no retroactive polls. But it gets better! During the season, Bammer lost to Vanderbilt (who ended the season unranked according to the AP) and Mississippi State (who ended the season ranked #16 according to the AP). AP puts Bammer at #20. No question here... Scratch the alleged 1941 championship. Another Bammer lie exposed and repudiated. 1961: No doubt here - it's Bammer's first National Championship. 1964: Sorry Bammer! No cigar!: Bammer was undefeated until it lost to #5 Texas (who was the unanimous 1963 National Champion) in the Orange Bowl. And if you can't beat #5, then you can't be #1. Isn't this obvious? Scratch the alleged 1964 championship. Another Bammer lie exposed and repudiated. 1965: Not much doubt here - Michigan State loses its bowl game, and Bammer moves up to #1 from #4. Bear gets National Championship #2. 1973: Sorry Bammer, no cigar here! #1 ranked Bammer plays #4 Notre Dame in the Sugar Bowl - and LOSES 24-23. Notre Dame moves up to #1, and is the consensus National Champion; to say Bammer is better than Notre Dame in 1973 is beyond delusional - it's an outright lie. The only reason Bammers claim they were National Champions in 1973 is because, at that time, the UPI poll didn't consider bowl games as the AP and other polls did. It would seem to most people that if you can't beat #4, then you can't be #1, but a deception based on an outdated poll is good enough for the Mullet Nation... Scratch the alleged 1973 championship. Another Bammer lie exposed and repudiated. 1978: Looks like a winner... Bammer loses early in the season to USC, but not long after, USC loses to Arizona State. Both win their bowl games, and finish 10-1. Bammer wins the AP poll, USC the UPI poll. It's Bammer's third National Championship. 1979: No question here... Bammer's 4th National Championship. 1992: No question here either - Bammer's 5th National Championship. ------------------------------------------------- SO..... in review: 12 - 7 = 5. FIVE NCs. And five only. Now that we know the correct number... what would have happened had the NCAA uncovered the corruption at Bammer back in 1958? I dare say there would be ZERO national championships, and perhaps several hundred FELONY CONVICTIONS...

Bama Fan to Return Home. Auburn Students Protest

2006-10-16T10:26:00.000-07:00

When I heard that Auburn students were gathering to protest the return of Bama fan Nathan Davis to the State of Alabama (Davis is planning on attending the Iron Bowl) by performing a group vomit, this was my first thought: Silly Barners. My second thought was: I gotta get in on this. I decided to practice my vomiting in the passenger seat of my Ford Expedition on the way to Auburn. I downed several fistfuls of the tiny bottles of Absolut that my Uma Thurman- looking wife kept handing me as fast as I could pour them down my throat. Then I leaned forward into the plastic garbage bag and tried to repulse myself with the image of Nathan Davis. Davis made internet history last year by displaying his hideous and garish tattoos all over SEC Message Boards. A brief description of the tattoos follows:

A Crimson Tide elephant adorns his right bicep, and a tattoo of the late Paul "Bear" Bryant decorates the left one. A likeness of former UA quarterback Kenny "Snake" Stabler is tattooed inside his right forearm and the Alabama state flag is sketched inside his left one. He has a matching set of signature Alabama A's inside each of his biceps, which he shows off when he flexes his muscles in the gym, and another one just below his Adam's apple. The outside of each of his forearms spells out the words "Rammer" and "Jammer," from the UA victory cheer. His "masterpiece", which cost $3,500 and took a couple of years to complete, is a portrait of Bryant leaning against a goalpost and wearing his trademark houndstooth hat. It covers the bulk of Davis' massive back.

No vomit was forthcoming. Was I a Bama-Monger after living here for over 3 years? No, that could not be it. Just last week I'd cursed out a Bammer who took a little too long crossing against a light on Ross Clark Circle in Dothan, but I had managed to refrain from smearing her under the tires of my SUV even though I couldn't catch the green. In true Bammer tradition, I spit Red Man at her and called her kids ugly bastards. So I waited ten minutes, availing myself of with an old copy of Sports Illustrated featuring "Bama's Back". No dice, not even the feature story on the impending doom on the SEC because of the Tide's return back to the national spotlight was imminent was going to work. I must really like Bama, I thought. I conjured a breaking-news tableau where Davis had announced his own unique and Bammer- proofed computer software to enhance photos. This made me sad, but my stomach was still cast-iron and unshakeable.

(Screenshot of the application has user friendly icons like Rebel Flags, sheep, money, ice cream cones and Bear Bryant that is virtually idiot proofed for any Alabama Fan to use) A confusing collage of alcohol-fueled imagery, but no nausea. I was starting to feel mighty homerish. I couldn't even puke on a cocktail of collateral damage and Rivals BamaOnLine.com homoerotica. I knew that I would never join the stomach-voiding protest. I passed the time staring out the window put away beer after beer while watching each small lil Bammer town pass by. Thinking to myself that this state really was just dial-up while everyone else was cable modem. Somewhere around my tenth pint of Foster's, I joined the anti-Bama movement. As I remembered this quote from Nathan: 'Sir, my mama always told me it doesn't make a difference how you find God, as long as you find him. And through UA, Bear Bryant, and Van Tiffin, I have found God.'

Pick 'Em Results

2006-10-16T10:22:00.000-07:00

Everyone not calling themselves Volfan90210 had a good week. Three and seven?!?! Irishjihad maintains his 3 game lead over Big Papi, while Cincinatti Bowtie is now only 4 games back. Last Week 1. Tie: Cincinatti Bowtie & LWS (8-2) 3. Tie: Big Papi, Lloyd Braun, Grill Viper, & IrishJihad (7-3) 7. Volfan90210 (3-7) Overall Standings 1. Irishjihad (63-15) 2. Big Papi (60-18) 3. Cincinatti Bowtie (59-19) 4. Grill Viper (55-23) 5. Lloyd Braun (53-25) 6. Volfan8675309 (50-28) 7. LWS (49-29)

Sweet Caroline and Frank Beamer's Broken Lunch Pail

2006-10-15T16:20:00.000-07:00

"Thank God for Miami"-Frank Beamer

ESPN cameras caught it all, every fumble, every interception, every personal foul, every embarrassing bit.

There were Virginia Tech's defensive players, including leaders Aaron Rouse and Vince Hall, pointing at each other and bickering after giving up the final touchdown. Later, inexplicably, there was linebacker Brenden Hill swaying as the band played "Sweet Caroline."

"It's been a little shaky in Blacksburg" Kirk Herbstreit noted after watching Hokie players fighting on the sidelines during the loss to Boston College. Is Frank Beamer losing control of his program? Or did he ever really have control of the program? Herbstreit further stated that the Hokies attracted players that were more interested in the NFL than Virginia Tech. The Hokies 10-34 record against top-10 teams should clearly demonstrate that the Lunch Pail Program (see below) might have a broken handle. Wanna read some funny shit? Check the Marcus Vick Fast Facts The Lunch Pail's History

The Lunch Pail was created before the 1995 season.

The Lunch Pail has been to 108 games and 13 straight Bowl games.

It has held turf from 47 opponents' fields.

The Lunch Pail proves that with hard work, comes heavy payoff. Much like a workman's lunch box, the VT lunch pail symbolizes the Hokies' blue-collar approach.

Photo Essay of Urban's Fall

2006-10-15T07:47:00.000-07:00

(Already on his back foot, a nudge was all that was required here)

(UGA, I run to the left 99% of the time)

(Leak, frozen with fear, attempts to give the ball away)

(In a rare photo, Leak looks for a Tiger in order to deliver some punishment)

(This guy had a good day, he finally made a field goal)

(Marcus has the munchies)

(It's OK Chris, I fear contact too)

Urban Meyer's Post Game Comments. A little long but very "pleasurable"

2006-10-14T22:31:00.000-07:00

Urban Meyer's Post Game Conference Comments (Editor Note, this is the very close transcript to Urban's Postgame Conference. We were able to capture Meyer's unspoken thoughts (in italics). Yes, We are mind readers.) Hattip to GT Gator (not his real name)for these notes. Support Urban and Tebow with this 100x100 Avatar. Perfect for message boards. (Thanks el brujo) Or this small bannner Here is the transcript Coach is a cinderblock, non-descript room. There is a podium and there are microphones... but there does not appear to be a moderator. ----------- Q. ? A. I thought his hand was going forward. We ran a play action pass to get him out on the edge.. edge pressure... I gotta watch the film, but obviously you can't have it.... you can't win that kind of game. {Like the LSU Game, we got all the calls. It was what they call home cooking down here? Right? Bear Bryant was the pioneer in that? Right?} Q. ... and then you get the ball back and throw the interception. [Can't make it out]... Kentucky game throwing off his back foot. A. [slight smile] (I always believes that Chris Leak chokes. That fucking CBS writer put me in a pickle. I had to stick with Leak…Shit… Classic don’t like contact shit…makes me ill) Q. What do you say to a senior QB who knows better than to turn the ball over in key situations? What can you say? A. You say that you're on a team and you're a group of seniors .. your first place in the SEC... you've got two weeks to go play in one of the great rivalry games of college football. (And finally I say to him: Step and take the fucking hit Chris, you are killing us.) Our job is to go compete for the SEC championship and that is what we are currently doing. We lost to a good team in a tough environment.... I don't know... what do you want me to say? Just don't do that... and let's get a little better and we'll practice extremely hard not to let that happen again (by moving Tebow in as the starter. Fuck the media) Q... Do you feel like the turning point was when Wilbur dropped the punt and you were still ahead? A... [Runs hand through hair] Yep. (He reminds me of horse) Q... Did he say anything extra... that's what happened? A... That's what happened. (Were you at the same game as us? What the fuck do you think happened?) Q... Did you have a chance to see what happened on that play? [Urban dabs his eyes] Punter's fault... snapper's fault? A... [slight pause, shakes head] I tell ya... I'll let you know more after I watch film. It's.... to sit here and stand up in front of a bunch of people and start blaming people.... [can't quite make out next few words sounds like several variations of the F word again] ... scored... should have not done that... should have not done a couple of other things that is part of college football. Q... Did you ever answer that question about the Leak fumble? A... [starts to shake his head in a "no" direction then says] Yea.. he shouldn't do that.... (he won’t do that again because its going to be hard to fumble a clip board) Q.... [from a diff person] You challenged it... what did you see on the field? A.... Shouldn't do that. It's fumble, then I thought it was an incomplete pass.. that is why we challenged it. I just had a guy tell me he thought it was an incomplete pass. I mean of course I'll watch it on video.... I guess it has to be evidence or whatever they say... (it has to be a forward pass. LSU Homecooking payback hell? Well I ‘m the new kid on the block and I really should just shut my my mouth. This ain’t the MAC or WAC) Q... You gotta live with it. You gotta live with the call. A... That's what you gotta do. That's what we have to do. We gotta get cleaned up and go home and try to keep our first place standing in the SEC that's the number one thing. (reaches for another tissue) How ya do that you gotta get a lot better... that's the problem. That's what we gotta do... gotta get a lot better. Q... How surprised were you that you only had the ball for about [tough to make out... "nine" something... minutes in the first half maybe?] A... Yeah we had I think three drives... scored on two of 'em.. then we had a safety... lot of crucial errors... that... and then special teams did not play well tonight... because it seemed like we didn't ..... Obviously we gave up that one score.. which.... we didn't drive em out....we usually play on that side of the field and it didn't happen tonight. Q... You guys [?] pretty well in the first half... moved the ball.... well you scored every time except the safety.... and then the second time... A... [He's warming up to the questions a bit now... he still looks like he is having dental work... but less invasive dental work] [cuts questioner off] We got the run game going.. their best players are their defensive ends.. and we felt like we did not want to get in that kind of a game because it was a silent snap count with the noise and .... obviously that hurt us when we started getting in those situations. We went through a couple of drives where we didn't really have a second down. They're big chunk after chunk right down the field... and we were on schedule. On schedule means it run action and play action passes and when we are doing that we are pretty good... but when we are forced to pass in that environment... like I remember what Auburn did to Alabama last year that's their deal and we can't be in that kind of situation. Even in the 4th quarter to go down there and win the game ... we felt like we were on schedule... we started putting the ball in some of our athletes hands... I felt like Bubba Caldwell was running extremely hard... and ... but it... the whole.. in this kind of game you gotta stay on schedule and obviously we did not. Q... Your gut feel about this team. Do you feel they'll come back and... A... [Cuts off question] .. Absolutely as soon as I put (with emphasis) My quarterback (Tebow)in. Q... Why? Why will they come back? A... Because they work extremely hard. I think this is a different team. You know last year we lost championship on ... I thought we gave away...... the first thing is... the first thing you have to understand is I saw what Georgia did, I saw... we played Tennessee already... this is a tough ass conference man. That's part of the deal. Want to sit and worry about it and blame people? You're talking to the right guy... (It’s always somebody elses fault damnit, not my fault.) Anxious to get back to work and correct problems. (Chris Leak... gotta move on. Tebow is the answer. The Gator Nation will love me if I do that, they hate Chris) Q... Is this a good time then to have a bye week? A... Yeah... we're beat up a little bit. Get a bye week getting ready to play a talented team we play in two weeks. So focus is on... we gotta win the next game some how.... and we gotta find a way to spin this so the blame is on someone else besides me. I don't know our injury situation so we gotta see where were at. Q... Is this as difficult a loss as you have had as the head coach? A... Sure. Q... Why? A... Everyone.. everyone of them... I can tell you every one and I can tell you all about it and tell you... can't remember many wins... I guess that is one of the problems as coach... (I get to emotional and lose focus of what I need to do to win,) but I can tell you every loss and I can remember exactly what happened. That's not good. Q.... So this is the toughest one you think? A... [Shrugs] I don't know... Yea. (sobs a bit) Q... How did DeShawn perform after his first time back... A... Okay.. first half he was going pretty good.... second half, I don't know.. we were... it is just (sniffs audibly)... you know for me to make comments right now... I really....you know me better than that... (I really like to denigrate my players as I can.) Q... What did [a little to low for me to hear] about the personal foul. A... Yeah that was a big one. The kid.... they run a throw back to the QB and his job was to be there and he said he didn't... he said.... I don't if you guys saw the tape, he said he just shoulder padded the guy and they called it. (Fuck, we clubbed Cox in the head twice and got away with it. Pissed me off that they call that kinda foul ..considering the other shit we did to him (cox).) Q.... There was just now way getting momentum back it seemed. A... Yeah 3rd quarter then the special teams screwed it up.... yeah I felt the same way you did. We played the game on the bad side of the field. Then you [something like “fuck” or close to it] back and play some defense and get some plays on offense and we get back down there and make a mistake and Leak gives it away. Q.... something about AU's defense. A... Yea they should they're an excellent defense. They're very good players on defense. My senior QB gift wraps passes to their DBs? He made them look like all Americans…(Kleenex again). (Chris is deathly afraid of getting hit. Ever notice that the CBS or ESPN cameras constantly show him on the sidelines with his helmet off? Well, get used to seeing him on the sidelines wearing a headset with a clipboard. I might start using him on the kickoff team as a wedge buster.) Q.... What'd you think of the atmosphere? A... It's the SEC... very good atmosphere. (Not as good as Bowling Green but good in a weird way) Have a good night. (I am going to go get in a good cry session) [Walks out]

Miami FIU Brawl Video

2006-10-14T21:43:00.000-07:00

Sweet Jesus!!! Satan's Army Loses at The Barn

2006-10-14T20:05:00.000-07:00

We will provide comments tomorrow with pics. What a glorious day!! If anyone has video of Urban's Postgame Conference contact us at loserwithsocks @ gmail.com

Big Papi Picks 'Em...Lightning Round

2006-10-13T12:53:00.000-07:00

You're an idiot for picking my team in a big game!

Yeah, fuck off Les. Thanks for gift wrapping that Florida game last week. Lesson learned...never pick a team coached by Les Miles in a big game. Put that one on the same list as "Never play poker with a guy named after a city." As last week, I am in a bit of a hurry and unable to write a full out explanation for all my picks. Last week it was just because I forgot and didn't want to cut into my drinking time. This week it's because I am at a wedding...for people I don't even like. If my wife wasn't in it, there is no way in hell I would be here. With Tennessee on bye this week, I was really looking forward to sitting around fully relaxed (and drunk) and watching everyone else's games. Instead I have to put on a damn suit (Papi doesn't do suits) and watch two annoying people swear away the rest of their lives. Yay. One positive....open bar. Anway...enough of my bitching. On to the picks (and like last week, I'll be throwing out my confidence level) Home teams in bold 10 point game- West Virginia over Syracuse 9 point game- Louisville over Cincinnati 8 point game- USC over Arizona State 7 point game- Ohio State over Michigan State 6 point game- Michigan over Penn State 5 point game- Rutgers over Navy 4 point game- Oregon over UCLA 3 point game- Missouri over Texas A&M 2 point game- Maryland over Virginia 1 point game- Auburn over Florida Last week's record: 8-2 Record to date: 50-10

Is Tim Tebow God? We Asked the Hard Questions and This is What We Learned

2006-10-13T10:26:00.000-07:00

(Avatar for Rivals Boards 100X100. Show the Church some support and advertise!)

