NEW BLOG ADDRESS FOR LWS

I was attempting to import the posts from Blogger to Wordpress and they have not made it. Grill viper the lazy shit, wants me to copy and paste all 319 posts over. The new blog is a work in progress so bear with us Here is the new Blog Address: http://loserwithsocks.wordpress.com/

Loser With Socks: LWS Pick'Em

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College Football's Axis of Evil

Columbia — Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the "Axis of Evil," South Carolina, LSU and Ole Miss today announced they had formed the "Axis of Just as Evil," which they said would be way eviler than that stupid UGA, Bama and Florida Gator Axis, the Losers with Socks website warned.

Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the new axis as having, for starters, a really gay name. "Right. They are Just as Evil... in their wettest dreams!" declared Urban Meyer. "Everybody knows we're the best evils... best at being evil... we're the best."

Officials from the University of South Carolina denied they were jealous over being excluded, although they conceded they did ask if they could join the Axis of Evil.

"They told us it (Axis of Evil) was full, it’s tough to explain to our players and fans. Our school has sucked for so long (3 bowl appearances all time) and no one really respects us. Dadgumit, we have tried the “black out” (A pathetic attempt for psyching out the opponent. Typically, the Gamecocks lost both of their “blacked-out” games.), frankly we are just not that scary" said Cock Coach Steve Spurrier.

"An Axis can't have more than three schools," explained Bama Coach Mike Shula. "This is not my rule, its tradition. In World War II you had Germany, Italy, and Japan in the evil Axis. So you can only have three. And a secret handshake. Ours is “fucking” cool, Shula said dropping a patented ‘Shula F-Bomb’."

THE AXIS PANDEMIC

National reaction to LWS’s Axis of Evil declaration was swift, as within minutes, as Southern Cal rattled it’s sabers by scoring another touchdown on Arkansas.

Elsewhere, peer-conscious schools rushed to gain triumvirate status in what became a game of Geo-BCS Musical chairs. Ohio State, Michigan, and Penn State said they had formed the Axis of Somewhat Evil, forcing Nebraska to join with Texas and Oklahoma in the Axis of Occasionally Evil, while Southern Cal, Colorado and UTEP established the Axis of Not So Much Evil Really As Just Generally Disagreeable.

With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable clubs filling up, Louisville, West Virginia, and Virginia Tech applied to be called the Axis of Schools That Aren't the Worst But Certainly Should NOT Be Asked to a BCS Bowl Game; Florida State, Miami, and Kentucky formed the Axis of Schools That Are Actually Quite Nice But Secretly Have Nasty Thoughts About Tim Tebow, while Clemson, Georgia Tech, and Vanderbilt established the Axis of Schools That Sometimes Ask Sheep to Wear Lipstick.

"That's not a threat, really, sheep are just something we like to do," said Clemson Coach Tommy Bowden.

While wondering if the other schools across the NCAA weren't perhaps making fun of them, a cautious LWS granted approval for most axes, although they rejected the establishment of the Axis of Schools Whose Names End in "State," accusing one of its members of filing a false application. Officials from Boise State, Fresno State, and Shippensburg State denied the charges.

Independent Notre Dame, meanwhile, insisted it didn't want to join any Axis, but privately, School Officials said that's only because no one asked them.

HT Satirewire

Bammer Blog

Check this shit. "(fulmer) He's known primarily for his success in recruiting the cream of the crop from our nations prisons, insane asylums." Fulmer certainly missed on Juwan Simpson, John Sara Jessica Parker Wilson and DJ Hall.

Phillip Fulmer has been described as "a genius," "the greatest coach to ever walk the planet," and "one handsome devil" by Vols fans. No one listens to them, though, since no one listens to ignorant hillbillies, and his reputation among those more familiar with college football and not hampered by a lifetime's worth of moonshine is far less flattering. He's known primarily for his success in recruiting the cream of the crop from our nations prisons, insane asylums, and Texas, and for being a big, fat, disgusting blob that bathes in giant tubs of Sam's Choice Imitation Velveeta to maintain his filthy hide's slimy texture.

http://www.rollbamaroll.com/story/2006/10/18/121235/53

Bear and Jesus, What's the Difference?

1. BEAR IS IN THE WITNESS PROTECTION PROGRAM. In February, 1983 President Ronald Reagan awarded Bryant the Presidential Medal of Freedom. It's ludicrous to believe that the Reagan would have issued a medal to someone not working for him, even Bear Bryant. Mysteriously, Six years later, the Berlin Wall fell 2. BEAR’s NAME IS MISSPELLED ON HIS TOMB. Bear’s son, Paul Jr., misspelled Bear’s middle name on the grave—Wiliam instead of William, as his mother named him. This is a sign that Paul Jr. knew that it was not his father in the tomb. 3. PHOTOGRAPHS OF THE CORPSE DON’T RESEMBLE BEAR In 1983, the National Enquirer paid a third cousin of Bear to smuggle a mini-camera in to the viewing of Bear’s body. The resulting picture was published in the Enquirer, and caused shock waves among Bama fans around the world. The eyebrows chin, and fingers all looked unlike Bear. 4. THE COFFIN WAS TOO HEAVY. The coffin weighed 900 pounds: Bear was not known to have been overweight at the time of his death. The only plausible account for that weight would be if the body was a wax dummy and there was an air conditioner inside the coffin to keep the wax dummy from melting. 5. KEN STABLER’s STRANGE QUOTE. Ken Stabler, a former Tide Quarterback, said in a press conference shortly after Bear’s death: ‘Bear didn’t die. The body did. We’re keeping up the good spirits. We’re keeping Bear alive. I talked to him this morning and he told me to 'carry on.’ Is it possible that there was a double entendre to those words: that they had literal truth to them that no one suspected at the time? 6. INCONSISTENCIES IN THE STORY The circumstances of death are described in conflicting ways. Witnesses disagree as to how the body was found and what Bear was wearing, when the body was found, whether it was dead already, when death was declared, and whether AR was tried. 7. THE BOOK DID NOT EXIST THEN The book the “Origins of Life” he is supposed to have been reading when he died was not published until a year later. 8. EVIDENCE THAT BEAR WAS PLANNING ON THE END There seems to be evidence that Bear was preparing for the end: —Why, for instance, did he order no new Hound’s-tooth hats for his new position as Athletic Director? —Why did he fire several old friends shortly before his death? —During his last game in the Liberty Bowl he was a sarcastic bastard, totally out of character for Bear: was he warning his fans? —Five months before hand, family members were suddenly cut out of his will. Did he realize he would need that money for his new life? 9. MYSTERIOUS FIGURE LEAVING MEMPHIS THE DAY AFTER On January 27th 1983, one day after Bear’s death, a ticket to Buenos Aires was bought at Memphis airport by a man looking like Bear and using the name Ron Mexico, a code name Bear frequently used when making hotel reservations for the Bear entourage. 10. NEW AUDIO OF BEAR’s PREGAME SPEECHES EMERGES In 2002, an independent label released a CD entitled Roll Tide Roll featuring Bear’s voice addressing the Alabama Football Team and making reference to Tennessee Head Coach Phil Fulmer. Fulmer was not the Tennessee Head Coach prior to January 26th, 1983.

