Sunday, October 01, 2006

Guns, Mota and the Godless Spread of Fundamentalist Urbanlism

When you smell sulfur, you know Urban is around. Friends, have you ever sat yourself down on the toilet to do nature’s necessity and been overwhelmed by the smell of rotten eggs? It is sulfur. A clear sign that Urban's demons are living in your bottom. You need to get yourself down to a the ground like Chris Leak does, pronto, and get yourself a Jesus enema!

Baton Rouge - As the weekly football polls are coming in, it is obvious that Florida Gators candidates have won a majority of the seats on the town’s school board.

“Well, it’s scaring me,” says concerned parent Evelyn Gaylord, “I’m sick and tired of those Fundamentalist Urbanites and their Agenda (Click to read about Guns and Mota).” Mrs. Gaylord’s sentiments seem not to be shared by many of the voters in today’s polls.

It appears that the firebrand Urbanalist rhetoric hit its mark among the pollsters. A good example of such rhetoric is from a statement issued by Bob “Blumpkin” Tebow, “Thanks to our Fundamentalist Urban activists, there are already Urban clubs in secondary schools. Next on our Agenda is SEC Championship. It’s obvious that our next target is: A BCS Bowl Berth. The Urbanalists are recruiting in schools and that is not going to stop!”

(This youngster fell under Urban's spell. He now runs to his left 99% of the time. Sources say that he now "dresses" to the left)

“My son found out the other day that his geography teacher is, is.. one of them. I cannot stand for this,” says concerned parent Evelyn Gaylord. Gaylord cites the presence of openly Urbanalist Florida Fans as a sign of the declining focus on morality in public schools. “The curriculum in the schools nowadays actually teaches that their lifestyle is OK. If somebody doesn’t do something about this soon I’m going to send my kids to a Montessori school.”

“Its part of a grand vision for them, a Fundamentalist Gator Agenda,” says Dr. John van Dyke, founder of Fixation on Urban’s Unit, “They are conspiring with the pro-ESPN and Briscoe High crowd and corrupt CEO’s (Nike and Depends Adult Diapers) to create an America devoid of morality. I’m afraid it may get worse before it gets better. With the activist sports media shamelessly promoting Urbanlism, we may see more rules being circumvented to benefit these Soulless Bastards. This is the reason our organization was founded. We want to be a source of hope in these troubling times. We will publicly endorse candidates like Les Miles who are courageous enough to stand up to the Fundamentalist Agenda.”

(Miles, pictured above, fights off an Urban-induced sharting voodoo curse)

If the new school board members live up to their promises, the future of Baton Rouge’s schools is clear. Is this the beginning of a nation-wide, grassroots movement to combat the Fundamentalist Urbanites? Only time will tell.

(Urban Meyer cruelly uses these animals to spread his word)


Anonymous said...

Hi kids. This is what we call "envy."

I'm still waiting for a funny blog out of you.

LWS said...

Fuck Chu. Some people really do not have a soul. I believe you are one of those humorless fucks that I see daily.

Anonymous said...

This is hilarious. Definitely not in the way you intended, but hilarious none the less.

gatorr4life said...

You guys rock