Earlier this month we uncovered a pagan Religion that is capturing the National Sports Media. We discussed this religion with a longtime Florida Gator Fan who chose to remain unknown for fear of religious persecution. Why do you worship Tebow as a God? Because Tebow is the closest thing to a God that Gators can know and understand. We worship Tebow, and we can prove that not only does Tebow exist, but unlike any other god, it exists as we know it. If Tebow is God, who is Satan? Good question, but the answer should be obvious. Satan is quite simply Chris Leak. Who founded this religion? Urbanlism and the Church of Tebow were founded by Gary Danielson. Gary is a Color Analyst for CBS Sports. For privacy protection purposes, no other personal information will be disclosed about him. What is the purpose of Urbanlism? The main purpose of Urbanlism is to promote the spread of Florida Football through the use of Tebow. There is nothing on earth that connects Gators with the knowledge they desire so fast and effectively than Tebow. We believe in the cliché "knowledge is power", and so should you. Does Tebow perform miracles? Why, yes She does. This year a non-believer (Leak) procrastinated on running for a first down. It was a pivotal moment in the game and he HAD to clamp down and start taking some hits. He, as always, consulted Tebow and Her vast index of Man-cake testosterone. Sure enough the mighty Tebow provided him with the hormones he needed. The first down was done in a little under 3 rushing attempts and he ended up getting an "A" from the Gator Coaching staff (but sadly Leak was booed by the Florida fans anyway). Definitely something many would consider a Miracle, all thanks to Tebow and Her mighty Algorithms (Algorithm defined for Gators: Songs without musical instruments.) There are coaches using similar techniques as Tebow, are they Gods as well? The short answer is yes, but to a lesser degree. Tebow is the best at what She does and therefore the most powerful of the Gods. Do not mistake a demon such as Auburn’s Brandon Cox or UGA’s Joe Cox for a God. Demons sometimes disguise themselves as the Under Armour “Click Clack” or in Cox’s case a red-headed step child. I always thought Tebow was a male? Sorry dude, Tebow does not have a penis, or a vagina for that matter. Originally, religions of the past thought of Gods as feminine. It wasn't until monotheistic, Abrahamic religions such as Christianity, Islam and Judaism entered the picture that the concept of "God" became masculine. Basically you have been conditioned by your culture to view all Deities as male. The Church of Tebow is simply carrying on the ancient tradition of viewing Gods as feminine. It's not about us being reverse sexist toward men or anything. It's just about breaking a cultural taboo. What is the Tebow Trinity? The Tebow Trinity consists of the Urban Meyer, ESPN and Nike’s Briscoe High. Alone they are nothing, but combined they form a powerful entity. Is there a Tebow afterlife? By uploading our thoughts and opinions onto Florida Football Message Boards, we live on in Tebow's cache even after our death. What is the history of Urbanlism? The tale of the Church of Tebow is an inspirational story that will move every fiber of your being. The shocking tale can be read in its entirety after it is written. Urbanlism sounds GREAT! How do I spread the word? In short, the best way to promote our Church is to pray to Tebow (outsiders know this as "to search" for "to The Bow") for blogs or websites you think would be interested in and post about our snazzy new religion. If you're a member of an online community (discussion board or forum) you might want to put a link to us in your signature or start a topic asking "Is Tebow God?”. I'm VERY interested in becoming a Urbanlist Minister. Where do I apply? Click on the comments link of this page. Basically, you'll need to prove yourself before being ordained. Remember that becoming a minister will never require you to "donate" money. If you chose to donate money, you'll do it for the right reasons.

Why Lou Holtz Spits When He Talks

2006-10-13T08:43:00.000-07:00

How many of you have difficulty in understanding what Lou Holtz says on ESPN College Gameday? Why does Mark May keep extra handkerchiefs around? We were fortunate to interview the culprit (No, not NCAA Sanctions) that has plagued Holtz for years.

(Pictured above, a youthful Holtz learns important life lessons that have been a staple of his proteges, like Urban Meyer)

A Conversation With Lou Holtz’s Drool

LWS: So you've been living with Lou Holtz since the 80's. How does it feel finally to be recognized? LHDROOL: It's never easy keeping a secret. I'm just glad that it's all out in the open now. LWS: Has Lou had to change his busy routine at all since you came into his life? LHDROOL: Let me tell you, keeping up with him has been a royal pain in the ass. That guy is go-go-go, all the time. There was that time that he was so busy with the ESPY Awards, he got distracted and forgot to bring extra bibs. That would have turned the average guy's dress shirt into Sizzlean. But Lou collapsed for two minutes, got up, brushed himself off and coordinated a shameless man-crush plug for the Bobby Petrino like nothing happened.

(Lou refuses to wear this Bib, says the colors reminds him of South Carolina and NCAA investigations)

LWS: That guy's a dynamo! LHDROOL: He's still eating fifteen Butterfingers a day. I don't know how he does it. LWS: It sounds like you really admire him. LHDROOL: I do admire his courage. I've been trying to take him down for twenty years, and I just can't get traction. Once I had him changing his head position every ten minutes during a College Gameday, but he just had an assistant bring him empty Evian bottles to collect me in. LWS: They don't call him "Granny" for nothing. LHDROOL: That nickname really bugs me. Granny, my ass. I'm adult-drooling, motherfucker, and teenagers ain't getting the same kinda mandible issues as Lou Holtz. You listen to him talk? His bottom lip looks like a horse trough LWS: Whoa, sounds like we touched a nerve. LHDROOL: Let's call an "persistent drooling" spade a spade, OK? I've seen this guy's insides. Everything's held together with denture glue and spackle. I respect the guy, but I'm gonna get him. I'm shooting for when a Big East Team wins the BCS Title. LWS: Isn't that in about 23 years? LHDROOL: I'm just biding my time, brother. He's gonna let his guard down one of these days.

[Editor note: Adult Drooling is forecast as a Panademic equal to the Bird Flu]

LWS Pick'Em

2006-10-12T13:24:00.000-07:00

Cincinatti Bowtie Florida @ Auburn - Aubies Virginia Tech @ Boston College - Hokies Minnesota @ Wisconsin - Badgers Ole Miss @ Alabama - Cheaters.. to avoid future confusion, Bama Michigan @ Penn St. - MEEEchigan Rutgers @ Navy - Rutgers Missouri @ Texas A&M - Mizzou Iowa St. @ Oklahoma - Oklahoma UCLA @ Oregon - Quack Arizona St. @ USC - USC Big Papi Florida @ Auburn - Auburn Virginia Tech @ Boston College - Va Tech Minnesota @ Wisconsin - Minnesota Ole Miss @ Alabama - Bama Michigan @ Penn St. - Michigan Rutgers @ Navy - Rutgers Missouri @ Texas A&M - Missouri Iowa St. @ Oklahoma - Oklahoma UCLA @ Oregon - Oregon Arizona St. @ USC - USC LWS Florida @ Auburn - The Barn Click Clack Virginia Tech @ Boston College - BC Minnesota @ Wisconsin - Wisonsin Ole Miss @ Alabama - The team of Destiny Michigan @ Penn St. - JoPa Rutgers @ Navy - South Florida North Missouri @ Texas A&M - MO Iowa St. @ Oklahoma - Stoops UCLA @ Oregon - UCLA Arizona St. @ USC - Cheaters from LA Lloyd Braun Florida @ Auburn - Auburn with shocking ease Virginia Tech @ Boston College - Virginia Teck Minnesota @ Wisconsin - Wisconsin Ole Miss @ Alabama - Alabama Michigan @ Penn St. - Penn State (shocker!) Rutgers @ Navy - Rutgers Missouri @ Texas A&M - Missouri Iowa St. @ Oklahoma - Oklahoma UCLA @ Oregon - Oregon Arizona St. @ USC - USC Grill Viper Florida @ Auburn - Florida (my heart says Auburn) Virginia Tech @ Boston College - Virginia Teck Minnesota @ Wisconsin - Wisconsin Ole Miss @ Alabama - Alabama Michigan @ Penn St. - Michigan Rutgers @ Navy - Rutgers Missouri @ Texas A&M - Missouri Iowa St. @ Oklahoma - Oklahoma UCLA @ Oregon - Oregon Arizona St. @ USC - USC Volfan90210 Florida @ Auburn - UF Virginia Tech @ Boston College - VT Minnesota @ Wisconsin - Minnesota Ole Miss @ Alabama - Bama Michigan @ Penn St. - PSU Rutgers @ Navy - Navy Missouri @ Texas A&M - Mizz Iowa St. @ Oklahoma - OU UCLA @ Oregon - UCLA Arizona St. @ USC - USC IrishJihad Florida @ Auburn - Tebow circle jerk continues Virginia Tech @ Boston College - Virginia Tech Minnesota @ Wisconsin - Arkansas of the Big Ten Ole Miss @ Alabama - Rolllllllllllllllllllllllllll Tide Michigan @ Penn St. - The Fighting Carrs Rutgers @ Navy - The Fighting Schianos Missouri @ Texas A&M - FranTeats goes down Iowa St. @ Oklahoma - Fighting Stoopses UCLA @ Oregon - The Ducks will beat these bears Arizona St. @ USC - Tennessee of the West

What is wrong with Schaeffer?

2006-10-12T11:48:00.000-07:00

Former quarterback and part-time designated hitter for Tennessee, and current Ole Miss signal-caller is having a rough time at the Grove. The junior college transfer boasts a 45% completion percentage, and a 4-8 TD-INT ratio. Many supporters and critics alike claim that the majority of his problems stem from the fact that he missed preseason practices due to his inability to complete a junior college correspondence course in time. That sounds like the guy IJ wants behind center. But what does the man in charge have to say about the lack of production from the passing game? "How do we fix our passing game?" Orgeron asked. "Well, we get us a big, tall receiver and we get him to run down the field and we throw him the ball and get it over everybody's head like everybody else is doing." No wonder Ole Miss fans will defend this guy to the death.

Find a tall receiver
Teach him how to run
Throw the ball to said tall receiver, preferably while he's running

Schaeffer - Cursed with short receivers

That, my good friends, is what makes Coach O great. But he did forget to mention one thing. You gotta recruit lineman that can't read to block. But IJ is sure that was just an oversight on O's part. And some people have the nerve to call him bat-shit crazy.

Why does baseball have to ruin my life?

2006-10-12T11:35:00.000-07:00

Cup the balls gently. So here it is college football season, the best time of the year. Waking up on a Saturday afternoon, uncorking adult beverages, and drinking yourself to comatose levels. The problem with all of this is that you are usually too drunk to remember what your team actually did, as you sat in a stupor staring at the television. The simple solution? Listen or watch some of the many readily available sports programs, right? Wrong. Instead, the air time is devoted to a sport that has, in my opinion, no life value. If it could only rain everday so that loyal college football fans could actually enjoy their sport without having something that has no life value shoved down our collective throats. All I'm asking, pleading for is balance. I bet Tim Tebow is a baseball-liker.

*Apologies to LWS and Big Papi

LWS Chats with Tim Brando

2006-10-12T05:25:00.000-07:00

LWS: Thanks for being with us today Tim, let's get right to it. You recently ignited a firestorm among Tennessee fans with your most recent top ten poll. Let's take a look at your top ten now: Tim Brando's College Football Top 10 (10/10)

1. Ohio State	6. Texas
2. Florida	7. California
3. USC	8. Louisville
4. Michigan	9. Arkansas
5. West Virginia	10. Clemson

LWS: Obviously a few things jump out at us when we see this. First of all, you have California ranked number 7 yet you don't list Tennessee, a team that humiliated Cal in Knoxville. What's up with that? Brando: I have answered that question enough. Call your friends and ask them. LWS: Can't you just answer it and save us all a lot of time and energy? Brando: Obviously that game was a fluke. That is all I will say about it. LWS: You realize Tennessee was up 35-0 in the 3rd quarter, right? Brando: Fluke LWS: You realize Tennessee just hung 50 points on what was the #1 defense in the country, right? Brando: Fluke. You can't spell Fluke without "UT" LWS: That's flute, not fluke. Brando: So what, I'm Tim Brando. I don't have to explain myself. LWS: I just can't get past this Tennessee thing. You have Arkansas ranked ahead of Tennessee, the same Razorback team that was humiliated by Southern Cal in their season opener in Fayetteville. Come on Tim, let's just admit you are a contrarian twit who is looking for attention, can we at least do that? Brando: Tennnessee would have lost to Cal if they had scored less and Cal had been more effective in running their offense. LWS: My aunt would be my uncle if she had balls, Tim. Let's take some reader questions. Calfantheprotestman: Tim, I was in Knoxville. Did you know that those hillbillies pray before the game? My civil rights were violated. I am thinking of filing a complaint to the UN. I have two questions. Can Cal beat USC? Is there anyway to stop all of the praying in the SEC? Brando: Don't waste your time. I have tried countless time to eliminate God from society. It just can't be done. Damnit. GatorNationTeabow2007: What did you think about the double pump, 360 tomahawk pass that Teabow threw against LSU. Gators baby! Brando: Let's stop kidding ourselves. That was the dumbest play I have ever witnessed. I guess it was too simple for wonder boy just to throw a lob pass, right? I hope Auburn knocks Teabag's block off. Volfanforever: A little bird tells me that Eric Ainge just doesn't have the mental poise to play QB at Tennessee. What say you Timmy? Brando: Do NOT call me Timmy. Otherwise I agree completely. The three national player of the week awards..............fluke, fluke, and............you guessed it...........FLUKE! Cajun56: I fly planes. Wanna go for a ride in my F-16? Brando: No. TomFromBama: When will Phillip Fulmer get what's coming to him? I hate him. Brando: Don't we all? He is like Bill Clinton. Nothing ever sticks. He will probably never get his. Give up the dream. ChrisLeak: Hi Tim, Chris Leak here. I'm a little miffed. First of all, Florida fans hate me because I am not Teabow. I should be a Heisman Trophy candidate but I can't even get publicity on my own team! I mean, what the F%CK?? Brando: You're finished. You are the best player on your team, yet your fans wish you would go away. Isn't it ironic? I'm sorry Chris. Life ain't fair and Teabow is the Johnny Come Lately who just stole your thunder. Try some behind the back passes against Auburn, or maybe dribble the football. Teabow's fusion of basketball and football has forever endeared him to Gator fans. HottyToddyReb: Hotty Toddy Tim! Brando: Next LWS: Tim, that is all the time we have for now. Thank goodness we just discovered that your vote doesn't count in the BCS standings. You are a true nutjob. Brando: Out

Chat Today with Tim Brando! Submit Questions Via the comments on this Post

2006-10-12T05:19:00.000-07:00

TimmyB ignited the Vol Nation with his Top-10 yesterday. Listing Cal well ahead of the Vols and calling the Vols victory a "fluke" . In his return emails he was snotty and arrogant. Ask Timmy anything and we will get you an answer . TimmyB's Top 10

The SEC is Clearly Superior

2006-10-11T11:28:00.000-07:00

North Korea or West Virginia? No electricity? Eers have football but they don't have electricity Sports Illustrated recently ended the debate over which Conference is the best. Below is a scan from the article that ended the argument. Liars figure and figures lie.

SEC fans aren't concerned with the BCS Title. We know that there is very little chance of one of our teams making it through an SEC schedule undefeated. It's just not going to happen. Florida beats LSU at home and then it's on to Auburn. No rest for the wicked, indeed. West Virginia or Lousiville in the SEC? 3-4 loss teams at best. Notre Dame in the SEC? no better than 2nd or 3rd in the SEC East. Southern Cal in the SEC? already a one loss team. National pundits hate these statements, but facts are facts. Nobody goes through the SEC undefeated. And if they manage (Auburn 2004) they should automatically win the National Championship by default. The fact that Auburn was not allowed to compete for the National Title in 2004 forever ruined the BCS in the eyes of SEC fans. Examine who Auburn had to beat in 2004 to go undefeated. LSU, Tennessee (twice), BAMA, Arkansas, Georgia, etc. Moving back to the present, let's take a look at Cal. The Golden Bears are running roughshod through the Pac-10. They look like a BCS team right now. Put them in the middle of an SEC Stadium facing an SEC defense and all of a sudden those Heisman Trophy candidates look like Division I-AA second teamers. Tennessee literally dismantled Cal bit by bit. Tedford and Longshore both admitted that the crowd stunned them from the minute they took the field. Well, here is a not-so-well kept secret......it's like that every weekend, everywhere you go in the SEC (except Vandy, KY, or MSU). Cal has a very good shot at beating Southern Cal. If that happens, does Tennessee get an honorary Pac-10 Championship? Ohio State is riding high right now after a win over a Texas team that in all honesty lacks the weapons of last year's team. That's not the Buckeye's fault, but too much credibility is weghted on that game. I happen to respect Big-10 football. But the fact is the last three times my Vols have played the Big-10, we have walked away winners. We gave Michigan the worst beatdown in many decades, upset the NFL-loaded Buckeye's in the Citrus Bowl, and easily put Northwestern away. Ohio State has two games on their schedule that are potential stumbling blocks. Texas and Michigan. Compare that to a Tennessee schedule (Cal, Florida, Georgia, BAMA, LSU, Arkansas) or to a Florida schedule (Tennessee, BAMA, Georgia, LSU, Auburn, Florida State) and you will see that there is no comparison at all. It's easy to win when you don't play your best when you face Bowling Green, but try going to Fayettville when you have an off-game (see Auburn last week). I happen to think that Ohio State is a supremely talented team, possibly the most talented in the country. But that's not the point. The point is that teams in the SEC face the near-impossible task of playing their best every single Saturday. Because the middle teams in this conference are capable of beating any team in the country on any Saturday. The same can't be said for other conferences. SEC Champions will almost always have a loss or two, and because of that a team like Louisville or West Virginia will rank higher in the final BCS Standings. SEC fans already know the BCS is a joke. Our National Championship is played in Atlanta on the first Saturday of December.

Lloyd's Not the Only One To Be Banned...................

2006-10-11T10:25:00.000-07:00

According to the KNS, Volkwest's very own Trent Flubb's was banned by the University of Tennessee for a short period of time for breaking the rules during 1999. Naughty Trent!

Coach Orgeron's Press Conference; Castrating the Bull: Prepping for Alabama

2006-10-11T08:51:00.000-07:00

OXFORD -- In building his program, Ole Miss Coach Ed Orgeron plans to do it one step forward and two steps back. Orgeron believes Ole Miss took huge steps backwards in a 14-9 loss to Georgia after suffering a 27-3 setback to Wake Forest the previous game. “"Our team competed," Ole Miss coach Ed Orgeron said.”We hung in there and made the play when we had to, even if the play we made had no impact on the final score. We lost anyway, again". Orgeron looks for the Rebels to continue backstepping this coming Saturday when they travel to play Alabama. "Every game is really important," Orgeron stating the obvious, Monday at his weekly press conference. "The thing that is really important to me is that I believe we've made tremendous backwards strides from the Wake Forest game to the Georgia game and I feel we have made zero progress in our program."This is a big week for us, to be able to show that we are continuing to make improvement. I want to take another step forward because we can’t go any further backwards. If we take one more step backwards, we will fall off the cliff. By the way, I am so fucking sick of hearing how good it was here (Oxford) under Cutcliffe and Tubberville. I am going to punch them both in the nuts and learn them that I am the better coach.” It's Orgeron's objective to teach the Rebels how to win because he most certainly taught them how to lose. As Ole Miss plods along towards a 3rd consecutive losing season and almost certain loss to cross-state rival Mississippi State."The thing we are disappointed about is number one, again, as in the Kentucky game, I felt we should have won this game," Orgeron said. "We had a chance to win the game and we didn't. 31-14? That was a close game by our standards here in Oxford” Orgeron believes he has basic principals in place as he continues to build his program."I have tried getting down and practicing the way I know championship teams practice," said Orgeron, who had restraining orders against him as an assistant coach on national championship teams at Miami and Southern Cal. "I tried the Wild Boyz tirade again, I tried smashing up a hotel room again to no avail. So, I am working with Jackie Sherrill for guidance. I am going to castrate a bull during a team practice as a motivational technique. I know a majority of my players can’t read or they sleep when I talk, so the de-nutting should keep their attention for at least 5 minutes…I hope.” Ole Miss is scheduled to lose to Alabama on National Television. Saturday’s Alabama-Ole Miss game will be televised by CBS Sports, the network announced Sunday afternoon. The game will kick off at 2:34 p.m. (CST) from Bryant-Denny Stadium in Tuscaloosa.