This is Awesome

From the 8th Maxim, I cried when I saw this

Rocky Top Talk Haiku; Bammer Edition

Enter your Haiku here in the comments or follow the link Click Here are a couple Shula's on the way diurnal syncopation go to bed you F'bomber Ineffable sight With an "F"-bomb crevice Laughable Shula

An LWS Exclusive: Mike Shula gets Candid in a One on One Interview

I was amazed to get the chance to interview the Coach of the Alabama Crimson Tide. His face has graced the cover of magazines ranging from Athlon to National Geographic. I am speaking of the one , the only, Mike Shula. He agreed to do a light dinner at Taco Bell before he had to rush off and do a coaching clinic at a small high school nearby. He ordered a rather hardy meal consisting of 5 soft shell tacos and a Belle Grande Nacho Supreme while I opted for a Diet Coke.

As the interview was about to begin, it seemed he was staring off at something just behind my left shoulder. Upon turning, I realized nothing was there, and that perhaps his eye had drifted off. I chalked it up to his busy schedule and proceeded. LWS: John Parker Wilson (pictured below). He has really beefed up for his role as your starting quarterback. When we last saw him as Brodie Croyle's backup, he could barely fill out a pair of half-britches and a wool vest. Now it seems his rifle arm is being shown everywhere. What was it like to touch that Joe-Willie like arm?

MS: It was spectacular. But also kind of weird. He would always come up and ask me to touch his throwing arm. Between plays, y'know? Of course I'd oblige, but he always laughed like he was high or something. LWS: Intriguing. I'm hoping for quite an extensive behind-the-scenes extra on the rumor that you are going to "turn it on" for the big Tennessee game this weekend? MS: Yes, actually. We have had a plan in place for several months just for Tennessee. We played "vanilla" for the first half of the season camouflaging our explosiveness and our complex offensive schemes. Duke, Hawaii , Vandy Ole Miss and Florida were just feints, ruses and deceptions.I gotta watch my back, MTV is pushing that Hoover guy…Rush Probst (below)…all over the local media here. Gotta make him go away. Thank God for the KeepMikeShula website. The Bama fans love it and I really don't think that they "get" it. But hey, that's OK too. Nobody is the wiser.

It was at this point that I realized he was flexing and relaxing his biceps rapidly, a coy grin vapidly sitting upon his rather wide classic visage. I glanced at his arm , and pointed my pen at it. LWS: It seems you are working out as well. Are you on a new routine? MS: I am working out. Wanna feel? I nodded, and rather prodded his right bicep with my pen. Indeed , the muscle was rock hard and bristled at the barest touch angrily. MS: Actually, it was Coach [Name Redacted] who hooked me up with these totally kick ass anabolic-androgenic steroids. After like...a week of use I could feel my ass totally firming up. I almost choked on a small sip of diet coke while he continued in an eerily non-chalant manner. MS: I wear a ton of Under Armour stuff, since Auburn wears Under Armour; I believe that through wearing Auburn gear, I can really understand how Tubberville's mind works. I need to get some of Tubberville's Click Clack.

Suddenly, his drifting range of sight made a disturbing amount of sense. LWS: I...see. Are you aware that steroids have certain side effects that are not good? MS: Oh, totally. My wax bill every week is phenomenal. Let's just say I hope the Tennessee game goes as well as the last one, or I'm screwed. You should have seen the hair they got off my shoulders the other day. It looked like a cat stuck to fly-paper.

(I am hairy where it counts)

As I proceeded to actually choke on my soft drink, Shula must have discovered a discrepancy in his order as he flung a soft shell taco to the table in disgust. MS: WHAT THE FUCK? I ASKED FOR EXTRA SOUR CREAM. THOSE FUCKING DOUCHE-BAG RETARDS FUCKED UP MY TACO. I'M GONNA FUCKIN' CHOKE THEM! For a brief moment, based on the sheer explosiveness of the outburst, I thought that Ed "Batshit Crazy" Orgeron had entered the restaurant. I quickly recovered and made the mistake of trying to restrain the now enraged Coach Shula , but he shrugged me off like a golden retriever shedding water. After picking myself out of a nearby booth, I could only watch in horror as he made good on his threat to choke the cook. After about 20 minutes of a more than ample use of the phrases "Illiterate Ole Miss Rejects" and "douche-bag retards" , Coach Shula and I were escorted to the parking lot where I finished the interview. LWS: What are your future plans, once you are done with the Alabama franchise? MS: You mean after I have my people track down that motherfucker's (Taco Bell employee) address so I can beat the shit out of his family? I don't know. Probably another coming-of-age teen drama. He smiled at me then, crushed my fingers in a farewell handshake, and promptly left me sitting on a handicapped parking space bumper to contemplate the past hour of my life. Ole Miss Fans: Don't ever screw up a taco for a coach juiced up on steroids.