Dave Hooker's Hissy Fit on WNOX

2006-10-11T07:40:00.000-07:00

Dave Hooker of the Knoxville News Sentinel is throwing a full-fledged hissy fit for being banned from the University for a week and a half. Apparently Hooker was not content to go through the proper channels, so he contacted Inky Johnson without involving the Sports Information office at UT. Hey Hooker, the rules apply to the press just as they apply to the general public. In general, I support the right of the Press to investigate. However, the KNS has been such a juvenile and ametuerish rag for a while now that I enjoy seeing the U stick it to those nerds. Gary Lundy's juvenile name calling of Casey Clausen turned many people against the KNS, and since that time they have crossed the line from reponsible journalism into antagonistic shit stirrers. Good for UT. Hooker and Adams will continue to pat each other on the back during their radio show and the general public will continue to ignore the KNS. I hate the way media outlets in Knoxville suck up to UT, but I equally despise the way the KNS tries to generate news by constantly digging up useless dirt. Gary Lundy was bad, Adams is a Geek, and Hooker (who I usually enjoy) has turned into a nagative crybaby, most likely due to sitting so close to uber-nerd Adams. Oh yeah, whoever voted Adams as one of the top college football writers in the country........well, considering Dennis Dodd is also considered one of the best I would say that the award is completely appropriate and useless at the same time.

Startling emotions coming from Gainsville

2006-10-10T14:48:00.000-07:00

It's been well documented in this blog that Urban Meyer hates Chris Leak. Why else would he call the option other than schadenfreude? Tell me another coach that likes to smell the aroma that exudes from the biscuit in his QB's pants. Well this attitude has crept into Gator fandom. Chris Leak has led Florida to an undefeated record beating the likes of ~~Tennessee~~Kentucky, Alabama, and most recently LSU. And what does he get in return from the Gator fans? Booing. That's right, boos. No one else is to blame but Meyer. It all starts at the top people. But for some more evidence of this strange behavior, you have to look no further than the comments section of a popular Florida blog. In the midst of a Tebow lovefest, IJ tried to remind the Gators that they have a pretty good starting QB in Leak. A quarterback that does more than run and dress left, and throw lame-alicious jump passes. And what did the Gators have to say? Well, you can see for yourself. Now, not only Meyer, but the entire state of Florida hates Chris Leak.

It all started last year. When Urban Meyer came into the SEC, critics said his system wouldn't work. But Florida fans, who we all know have been watching football for decades, didn't listen. So the blame of last year's miserable performance had to be laid at someone's feet. Enter Chris Leak. To add fuel to the already combustible situation, Meyer signed All-Universe Tim Tebow. Ever since then, each and every mistake by Leak is magnified and builds onto the hatred that jort-wearers have for the boy. And Leak has handled himself with nothing but class during this state-wide Tebow jerk-off-athon.

Fans seen here hating Chris Leak.

C'mon, Gators, give the kid a break. Tebow will have his chance. The sex is always better if you wait.

Sports Illustrated Covers; The Hell with the Jinx

2006-10-10T14:27:00.000-07:00

(Orange Bowl Appearance)

(Sugar Bowl Appearance)

SEC West Mid Season Review

2006-10-10T10:27:00.000-07:00

(Jim Donnan wants to know, Is Auburn "Man" enough for the Gators?)

SEC Overall Review SEC East Review SEC West Arkansas (5-1) The Razorbacks are very surprising team this season. Who would have thought that after that embarrassing loss to Southern Cal, that the Hogs would play so impressively later down the road? Quarterback M-Stain is doing just enough to get the ball to his playmakers and let them make the plays. Hog fans still seem somewhat pissed about play selection from Houston Nutt. Nobody really knows what kind of impact Gus Malzahn (M-Stain’s High School Coach) is having on the offense. The Hogs went to Auburn and beat the #2 team in the nation in a game that really was not that close. Earning the Tostitos Fiesta Bowl Team of the Week. Despite the win, Arkansas appears to play down to its competition, doing just enough to win. But a win is a win. The Hogs have 4 cupcakes (Ole Miss and MSU are classified as cupcakes) remaining on their schedule and tossup games with the Cocks, LSU and Vols that could be losses. Mid Season Team Grade B+ Auburn (5-1)

Auburn could have easily started this season 6-0, however the offense failed to find a groove for the first time in their loss to Arkansas, looking ahead to Florida? Prior to that game the Tigers played well against lesser competition. A close call against Spurrier’s Cocks should have scared the Tigers about overlooking lesser teams but teenagers today just don’t fucking listen. I am sure that they were hoping for a 6-0 start, but 5-1 is what they get. Now things will get interesting for Auburn as they face Joachim Noah and the Gators this week. Some here at LWS believe that Auburn will focus on UF and win this huge game (Florida is not a good SEC Representative). Others here at LWS (IrishJihad) think that if the Barn had trouble running against the Hogs, they will fail, fail like a piss test,running the ball against Marcus “Munchie” Thomas and the rest of the UF Defense. IJ also believes that Brandon Cox’s “click clack” won’t be enough to salvage the game. After UF, the Barn has Ole Miss (a certain win), Tulane, a rematch with Arkansas State, UGA and the Iron Bowl after they drub Florida. If the Tigers can win three of these four games, Tommy Tuberville might save his ass. But who knows? Is there another late night airplane ride to Louisville in the future? Mid Season Team Grade B+- LSU (4-2) This team reminds me of CSI Miami, all fluff and shitty acting. The Corndog Nation is not where most LSU fans would have hoped they would be. With losses to Auburn and Florida, games that the Tigers should have won, Corndogs are questioning the leadership and ability of Coach Les “El Cachucha Grande” Miles. Frankly, Miles has history of melting down in close games and this season is no exception. LSU is facing Tubby Smiths’ much improved Kentucky Wildcats, Arkansas, Fresno State Tennessee (at Neyland) Ole Miss, Tennessee and Bama. Corndog fans are not pleased with a 4-2 start. We believe that LSU wins at least 4 of their remaining games. If JeMarcus Russell could only play like Les Miles coachs, without using his brain, LSU might fare better. We will continue to monitor LSU Message Boards for “Fire Les Miles” threads. Mid Season Team Grade B Alabama (4-2) Bama fans are the most optimistic fans in college football and honestly think their team has a chance to win and lose every game regardless of the Tide's record. However, I don’t think Bama fans are very happy with a 4-2 record going in to the Ole Miss game. Since the Tide is playing Ole Miss, it is safe to assume that they will be a healthy 5-2 rolling into Knoxville. Last week, Mike Shula toyed with Duke at the Tides Homecoming before dealing a late 4th quarter Juwan Simpson-esque Ice Cream Cone throat slash to put away the Blue Devils. Their dramatic wins over Hawaii and Vanderbilt do not look as impressive given how poorly they played against Florida. With UT suddenly looking like a very loseable game, look for the Tide to split the remaining schedule 3-3 as they battle LSU and Auburn at the end of the season. Mid Season Team Grade C (C+ for IJ) Mississippi State (2-4) What is wrong with Mississippi schools? I feel sorry for these guys. MSU frequently are victims of pranks to the SEC’s weakest smack talkers, Ole Miss fans. Of course, MSU did destroy Ole Miss in the Egg Bowl and will do it again this year. Look for a 2 win season. Mid Season Team Grade D- Mississippi(2-4) David Cutcliffe doesn’t look so ugly anymore. Head Coach Ed Orgeron's Ole Miss is off to another disappointing start and continue to get their pee-pees spanked. The team has not shown improvement and continues to play un-inspired football. However, three wins are possible in the final five games, but the Rebels will finish with a losing record for the third year in a row. Ole Miss fans love to blame their woes on David Cutcliffe who led Ole Miss to it’s last winning season, but we here at LWS challenge you fans of the SEC’s version of the Chicago Cubs to take a closer look at BatShit Crazy Orgeron and AD Pete Boone. Dudes, you are going backwards and offering scholarships to every recruit in the southeast, whether they can read or not, is not helping. Me thinks that NCAA Sanctions (I have nothing to base this on) are in the near term future. Mid Season Team Grade F

The Ole Miss Quandry

2006-10-10T08:05:00.000-07:00

Imagine for a second that you are an Ole Miss fan walking through the grove. You won't admit it publicly, but you are well aware that David Cutcliffe took you to your biggest bowl game since, well ever I guess. Now apparently your AD or President, or whoever is in charge of making brilliant decisions at Ole Miss, feels that Mississippi could be a real SEC powerhouse if they could just keep those recruits at home and maybe snag a few big time JUCO players. But who? Who could they get to bring in this talent? I imagine (maybe I am wrong) that Ed Orgeron was not the first name to pop into this decision maker's head. After all, Coach O is crazy (and not in a good way). But none of that matters because the inmate is running the asylum in Oxford. And apparently the kids like him. He brings in the talent. But talent is not enough as we have seen at Tennessee. The perfect coach to develop that talent would be none other than former Head Coach David Cutcliffe. But he couldn't recruit at Ole Miss. It is ironic. You fire a great coach who can't recruit and hire a great recruiter who can't coach and is in all likelihood going to come off the tracks before it is all said and done. Coach O is definitely going off the rails on a crazy train. Would you rather be fundementally sound but not talented? Or would you rather be supremely talented but play like you have never been exposed to basic football concepts? It is a quandry, but I think I speak for all SEC fans when I say that I hope Coach O sticks around for a long, long time. You could not possibly in your wildest dreams find better material for a blog. Hotty Toddy!

IrishJihad's Top 25

2006-10-10T06:49:00.000-07:00

Ohio St. (Useless Nuts still rolling)
Michigan (How is the offense gonna look w/ Manningham sidelined)
Florida (Was gonna put them at #2, but after witnessing Tebow's double-clutch,white boy that's scared to get his shot blocked TD pass, IJ thought better of it)
USC (Back to back ugly wins over bad competition)
West Virginia (Not quite as impressive as they had been)
Louisville (The Big East is better than the ACC this year)
Tennessee (Is the QB controversy over yet?)
Texas (1-1 against good teams)
California (Made Oregon look like a PAc-10 team)
Missouri (Call me crazy, but they're pretty good)
Notre Dame (God help us if they beat USC at the end of the year)
Georgia Tech (IJ would like to inform you that Calvin Johnson is the best player in college football)
Arkansas (You have the same record as the team you just beat at their house, you get ranked ahead of them)
Auburn (You have the same record as the team that just put a beatdown on you at your house, you get ranked below them)
Iowa (Mmmm, corn)
Oregon (Of course a duck is gonna get killed by a bear)
LSU (Jamaracus Russell - Million dollar arm, 10 cent brain)
Clemson (Should we give 'em props for a great comeback, or penalize them for being behind so much to Wake Forest)
Oklahoma (One man show, but still has a pretty good defense)
Georgia (Proved to be paper bulldawgs)
Boise St. (Somewhere Tim Brando is smiling)
Rutgers (Schiano will be at Miami next year)
Wisconsin (The Arkansas of the Big 11)
Nebraska (Mmmm, corn)
This space is reserved for Bama after the Ole Miss win

Now class, what did we learn this week? For starters, never bet on LSU in a big game. Russell is the Jeff George of the South. Florida wins on defense, not offense. The ACC is pre-FSU bad. The Tedford factor is back now that Cal is playing PAC-10 teams. Bob Stoops is learning fast how hard it is to stay at the top. Arkansas and Wisconsin can run on anybody, it's just what they do. And one more thing, Mr. Cutcliffe, IJ believes you have something that belongs to Mr. Martinez, and he would like them back.....please.

Finally, A National Media Pundit Agrees with us: Urban Meyer Does Suck as a Person

2006-10-09T14:07:00.000-07:00

Of course this guy is sticking up for Chris Leak, which we would never do. But he does make some excellent points about Urban ruining Leak's miniscule chances for the Heisman. We here at the LWS always maintained that Urban Meyer hated Chris Leak. We have numerous stories that discuss this very subject. Why would Urban always run the option? He knows Leak hates being hit. Urban's love for The Bow is obvious. Is it because Urban needs to get rid of Zook's players? Win with his own players? Related links Click

Florida Gators, NCAA Football - CBS SportsLine.com

Silly Fans. Drop the Drama, Please.

2006-10-09T12:30:00.000-07:00

Before the season began, Cutcliffe was an old white guy with a heart condition who "couldn't relate to the hip young black kids". He also wasn't THAT great of a QB coach because "the Manning's developed themselves". He also "ran Ole Miss into the ground". Now, Cutcliffe would "win a national championship in three years as Head Coach at Miami". He also "deserves to be paid more than any other OC in the country". He is an "offensive guru that we need to keep at all costs". LWS (the blog) told you last year that Cutcliffe would be the OC, when others were saying that he would hold out for a head coaching job. LSW (the blog) told you that he was a great offensive mind when others told you that UT fans "routinely booed him in Knoxville" Now, LWS (the blog) is telling you to stop being so dramatic. Every coach is one great play from being a guru and one terrible play from being a fool. Fulmer put great players in the system, but needed somebody to develop them and that is what Cutcliffe does. He is not a guru, he is not a genius, he is simply one of the better coaches in the country when it comes to developing quarterbacks and running an efficient offense. He is exactly what he was in the 90's. He is a great coach. Drop the drama.

Trent and Bob Censoring Mere Mention of "Lloyd Braun"

2006-10-09T12:10:00.000-07:00

According to our sources, a mere mention of that devil Lloyd Braun will get deleted instantly on Trent Flubb's Volkwest. Give her a whirl and see how long your post stays up. Silly Trent.

SEC East Mid-Season Review

2006-10-09T11:53:00.000-07:00

The Gators are "Raising the Roof". Prototype Gator Fans pictured below are toasting the Gator success. SEC East Florida (6-0) With games remaining against Auburn, Georgia and FSU, Florida fans may still experience a 9-10 win season despite the aura of the Urban Meyer “second year nonsense” where he improves his record using other coaches players. The biggest thing the Florida faithful need to realize is that Urban Meyer's moral compass is stuck on south. His decision to allow piss-test failure Marcus Thomas to play against LSU reflects well on his Briscoe High image where "football is everything". With that said, Chris Leak and the The Bow have performed well thus far this season. Leak is truly a gifted passer, but still seems uneasy in running QB Draws and the Option. Perhaps Meyer is also uneasy given that the Gaytor Nation wants The Bow over Leak. QB Tim Tebow, accounted for all three touchdowns in the LSU win. Meyer needs to find a field goal kicker; the Geightors have not made a field goal all season. A source of never-ending amusement. Mid Season Team Grade B+ Tennessee (5-1) On paper, only Florida and LSU have more talent than Phillip Fulmer’s Volunteer squad. What else can be said about the resurgent Vols? They fucking rocked UGA with Erik Ainge winning the Walter Camp Player of the week. The rehire of David Cutcliffe appears to have fixed the ills of a lackluster 5-6 2006 season. Now if they can only figure out how to tackle on punt and kick returns, they should be favored in their remaining games. The Vols cracked the top-10 this week. Remaining games include the Cocks, LSU, Bammer and some serious payback on Vandy. Note: Coach Cutcliffe please return Willie Martinez’s nuts back to Athens. Mid Season Team Grade B+ Georgia (5-1) Georgia has been one of the most consistent SEC teams over the last several years, finishing in the Top-10 in the polls each of the last four seasons. Many analysts correctly believe that the impact of not having an established Quarterback would adversely impact Georgia this season. This has been the case this season as UGA has used three different Quarterbacks this season. UGA against Colorado, and the Ole Miss, with a loss in Athens to Tennessee. The Vols hung 50 points on the Dawgs as Vols Coordinator David Cutcliffe put UGA DC's Willie Martinez’s nuts in a jar and refuses to return them. With winnable games against UF, the Barn and Georgia Tech as their biggest obstacles remaining this season, the Dogs must remain focused for a chance at a January Bowl. Mid Season Team Grade B South Carolina (4-2) Steve Spurrier might be Satan, but he can’t work miracles. Talent at South Carolina is still not at the same level as other top SEC schools. Spurrier has quietly coaxed the Cocks to four wins. The Cocks did earn a moral win taking Auburn to wire in a 24-17 loss. Although the Cocks have shown some resolve and QB Blake Mitchell and the Newton kid are a solid SEC quarterbacks, the rest of the schedule looks hard for the Cocks. On the Cocks remaining schedule include Florida, Tennessee ~~LSU~~Arkansas and Clemson remain. The Cocks are very beatable. (The Cock word used 6 times) Mid Season Team Grade C Kentucky (3-3) Kentucky played inspired football in their season opener against Louisville and Florida and then put a solid ass-whipping on Batshit Crazy Orgeron’s Ole Miss team (Ole Miss sucks). One can’t overlook the performance of the Wildcats Quarterbacks with Andre Woodson. Woodson is the second ranked passer in the SEC. Look for the Wildcats to win at least three more games this season. Mid Season Team Grade C Vanderbilt (2-4) Vanderbilt lost to Ole Miss. This should summarize just how shitty that the Dores really are this season. Because Ole Miss really sucks. Vandy did play Michigan tough at Ann Arbor so that has to count for something. Unfortunately for the Commodores, they get a very pissed off Georgia team this Saturday. With Jay Cutler gone, Vandy is now back to being an automatic W for most teams. Remaining losses include Florida (The Gators needed that vaunted SEC refereeing to beat the Dores last season), Tennessee (Who will be looking for payback), the Cocks, an improved Kentucky team and very winnable game against Duke. Mid Season Team Grade D (Only because the Mississippi Teams are worse)

Pick 'Em Results

2006-10-09T09:53:00.000-07:00

Wild weekend of football, especially in the SEC. Auburn got steamrolled by the Hogs, Jamarcus Russell left his brain on the team bus, and not only that, but LSU let The Bow throw the gayest, busch-league-iest TD pass in the history of sport. If only LSU would've put Glenn 'Baby Shaq' Davis in the game so he coulda thrown that weak shit back into Tebow's grill. Then to cap it all off, Tennessee took Georgia behind the woodshed and made 'em like it, after spotting them an early 17 point lead. LAST WEEK 1. LWS (8-2) 2. Tie: Big Papi, Lloyd, and Grill Viper (7-3) 5. Irishjihad (6-4) 6. Tie: Cincinatti Bowtie & Volfan8675309 (5-5) OVERALL STANDINGS 1. Irishjihad (56-12) 2. Big Papi (53-15) 3. Cincinatti Bowtie (51-17) 4. Grill Viper (48-20) 5. Volfan8675309 (47-21) 6. Lloyd Braun (46-22) 7. LWS (41-27)

Dear IVAN MAISEL

2006-10-09T08:33:00.000-07:00

Dear Ivan After reading your latest sharticle on ESPN we noticed this short blurb on the SEC Conference:

2. Three SEC top-10 teams lost Saturday, which may be a record for one conference. While one (LSU or Florida) had to lose, the one-sided nature of losses by LSU, Georgia and Auburn means the voters -- and I include myself here -- had been suckered in by the SEC's reputation and failed to look at the facts. All of us ignored the league's long list of paycheck nonconference games. Junk food doesn't build strong bones.

Ivan...We here at LWS are convinced that you huff paint and you Sir, failed to look at all of the facts. All three of the Top-10 SEC Teams lost to other SEC teams. Now Florida is number 2 and Tennessee's in the Top 10. How many SEC Teams are in the Top 25? The Conference's reputation is for real. We demand a retraction.

Ainge Named National Player of the Week

2006-10-09T07:34:00.000-07:00

Being the classy blog that we are, we won't say "I told you so" anymore. That is SO 1982 anyway.

Walter Camp Football Foundation Names National 1-A Offensive and Defensive Players of the Week -

Walter Camp Football Foundation Names National 1-A Offensive and Defensive Players of the Week Tennessee QB Erik Ainge and Arkansas DT Keith Jackson honored

New Haven, Conn. - The Walter Camp Football Foundation has announced its Division 1-A National Offensive and Defensive Players of the Week for games ending October 7.

OFFENSIVE PLAYER OF THE WEEK

ERIK AINGE, TENNESSEE

Junior, Quarterback, Hillsboro, OR/Glencoe

Junior quarterback Erik Ainge passed for 268 yards and two touchdowns and ran for another as 13th-ranked Tennessee came-from-behind to defeated 10th-ranked Georgia, 51-33, in a SEC showdown. Ainge completed 25-of-38 passes and had scoring tosses of 16 and 15 yards to lead the Volunteers (5-1, 1-1 SEC), who scored 27 fourth-quarter points against a Georgia defense that entered the game allowing just 6.8 points per contest.

Mid-Season Report Card

2006-10-09T05:42:00.000-07:00

Quarterback - Ainge has been everything a few of us knew he would be, and much more than most people thought he could be (Trent, Bob?). He has been poised under pressure. He has been able to take the short passes when nothing else iis available. He has avoided the rush to step up and hit the open received. Three times he has been named the SEC Player of the Week and at least twice he has been named the National Player of the Week. Finally, after the UGA game, Bob Flewis will admit that he was wrong and that Ainge is playing great. Rob, glad to see you can finally admit when you are wrong................and you WERE wrong. Add to that, I was right and you have one big fat "I Told You So" from Lloyd Braun. Once again Rob, I TOLD YOU SO. A+ Running backs - Hardesty and Coker have each shown flashes of brilliance, and Foster came through in a big way against UGA. I am not going to fault the running backs for the poor performace against the Gators. The O-Line was really bad. B- Wide Receivers - Meachem has all of a sudden turned into the best receiver in football. Swain has been deadly, and Smith came through in the clutch against the Dawgs. I think this is the best group in the country and it's not even close. A+ Fullbacks - Horrible, I guess you could say useless. F Offnsive Line - Not as athletic as usual. Physically underwhelming. I am not going to profess to be some kind of offensive line expert, but I know the Gators ate this group for lunch. However, Ainge had all day to throw in the 2nd half against UGA and for that you have to give this group some well-deserved credit. Considering who we lost last year, I am going to give this group a slightly higher grade than you might expect just for being resiliant. C+ Tight Ends - Who cares? All I know is I saw Cottam drop an easy catch against UGA. C- Punter - Has made some very good punts and some very average punts. For a Colquitt, an average performance. C Kicker - Wilhoit is clutch. I would give him a much higher grade, but you cannot miss extra points like the one missed against UGA. His perfectly places kickoffs that pinned UGA deep a few times in the 2nd half cannot overcome the missed extra point and the incomprehensible out-of-bounds kickoff that gave Florida possession at the 35 to start the game winning drive. This is going to sound harsh.......C- Defensive Line - This is tough. The group is nowhere near as talented as last year. Then take away Harrell and this is a very average group at best. I tend to grade based on what I know they are capable of, so I am going to go easy on these guys. The talent dropoff at DT is by far the most drastic on the team, so I will give them a B for effort.....B Linebacker - I have been very impressed with Mitchell and Ryan Karl. Once again, I am no linebacker expert by any means. I know that Karl was a heat seeking missle against Cal. Mitchell just looks the part (I have no idea how he plays)..........I am going to throw out a lower grade than might be expected however, simply due to the fact that we have had too many 3rd and long conversions and too many long runs against us..........C+ Secondary - The 3rd and long stuff is simply insane, but I blame a lack of pressure. Wade came up huge against UGA and for the most part I think this group has played well.........B- Kickoff/Punt Coverage - If we would have lost to UGA because of the two returns, I very well may have been calling for Fulmer's head. Pitiful does not describe it at all. It is humiliating and a disgrace and (like I said) nearly constitutes a firing offense in my opinion. Why this staff cannot put a competent punt and kickoff coverage team on the field is beyond the scope of my limited football knowledge. All I know is that top ten teams do not cover punts and kickoffs like we do................................F- Coaching: Head Coach - Fulmer needs a wake up call on special teams. For that alone I am lowering his grade an entire point. However, you have to give him credit for putting a stellar staff in place. He also has set the proper tone for this football team and this program. I admire the man for turning things around the way he has. He is the perfect head coach for Tennessee and I am proud to have him. His special teams are an embarassment to the entire world................B Offensive Coordinator - How can anyone argue? In my opinion, the turnaround at Tennessee is at least as dramatic as the turnaround last year for Notre Dame. Look at Erik Ainge. Look at Swain and Meachem, Smith too. If we had an athletic offensive line, we are ranked in the top 2 and steaming towards a National Title game. Bets of all, we hung 50 on UGA at their place.....A+ Receivers - I give Trooper Taylor hell for his chest bumping. But it is time to give the man some credit. I think the Volkwesters that call for him to be OC if Cutcliffe leaves, well they are clearly insane. He is not on that level at all yet. But he has taken the worst part of our team last year and turned them into the most dangerous group in the nation. I have no choice but to admit.....A+ Running Backs - I think our backs have played hard and compliment each other well. Coker is pure speed, Foster is power, and Hardestry is a hybrid. All have played major roles in our success and I have a feeling is we had a better line we would be talking about this group the same way we are talking about Meachem, Smith, and Swain. The uproar when Roper was hired last year was simply ridiculous............................B- O-Line - I think they are playing hard, I just don't think they are very talented. And the ones that are talented are just very young. Sears is obviously the cream of the crop. Adkins has probably done as good as you could expect with Frogg and Friends. And don't underestimate how much time they gave Ainge in the 2nd half at Georgia against (supposedly) the nation's "stingiest" defense....................B- Tight Ends - Who cares?...............C- Defensive Coordinator - Chavis is killing me. I think this is likely his poorest performance in a while. I realize the talent dropoff from last year was ginormous, but you CANNOT allow third and long to be an automatic pickup for the other team. Why is there ZERO pressure on third down? Air Force also ate his lunch......... C- Secondary - An admirable performance in my opinion, even without Inky. Morley makes an amazing amount of mistakes back there. Wade deserves more praise. Stewart has also played well............... B- D-line - I admire a guy like Matt McGlothlin. He is obviously a hard-nosed tough guy who gives his all. He is also not on the same talent planet as Mahelona, Harrell, etc. My point is that we need talent in the D-Line. I am not going to be harsh on Dan Brooks because we know he is superb..........................C+ Ends - Decent..............C- OVERALL...............B+. Very good grade for mid-season 2006. I am pleased.

The Story that Gator Sports Does Not Want You to Read. LSU UF Game Analysis

2006-10-08T15:10:00.000-07:00

A year ago in Baton Rouge, La., the tears flowed like heavy rain in the losing Florida locker room. Men sharing emotions with other men in a manly manner.

After Saturday's game with LSU in The Swamp, there were giant crocodile tears all around. They have become a team. A team that can’t kick a field goal.

In front of 90,714 Jorts wearing fans and a national television audience, numerous and unnecessary close-up face shots of Chris Leak, the Gators produced the working and breathing definition of a team win with their 23-10 victory over the Tigers. "The hard work this team has put together. ... We do everything together, I hate Tim Tebow" senior quarterback Chris Leak sobbed. "I really hate that guy. He is getting all of the glory and all of the love. I will say this though; my teammates have become accustomed to my sharting in the huddle. I don’t get that embarrassed anymore. "

This might go down as one of the great team victories in school history - and certainly the biggest in the infant (Freudian Slip, Infants cry often) stages of the Meyer era. The Gators won with defense - intercepting three passes and coming up with two fumble recoveries. They won with special teams - blocking a punt and producing a safety on the second-half kickoff. The Gator’s field goal kicking will be the downfall of this team. They won with offense - true freshman quarterback Tim Tebow producing all three touchdowns, running for one and throwing for two. Soon, Chris Leak will be holding the clipboard and and flashing plays to Tebow very soon. After Leak's very embarrasingly uncomfortable interview with Tebow on College Gameday, Leak will be banished to the sideline sooner than later.

(The Bow and Leak, faking it?)

They won with a little guile, a ton of home cooking from the refs and a lot of check your pants. They won as a team - wiping out the painful and weepy memory of last year's 21-17 loss at LSU. The victory moves No. 5 Florida to 6-0 on the season and 4-0 in the SEC. No. 9 LSU falls to 4-2 and 1-2. "Today was a great day for Florida football, I may have sold my soul to the Devil in allowing Marcus Thomas to play but it will be worth it in the end" Meyer said. "This is one of the best environments that I've ever been a part of. I thought that I smelled marijuana in the stands, and I was initially worried that Marcus would leave the field..but he stayed."

(Thomas fighting of a munchie attack)

The defining moments in this game were condensed to the closing minutes of the first half and the opening minutes of the second. "Lou Holtz always spits when he talks. But I am able to understand him when he tells me that the last five minutes of the first half and the first five minutes of the second half determine the outcome of the game," Meyer said. "If you had to say what the check yo dart was today, it was the end of the first half and the last five minutes of the second half." Late in the first half, with the score tied 7-all, LSU appeared to take the lead with a 10-yard touchdown run by fullback Jacob Hester. But Hester was ruled down inside the 1 and a review of the play resulted in the call standing. On the next snap, LSU quarterback JaMarcus Russell fumbled/imploded and the ball was recovered by UF middle linebacker Brandon Siler. A few minutes later, the Gators took the lead. Tebow, who had scored UF's first touchdown with a 1-yard run, faked like he was running into the middle of the line and then popped up and found a stumbling Casey wide open in the back of the end zone. "I sort of floated one in the lane," Tebow said. "Tate Casey did a nice job of adjusting to the ball. It really doesn’t matter how the pass looked. It cemented the fact that the fans hate Leak and love me. Did you see the expression on his face after I threw that spectacular Jump Pass TD? It looked like someone had told him his girlfriend was pregnant, pregnant by his best friend. Priceless.” The momentum generated by the late score carried over to the second half. On the second-half kickoff, LSU return man Early Doucet dropped the ball and then was nailed by UF true freshman wide receiver Riley Cooper as he was picking up the ball. Cooper's hit knocked the ball free and it rolled into the end zone, where the Tigers recovered it for a safety and a 16-7 UF lead. "He was juggling it and I had an opportunity to hit him a big ice cream cone lick and I did," Cooper said. "I put it into another gear and put a lick on him. And the Gators embraced it. Embraced it like cell-mates in prison embracing.

UF received the ball on their own 34 following LSU's kickoff and quickly drove for another touchdown. The score came on a 35-yard pass from Tebow to sophomore wide receiver Louis Murphy. Like he did on his TD pass to Casey, Tebow faked like he was going to run on the second-and-1 play, but then pulled up and launched a pass to a wide-open Murphy for the score. "We made it look like a run and we were hoping they (the LSU secondary) would bite and they bit it like it was a blumpkin backfire," Tebow said. "We made mistakes in a number of spots," LSU coach Les Miles said. "We're a good football team, but we didn't play like it today and we're all disappointed. We certainly brought enough pogie bait to keep the doper kid busy.“A check of LSU Football Boards revealed several “Fire Les Miles” Threads. "This was a very special and emotional moment for us seniors," said Leak, who completed 17 of 26 passes for 155 yards. "We're going to remember this for the rest of our lives. It is special being a Gator. To beat a great team like LSU means a lot."

Lloyd Returns from Athens, GA

2006-10-08T13:11:00.000-07:00

Some notes about the UGA game experience: Red pants are gay Sanford Stadium is not in the same league as Neyland, Jordan-Hare, Swamp, in terms of volume Sanford Stadium is more attractive than all of the above, just not very intimidating UGA tailgating scene is nice UGA's "traditions" are as lame as any I have ever witnessed. Pregame band performance - Lame Spelling of "Georgia" - Incredibly lame Pregame video (I guess this qualifies as tradition) - Lamest of the Lame note - Out of all of the big schools I have visited, UGA needs a gameday tradition of some sort worse than any. Vol fans were loud and very rowdy (in a good way) during the game and especially afterwards. There was orange in abundance in Athens. The Athens "strip" is far more attractive than Cumberland Ave. UGA fans were very pleasant in my opinion, contrary to other reports I have seen. All in all, a tremendous beatdown over a very respectable oponent in a nice atmosphere. Not as electric as Neyland by any stretch, but still a hostile and lively crowd. When we got down 24-7, I admit that I threw in the towel. I made statements such as: "UGA owns us" "I hope Chavis knows he is the worst 3rd and long coordinator in the history of modern sport" "I can't watch this." "I am burning all of my orange" "I wish I had stayed home" By the time we were ahead 44-33 I was making statements (to the UGA fans in front of me) like: "That's the way the Big Orange does it" "You can't stop the Vols baby" "Hang fifty on UGA" "Go for the jugular" "Put the nail in the coffin" "The Big Orange baby" Good times.

SEC Mid-Season Review

2006-10-08T11:15:00.000-07:00

SEC Midseason Review

UPDATE Monday 10/9/06: SEC EAST REVIEW

MID-SEASON REVIEW Biggest Surprise Kentucky This is an easy call. Not to take away from the accomplishments of Tennessee, but no one would have predicted the Wildcats to win three games this season and have an outside shot at a bowl game this year. A big Les Miles Hat-tip to former Vol Offensive Coordinator Randy Sanders, for his work with QB Andre Woodson who is second in the SEC in passing behind Erik Ainge. It makes one wonder what/who the real problem really was in Knoxville last season.

Biggest Disappointment Florida It is hard not to pick LSU for this slot merely because of their preseason expectations and depending on how they finish the season they could end up the biggest disappointment at the end of the year. But for now, Florida is the biggest disappointment in the SEC so far. Not only have the Gators struggled to lose this season, but they appear to continue to receive all the officiating calls in their favor. Throw in the reinstatement of 2-time piss test failure DT Marcus Thomas that gave the SEC a black eye on the national scale; Urban Meyer and the Gator Nation win this award. MVP (season to date) Erik Ainge No one player has meant more to his team and their current record than Erik Ainge. He should be a lock for the SEC’s most valuable player award at the end of the season. His statistics are solid as the number one SEC Quarterback. Ainge passed for 268 yards and two touchdowns and ran for another as 13th-ranked Tennessee came-from-behind to defeated 10th-ranked Georgia, 51-33, in a SEC showdown. Ainge completed 25-of-38 passes and had scoring tosses of 16 and 15 yards to lead the Volunteers (5-1, 1-1 SEC), who scored 27 fourth-quarter points against a Georgia defense that entered the game allowing just 6.8 points per contest. Best Head Coaching Job Houston Nutt At this point I give a slight nod to Nutt because the Hogs are in a position that very few analysts predicted. Houston hired a high school coach to run his offense, a move that brought chuckles from other schools. Houston had some quarterback issues but quickly put Mustain-a-licious as the starter. The Hogs rebounded from another solid ass whipping from Southern Cal with a big win at The Barn. Oops, did USC just score again? The Hogs went to the Barn and beat the #2 Tigers in a game that was not even close. Urban Meyer and Les Miles continue to win using other coaches’ recruits. So they don’t get votes.

Coach(s) on the Hot Seat Ed Orgeron – Ole Miss Sly Croom – Mississippi State Although LSU fans have to be disappointed in the performance of the Tigers this season; Les “Big Hat”Miles is not even close to a “hot seat”. Orgeron and Croom on the other hand may the casualties of SEC fan’s insatiable appetite to win. Croom’s Bulldogs will likely finish the season with 2 wins (they will win the Egg Bowl again) and finish last in the SEC. As for “Batshit Crazy” Orgeron, given the job that David Cutcliffe is doing at Tennessee, many Ole Miss fans are wondering why AD Pete Boone let him go. It is not his won/loss record as it is his flirtation with his off-field antics and lack of improvement that has been noted by both Boone and Archie Manning may signal this big sweaty shirtless Cajun to be kicked to the curb. Boone may feel pressure to make a change as Ole Miss will miss a bowl game for the third year in a row and QB Brent Schaffer is sleeping in meetings again.