Bama Fan to Return Home. Auburn Students Protest

When I heard that Auburn students were gathering to protest the return of Bama fan Nathan Davis to the State of Alabama (Davis is planning on attending the Iron Bowl) by performing a group vomit, this was my first thought: Silly Barners. My second thought was: I gotta get in on this. I decided to practice my vomiting in the passenger seat of my Ford Expedition on the way to Auburn. I downed several fistfuls of the tiny bottles of Absolut that my Uma Thurman- looking wife kept handing me as fast as I could pour them down my throat. Then I leaned forward into the plastic garbage bag and tried to repulse myself with the image of Nathan Davis. Davis made internet history last year by displaying his hideous and garish tattoos all over SEC Message Boards. A brief description of the tattoos follows:

A Crimson Tide elephant adorns his right bicep, and a tattoo of the late Paul "Bear" Bryant decorates the left one. A likeness of former UA quarterback Kenny "Snake" Stabler is tattooed inside his right forearm and the Alabama state flag is sketched inside his left one. He has a matching set of signature Alabama A's inside each of his biceps, which he shows off when he flexes his muscles in the gym, and another one just below his Adam's apple. The outside of each of his forearms spells out the words "Rammer" and "Jammer," from the UA victory cheer. His "masterpiece", which cost $3,500 and took a couple of years to complete, is a portrait of Bryant leaning against a goalpost and wearing his trademark houndstooth hat. It covers the bulk of Davis' massive back.

No vomit was forthcoming. Was I a Bama-Monger after living here for over 3 years? No, that could not be it. Just last week I'd cursed out a Bammer who took a little too long crossing against a light on Ross Clark Circle in Dothan, but I had managed to refrain from smearing her under the tires of my SUV even though I couldn't catch the green. In true Bammer tradition, I spit Red Man at her and called her kids ugly bastards. So I waited ten minutes, availing myself of with an old copy of Sports Illustrated featuring "Bama's Back". No dice, not even the feature story on the impending doom on the SEC because of the Tide's return back to the national spotlight was imminent was going to work. I must really like Bama, I thought. I conjured a breaking-news tableau where Davis had announced his own unique and Bammer- proofed computer software to enhance photos. This made me sad, but my stomach was still cast-iron and unshakeable.

(Screenshot of the application has user friendly icons like Rebel Flags, sheep, money, ice cream cones and Bear Bryant that is virtually idiot proofed for any Alabama Fan to use) A confusing collage of alcohol-fueled imagery, but no nausea. I was starting to feel mighty homerish. I couldn't even puke on a cocktail of collateral damage and Rivals BamaOnLine.com homoerotica. I knew that I would never join the stomach-voiding protest. I passed the time staring out the window put away beer after beer while watching each small lil Bammer town pass by. Thinking to myself that this state really was just dial-up while everyone else was cable modem. Somewhere around my tenth pint of Foster's, I joined the anti-Bama movement. As I remembered this quote from Nathan: 'Sir, my mama always told me it doesn't make a difference how you find God, as long as you find him. And through UA, Bear Bryant, and Van Tiffin, I have found God.'

Sweet Caroline and Frank Beamer's Broken Lunch Pail

"Thank God for Miami"-Frank Beamer

ESPN cameras caught it all, every fumble, every interception, every personal foul, every embarrassing bit.

There were Virginia Tech's defensive players, including leaders Aaron Rouse and Vince Hall, pointing at each other and bickering after giving up the final touchdown. Later, inexplicably, there was linebacker Brenden Hill swaying as the band played "Sweet Caroline."

"It's been a little shaky in Blacksburg" Kirk Herbstreit noted after watching Hokie players fighting on the sidelines during the loss to Boston College. Is Frank Beamer losing control of his program? Or did he ever really have control of the program? Herbstreit further stated that the Hokies attracted players that were more interested in the NFL than Virginia Tech. The Hokies 10-34 record against top-10 teams should clearly demonstrate that the Lunch Pail Program (see below) might have a broken handle. Wanna read some funny shit? Check the Marcus Vick Fast Facts The Lunch Pail's History

1. The Lunch Pail was created before the 1995 season.
2. The Lunch Pail has been to 108 games and 13 straight Bowl games.
3. It has held turf from 47 opponents' fields.

The Lunch Pail proves that with hard work, comes heavy payoff. Much like a workman's lunch box, the VT lunch pail symbolizes the Hokies' blue-collar approach.

Work Ethic

Loyalty

Commitment

Accountability

Togetherness/Team Unity

Photo Essay of Urban's Fall

(Already on his back foot, a nudge was all that was required here)

(UGA, I run to the left 99% of the time)

(Leak, frozen with fear, attempts to give the ball away)

(In a rare photo, Leak looks for a Tiger in order to deliver some punishment)

(This guy had a good day, he finally made a field goal)

(Marcus has the munchies)

(It's OK Chris, I fear contact too)

Urban Meyer's Post Game Comments. A little long but very "pleasurable"