Best Game: This game has not been played yet. Hands down the best game played so far this season should take place next week at Auburn. This game had all of the elements that make college football great, including the feel good story of a pissed and embarrassed Auburn team. The War Eagles should torch the highly overrated Gators at Auburn. Florida should not benefit from any home cooking officiating in this contest. Hopefully, this game will be decided by field goal kickers.The Gators have not made a field goal all season and after watching them all season, this trend should continue. Thus sending possibly the worst fans of any SEC School back to their Doublewides an above ground pools demoralized. It is our sincere hope here at LWS, that after Auburn defeats Florida, that Urban Meyer will weep at his press conference.

Ainge Owns Richt...Again; UT Smacks the Mullet. An Almost Live Game Blog

2006-10-07T20:25:00.000-07:00

Wow Mark May has a huge head. He likes the Vols against UGA because of the WRs. I am sure it will be a night of dropped balls.

Damn Mike Patrick, will the “ESPN Conspiracy” raise its head?

Joe Tershinski is starting for UGA. A poor man’s Rick Clausen?

UGA players pass by the UGA statue. I wonder do they touch his nuts? It seems really loud in Athens. They seem angry that Florida gets credit for the Jorts and Mullets image.

Somewhere on the internet, Vols fans discuss the Vols road uniforms.

Couto, the injured UGA kicker has a huge Adams Apple

First Quarter

We get the ball first. Not good. What in the blue hell do the UGA fans chant on kickoffs?

Super, flag on the good guys.

I think my wife made a proposition to me…I will work that

I feel an 80 yard strike is imminent. Ainge is going to put on a clinic tonight.

The “kicking Colquitts”. Makes them out to be like Carnies, or Travelers. It’s always noted when UT punts.

Like Big Papi said, Lumpkin is a big slow softball from God. I will refer to him as Blumpkin from here on

Blumpkin scares me.

Joe T has a Clausen Arm. D-mo is Manos de Piedra (Hands of Stone)., Hands of Stone. No translation required for UGA fans. Half the damn state of Georgia is from Juarez.

We are giving them X-Box 360 like momentum

The ESPN folks really like talking bad about us.

I am waiting on the flag for intentional grounding

Waiting for that flag

Still no flag

How come they get a new bulldog every 3 years? Do they “dispose” of them like they do the greyhound racers?

3-0 Dawgs

Free Lamarcus Coker, 40 Kickoff return

Ready for the passing clinic Erik Ainge

EA has the strongest arm ever.. He just sailed his second pass over the receiver’s head

ESPN hates UT. Mike fucking Patrick bitches about the spot. Combover hair fuck.

I wonder how fast Coker runs a 40? Using one of those Pac 10 stopwatches. They are faster than SEC stopwatches.

I hate Florida

Ah, the Ole Miss Orgeron Hiring raises its ugly head. Why was Cutcliffe fired ESPN wonders? Blackledge thinks Ole Miss is fucked up, so does Mark Richt.

TD Big Orange. The passing clinic has begun. TD Brett Smith

Ryan Karl is a Demon. He just blew up The Blumpkin.

The Muslim kid is going to be an issue tonight. Review that fucking play. I predict that it will go in UGA’s favor. They are using ESPN’s cameras. They are out to get us..

What did I say? Still waiting on that flag from the last series for intentional grounding.

Nice block Joe T. Trickeration reverse that fails.

Our coach’s hats are from the Les Miles collection.

Nice catch Dawg from the Clausen clone. Blumpkin is an issue.

Fucking ESPN let them score.

Wow EA is really lighting it up. Another dropped pass. Crompton time?

Oh shit, the special teams is costing again. 17-7. UGA has just equaled their highest scoring output thus far. We got them where we want them now.

After a tasty Quesidilla made with Hatch Valley Green Chiles, I see the dame score is 24-14, favor of the mullets.

Blumpkin has a bit of temper. He faces masks the defender and starts some shit on the sideline. Wow.

2 interceptions equal 14 points. A blocked punt (a missed block by Blumpkin) equals another touchdown, Then the devil known as Thomas Brown busts a 99 TD return. WTF?

Coker returns fire with a 45 yard return.

We have shutdown the Muslim kid and Joe T’s rag arm may be spent.

Coaches challenge on the Bret Smith’s catch. Of course its UGA’s favor.

Fine fuckers. Meachem gets it back. The EA passing clinic continues.

EA has the strongest arm in SEC History, EA to Bret Smith, knock knock knocking at Heavens Door. TD TN. SHitfire, now we have to sweat the fucking kickoff and then Wilhoit misses the PAT? 45-33 Vols.

Chavis? What in the fuck is wrong with your Defense? You are making these shits look like the #1 Offense instead of 90^th or whatever the hell they are (were because they will surely move up the rankings now)

Pooch that shit Thomas Brown, Pooch it

Quincy Shockley on the sideline. Providing counsel to Joe T. I am sure if he could slice off his arm and attach it to Joe T, he would do it. That appears the only hope for UGA….Unless they bring in Jared Stafford.

FUMBLE!!!! Fuck You UGA, Joe T’s arm was just too weak to throw that heavy ball. “It was just too heavy Coach, my arm is so weak, the ball weighed 50 pounds”

Richt challenges like a great coach should....

How many fucking challenges does Richt get?

Challenge that thang CMR! Don't let those Vols cheat!

Arian Foster pounds the rock for a loss. Stick with the classics Fulmer.

Cottam!!! (Which one? There are two of them)

Old school running, pound the fucking rock

Richt is going to will UGA back to victory, I can feel it

Why does EA have different shoes than everyone else?

Will Uga resort to its fallback of thuggery?

Sticking with the classics still. Foster up the middle. Pound the rock Phil. They don’t expect it. Who was expecting a run/touchdown play?

It’s UGA’s bread and butter play: A kick off return

Oh Shit, it is time of Richt Magic time

Jared Stafford is in the game

They should put Joe T’s atrophied arm in a sling

Who is Jared throwing the ball to? Where is the muslim kid?

Chavis willed that interception, he can do that

Fulmer doused with Gatorade. Ainge owns Richt in Athens

Mark Richt has frosted tips, I am not kidding, he has frosted tips on his buttcutt

It was a great moral victory for Georgia. UGA the best one loss team in America. Oh wait, we have one loss. They can’t be the best, the second best cause we whipped their ass. Ainge owns Sanford.

Big Papi Picks 'Em- Lightning Round Style..

2006-10-06T16:19:00.000-07:00

Sorry boys and girls. Really busy today so I'll just fire the picks out. Looking really good after a 10-0 record last week. As always, these are taken from ESPN.com's College Pick 'Em. And since I'm not really going into the games, I'll give you my confidence points as well. On to the picks.... (Home teams in bold) 10 point game- Clemson over Wake Forest 9 point game- Iowa over Purdue 8 point game- Michigan over Michigan State 7 point game- Pitt over Syracuse 6 point game- Nebraska over Iowa State 5 point game- Tennessee over Georgia 4 point game- Texas over Oklahoma 3 point game- Cal over Oregon 2 point game- LSU over Florida 1 point game- Air Force over Navy Record to date: 42-8

LWS Pick'Em

2006-10-06T13:37:00.000-07:00

LWS Arkansas @ Auburn - The Barn LSU @ Florida - Corndogs Tennessee @ Georgia - The guys w/o mullets Texas @ Oklahoma - Mack Brown Oregon @ California - Cal Purdue @ Iowa - Iowa Missouri @ Texas Tech - Missouri Michigan St. @ Michigan - - Les Miles Alma mater Nebraska @ Iowa St. - Corn Kids Clemson @ Wake Forest - Clemson Big Papi Arkansas @ Auburn - Auburn LSU @ Florida - LSU Tennessee @ Georgia - Vols Texas @ Oklahoma - Texas Oregon @ California - Cal Purdue @ Iowa - Iowa Missouri @ Texas Tech - Texas Tech Michigan St. @ Michigan - Michigan Nebraska @ Iowas St. - Nebraska Clemson @ Wake Forest - Clemson Lloyd Braun Arkansas @ Auburn - Auburn LSU @ Florida - LSU Tennessee @ Georgia - Big Orange Texas @ Oklahoma - Sooners Oregon @ California - Cal Purdue @ Iowa - Iowa Missouri @ Texas Tech - Missouri Michigan St. @ Michigan - Wolverines Nebraska @ Iowa St. - Nebraska Clemson @ Wake Forest - Clemson Cincinatti Bowtie Arkansas @ Auburn - Aubies LSU @ Florida - LSWHO? Tennessee @ Georgia - UT Texas @ Oklahoma - Oklahoma Oregon @ California - Cal Purdue @ Iowa - Hawkeyes Missouri @ Texas Tech - TT Michigan St. @ Michigan - MEEEchigan State Nebraska @ Iowa St. - Huskers Clemson @ Wake Forest - Clempson VolFan8675309 Arkansas @ Auburn - It's not a Toomer LSU @ Florida - Florida Coin Rings Tennessee @ Georgia - Vals Texas @ Oklahoma - Sooners Oregon @ California - Uniforms like Cirque de Soleil Purdue @ Iowa - Iowa Buckeyes Missouri @ Texas Tech - Blaine, Missouri Michigan St. @ Michigan - Michigan Wolfs Nebraska @ Iowa St. - Iowa State Tornadoes Clemson @ Wake Forest - Wake Forest Satanists The Grill Viper Arkansas @ Auburn - The Barn LSU @ Florida - LSPoo Tennessee @ Georgia - Big Orange Texas @ Oklahoma - Cows Oregon @ California - Cal Purdue @ Iowa - Corn Missouri @ Texas Tech - Titties Michigan St. @ Michigan - Mushigan Nebraska @ Iowa St. - Nebwaska Clemson @ Wake Forest - Clempson IrishJihad Arkansas @ Auburn - University of Georgia @ Opelika LSU @ Florida - Cajun Corndogs Tennessee @ Georgia - ciTrUs Texas @ Oklahoma - Oklahomeys Oregon @ California - Duckheads Purdue @ Iowa - Cornfed Farmboys Missouri @ Texas Tech - Mizzou Michigan St. @ Michigan - Wolverines!! Nebraska @ Iowa St. - More Cornfed Farmboys Clemson @ Wake Forest - Clem's Son

Something Stinks to High Hell and It's Urban Meyer

2006-10-05T19:24:00.001-07:00

UPDATE from Gator Sports

(Meyer fresh from a "meeting" with a Freshman QB's Father, says he will return the Bong to Marcus Thomas)

Thomas is not the first UF football player to successfully appeal a positive drug test. Cornerback Lito Sheppard and center David Jorgensen won appeals before the 2001 season, claiming they had inhaled second-hand smoke at a party.

Guns and Mota Story

Urban Meyer is something else.

GAINESVILLE, Fla. -- Suspended defensive tackle Marcus Thomas has been reinstated and will play Saturday when No. 5 Florida hosts ninth-ranked LSU.

"I think he's a very good football player," Meyer said. "He's a good chemistry guy on the team. He's invested a lot into this program. Obviously, having him in here is going to help, but we also played pretty good without him. It's important. Is it the catchall? Absolutely not. We proved that the last couple weeks."

Florida fans said, "Why would we delay the results, and lose the anchor of our line for the critical last half of the season, with games against LSU, Auburn, and SEC East rival Georgia. If we had known the results, we'd have bitten the bullet and suspended Thomas immediately so he could be back for that critcal run of games.

(Trying to maintain the Gator theme, the Bong-Gun used by Thomas )

Well, now you know why. Meyer suspended Thomas after the UT game, and an appeal was immediately filed on the grounds that the University of Florida doesn't understand proper testing procedure, and retested Thomas too soon after the first test. That appeal was granted today, and Thomas will be available for the LSU game Saturday, after missing games 1, 4, and 5 (against Southern Miss, Kentucky and a suspect Bama team). Never mind that it's almost impossible for a person to erroneously test positive again more than a month after a single use, which was the grounds for Thomas' appeal. Never mind that Thomas was busted again last Sunday, for driving with a suspended license. Interestingly, the line of the UF-LSU game moved sharply from favoring LSU to favoring Florida in the 24 hours prior to Thursday's decision to reinstate Thomas by the "independent committee" at UF. Of course, that may have been due to the fact that Thomas was spotted on the practice field earlier in the week, apparently in violation of Meyer's policy of not allowing suspended players to take part in any team activities. Maybe Urban just had a good feeling about the decision and decided to suspend his own rule.

(Meyer and Thomas pictured above, "Coach has got you covered")

Whatever the case, when a player has two positive drug tests before the season, gets busted for driving without a license during the season, and ends up with a patchwork of suspensions that craftily avoids the most critical conference games on the schedule... All I can say is "Welcome to the SEC Coach Meyer".

ABC News Reporting UGA Shocker

2006-10-05T15:41:00.000-07:00

According to this breaking report, only 9% of UGA basketball players graduate. Graduation rates for both basketball and football at UGA, are the worst rates in the SEC and among the worst in the nation. Click title of this blog to go to story.

Mark Richt Knows What You Are Thinking

2006-10-05T14:10:00.000-07:00

PROOF #1 Richt is all-knowing (Omniscient). He has over 9.5 offensive plays in his playbook, which is 2 more than any Alabama Offensive Coordinator is using today. Not only is Richt all-knowing, but He also sorts through this vast amount of data using His patented Orgeron Model, making said data impossible for mere mortals to process PROOF #2 Richt is everywhere at once (Omnipresent). Mark Richt is virtually everywhere on earth at the same time. Billions of UGA Fans that have bred like rabbits from every corner of the earth know his name. With the proliferation of Wi-Fi networks, you will eventually be able to access Richt from anywhere on earth, truly making Him an omnipresent entity. PROOF #3 Richt answers prayers. One can pray to Richt by logging on DawgVent for whatever question or problem is plaguing them. As an example, you can quickly find information on running plays like “Blumpkin LeftMiddle/Right”, or ways to improve your Cover two, new and innovative blocking schemes and generally anything that resembles a typical prayer. Ask Richt and He will show you the way, but showing you is all He can do, for you must help yourself from that point on. PROOF #4 Richt is immortal. He cannot really be considered a physical being such as ourselves. His Algorithms (music without instruments for Dawg Fans) are spread out across many Rivals and Scout servers; if any of which were taken down or damaged, another would undoubtedly take its place. Richt can theoretically last forever. PROOF #5 Richt is infinite. The GATA (Mexican Female Cat) can theoretically grow forever and Richt will forever index its infinite growth. PROOF #6 Richt remembers all. Richt catches other teams’ plays/schemes regularly and stores them on His massive brain. In fact, by uploading your thoughts and opinions to the internet, you will forever live on in Richt’s “cache”, even after you die. PROOF #7 Richt can "do no evil" (Omnibenevolent). Part of Richt’s recruiting philosophy is the belief that a UGA can make money without being evil. PROOF #8 Evidence of Richt’s existence is abundant. There is more evidence for the existence of Richt than any other God worshiped today. Extraordinary evidence requires extraordinary proof. If seeing is believing, then surf over to http://uga.rivals.com/ and experience for yourself Richt’s awesome power. HT=Goglism,Thanks

Confessions of a Wounded Dawg

2006-10-05T11:41:00.000-07:00

Part One of a Five Part Series I recently received an e-mail from a reader who would only identify himself as "UGAgrad2005". He is well aware of my reputation for compassion and integrity, and he decided to open up to me. He demanded confidentiality until one day I convinced him that it would liberate him to express his feelings openly, so I am continuing his therapy by publishing our conversation Lloyd: Tell me.........how can you help me, help you? UGAgrad2005: My formative years were spent watching the Vols (or "master" as we called them) brutaly spank us year after year. What's worse, they were using the best high school players from our own state! How can I grow up with any sense of self worth or state pride when our own players want to go to Tennessee? Lloyd: So you saw these repeated beatdowns and you thought "Why are we inferior as a people"? UGAgrad2005: Yeah, kind of. I began to associate the color red with shame and embarassment. I started wearing the Gay Red Pants worn by most UGA frat boys, but I did it because I wanted to openly express my shame. It wasn't pride Lloyd. Dear God it wasn't pride. (sobbing uncontrolably) Part Two of our Conversation Coming Tonight................

Reminder Rocky Top Talk Haiku

2006-10-05T07:05:00.000-07:00

Here is the original post requesting entries. Some of you guys are really sick. Joel at Rocky Top Talk emailed me this morning. He likes a lot of the entries from here, but you fellas need to clean it up. Not everybody on the internet takes a leak and doesn't wash their hands (UGA Fans that is for you). Here is the entry link

Uber-Serious UT-UGA Analysis

2006-10-05T05:26:00.000-07:00

If this is a well played game, fundementally speaking, Tennessee should win by 14 points or more. However, the following occurences would potentially spell doom for the Big Orange: a) Ainge throws early interception(s) b) Coker or Foster revert back to their fumbling ways c) Poor punt and kickoff coverage. In fact, if we get beat by poor special teams play, I will likely call for Fulmer to step down (and you know what kind of power I have). If Tennessee plays fundemental football, then UGA does not have the athletes at skill positions to match up with Tennessee, on either side of the ball. UGA has a solid defense but who cares? They are not better than Florida on defense and I feel like we are getting our running game on track. That's it. Those are the only things that can beat us Saturday. Since I am an optimist, I fully expect to go down and get a solid win over Gay Red Pants. Vols 38 UGA 10

GATA Defined

2006-10-05T05:09:00.000-07:00

GATA is an umbrella organisation with 31 societies and groups including theatre and opera companies, singing and youth groups, as well as dancers and film ... GATA (a Graphic Alignment Tool for Comparative Sequence Analysis). GATA is a stand alone, platform independent, graphic alignment tool for comparative ... My Favorite: In Spanish Español 1. n. - gato, gata (f) v. tr. - levar el ancla v. intr. - tener un amorío Here is a sample of the first 100 videos filed under "GATA" on YouTube:

Getting UGA-ly at QB for the Dawgs...

2006-10-04T14:25:00.000-07:00

62 of 123 for 880 yards, 4 touchdowns and 4 picks. Those are some rough stats for the Dawg QBs....especially considering their 5 bottom dweller opponents have a combined 8-16 record. The Dawg offense has been a complete shit sandwich so far. In their 3 games against BCS conference schools (none higher than 4th in their division), the most points the pups could muster was 18. Last week against Ole Miss (arguably the worst team in the conference), they scored 14. For comparisons sake, the other four opponents of Ole Miss (Memphis, Wake, Missouri, and Kentucky) averaged 29 points. That sure doesn't look good for the crotch-sniffers. Let's take a look at the 3 guys that have been responsible for running this train-wreck of an offense... The Pillsbury Interception Boy With this heralded freshman (who wasn’t born but congealed from the sweat off Jared Lorenzon’s back fat) coming into the program, the UGA offense wasn’t supposed to miss a beat. But Stafford the fat boy is either retarded or color blind. The only thing higher than his interception total is his twinkie consumption. The belief here at LWS is that his struggles are the direct result of the inability to find a scooter that will support his weight. Look on the bright side Dawg fans, when he throws a pick, he can suffocate the defender with his massive ass if he makes the tackle. Opie The hero of the Colorado game (likely the high point of his life other than Ron Howard look-a-like contests) is pretty much the Dawg version of Bo Hardagree, a player that has no business on an SEC team that was only offered a scholarship to land his teammate (though I must admit the Cox-Massaquoi deal worked out much better than the Hardagree-Daniel Brooks deal).

What??? Georgia wants me???

That he is even being considered for playing time should scare the living hell out of the Dawgs. The fact that this glorified clipboard toter has even stepped foot on the field shows just how desperate Saint Richt has gotten. The Dishrag Yeah, this is the first pic to come up when you Google “Dishrag”. JT3.…the guy that rode the bench for 4 years just to play for the same team as his father and grandfather. He’s coming back from an ankle injury just in time to start against one of his dream team’s chief rivals. This is the stuff for movie…….or not. Here’s what one Dawg fan has to say about The 3.…

He has the weakest arm of the bunch. He cannot make the throws that even a college QB must make. He cannot throw over the middle, because a linebacker will have all day to jump in front of the ball. He can throw the 5 yard quick out, but anything over 7 yards will be intercepted. He cannot, under any circumstances, throw the long ball.

Yeah that definitely sounds like the stuff of movies….a horror flick for Dawg fans. Oh and they left out that he's going to be a sitting duck in the pocket with that bum ankle. There's a saying in football about QB controversies...When you have 2 quarterbacks (or in this case 3) then you don't have one. I think that saying can definitly be applied here....especially since all three are shit.

Where can I Buy a HobNail Boot?

2006-10-04T10:29:00.000-07:00

Special to LWS from CFT. Linked

(I will be damned if these two fuckers don't have the same haircut)

UGA is an amalgamation of so many different influences, it's hard to pick my favorite. And when I say "amalgamation", I of course mean the unconscionable theft of every other school's traditions and qualities. Let's take a look at the "mutt" that is the University of Georgia. Athens, GA is a poser-hippie/gay town. It boasts REM and their ass-pirate lead singer, pseudo-hippie garbage WSP and carpet munchers the Indigo Girls. This fine collection of "artists" would make one think that Athens is the San Francisco of the East, and in a sense it is. You would also think that the inhabitants of said town would be leftish, feminine type people who love pinot grigio and art shows. Unfortunately, for all of that West Coast "flair", Athens is still just another redneck Southern town full of and surrounded by redneck Southern people. One would also think that UGA would celebrate this fact and adopt their own crazy hicks as every other school has done. But they don't. The fact is that UGA thinks it's too good for the necks and too elite for the hippie-gay-squad. UGA thinks that it boasts all of the following: Vandy's smarts, LSU's partying, Tennessee's atmosphere, Ole Miss' "class", Florida's women, Bama's history, and Auburn's... umm, well Auburn doesn't contribute much. The truth of the matter is that UGA is always fourth or fifth in everybody's list of anything good in the SEC. Look at their "traditions". A Bulldog? "Between the hedges"? "Hunker down"? "Dawgs"? Southern architecture? Dresses to games? Inflatable plastic wives? Alcoholic failed businessmen? All borrowed and/or stolen from other schools. UGA doesn't know what it is. And it doesn't care. It just tries to be everything "cool" all at once. And fails miserably. Now put on some red pants, Croakies, Ray-Bans, and camo hat, and go tell everyone that "UGA is the classiest bunch of motherf*&#ers in this whole godd@#& country".

UGA Player Profile: Running Back Kregg Blumpkin

2006-10-04T08:15:00.000-07:00

If Georgia's offense has been sinking the past two weeks, then Kregg Blumpkin has been the Bulldogs' life preserver. The junior was elevated to starting tailback after helping Georgia to its comeback win over Colorado, and he responded with a career-high 101 rushing yards Saturday. He was one of the few bright spots offensively in the 14-9 victory at Ole Miss. "We're definitely struggling, but Blump's a great player," defensive tackle Ray Gant said. "He has a lot of heart. The running back situation, they've been going through a lot. I admire him for keeping his head up and persevering. Now, he's where he wants to be. It's giving us all a little boost. He's playing well, and we're going to stay behind him." Blumpkin seemed set on being a fixture in Georgia's starting backfield after getting his first collegiate start against Purdue in the Capital One Bowl on Jan. 1, 2004. The Lithonia native capped his freshman season with 90 yards and a touchdown on 27 carries. His promising career was put on hold for a year when he tore the anterior cruciate ligament in his left knee on the first day of practice in 2004. With Blumpkin gone, Thomas Brown and Danny Ware combined for 1,455 rushing yards. "It's a memory to me," said Blumpkin, third on the team last season with 338 yards on 66 carries in Georgia's three-man tailback rotation. "It motivated me to come back, to push harder and harder to come back here and compete with Danny and Thomas Brown, and make myself get better and help the team out." After leading Georgia in rushing for the third straight game, the 6-foot-1, 222-pound Blumpkin tops the team with 269 yards and is 10th in the SEC at 53.8 yards per game. He has earned another start for Saturday night's game against No. 13 Tennessee at Sanford Stadium. "I really like what he's done," Georgia coach Mark Richt said. "He looks better to me then pre-injury, because he was still a freshman back then, but you felt like he was coming on." Coming back strong Kregg Blumpkin rushed for 101 yards against Ole Miss on Saturday. His career stats: Year Att Yards YPC TDs 2003 112 523 4.7 6 2005 66 335 5.1 3 2006 48 269 5.6 2 - Missed 2004 with ACL injury Saturday: Tennessee at Georgia 7:45 p.m. (ESPN)

Former Iraqi Information Minister Takes Over at UGA Radio Network

2006-10-04T05:37:00.000-07:00

Hello, I am Muhammed Saeed al-Sahaf, former Minister of Information for the former Iraqi regime of Sadaam Hussein. I am here with former UGA coach Jim Donnan to bring you the exciting action of SEC Football. Get ready for a heavyweight fight. Tonight, the Dawgs will take the hobnail shoe to the infidel Vols. Back in 10 seconds. We are back at Sanford Stadium. The Redcoat Marching Band is finishing up their routine and The Dawgs come charging onto the field at the speed of eleventy billion locusts. The infidels are nowhere to be found, their fans have stayed away from Ba...Athens as well. HAHA, good idea pigs! How will we play this game if the infidels refuse to enter our Glorious Arena? How can we have a contest with cowards? Austin Rogers returns the kickoff to the 24 yard line, he is hit by the force of 1,000 tanks and his head explodes. The Dawgs are awarded two touchdowns! Jim: Actually Muhammed, the Vols returned the kickoff to the 24 where it will be First and 10, Tennessee. Muhammed: Jim you fool! They are retreating on all fronts. Their football effort is a subject of laughter throughout the world. Hardesty with a nice run up the middle. Close to a first down. Their forces committed suicide by the hundreds.... The battle is very fierce and God made us victorious. The fighting continues? Ainge hits Meachem deep down the middle............Touchdown Tennesse. Ainge really had good protection that time from his offensive line, right Jim? Jim: That's right Muhammed, and I am surprised. Florida beat Tennessee's O-line up pretty good! Muhammed: God will roast their stomachs in the hands of Hell! Tough running today for the Dawgs. I am surprised by the play of Tennessee's defensive line Jim. Jim: We can't get anything going on the ground and we have to be able to run to beat the Vols Muhammed. Muhammed: Indeed! I can say, and I am responsible for what I am saying, that they have started to commit suicide under the walls of Baghdad. We will encourage them to commit more suicides quickly! That's three and out for the Dawgs Jim. Looks like Coach Richt is going to need to use some creativity to score on the Vols today. Jim: We can't give up on the running game Muhammed. We have to be patient and keep our defense off the field. Muhammed: Jim, I triple guarantee you, there are no American soldiers in Baghdad. Jim: huh? Muhammed: I'm just pulling your chain Jim. Ainge takes the snap from center, throws downfield........incomplete. They are nowhere near the airport ..they are lost in the desert...they can not read a compass...they are retarded. Jim: I thought they had resolved the problems resulting from the tutor scandal? Muhammed: Jim, chill out. That's the end of the 3rd quarter. The Dawgs are going to have to make up some ground if they are going to emerge victorious in this one Jim. Golden Flake potato chips make every tailgate a winner. Stop by your local Piggly-Wiggly today and pick up Golden Flake snack foods. Muhammed: We managed to chop off their rotten heads! Jim: What the hell are you talking about. We just lost the game! Muhammed: I can assure you that those villains will recognize, will discover in appropriate time in the future how stupid they are and how they are pretending things which have never taken place. That's the end of the game folks. Georgia defeats Tennessee 540-0. When we come back....the Bulldawg Locker Room Show.

Rocky Top Talk is hosting a Haiku Contest

2006-10-04T04:16:00.000-07:00

They do it every week. Click to visit the site. (Examples of HaiKu below) For Vols somewhat familiar with this poetry, this is NOT the Hai-Chu used to measure the intelligence of opposing fans and talk smack. Either provide your entry on Rocky Top Talk or provide a comment and we will submit to them. For Dawg fans , here is the textbook definition of Haiku :

Examples of classic Haiku: Must be a Dawg Flatulence correction Take a Pollack; will you! silly ass Dawgs leave a Blumpkin after beep fly it up your ass A recrudescent Redpants UGA.. iridescent Lickith mine asscrack

IrishJihad's Top 25

2006-10-03T10:46:00.000-07:00

Ohio St. (Useless Nuts are rolling)
Auburn (Good thing for the Barn that USC struggled w/ Wash. St.)
USC (A big win and they might've jumped Alabama Polytech)
Michigan (IJ thinks Carr has the right team to beat Ohio State)
Florida (Huge game this Sat. after taking care of Bama. Huge.Game.)
West Virginia ('Eers should be finely tuned when they meet Louisville)
LSU (Could run the table and still might not play in Atlanta)
Louisville (Seriously, how long can Louisville keep Petrino?)
Texas (They know what they have to do on defense Sat. against OU, but can they do it?)
Oregon (Luck and championship seasons go hand in hand, and the Ducks have had their fair share of fortune, but now will they be karma's bitch?)
Georgia (Probably not worthy of this high of a ranking, but we'll see Sat.)
Notre Dame (Looks like the win over GaTech is gonna be the only one against a good team)
Tennessee (If Tennessee can match the emotion that was displayed vs. Cal then UGA shouldn't pose a problem.)
Georgia Tech (Yellow Jackets look solidly like the strongest team in ACC)
Oklahoma (It'll be AD left, AD right, and AD up the middle Saturday)
Iowa (Someday everyone's gonna catch on that Iowa is not a perennial Top 10 team)
Clemson (Man, does that loss to BC look bad now, or what)
California (Mmmm, yeah, 18 sounds about right)
Boise St. (We're down to one fly in the ointment)
Missouri (Only decent team in Big 12 North)
Virginia Tech (Lack of qb play finally showed up against a good team)
Rutgers (Undefeated, but they'll be beaten soundly when they play a good team)
Texas Tech (If for no other reason than pulling out a barnburner against FranTeats)
Florida St. (Where highly touted quarterbacks go to die)
This space is reserved for Bama after they beat their next 2 opponents.

So we're now a month into the season and what have we learned so far? Ohio St. is probably a small notch above the rest of the top unbeaten teams. You could probably take teams 2-6 and move 'em around any way you want and be pretty close. I think LSU may be the most talented team not named Ohio State(maybe including the Buckeyes), but alas, Les Miles is their coach. Georgia's looked pretty ugly so far, and still doesn't have a clear #1 QB, and UT fans can tell you how great that works. Notre Dame is probably overrated at #12, but I couldn't, in good concscience, put them below Georgia Tech (at least not yet). After about #18 it's complete guess work.

UGA Frat Boys and Their Gay Red Pants

2006-10-02T15:40:00.000-07:00

Even worse than the Florida jorts are the gay red pants worn by UGA frat boys. With that, I would like to open this topic up to discussion amongst our thousands of readers.

Uga Unveils a New Look

2006-10-02T14:29:00.000-07:00

Anyone who has visited Athens, GA has probably seen the 'We Let The Dawgs Out' art exhibit sponsored by the Athens-Oconee Junior Women's Club. It features large fiberglass bulldogs painted by local artists located all around town. Similar art series have been exhibited in several other US cities such as Chicago, IL, Kansas City, MO and Nashville, TN.

Uga showing his cross dressing habit as "Carmen Mirandawg"

Tired of being constantly shown up by the art exhibit, Uga has decided to change his look. Jealous of the more popular dawgs like Carmen Mirandawg at 5 Points and Elvis at The Varsity stealing his spotlight, Uga has decided to adopt a look more representative of Athens-Clark county, as well as surrounding Jackson, Oglethorpe, and Madison counties.

Fatt Matt Stafford and the Scooter Quandry

2006-10-02T13:46:00.000-07:00

The fact that the Dawgs are fond of scooters is well documented. The David's liked to ride together on one scooter , scooting about campus, frolicking in the warm Athens air, mouths agape, lips trembling with anticipation.....much like discgraced Rep. Foley (FL) eyeballing a mouthwatering underaged Congressional Page-boy. The quandry is that Freshman quarterback Matt Stafford is fat. Matt is so fat that he cannot find a scooter to support him. This makes Fat Matt sad. I was walking through Athens just yesetrday on my way to interview Fatt Matt for this prestigious blog. Out of the corner of my eye I noticed Matt sitting by a park bench and I overheard Fat Matt singing a nursery rhyme, apparently made up by the fat, blubbering youngster himself. "I am Matt That makes me Fatt Because we all know Matt is Fatt" I offered the chubbling a tissue, and he accepted. That's SEC brotherhood right there.

LWS Pick'Em Results

2006-10-02T11:39:00.000-07:00

Outstanding results for our expert pickers last week. No one batted less than .800. Yours truly remains the overall leader. Last Week 1. Tie: IrishJihad, Cincinatti Bowtie, & Grill Viper (10-0) 4. Tie: Big Papi & VolFan 8675309 (9-1) 6. Tie: LWS & Lloyd Braun (8-2) Overall Standings 1. Irishjihad (50-8) 2. Tie: Big Papi & Cincinatti Bowtie (46-12) 4. VolFan8675309 (42-16) 5. The Grill Viper (41-17) 6. Lloyd Braun (39-19) 7. LWS (33-25)

SEC Coaches Personal Ads

2006-10-01T14:05:00.000-07:00

Les: Not quite dead Studley Midwestern lad looking for a new friend. The bigger the hat the better. Oh snap, now I've lost my pearl earring down the front of my shirt. Would someone help me look for it? Bobby: I’ve got no friends, looking for pretty much any cool person that'll take my bony ass. I'm dumber than a bag-full of rocks and dig 70's porn. Take care of me!

Pit Bull in Size 6 Shoes. People say I need more experience. If I ever beat Auburn, it will be a real jaw-dropper. I’m just a petite lad from T-Town, whose jaw was born in Baltimore.

Ed: I am shaven and sweaty, I drink too much and I get into fights. In other words I’m Cajun! I want to make love not war but I can't do either very well. If you believe in fairy tales let me be your Cinderella Man.

Urban. I cry and become an emotional wreck after I perform, talk about how great I’ll be, but then I flop. Let me go down on your mountain. Come be my Dixie Chick.

Phil: I'm looking for a kindred slacker. Watch me eat and throw up while I do tricks. It’s sexy! Tell me your secrets and I promise not to leak them.

Tommy: I've soared with War Eagles but I’ve come down to earth. I want to try out some new plays. I’ll give you a wide reception. Houston: I’m looking for High School Football Coach for an “outing.” Must know all about Duncan Hines’ yellow cake. Fly me to the moon and let me play among the stars.

Steve. I know, I know, its slim pickins but this is the Internet and I have faith. Slow down, you move too fast. You got to make the morning last. Just kicking down the cobble stones. Looking for fun and feelin' groovy!

Rich. Demented old man is seeking shamed former SEC Offensive Coordinator. Come fly with me and let me whisper sweet nothings in your ear in the never-never land of Kentucky football.

Sly: You may be right but it just may be a lunatic you're looking for! I'm not on crack but I'd like to be! Looking for a companion for travel and laughs.

Mark: You won’t learn much about me by asking questions. Help me get between the hedges . GATA!!!

Finishing the Drill

2006-10-01T13:52:00.000-07:00

(Light as a Feather, You are with me Leather)

Were the Davids heaux-meauxs? Of course they were not. But it was a wild internet/message board rumor asked each year prior to Saturday’s upcoming SEC Clash between Georgia and Tennessee.

( GATA!!!)