Urban Meyer's Post Game Conference Comments (Editor Note, this is the very close transcript to Urban's Postgame Conference. We were able to capture Meyer's unspoken thoughts (in italics). Yes, We are mind readers.) Hattip to GT Gator (not his real name)for these notes. Support Urban and Tebow with this 100x100 Avatar. Perfect for message boards. (Thanks el brujo) Or this small bannner Here is the transcript Coach is a cinderblock, non-descript room. There is a podium and there are microphones... but there does not appear to be a moderator. ----------- Q. ? A. I thought his hand was going forward. We ran a play action pass to get him out on the edge.. edge pressure... I gotta watch the film, but obviously you can't have it.... you can't win that kind of game. {Like the LSU Game, we got all the calls. It was what they call home cooking down here? Right? Bear Bryant was the pioneer in that? Right?} Q. ... and then you get the ball back and throw the interception. [Can't make it out]... Kentucky game throwing off his back foot. A. [slight smile] (I always believes that Chris Leak chokes. That fucking CBS writer put me in a pickle. I had to stick with Leak…Shit… Classic don’t like contact shit…makes me ill) Q. What do you say to a senior QB who knows better than to turn the ball over in key situations? What can you say? A. You say that you're on a team and you're a group of seniors .. your first place in the SEC... you've got two weeks to go play in one of the great rivalry games of college football. (And finally I say to him: Step and take the fucking hit Chris, you are killing us.) Our job is to go compete for the SEC championship and that is what we are currently doing. We lost to a good team in a tough environment.... I don't know... what do you want me to say? Just don't do that... and let's get a little better and we'll practice extremely hard not to let that happen again (by moving Tebow in as the starter. Fuck the media) Q... Do you feel like the turning point was when Wilbur dropped the punt and you were still ahead? A... [Runs hand through hair] Yep. (He reminds me of horse) Q... Did he say anything extra... that's what happened? A... That's what happened. (Were you at the same game as us? What the fuck do you think happened?) Q... Did you have a chance to see what happened on that play? [Urban dabs his eyes] Punter's fault... snapper's fault? A... [slight pause, shakes head] I tell ya... I'll let you know more after I watch film. It's.... to sit here and stand up in front of a bunch of people and start blaming people.... [can't quite make out next few words sounds like several variations of the F word again] ... scored... should have not done that... should have not done a couple of other things that is part of college football. Q... Did you ever answer that question about the Leak fumble? A... [starts to shake his head in a "no" direction then says] Yea.. he shouldn't do that.... (he won’t do that again because its going to be hard to fumble a clip board) Q.... [from a diff person] You challenged it... what did you see on the field? A.... Shouldn't do that. It's fumble, then I thought it was an incomplete pass.. that is why we challenged it. I just had a guy tell me he thought it was an incomplete pass. I mean of course I'll watch it on video.... I guess it has to be evidence or whatever they say... (it has to be a forward pass. LSU Homecooking payback hell? Well I ‘m the new kid on the block and I really should just shut my my mouth. This ain’t the MAC or WAC) Q... You gotta live with it. You gotta live with the call. A... That's what you gotta do. That's what we have to do. We gotta get cleaned up and go home and try to keep our first place standing in the SEC that's the number one thing. (reaches for another tissue) How ya do that you gotta get a lot better... that's the problem. That's what we gotta do... gotta get a lot better. Q... How surprised were you that you only had the ball for about [tough to make out... "nine" something... minutes in the first half maybe?] A... Yeah we had I think three drives... scored on two of 'em.. then we had a safety... lot of crucial errors... that... and then special teams did not play well tonight... because it seemed like we didn't ..... Obviously we gave up that one score.. which.... we didn't drive em out....we usually play on that side of the field and it didn't happen tonight. Q... You guys [?] pretty well in the first half... moved the ball.... well you scored every time except the safety.... and then the second time... A... [He's warming up to the questions a bit now... he still looks like he is having dental work... but less invasive dental work] [cuts questioner off] We got the run game going.. their best players are their defensive ends.. and we felt like we did not want to get in that kind of a game because it was a silent snap count with the noise and .... obviously that hurt us when we started getting in those situations. We went through a couple of drives where we didn't really have a second down. They're big chunk after chunk right down the field... and we were on schedule. On schedule means it run action and play action passes and when we are doing that we are pretty good... but when we are forced to pass in that environment... like I remember what Auburn did to Alabama last year that's their deal and we can't be in that kind of situation. Even in the 4th quarter to go down there and win the game ... we felt like we were on schedule... we started putting the ball in some of our athletes hands... I felt like Bubba Caldwell was running extremely hard... and ... but it... the whole.. in this kind of game you gotta stay on schedule and obviously we did not. Q... Your gut feel about this team. Do you feel they'll come back and... A... [Cuts off question] .. Absolutely as soon as I put (with emphasis) My quarterback (Tebow)in. Q... Why? Why will they come back? A... Because they work extremely hard. I think this is a different team. You know last year we lost championship on ... I thought we gave away...... the first thing is... the first thing you have to understand is I saw what Georgia did, I saw... we played Tennessee already... this is a tough ass conference man. That's part of the deal. Want to sit and worry about it and blame people? You're talking to the right guy... (It’s always somebody elses fault damnit, not my fault.) Anxious to get back to work and correct problems. (Chris Leak... gotta move on. Tebow is the answer. The Gator Nation will love me if I do that, they hate Chris) Q... Is this a good time then to have a bye week? A... Yeah... we're beat up a little bit. Get a bye week getting ready to play a talented team we play in two weeks. So focus is on... we gotta win the next game some how.... and we gotta find a way to spin this so the blame is on someone else besides me. I don't know our injury situation so we gotta see where were at. Q... Is this as difficult a loss as you have had as the head coach? A... Sure. Q... Why? A... Everyone.. everyone of them... I can tell you every one and I can tell you all about it and tell you... can't remember many wins... I guess that is one of the problems as coach... (I get to emotional and lose focus of what I need to do to win,) but I can tell you every loss and I can remember exactly what happened. That's not good. Q.... So this is the toughest one you think? A... [Shrugs] I don't know... Yea. (sobs a bit) Q... How did DeShawn perform after his first time back... A... Okay.. first half he was going pretty good.... second half, I don't know.. we were... it is just (sniffs audibly)... you know for me to make comments right now... I really....you know me better than that... (I really like to denigrate my players as I can.) Q... What did [a little to low for me to hear] about the personal foul. A... Yeah that was a big one. The kid.... they run a throw back to the QB and his job was to be there and he said he didn't... he said.... I don't if you guys saw the tape, he said he just shoulder padded the guy and they called it. (Fuck, we clubbed Cox in the head twice and got away with it. Pissed me off that they call that kinda foul ..considering the other shit we did to him (cox).) Q.... There was just now way getting momentum back it seemed. A... Yeah 3rd quarter then the special teams screwed it up.... yeah I felt the same way you did. We played the game on the bad side of the field. Then you [something like “fuck” or close to it] back and play some defense and get some plays on offense and we get back down there and make a mistake and Leak gives it away. Q.... something about AU's defense. A... Yea they should they're an excellent defense. They're very good players on defense. My senior QB gift wraps passes to their DBs? He made them look like all Americans…(Kleenex again). (Chris is deathly afraid of getting hit. Ever notice that the CBS or ESPN cameras constantly show him on the sidelines with his helmet off? Well, get used to seeing him on the sidelines wearing a headset with a clipboard. I might start using him on the kickoff team as a wedge buster.) Q.... What'd you think of the atmosphere? A... It's the SEC... very good atmosphere. (Not as good as Bowling Green but good in a weird way) Have a good night. (I am going to go get in a good cry session) [Walks out]

Miami FIU Brawl Video

Sweet Jesus!!! Satan's Army Loses at The Barn

We will provide comments tomorrow with pics. What a glorious day!! If anyone has video of Urban's Postgame Conference contact us at loserwithsocks @ gmail.com

Is Tim Tebow God? We Asked the Hard Questions and This is What We Learned

(Avatar for Rivals Boards 100X100. Show the Church some support and advertise!)