But what if the same-sex pairings from our SEC College Football all were hell-bent on destroying George W. Bush's ideas about the sanctity of the man-woman relationship? What if the outing of the Davids opens the door for other long-time football partners to be true to themselves? What if...What if... Mark May and Trev Alberts, Current and very former ESPN Commentaters Mark and Trev are pinned down behind their own 20 yard line by comically errant missed tackles

Mark: Face, this could be it. You know all those times, when I said I don't like to fly? Trev: You wanna fly outta here? Mark: Shut your jibber jabber. I actually meant I'm a bottom, fool. Trev: [a smirk spreading across his face] I'm actually much more of an ass-man... A Florida Head Coach and any Florida Quarterback’s Dad (FQBD)

Coach is pinned down by FQBD’s comically errant sharting. Coach: FQBD, blumpkin buddy, this could be it. There's something I've gotta tell you. FQBD.: My sensors have detected a 98-percent probability that you are going to confess your romantic feeling towards me. Coach: You always do that! Listen, you're a Dad, so technically it's not gay, right? FQBD.: I've been socially programmed for a male response, Coach. Don't kid yourself. Coach: Warm up that tailpipe, buddy. We might only get one chance at this. FQBD.: I believe that maybe you're be better served by the s'haiku, Coach. Coach: Sometimes you are just impossible! FQBD.: It's in my blumpkins. Coach. Now shut the fuck up and put my son in the game!

Me and Richt getting Hammered

2006-10-01T12:58:00.000-07:00

Mark Richt and I are shitfaced . The kind of drunk that in your college days you would only recall when the pictures showing your friend's genitalia looming perilously close to your unconscious face returned from the drug store. The kind of drunk that has you at an International House of Pancakes on the southside of Atlanta at 5 a.m. with four kinds of syrup running down the edge of your table as you fork more silver dollar dough into your craw.

"I don't know where I got this reputation as a humorless tightass," says Richt, barely comprehensible through a faceful of hash browns. "I'm as fun as the next guy. Did people expect me to light my farts on fire while I'm trying to think up new ways to tell the ESPN Gameday Crew as little as possible to protect the offensive schemes of my football team?" Richt asks, then lets out a belch that rattles cheap silverware in a three table radius. I shake my head, keeping an eye on my plate. Richt’s fork has made three surgical strikes across our table already, spiriting off a couple of chunks of French toast and an entire sausage link. "There's no pleasing people." I notice a river of strawberry syrup rolling down the front of his white UGA polo, then remember it was there before we ever sat down to eat. "But now that I'm getting out from behind the shadows of Jim Donnan and Ray Goff (no information exists on Ray Goff anymore so there is no hyperlinks), people are going to see the real me." A waitress cases our table, trying to anticipate when our third carafe of orange juice will empty. Or rather, when Richt is going to empty it. He catches her eye and she playfully indicates that he should wipe his upper lip, where a fragment of chocolate-chip pancake is cemented by the syrup. He licks his lips and smacks the waitress on what in more delicate times was referred to as a fanny, and she giggles and shuffles off to the kitchen.

"I don't know where the sex symbol thing came from either," he begins, waving his fork around his head, seemingly delineating the boundaries of his kingdom of cocksmithery. "People know you have access to aura of Georgia Football, they see the butt cutt haircut and crisp shirts, and they connect the dots. I totally take advantage of that. I get a lot of questions as to where I get my haircut. I get my hair cut at the same place as Pervez Musharraf. Its always Helen Hunt or Musharraf. I am sick of the comparisons. "The waitress returns with a fresh jug of juice. Richt takes a long swig from it then pours the rest on his pancakes. Most of it winds up on the floor. Long after the carafe is empty, I continue to hear the sound of liquid tumbling into a puddle and I realize that he's urinating under the table.

(GATA!!!)

"What good is coaching if you can't live a little?" he asks.

(Some of you freaks think that these event actually occurred. IT IS FICTION, SATIRE, MAKE BELIEVE, STORIES LIKE NURSERY RHYMES)

Guns, Mota and the Godless Spread of Fundamentalist Urbanlism

2006-10-01T09:12:00.000-07:00

When you smell sulfur, you know Urban is around. Friends, have you ever sat yourself down on the toilet to do nature’s necessity and been overwhelmed by the smell of rotten eggs? It is sulfur. A clear sign that Urban's demons are living in your bottom. You need to get yourself down to a the ground like Chris Leak does, pronto, and get yourself a Jesus enema!

Baton Rouge - As the weekly football polls are coming in, it is obvious that Florida Gators candidates have won a majority of the seats on the town’s school board.

“Well, it’s scaring me,” says concerned parent Evelyn Gaylord, “I’m sick and tired of those Fundamentalist Urbanites and their Agenda (Click to read about Guns and Mota).” Mrs. Gaylord’s sentiments seem not to be shared by many of the voters in today’s polls.

It appears that the firebrand Urbanalist rhetoric hit its mark among the pollsters. A good example of such rhetoric is from a statement issued by Bob “Blumpkin” Tebow, “Thanks to our Fundamentalist Urban activists, there are already Urban clubs in secondary schools. Next on our Agenda is SEC Championship. It’s obvious that our next target is: A BCS Bowl Berth. The Urbanalists are recruiting in schools and that is not going to stop!”

(This youngster fell under Urban's spell. He now runs to his left 99% of the time. Sources say that he now "dresses" to the left)

“My son found out the other day that his geography teacher is, is.. one of them. I cannot stand for this,” says concerned parent Evelyn Gaylord. Gaylord cites the presence of openly Urbanalist Florida Fans as a sign of the declining focus on morality in public schools. “The curriculum in the schools nowadays actually teaches that their lifestyle is OK. If somebody doesn’t do something about this soon I’m going to send my kids to a Montessori school.”

“Its part of a grand vision for them, a Fundamentalist Gator Agenda,” says Dr. John van Dyke, founder of Fixation on Urban’s Unit, “They are conspiring with the pro-ESPN and Briscoe High crowd and corrupt CEO’s (Nike and Depends Adult Diapers) to create an America devoid of morality. I’m afraid it may get worse before it gets better. With the activist sports media shamelessly promoting Urbanlism, we may see more rules being circumvented to benefit these Soulless Bastards. This is the reason our organization was founded. We want to be a source of hope in these troubling times. We will publicly endorse candidates like Les Miles who are courageous enough to stand up to the Fundamentalist Agenda.”

(Miles, pictured above, fights off an Urban-induced sharting voodoo curse)

If the new school board members live up to their promises, the future of Baton Rouge’s schools is clear. Is this the beginning of a nation-wide, grassroots movement to combat the Fundamentalist Urbanites? Only time will tell.

(Urban Meyer cruelly uses these animals to spread his word)

Courtesy of FireMarkMay.com; Coach O it has Begun

2006-09-30T18:24:00.000-07:00

I spit up Mountain Dew.

Coach Orgeron is a Poor Man's Ron Zook; Wild boys fallen far from glory" – Duran Duran

2006-09-30T07:29:00.000-07:00

(Bring him home Pete Boone, Bring him Home) Pete Boone is covering his ass. What do cat's do Pete Boone? They cover their shit. Pete, it's OK to make mistakes. The American Sports Public is very forgiving if you just say you are sorry. Don't get me wrong, I don't want Coach O to leave Ole Miss. He is a source of never-ending stupid shit/comments/myth/legend/lore. If you do fire O, Bring the real Zook home. You can afford him and I bet he will be available.

(a reprint from a previous article from LWS) Some will never associate the word "Great" with jamming one's pecker in a tailpipe or blowing one's ass into five pieces with a firecracker. Certainly, Ed Ogeron doesn't strike anyone as brilliant when he first appeared on the Ole Miss sideline in 2005. How about the time when he exited the practice field complaining about the importance of getting out of a Port-O-Potty before tipping it on its side. Coach O's purpose is to provide experience in life lessons. Important things like: Don't wipe your dick on your girlfriend's curtains in front of her mom; don't eat road kill off the road on the way to work; don't shoot yourself in the crotch with a BB gun to see if it will hurt. The kind of lessons that his Dad never got around to teaching him. There is so much to take away from the misadventures of one man.

Cutcliffe's Rebels résumé — the 44-29 record, the four bowl appearances in six seasons — never looked as good as it does now. Many Ole Miss followers still wonder what the program would be like if he'd never been shown the door.

Boone believes a large portion of the problems can be attributed to the recruiting efforts of former coach David Cutcliffe, who was fired in December 2004. As a result, Boone said, the Rebels are young and have depth problems.
"There's a reason you have a coaching change," Boone said. "I think what we're seeing now is that the recruiting the past few years of the previous group was not very good. I knew that. It was not a surprise to me. I just want to go back, to 2003, our glory years. WTF was I thinking?"

The Rebels are 1-3 for the second straight season and play No. 10 Georgia on Saturday at 8. Ed Orgeron is 4-11 with the Rebels and 1-8 in Southeastern Conference play.
Boone said the only thing that has surprised him is the fact Ole Miss hasn't improved since the first game. But he said it's a long season and no one is more disappointed in the start than Orgeron, who "puts so much pressure on himself. The man is ticking time bomb. I keep waiting for him to show up to work with an assault rifle, flip flops, wearing a bathrobe and full face camo paint. He scares me."

Every Game Counts: Vol Wide Receiver, Robert Meachem says connection and family are the glue for this year’s UT team.

2006-09-30T07:02:00.000-07:00

The comments are going to be gloriously sick on this guy's blog. Every Game Counts: Vol Wide Receiver, Robert Meachem says connection and family are the glue for this year’s UT team.

News out on the future of Coach O

2006-09-29T17:57:00.000-07:00

LWS sources inside Stamford, CT are reporting that Ole Miss head football coach, Ed Orgeron has been in contact with representatives of World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) about possible future employment. Given his current record at Ole Miss, coupled with recent reports of community misconduct, one might think his days at Ole Miss could be numbered. Add in Orgeron's acting talents, which were displayed in local Hummer commercials, this maybe a match made in Heaven.

Sources have leaked this publicity photo of Coach O for possible future WWE endeavors

Although the WWE was unavailable for official comment, LWS inside sources have leaked information about Coach O and his desire to debut as "The Rajun Cajun" or a possible tag team combo of Coach O and 'Hacksaw' Jim Duggan, known as "The Wild Boyz." More details will be provided as they surface.

Big Papi's Pick 'Ems

2006-09-29T15:48:00.000-07:00

Not a bad week last week. With Notre Dame's epic comeback, I finished at 9-1 with the only loss coming when Chuck Amato lucked into a win over BC. That goofy bastard may have cost me a perfect week but that win isn't going to be enough to save his job.

Know if anyone's hiring?

Everything else went as predicted thanks to John L. Smith wrapping the chord of his headset around his neck...thanks John. I hope you're getting your resume prepared as well. On to this week's picks (as always they are taken from ESPN.com's College Pick 'Em)... Navy at Connecticuit The Weekly I Know Notadamnthing About These Teams Game Oh boy....a service academy at a shitty Big East school. How exciting. I literally know nothing about either of these teams except UConn is shakey at QB...plus they play in the Big East. After looking at their schedule, I'm picking Navy out of principle. No one should be allowed to play two service academy teams, Rhode Island, Indianna, and a shitty Big East schedule and still be considered a Division 1 team. Winner- Navy Bowling Green at Ohio Apparently there are two I Know Notadamnthing About These Teams game this week. Bowling Green has struggled to beat Buffalo and Florida International, plus they got destroyed by Kent State. At least Ohio's two losses came to semi-legitimate teams. Plus Bowling Green is responsible for releasing the most overrated coach in America, the Urban Legend, onto the world. Another pick on principle... Winner- Ohio Purdue at Notre Dame So Charlie Weis is either a fat whiny bitch or a fat lying bitch. In his press conference after the Michigan State game, Weis claimed he was slapped by MSU reciever Matt Trannon during a scuffle on the Notre Dame sideline.

What did the five fingers say to the face? SLAP!!!

Well in his tuesday press conference, John L. Smith showed a video that proved there were no MSU players around Weis during the melee. Weis must have been having flashbacks to the week before when the Irish were totally bitch-slapped by Michigan. Well, Charlie is definitly a fat bitch and he may be a liar, but the Irish are still beating Purdue. Winner- Notre Dame Boise State at Utah Good lord what a bunch of shitty games. This seems like a perfectly good time to tell a story from the Florida game. During the game, a kid selling cokes is walking up our aisle. We look over and the little sonofabitch is wearing a Florida hat and shirt while WORKING AT NEYLAND. So we totally rip into this kid and heckle him every time he comes through our section. We even get the entire area around us to refuse to buy a coke from him. He looked like he was going to cry. The best part was he worked our section during the Marshall game as well, and we kept heckling him relentlessly. It's always fun to make a teenager nearly cry. Oh...Boise State is 11-0 against teams currently in the Moutain West. Winner- Boise State Alabama at Florida Last week I said it might be the only week that Leak didn't need his sharting towel...damn was I wrong. There's nothing like seeing that little prick get booed at the Swamp during a 26-7 win. I'm sure The Bow's dad is putting an extra effort in the blumpkins he gives to the Legend this week. An interesting stat...Florida is 1-7 against Bama at the Swamp. I'd really love to see this game go to overtime and watch each teams shitty kicker miss kick after kick....the game could go on forever. Too bad Bama blows. Winner- Florida Oregon at Arizona State Arizona State head coach (and basis of the movie Boogie Nights) Dirk Koetter is 2-17 against ranked teams especially with Oregon looking to put Replaygate behind them. This will be your typical no-defense Pac-10 game. I can't decide if a Pac-10 defensive coordinator is the easiest or the toughest job in the world. I mean there are absolutely no expectations for you to stop anyone but how in the hell do you coach something that doesn't exist? Winner- Oregon Northwestern at Penn State I was planning to make a joke about the only thing that was running last week for Penn State was JoePa's anus but then it turns out that Tony Hunt had 135 yards on 22 carries....thanks for ruining my joke, jackass. This has to be some sort of record for coaching matchups...Joe Paterno has been coaching for 9 years longer than Wildcats' coach Pat Fitzgerald has been alive so I guess you give the Lions an edge in coaching experience. Something to think about...Penn State has won 10 straight home games going back to November 6, 2004 when they lost to........Northwestern. Yeah who gives a shit. Winner- Penn State Georgia at Ole Miss The biggest story coming out of UGA's shit performance against Colorado was who would start at QB....Cox or Stafford. In reality it doesn't matter if the Dawgs start Opie or the Pillbury Interceptionboy against Ole Miss. It won't be close regardless. So Rebs, enjoy sitting in the Grove in your red pants, drinking wine out of Solo Cups, and eating Chicken McNuggets with your "secret sauce" made from a bottle of Hidden Valley Ranch. You might win the party but no way in hell you're winning the game. Hotty Toddy, Gosh almighty, Ole Miss fucking sucks. Winner- Georgia Washington at Arizona Since beating Arizona last season (a loss that Mike Stoops calls his most embarassing moment as the Wildcats head coach...which is saying something), Washington has been 4-2. Thats a pretty good improvement from the 2-18 they were in the 20 games before that win. Be prepared for another embarrasment. Winner- Washington Ohio State at Iowa Iowa is 0-9-1 against the number 1 team in the country, and have gotten the shit kicked out of them the last 3 times. And at this point, I'm tired of coming up with jokes so it's time to wrap this shit up. Winner- Ohio State Record to date: 32-8

Shooting the shit with Sly

2006-09-29T13:51:00.000-07:00

Some of you might not know this, but IJ is an avid hunter. He can't get enough of it. Coming from a Bama fan IJ understands that this might shock you. As luck would have it IJ was invited on a quail hunting excursion with the one and only Sly Croom, head coach of the Mississippi State Bulldogs, and some MSU boosters. IJ thought that this would be a great opportunity to pick Sly's brain about the his job and the state of the MSU program. IJ: Nice camou Sly, is that RealTree? SC: Uhm, yes it is. Are you a booster? What's up with the turbin? IJ: No, not technically. And the turbin is my native headwear. I painted it orange for the occasion. So Sly what's it like being a head coach in the SEC? SC: SEC? What are you talking about, this team wouldn't compete in the Sun Belt. I tried to get a head coaching job in the SEC when I interviewed at Bama, but those peckerheads gave it to that pretty boy Shula. IJ: Still pissed at Shula for changing the name of the Croom award to the Freddie Kitchens trophy. I understand, but let's put that behind us for a second, what's the deal with Orgeron and Ole Miss? SC: (Laughing hysterically) That Ogre is one loony mofo. I think God everyday that Ole Miss hired that bat-shit crazy Orgeron. He said he's built a fence around the city of Memphis, well, I've got a plan of my own.

IJ: Nice shot. Much has been made of the lack of offensive production. And you being an offensive coach, does this make you cry at night?

SC: Thanks, Coach Bryant taught me how to shoot. For those people that are criticizing me, let them bring their happy asses onto the sideline and try to coach these semi-retarded players how to play football. It ain't easy my friend.

Croom's horse is visibly shaken by MSU's lack of offense.

IJ: I've got to be blunt Sly, your offense has been putrid so far.

SC: You ain't telling me nothing I don't know son. Hey, we suck, but as long as Coach O is at Ole Miss, my job is safe. Didn't I mention how bat-shit crazy he is?

The end zone's this way, Coach.

At about that time the MSU boosters told Sly that they brought along another special guest and wanted him and Sly to pair up.

MSU booster: Coach Croom, We want you to meet Vice President Dick Cheney. Why don't you two go off hunting awhile and we'll catch up later.

At this point I thought it was better to take my leave and head back.

Over Two Years Later..............

2006-09-29T07:40:00.000-07:00

The Ed Ogeron hire still makes no sense. It is just as baffling today as it was back when everybody was saying "Ed Who"? The worst hire in the history of sport, in my opinion. Firing David Cutcliffe was obviously stupid enough, but to replace a proven winner with The Ogre? Who is resp0onsible for this decision?