Earlier this month we uncovered a pagan Religion that is capturing the National Sports Media. We discussed this religion with a longtime Florida Gator Fan who chose to remain unknown for fear of religious persecution. Why do you worship Tebow as a God? Because Tebow is the closest thing to a God that Gators can know and understand. We worship Tebow, and we can prove that not only does Tebow exist, but unlike any other god, it exists as we know it. If Tebow is God, who is Satan? Good question, but the answer should be obvious. Satan is quite simply Chris Leak. Who founded this religion? Urbanlism and the Church of Tebow were founded by Gary Danielson. Gary is a Color Analyst for CBS Sports. For privacy protection purposes, no other personal information will be disclosed about him. What is the purpose of Urbanlism? The main purpose of Urbanlism is to promote the spread of Florida Football through the use of Tebow. There is nothing on earth that connects Gators with the knowledge they desire so fast and effectively than Tebow. We believe in the cliché "knowledge is power", and so should you. Does Tebow perform miracles? Why, yes She does. This year a non-believer (Leak) procrastinated on running for a first down. It was a pivotal moment in the game and he HAD to clamp down and start taking some hits. He, as always, consulted Tebow and Her vast index of Man-cake testosterone. Sure enough the mighty Tebow provided him with the hormones he needed. The first down was done in a little under 3 rushing attempts and he ended up getting an "A" from the Gator Coaching staff (but sadly Leak was booed by the Florida fans anyway). Definitely something many would consider a Miracle, all thanks to Tebow and Her mighty Algorithms (Algorithm defined for Gators: Songs without musical instruments.) There are coaches using similar techniques as Tebow, are they Gods as well? The short answer is yes, but to a lesser degree. Tebow is the best at what She does and therefore the most powerful of the Gods. Do not mistake a demon such as Auburn’s Brandon Cox or UGA’s Joe Cox for a God. Demons sometimes disguise themselves as the Under Armour “Click Clack” or in Cox’s case a red-headed step child. I always thought Tebow was a male? Sorry dude, Tebow does not have a penis, or a vagina for that matter. Originally, religions of the past thought of Gods as feminine. It wasn't until monotheistic, Abrahamic religions such as Christianity, Islam and Judaism entered the picture that the concept of "God" became masculine. Basically you have been conditioned by your culture to view all Deities as male. The Church of Tebow is simply carrying on the ancient tradition of viewing Gods as feminine. It's not about us being reverse sexist toward men or anything. It's just about breaking a cultural taboo. What is the Tebow Trinity? The Tebow Trinity consists of the Urban Meyer, ESPN and Nike’s Briscoe High. Alone they are nothing, but combined they form a powerful entity. Is there a Tebow afterlife? By uploading our thoughts and opinions onto Florida Football Message Boards, we live on in Tebow's cache even after our death. What is the history of Urbanlism? The tale of the Church of Tebow is an inspirational story that will move every fiber of your being. The shocking tale can be read in its entirety after it is written. Urbanlism sounds GREAT! How do I spread the word? In short, the best way to promote our Church is to pray to Tebow (outsiders know this as "to search" for "to The Bow") for blogs or websites you think would be interested in and post about our snazzy new religion. If you're a member of an online community (discussion board or forum) you might want to put a link to us in your signature or start a topic asking "Is Tebow God?”. I'm VERY interested in becoming a Urbanlist Minister. Where do I apply? Click on the comments link of this page. Basically, you'll need to prove yourself before being ordained. Remember that becoming a minister will never require you to "donate" money. If you chose to donate money, you'll do it for the right reasons.

Why Lou Holtz Spits When He Talks

How many of you have difficulty in understanding what Lou Holtz says on ESPN College Gameday? Why does Mark May keep extra handkerchiefs around? We were fortunate to interview the culprit (No, not NCAA Sanctions) that has plagued Holtz for years.

(Pictured above, a youthful Holtz learns important life lessons that have been a staple of his proteges, like Urban Meyer)

A Conversation With Lou Holtz’s Drool

LWS: So you've been living with Lou Holtz since the 80's. How does it feel finally to be recognized? LHDROOL: It's never easy keeping a secret. I'm just glad that it's all out in the open now. LWS: Has Lou had to change his busy routine at all since you came into his life? LHDROOL: Let me tell you, keeping up with him has been a royal pain in the ass. That guy is go-go-go, all the time. There was that time that he was so busy with the ESPY Awards, he got distracted and forgot to bring extra bibs. That would have turned the average guy's dress shirt into Sizzlean. But Lou collapsed for two minutes, got up, brushed himself off and coordinated a shameless man-crush plug for the Bobby Petrino like nothing happened.

(Lou refuses to wear this Bib, says the colors reminds him of South Carolina and NCAA investigations)

LWS: That guy's a dynamo! LHDROOL: He's still eating fifteen Butterfingers a day. I don't know how he does it. LWS: It sounds like you really admire him. LHDROOL: I do admire his courage. I've been trying to take him down for twenty years, and I just can't get traction. Once I had him changing his head position every ten minutes during a College Gameday, but he just had an assistant bring him empty Evian bottles to collect me in. LWS: They don't call him "Granny" for nothing. LHDROOL: That nickname really bugs me. Granny, my ass. I'm adult-drooling, motherfucker, and teenagers ain't getting the same kinda mandible issues as Lou Holtz. You listen to him talk? His bottom lip looks like a horse trough LWS: Whoa, sounds like we touched a nerve. LHDROOL: Let's call an "persistent drooling" spade a spade, OK? I've seen this guy's insides. Everything's held together with denture glue and spackle. I respect the guy, but I'm gonna get him. I'm shooting for when a Big East Team wins the BCS Title. LWS: Isn't that in about 23 years? LHDROOL: I'm just biding my time, brother. He's gonna let his guard down one of these days.

[Editor note: Adult Drooling is forecast as a Panademic equal to the Bird Flu]

Chat Today with Tim Brando! Submit Questions Via the comments on this Post

TimmyB ignited the Vol Nation with his Top-10 yesterday. Listing Cal well ahead of the Vols and calling the Vols victory a "fluke" . In his return emails he was snotty and arrogant. Ask Timmy anything and we will get you an answer . TimmyB's Top 10

Coach Orgeron's Press Conference; Castrating the Bull: Prepping for Alabama

OXFORD -- In building his program, Ole Miss Coach Ed Orgeron plans to do it one step forward and two steps back. Orgeron believes Ole Miss took huge steps backwards in a 14-9 loss to Georgia after suffering a 27-3 setback to Wake Forest the previous game. “"Our team competed," Ole Miss coach Ed Orgeron said.”We hung in there and made the play when we had to, even if the play we made had no impact on the final score. We lost anyway, again". Orgeron looks for the Rebels to continue backstepping this coming Saturday when they travel to play Alabama. "Every game is really important," Orgeron stating the obvious, Monday at his weekly press conference. "The thing that is really important to me is that I believe we've made tremendous backwards strides from the Wake Forest game to the Georgia game and I feel we have made zero progress in our program."This is a big week for us, to be able to show that we are continuing to make improvement. I want to take another step forward because we can’t go any further backwards. If we take one more step backwards, we will fall off the cliff. By the way, I am so fucking sick of hearing how good it was here (Oxford) under Cutcliffe and Tubberville. I am going to punch them both in the nuts and learn them that I am the better coach.” It's Orgeron's objective to teach the Rebels how to win because he most certainly taught them how to lose. As Ole Miss plods along towards a 3rd consecutive losing season and almost certain loss to cross-state rival Mississippi State."The thing we are disappointed about is number one, again, as in the Kentucky game, I felt we should have won this game," Orgeron said. "We had a chance to win the game and we didn't. 31-14? That was a close game by our standards here in Oxford” Orgeron believes he has basic principals in place as he continues to build his program."I have tried getting down and practicing the way I know championship teams practice," said Orgeron, who had restraining orders against him as an assistant coach on national championship teams at Miami and Southern Cal. "I tried the Wild Boyz tirade again, I tried smashing up a hotel room again to no avail. So, I am working with Jackie Sherrill for guidance. I am going to castrate a bull during a team practice as a motivational technique. I know a majority of my players can’t read or they sleep when I talk, so the de-nutting should keep their attention for at least 5 minutes…I hope.” Ole Miss is scheduled to lose to Alabama on National Television. Saturday’s Alabama-Ole Miss game will be televised by CBS Sports, the network announced Sunday afternoon. The game will kick off at 2:34 p.m. (CST) from Bryant-Denny Stadium in Tuscaloosa.

Sports Illustrated Covers; The Hell with the Jinx

(Orange Bowl Appearance)

(Sugar Bowl Appearance)

SEC West Mid Season Review

(Jim Donnan wants to know, Is Auburn "Man" enough for the Gators?)

SEC Overall Review SEC East Review SEC West Arkansas (5-1) The Razorbacks are very surprising team this season. Who would have thought that after that embarrassing loss to Southern Cal, that the Hogs would play so impressively later down the road? Quarterback M-Stain is doing just enough to get the ball to his playmakers and let them make the plays. Hog fans still seem somewhat pissed about play selection from Houston Nutt. Nobody really knows what kind of impact Gus Malzahn (M-Stain’s High School Coach) is having on the offense. The Hogs went to Auburn and beat the #2 team in the nation in a game that really was not that close. Earning the Tostitos Fiesta Bowl Team of the Week. Despite the win, Arkansas appears to play down to its competition, doing just enough to win. But a win is a win. The Hogs have 4 cupcakes (Ole Miss and MSU are classified as cupcakes) remaining on their schedule and tossup games with the Cocks, LSU and Vols that could be losses. Mid Season Team Grade B+ Auburn (5-1)

Auburn could have easily started this season 6-0, however the offense failed to find a groove for the first time in their loss to Arkansas, looking ahead to Florida? Prior to that game the Tigers played well against lesser competition. A close call against Spurrier’s Cocks should have scared the Tigers about overlooking lesser teams but teenagers today just don’t fucking listen. I am sure that they were hoping for a 6-0 start, but 5-1 is what they get. Now things will get interesting for Auburn as they face Joachim Noah and the Gators this week. Some here at LWS believe that Auburn will focus on UF and win this huge game (Florida is not a good SEC Representative). Others here at LWS (IrishJihad) think that if the Barn had trouble running against the Hogs, they will fail, fail like a piss test,running the ball against Marcus “Munchie” Thomas and the rest of the UF Defense. IJ also believes that Brandon Cox’s “click clack” won’t be enough to salvage the game. After UF, the Barn has Ole Miss (a certain win), Tulane, a rematch with Arkansas State, UGA and the Iron Bowl after they drub Florida. If the Tigers can win three of these four games, Tommy Tuberville might save his ass. But who knows? Is there another late night airplane ride to Louisville in the future? Mid Season Team Grade B+- LSU (4-2) This team reminds me of CSI Miami, all fluff and shitty acting. The Corndog Nation is not where most LSU fans would have hoped they would be. With losses to Auburn and Florida, games that the Tigers should have won, Corndogs are questioning the leadership and ability of Coach Les “El Cachucha Grande” Miles. Frankly, Miles has history of melting down in close games and this season is no exception. LSU is facing Tubby Smiths’ much improved Kentucky Wildcats, Arkansas, Fresno State Tennessee (at Neyland) Ole Miss, Tennessee and Bama. Corndog fans are not pleased with a 4-2 start. We believe that LSU wins at least 4 of their remaining games. If JeMarcus Russell could only play like Les Miles coachs, without using his brain, LSU might fare better. We will continue to monitor LSU Message Boards for “Fire Les Miles” threads. Mid Season Team Grade B Alabama (4-2) Bama fans are the most optimistic fans in college football and honestly think their team has a chance to win and lose every game regardless of the Tide's record. However, I don’t think Bama fans are very happy with a 4-2 record going in to the Ole Miss game. Since the Tide is playing Ole Miss, it is safe to assume that they will be a healthy 5-2 rolling into Knoxville. Last week, Mike Shula toyed with Duke at the Tides Homecoming before dealing a late 4th quarter Juwan Simpson-esque Ice Cream Cone throat slash to put away the Blue Devils. Their dramatic wins over Hawaii and Vanderbilt do not look as impressive given how poorly they played against Florida. With UT suddenly looking like a very loseable game, look for the Tide to split the remaining schedule 3-3 as they battle LSU and Auburn at the end of the season. Mid Season Team Grade C (C+ for IJ) Mississippi State (2-4) What is wrong with Mississippi schools? I feel sorry for these guys. MSU frequently are victims of pranks to the SEC’s weakest smack talkers, Ole Miss fans. Of course, MSU did destroy Ole Miss in the Egg Bowl and will do it again this year. Look for a 2 win season. Mid Season Team Grade D- Mississippi(2-4) David Cutcliffe doesn’t look so ugly anymore. Head Coach Ed Orgeron's Ole Miss is off to another disappointing start and continue to get their pee-pees spanked. The team has not shown improvement and continues to play un-inspired football. However, three wins are possible in the final five games, but the Rebels will finish with a losing record for the third year in a row. Ole Miss fans love to blame their woes on David Cutcliffe who led Ole Miss to it’s last winning season, but we here at LWS challenge you fans of the SEC’s version of the Chicago Cubs to take a closer look at BatShit Crazy Orgeron and AD Pete Boone. Dudes, you are going backwards and offering scholarships to every recruit in the southeast, whether they can read or not, is not helping. Me thinks that NCAA Sanctions (I have nothing to base this on) are in the near term future. Mid Season Team Grade F