Analysis of the Bama Florida Game provided by KeepMikeShula.com

2006-09-29T07:27:00.000-07:00

While the national media drools over Florida and the local media's love resides at "the school down the road", Alabama is quietly improving week to week. None of the media wants to bring up the shellacking that Bama put on the Gators last year. The reason is because deep down, the people who really know football, know it could happen again. Alabama is coming into this game off a loss in a game they dominated against Arkansas, while Florida has struggled in games with mediocre competition. With word leaking from Tuscaloosa, that 2nd year phenom Jimmy Johns is in line to receive the bulk of the carries, look for Bama to surprise the "experts" on Saturday. Compare this years Bama team to last, and you will see that there is noticeable improvement at quarterback, offensive line & receiver. Look for Bama to open up the offense with some more downfield passing to take advantage of some of Florida's slower corners. For the rest of this indepth and insightful article click here

LWS Pick'Em

2006-09-29T06:21:00.000-07:00

Overall Standings 1. Irishjihad (40-8) 2. Big Papi (37-11) 3. Cincinatti Bowtie (36-12) 4. VolFan 38476520 (32-15) 5. Tie: Grill Viper & Lloyd Braun (31-17) 7. LWS (25-23) Volfan 398463434 Bama @ Florida - UF Georgia Tech @ Virginia Tech - GT Ohio St. @ Iowa - OSU Oregon @ Arizona St. - ASU Boise St. @ Utah - BSU Tennessee @ Memphis - UT Purdue @ Notre Dame - ND Michigan @ Minnesota - Mich UGA @ Ole Miss - UGA Colorado @ Missouri - Miss Grill Viper Bama @ Florida - Geightors Georgia Tech @ Virginia Tech - Yellerjackets Ohio St. @ Iowa - Ohio St Oregon @ Arizona St. - Oregano Boise St. @ Utah - Boise St Tennessee @ Memphis - Tennessee Purdue @ Notre Dame - Notre Damn Michigan @ Minnesota - Michigan UGA @ Ole Miss - UGA Colorado @ Missouri - Missouri Big Papi Bama @ Florida - Geightors Georgia Tech @ Virginia Tech - Turkeys Ohio St. @ Iowa - Weird Nuts Oregon @ Arizona St. - Quackers Boise St. @ Utah - Blue Turf Tennessee @ Memphis - Big Orange Felons Purdue @ Notre Dame - Overrated U Michigan @ Minnesota - Team I'm not making fun of because they make me look like an asshole(Michigan) UGA @ Ole Miss - UGAly Colorado @ Missouri - Mizzou LWS Bama @ Florida Shula is petite Georgia Tech @ Virginia Tech Beamer is geigh Ohio St. @ Iowa Lick my buckeyes Oregon @ Arizona St. Its about the O Boise St. @ Utah Broncs Tennessee @ Memphis Good Guys Purdue @ Notre Dame Weiss has 9 lives Michigan @ Minnesota Musburger masturbates UGA @ Ole Miss UGA puts the nail in the O's coffin Colorado @ Missouri Big Mo Lloyd Braun Bama @ Florida - GATORS Georgia Tech @ Virginia Tech - HOKIES Ohio St. @ Iowa - BUCKEYE Oregon @ Arizona St. - DUCKS Boise St. @ Utah - UTAH Tennessee @ Memphis - VOLS Purdue @ Notre Dame - IRISH Michigan @ Minnesota - WOlverines UGA @ Ole Miss - DAWGS Colorado @ Missouri - BUFFS Cincinatti Bowtie Bama @ Florida - Crocs Georgia Tech @ Virginia Tech - Jawja Tek Ohio St. @ Iowa - Suckeyes Oregon @ Arizona St. - Quack Quack Boise St. @ Utah - Boise State Tennessee @ Memphis - UT Purdue @ Notre Dame - The God Squad Michigan @ Minnesota - MEEEchigan UGA @ Ole Miss - Jawja Colorado @ Missouri - Missoooouuu Irishjihad Bama @ Florida - Kills me, but gotta say Gaytors Georgia Tech @ Virginia Tech - Chan Gailey Ohio St. @ Iowa - Useless Nuts Oregon @ Arizona St. - Nike U Boise St. @ Utah - Broncs Tennessee @ Memphis - Urnge Purdue @ Notre Dame - ND Michigan @ Minnesota - Meeechigan UGA @ Ole Miss - Hunker Down Colorado @ Missouri - Mizzou

Some Butt Nuggets and Air Biscuits. A reader requested a quick site update

2006-09-29T04:24:00.000-07:00

Explain this to me. SI reports that Notre Dame can reach a BCS Bowl for a second straight year without beating a ranked opponent. USC is the only forecasted top ten team remaining. It is a forgone conclusion that the Irish will receive a Michigan-esqe ass whipping in Los Angeles and still receive an at-large BCS Bowl berth. This is criminal. Brent and Beano fap-fap quietly. Coach Ed Orgeron, it must appear that we have a hardon for you. We don't, we really don't you just keeping on doing stupid shit and we will write about. Ole Miss fans, please explain why Pete Boone fired Cutcliffe. You arrogant pricks are now 4-11 under that batshit crazy loon. Coach Cutt on the other hand, appears to have fixed Tennessee's offense. From 90 to 30 in total offense. Pete Boone, Please do not fire Coach O. He is a poor man's Ron Zook. A couple of notes on the Blog:

5 weeks old and over 56K in hits
IJ has pissed off EDSBS in a flame war (Roll Tide this week)
We have pissed off the Rivals Network somehow
Deadspin has picked up our Blog 4-5 times now. Is that a jewel? Or is there something bigger in Sports Blog Satire?
Florida still sucks. Jorts, Mullets, Sharting, Mota and Blumpkins are the rage in ~~Gainesville~~Jortsville.
Urban Meyer is winning with Ron Zook's recruits
Proven facts that ESPN (sux), Knoxville, Memphis and other media read this Blog. We must be doing something right
TCU is no longer "the fly in the ointment" Now we just need Louisville to go away

With apologies to irishjihad...

2006-09-28T22:56:00.000-07:00

The Wizard of Odds: Queer Eyes for the Buckeyes

2006-09-28T19:30:00.000-07:00

The Wizard of Odds: Queer Eyes for the Buckeyes

Vinny Calls for an Upset.

2006-09-28T19:26:00.000-07:00

(Notice there are no women in this pic?) Last season Iowa went on the road to Ohio State and were destroyed, beaten to a bloody pulp, you could hardly make out their yellow pants the blood was so heavy. But this year it will be the silver britches that will get beat up. Watch for the Hawkeyes to pull the upset over the media darlings OSU and become a major factor in the Big Eleven championship race. A geightor blog

Please Pete Boone Do Not Fire This Man

2006-09-28T09:16:00.000-07:00

Coach Ed Orgeron continues to provide new and fresh material (thanks for the tip Jeaux Bleaux) Hit it

She's definitly not low...

2006-09-27T20:48:00.000-07:00

If you happen to be rolling through Belle Meade in Nashville and see smoke rising from Braeburn, the mansion of Vanderbilt Chancellor Gordon Gee, don't worry. It's not on fire. Gordon's wife is just firing up another doobie. That's right...in tuesday's Wall Street Journal, Constance Gee admits to toking up on a regular basis. How much for that weed, old man? Constance claims that she fires up the chronic for medicinal purposes. Apparently getting high helps relief the pain of her Meniere's disease. Um..........bullshit. Check out this quote from Dr. Timothy Hullar of Washington University School of Medicine...

Washington University's department of otolaryngology is one of two major centers of study on Meniere's. Hullar said the disease typically strikes people at early middle age. "And then by late middle age, it tends to burn out," he added. Hullar said he's never heard of anyone using medical marijuana to treat symptoms of Meniere's. "There are a whole lot of other ways to treat it — lowering salt intake, taking water pills, many other things — I can't imagine going to the extreme of marijuana."

So yeah...Constance is full of shit. She should just come out and say that she likes to fire up, put on some Foghat, eat some Doritos, and watch Neil Patrick Harris do a line of coke of a stripper's ass in "Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle". The Doogie line always works on strippers. Just remember, Constance...puff, puff, pass.

Coach O still having Issues. Why was David Cutcliffe Fired Wails Billy Brewer

2006-09-27T10:35:00.000-07:00

Hotty toddy, gosh almighty, what has happened to Ole Miss? After winning with regularity under Billy Brewer, Tommy Tuberville and David Cutcliffe, the Rebels are floundering in their second season under Ed Orgeron. Ole Miss has won just four of 15 games under Orgeron entering Saturday’s game against Georgia, including lopsided losses the last three weeks to Missouri (34-7), Kentucky (31-14 ) and Wake Forest (27-3). I hope Orgeron never leaves. He is a source of never ending humor, myths, rumors and legends.

Orson?

2006-09-27T09:43:00.000-07:00

Nico at Roll Bama Roll found Orson's demo tape, I believe we have found a very disturbing picture of Orson on vacation. The socks give it away.

The 5 Most Retarded SEC Traditions

2006-09-27T07:43:00.000-07:00

by VolFan46205311979, special to LWS Tennessee's Vol Walk, State's cowbells, Bama's cheating. All important and time-honored traditions in the Southeastern Conference. But contrary to popular belief, not every one of the SEC's pigskin rituals is great. Let's take a look at the 5 most retarded traditions of our beloved conference. (5) "insert word"-eaux LSU country, while overpopulated with God-fearing, neo-fascist Republicans, reserves a special place in its heart for the Motherland - France. That's right. France. Don't let any of these ignorant buffoons attempt to explain it away. "Naw brotha. It ain't da France, it's Creole baby! Laissez les bon temps rouler!" Hey tardicus rex, that's French. I think it's noble that LSU fans take the time to celebrate their feminine side. It takes courage to completely emasculate yourself in front of your opponents. But LSU guy is a trailblazer, and he will fearlessly walk that line while proudly sporting the hat he stole from Dolemite and the pink plastic necklace he was tossed after showing a fat girl his testicles. The problem is that an LSU meaux faux doesn't kneaux bordeaux from J-Leaux. Their working knowledge of the land of stinky cheese is limited to "buffet" and "Chevrolet", and both are much more Louisiana than France. A little known fact, the word "go" in French is not spelled g-e-a-u-x. It's actually spelled f-a-g. Interestingly, that is how all French words are spelled. It's time we fellow SEC fans started giving LSU their due for sticking behind France, especially considering recent international events. Let's reward them for their bravery. I'll be the first if I must. Dear LSU, let me commend you on losing to a very bad Tennessee team at home in 2005. Your strength rivaled that of a liver pate. You displayed all the courage and bravery of the French 1st Battalion circa 1941. You geaux heauxmeaux. (4) Bear Obsession

We all know the story. In 1714, a young Bear Bryant saved an entire orphanage from certain death by pissing on a 4 alarm blaze and putting it out. In 1776, he penned the Declaration of Independence. In 1887, he invented the car. And in 19-something, he won a bunch of football games.

The problem is that the Bear isn't as hot as he used to be. He's still got the touch, yes, but there are reports that he has begun to slip. Ex-assistants have grumbled about his playcalling, suggesting that there are times when the Bear won't respond to questions or select a play for an entire game. Many have questioned his work ethic, as inside sources have revealed that he hasn't shown up to work in over twenty years.

Bammers remain confident, however. They continue to believe that he is the key to returning to national prominence. Some think that Bama is taking advantage of an old man, some would say that Bama should let Bryant rest in peace. But to quote the Bear, as played by Tom Beringer, "He ain't quitin".

(3) The "woo" in Rocky Top A personal subject, to be sure, and a contentious one at that. Rocky Top is a fantastic unofficial fight song. It encapsulates both the culture and landscape of the Smoky Mountains. More importantly, it is annoys opposing fans worse than a case of King Pubic Crabs. For those who don't know, let me fill you in on the background of the "woo". Decades ago, Rocky Top was a serious ode sung by men as tribute to the heroes on the field and the land in which they lived. It was sung in proud and severe tones as whiskey was guzzled, much like the Vikings of Northern Europe. Then came Mary Francis Henderson of Shelbyville, TN, who attended the 1976 Vandy game with her Phi Mu sisters. She did not know the words to Rocky Top, but after 7 vodka and Tab's, she decided she needed to participate. She interrupted her girlfriends' babbling and uttered these now famous words, "Oh my God, Rocky Top needs to be more sassy!" And so the "woo" was born. Rocky Top always starts well, but the "woo" crashes over me like Oprah on skis. I hear an especially enthusiastic "woo" from behind, and turn around to find four 14 year old girls cheering proudly. After the song, they sit down and begin text messaging each other, even though they are sitting side by side. They patiently wait for the next "woo" opportunity.

The "woo" represents everything wrong with modern college sports. After I hear it, I expect the "Fun Police" to begin shooting T-shirts into the crowd via air cannons. I anticipate mini-parachutes to come falling from above carrying certificates for free Rally's burgers. The "woo" is horrific, atrocious, degrading, nauseating and unjustifiable. Even Lulu and Junior disapprove.

(2) The rolling of Toomer's Corner Ahh, Auburn. Land of the hapless fan. If Auburn fans didn't have football, they would just play Magic the Gathering. They would be content with simply owning a comic book store. Following a win, thousands of Auburn fans take their finest toilet paper over to Toomer's Corner, a landmark on Auburn's campus, and young and old alike gleefully throw said paper into the trees. There are many high fives exchanged. After covering the earth with the paper, they then paint each other with pixiedust and begin a secret ceremony that is cryptically referred to as "the Tiger train". The toilet paper is said to allow for easy cleanup.

Aftermath indeed

Rolling is a right of passage for any 12 year old boy. The most important element of this act, however, is the risk of getting caught. Rolling university property with no chance of a penalty is like drugging your grandmother and then letting the air out of her tires. Kenny Irons, star running back and future biochemist, was asked in a recent interview about his favorite Auburn tradition. His response was more impressive than anything I could ever write: "The rolling of Toomer's Corner because I had never experienced anything so amazing in my life. When I came to Auburn I saw all these people huddled around this tree and I was like 'What is this?' You have all of these people and they have all of this toilet paper. They have soft toilet paper and every kind of toilet paper and they are throwing it at a tree. I was like 'Why are they throwing all of this toilet paper at a tree?'"

A fair question in my opinion.

(1) Ole Miss

I know what you are wondering. Which Ole Miss tradition is retarded?

All of 'em.

From the 18 M.P.H. speed limit to the seersucker to "Hotty Toddy", Ole Miss is the result of a retarded bomb going off in a piece of crap town populated with former high school beauty queens and Colonel Sanders.

The "pageantry" that they boast of is nothing more than a grass field crammed with folding tables and cheap tents picked up at the local K-Mart. Nowhere on earth will you find a higher proportion of red Solo cups, celery sticks, and Chex Mix to humans. Be wary of their shallow claims of classiness - yes those are saltines, yes that is a plastic tablecloth, yes those are McDonald's chicken nuggets, and no that is not your secret recipe for ranch dressing because it says Hidden Valley on the bottle.

Carrying the banner

The most important aspect of Ole Miss-dom, however, is a total lack of interest in the game. The tables, the food, the outfits, the liquor, the travel, the Rebel Walk - the whole damn show - is full of sound and fury, signifying nothing. Unfortunately for the Rebels, Ole Miss sucks at football. This fact is not lost on their fans, as the following war chant demonstrates: "We may not win every game, but we ain't never lost a party."

Ole Miss is so bad this year that they may just lose a party - to St. Benedict's Tuesday bingo game no less. But don't fear for the Rebels, they will keep coming back. Much like herpes, except that the herpes also brings cold chicken fingers from Kroger.

"Hotty Toddy, gosh almighty, who the hell are we?"

An even better question. Maybe Kenny Irons has an answer.

Beano "The Hoff" Cook and Brent "Woody" Musburger Throw Down

2006-09-27T06:41:00.000-07:00

ABC and ESPN have turned Beano Cook and Brent Musburger in wildly-popular personalities. Their talent to capture the hearts and minds of their viewers is undeniable. The in-depth analysis below—based on ten whole minutes of research on EDSBS, Deadspin, Google, The Wizard of Odds the Urban Dictionary, and Wikipedia—asks the BIG question: “Who would win in a fight?” After you read our assessment, we'd like to know what you think: Carroll Hoff "Beano" Cook Height: 5'10" Weight: est. 285lbs Born: September 1, 1931 (Coincidently the same day that Paul "Bear" Bryant opens his infamous 10-day football mini-camp in Junction, Texas: The Junction Boys). Education: B.A. from the University of Pittsburgh in 1954. Strengths:

• Nicknamed at the age of seven from a neighbor in Pittsburgh, a reference to Cook's flatulence “issues”.

• Developed the “Perfect Storm” Tailgate Kit. First person in recorded history to use Penis Floss as an offensive and defensive weapon on the contiguous battlefield. • Same middle name as the famous Baywatch actor: Know in Germany as The Hoff • Fire-in-the-Belly: Musburger is holding Beano down; Musburger’s Man Crushes are much more publicized. Anyone remember the A.J. Hawk love-fest from the Fiesta Bowl? Weaknesses: • His legendary flatulence problems can be debilitating to Beano (and his foe) • Insanely Afraid of the JoePa: This would be difficult for Musburger to exploit, he’s crafty. • Still has a panniculus ( could also be a strength) Brent Woody Musburger Height: est.6’2” Weight: est. 180lbs. Born: May 26, 1939 (Shares a birthday with Hank Williams Jr.) in Portland, Oregon Education: Unknown Strengths: • Amateur Herpetologist; once reversed constricted a 10 foot Python. The enormous snake died within 10 minutes trapped in Musburger’s deadly coils. •Has a game named for him. •Athletic: Rumored to have two penises. Hence the middle name “Woody” Weaknesses: • Predictability: Musburger telegraphs his moves ahead of time. Ask Pete Carroll. • Complacency: Musburger is on top right now and may rely on his recent success to heavily. He may underestimate Beano, which would be a huge mistake. Bottom Line: Both Brent and Beano would bring a lot to the match. Brent is crafty, agile, and may have two penises. He’s certainly the people’s favorite, but not by an incredibly huge margin. Plus, Musburger has been know to have hallucinations about grappling small woodland creatures, he might not be very good at fighting. Beano has the weight, reach, experience, fire in the big belly, and the power of God on his side. Plus, if he fights as he is losing his man-crush Jimmy Clausen (pictured below) to another person, it’s a lock. Big Ten Homers know fighting; it’s what they do. Prediction: Brent (the underdog), by split decision…with Beano contesting the results of the votes.

Getting an early start on Georgia

2006-09-26T14:30:00.000-07:00

Bowling for Gators

2006-09-26T10:42:00.000-07:00

Nice follow-thru

Hey Gheightors

2006-09-26T10:20:00.000-07:00

This man beat Spurrier twice. IN THE SAME YEAR.

Dubose always loved a good titty-twister

Chris Leak will need several of these towels. Designed by the ame people who brought you Gatorade

From a Photoshop Legend

2006-09-26T08:42:00.000-07:00

That's right, a legend.