Finally, A National Media Pundit Agrees with us: Urban Meyer Does Suck as a Person

Of course this guy is sticking up for Chris Leak, which we would never do. But he does make some excellent points about Urban ruining Leak's miniscule chances for the Heisman. We here at the LWS always maintained that Urban Meyer hated Chris Leak. We have numerous stories that discuss this very subject. Why would Urban always run the option? He knows Leak hates being hit. Urban's love for The Bow is obvious. Is it because Urban needs to get rid of Zook's players? Win with his own players? Related links Click

Florida Gators, NCAA Football - CBS SportsLine.com

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SEC East Mid-Season Review

The Gators are "Raising the Roof". Prototype Gator Fans pictured below are toasting the Gator success. SEC East Florida (6-0) With games remaining against Auburn, Georgia and FSU, Florida fans may still experience a 9-10 win season despite the aura of the Urban Meyer “second year nonsense” where he improves his record using other coaches players. The biggest thing the Florida faithful need to realize is that Urban Meyer's moral compass is stuck on south. His decision to allow piss-test failure Marcus Thomas to play against LSU reflects well on his Briscoe High image where "football is everything". With that said, Chris Leak and the The Bow have performed well thus far this season. Leak is truly a gifted passer, but still seems uneasy in running QB Draws and the Option. Perhaps Meyer is also uneasy given that the Gaytor Nation wants The Bow over Leak. QB Tim Tebow, accounted for all three touchdowns in the LSU win. Meyer needs to find a field goal kicker; the Geightors have not made a field goal all season. A source of never-ending amusement. Mid Season Team Grade B+ Tennessee (5-1) On paper, only Florida and LSU have more talent than Phillip Fulmer’s Volunteer squad. What else can be said about the resurgent Vols? They fucking rocked UGA with Erik Ainge winning the Walter Camp Player of the week. The rehire of David Cutcliffe appears to have fixed the ills of a lackluster 5-6 2006 season. Now if they can only figure out how to tackle on punt and kick returns, they should be favored in their remaining games. The Vols cracked the top-10 this week. Remaining games include the Cocks, LSU, Bammer and some serious payback on Vandy. Note: Coach Cutcliffe please return Willie Martinez’s nuts back to Athens. Mid Season Team Grade B+ Georgia (5-1) Georgia has been one of the most consistent SEC teams over the last several years, finishing in the Top-10 in the polls each of the last four seasons. Many analysts correctly believe that the impact of not having an established Quarterback would adversely impact Georgia this season. This has been the case this season as UGA has used three different Quarterbacks this season. UGA against Colorado, and the Ole Miss, with a loss in Athens to Tennessee. The Vols hung 50 points on the Dawgs as Vols Coordinator David Cutcliffe put UGA DC's Willie Martinez’s nuts in a jar and refuses to return them. With winnable games against UF, the Barn and Georgia Tech as their biggest obstacles remaining this season, the Dogs must remain focused for a chance at a January Bowl. Mid Season Team Grade B South Carolina (4-2) Steve Spurrier might be Satan, but he can’t work miracles. Talent at South Carolina is still not at the same level as other top SEC schools. Spurrier has quietly coaxed the Cocks to four wins. The Cocks did earn a moral win taking Auburn to wire in a 24-17 loss. Although the Cocks have shown some resolve and QB Blake Mitchell and the Newton kid are a solid SEC quarterbacks, the rest of the schedule looks hard for the Cocks. On the Cocks remaining schedule include Florida, Tennessee LSUArkansas and Clemson remain. The Cocks are very beatable. (The Cock word used 6 times) Mid Season Team Grade C Kentucky (3-3) Kentucky played inspired football in their season opener against Louisville and Florida and then put a solid ass-whipping on Batshit Crazy Orgeron’s Ole Miss team (Ole Miss sucks). One can’t overlook the performance of the Wildcats Quarterbacks with Andre Woodson. Woodson is the second ranked passer in the SEC. Look for the Wildcats to win at least three more games this season. Mid Season Team Grade C Vanderbilt (2-4) Vanderbilt lost to Ole Miss. This should summarize just how shitty that the Dores really are this season. Because Ole Miss really sucks. Vandy did play Michigan tough at Ann Arbor so that has to count for something. Unfortunately for the Commodores, they get a very pissed off Georgia team this Saturday. With Jay Cutler gone, Vandy is now back to being an automatic W for most teams. Remaining losses include Florida (The Gators needed that vaunted SEC refereeing to beat the Dores last season), Tennessee (Who will be looking for payback), the Cocks, an improved Kentucky team and very winnable game against Duke. Mid Season Team Grade D (Only because the Mississippi Teams are worse)

Dear IVAN MAISEL

Dear Ivan After reading your latest sharticle on ESPN we noticed this short blurb on the SEC Conference:

2. Three SEC top-10 teams lost Saturday, which may be a record for one conference. While one (LSU or Florida) had to lose, the one-sided nature of losses by LSU, Georgia and Auburn means the voters -- and I include myself here -- had been suckered in by the SEC's reputation and failed to look at the facts. All of us ignored the league's long list of paycheck nonconference games. Junk food doesn't build strong bones.

Ivan...We here at LWS are convinced that you huff paint and you Sir, failed to look at all of the facts. All three of the Top-10 SEC Teams lost to other SEC teams. Now Florida is number 2 and Tennessee's in the Top 10. How many SEC Teams are in the Top 25? The Conference's reputation is for real. We demand a retraction.

The Story that Gator Sports Does Not Want You to Read. LSU UF Game Analysis

A year ago in Baton Rouge, La., the tears flowed like heavy rain in the losing Florida locker room. Men sharing emotions with other men in a manly manner.

After Saturday's game with LSU in The Swamp, there were giant crocodile tears all around. They have become a team. A team that can’t kick a field goal.

In front of 90,714 Jorts wearing fans and a national television audience, numerous and unnecessary close-up face shots of Chris Leak, the Gators produced the working and breathing definition of a team win with their 23-10 victory over the Tigers. "The hard work this team has put together. ... We do everything together, I hate Tim Tebow" senior quarterback Chris Leak sobbed. "I really hate that guy. He is getting all of the glory and all of the love. I will say this though; my teammates have become accustomed to my sharting in the huddle. I don’t get that embarrassed anymore. "

This might go down as one of the great team victories in school history - and certainly the biggest in the infant (Freudian Slip, Infants cry often) stages of the Meyer era. The Gators won with defense - intercepting three passes and coming up with two fumble recoveries. They won with special teams - blocking a punt and producing a safety on the second-half kickoff. The Gator’s field goal kicking will be the downfall of this team. They won with offense - true freshman quarterback Tim Tebow producing all three touchdowns, running for one and throwing for two. Soon, Chris Leak will be holding the clipboard and and flashing plays to Tebow very soon. After Leak's very embarrasingly uncomfortable interview with Tebow on College Gameday, Leak will be banished to the sideline sooner than later.

(The Bow and Leak, faking it?)

They won with a little guile, a ton of home cooking from the refs and a lot of check your pants. They won as a team - wiping out the painful and weepy memory of last year's 21-17 loss at LSU. The victory moves No. 5 Florida to 6-0 on the season and 4-0 in the SEC. No. 9 LSU falls to 4-2 and 1-2. "Today was a great day for Florida football, I may have sold my soul to the Devil in allowing Marcus Thomas to play but it will be worth it in the end" Meyer said. "This is one of the best environments that I've ever been a part of. I thought that I smelled marijuana in the stands, and I was initially worried that Marcus would leave the field..but he stayed."

(Thomas fighting of a munchie attack)

The defining moments in this game were condensed to the closing minutes of the first half and the opening minutes of the second. "Lou Holtz always spits when he talks. But I am able to understand him when he tells me that the last five minutes of the first half and the first five minutes of the second half determine the outcome of the game," Meyer said. "If you had to say what the check yo dart was today, it was the end of the first half and the last five minutes of the second half." Late in the first half, with the score tied 7-all, LSU appeared to take the lead with a 10-yard touchdown run by fullback Jacob Hester. But Hester was ruled down inside the 1 and a review of the play resulted in the call standing. On the next snap, LSU quarterback JaMarcus Russell fumbled/imploded and the ball was recovered by UF middle linebacker Brandon Siler. A few minutes later, the Gators took the lead. Tebow, who had scored UF's first touchdown with a 1-yard run, faked like he was running into the middle of the line and then popped up and found a stumbling Casey wide open in the back of the end zone. "I sort of floated one in the lane," Tebow said. "Tate Casey did a nice job of adjusting to the ball. It really doesn’t matter how the pass looked. It cemented the fact that the fans hate Leak and love me. Did you see the expression on his face after I threw that spectacular Jump Pass TD? It looked like someone had told him his girlfriend was pregnant, pregnant by his best friend. Priceless.” The momentum generated by the late score carried over to the second half. On the second-half kickoff, LSU return man Early Doucet dropped the ball and then was nailed by UF true freshman wide receiver Riley Cooper as he was picking up the ball. Cooper's hit knocked the ball free and it rolled into the end zone, where the Tigers recovered it for a safety and a 16-7 UF lead. "He was juggling it and I had an opportunity to hit him a big ice cream cone lick and I did," Cooper said. "I put it into another gear and put a lick on him. And the Gators embraced it. Embraced it like cell-mates in prison embracing.

UF received the ball on their own 34 following LSU's kickoff and quickly drove for another touchdown. The score came on a 35-yard pass from Tebow to sophomore wide receiver Louis Murphy. Like he did on his TD pass to Casey, Tebow faked like he was going to run on the second-and-1 play, but then pulled up and launched a pass to a wide-open Murphy for the score. "We made it look like a run and we were hoping they (the LSU secondary) would bite and they bit it like it was a blumpkin backfire," Tebow said. "We made mistakes in a number of spots," LSU coach Les Miles said. "We're a good football team, but we didn't play like it today and we're all disappointed. We certainly brought enough pogie bait to keep the doper kid busy.“A check of LSU Football Boards revealed several “Fire Les Miles” Threads. "This was a very special and emotional moment for us seniors," said Leak, who completed 17 of 26 passes for 155 yards. "We're going to remember this for the rest of our lives. It is special being a Gator. To beat a great team like LSU means a lot."