Kicking it with The Chief, Prep for Cal

As part of our 2006 preview, I met up with the man known as the “The Chief”, a prominent Tennessee Volunteers Defensive Coach. In response to the total Vol news overload*, I curled up Wednesday night in the nice, safe dog basket of the back room of impossibly exclusive Knoxville Tennessee watering hole The Emerald Club to review the Practice Notes and Nuggets from Volquest. The Chief and I sipped Long Island Ice Teas out of wine flutes designed to look like stripper shoes as we kicked around the weekly Phil Steele scorecard. The purpose of the interview is to discuss his strategy for the upcoming game against the California Golden Bears. JOE: Thanks for meeting me here Chief. You don’t mind if I call you Chief? The Chief: No problem Joe. Sometimes I gotta get away from Trooper Taylor and his crazy chest bumping shit JOE: I wasn't even aware of Trooper’s shit was crazy. Does it make you batshit crazy? The Chief: That's really shameful considering that you consider yourself some sort of half-man, half-Vol-culture god. JOE: You always say that people are half-man and half-something when you're drunk. The Chief: Touché, Douche JOE: Everyone says that Linebacker Ryan Karl is doing a Keith Richards impression this season. I prefer to think he's doing a Jack “Hacksaw” Reynolds impression. The Chief: I don't drink that much. [I bust out laughing.] The Chief: No, really. [The Chief busts out laughing.] JOE: You're so fucking drunk, Chief. JOE: I couldn't help but notice that your defense isn’t in the top 3. The Chief: I noticed that, too. JOE: But you're motherfucking drunken Chief, Mustang! The Chief: Tell me about it. JOE: Speaking of Mustang, are you planning on using your famous “Mustang” package against Cal? Chief Tikki Tavi. The Chief: Don't worry, it's coming. JOE: I also couldn't help but notice that you are having flirting with that cocktail waitress right in front of me. The Chief: See, when you say things like that, people are going to think that I'm drunk and hitting on a cocktail waitress right in front of you when that's clearly not the case. JOE: Excuse me, coat check girl. The Chief: Accuracy is important. Have you learned nothing from Trev Alberts? JOE: Back to the Mustang package. The Chief: On the field we call it "MUS-TAAANG." JOE: Can I just say something? Clowns are fucking funny. The Chief: They really fucking are. JOE: Fifth place or whatever. Last season sucked bad. Vanderbilt? What the fuck is up with that? The Chief: We had one of the lowest YPG average. JOE: Do you think Mexicans understand YPG average? Let's ask the coat check girl, I think she said she was from Missouri. The Chief: Don't be crazy, she will bring Mark-fucking May who will bring Lou Holtz along. I hate that guy. He spits when he talks. Like a damn Labrador Retriever that just drank a bowl full of water. Geez he is nasty old bastard. JOE: Dude, I was trying to throw some props your way. The Chief: Jesus Christ, I'm fucking drunk. JOE: At least I didn't slip in a Horse-related bestiality joke here. The Chief: Thanks for that. You're quality people, man. I gotta go get my coat. [He hugs me and falls asleep in my lap.] --------- [*It was either hang with The Chief or play keno and smoke crack with fellow Blogger The Grill Viper.] (Again for you fellow Vol Homers, This is FICTION) powered by performancing firefox powered by performancing firefox

A new toy from EDSBS

You dumbasses are on notice

Damn You Chris Low, Damn you to hell

Chris continues to punish the Sheep Pen. He posts an excellent article on Tennessee Running Back Arian Foster. Low eats his Wheaties.

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Volquest scooped again

Chris Low continues to kick the ass of VQ reporters. Here he reports an antimated discussion between Head Coach Phil Fulmer and AD Mike Hamilton. How does he do it? Why does he do it? Why do I find it funny? Here is what Hugo Chavez thinks:

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Phil Paramore's SEC West Preview

At least Dothan Alabama columnist Phil "Bama Homer" Paramore got one thing right in his latest attempt to write about SEC Football:

As the howling laughter over my picks for the SEC East earlier this week continues, it's time to add a little material for the birdcage with the selections on the West. Again, I do this only at the point of a bayonet.

The rest of the article is here

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Who is out to get us?

An observation. The sheep are restless. Milling about in their pens. They believe that there is a deep dark and evil conspiracy against the Vols. Lets run through all of the villians:

1. ESPN: Peyton's failure to win the Heisman and metrosexual Chris Fowler's trailer-trash remark :

   Fowler gloated about how he voted for Woodson over Manning and laughed about how it created a "trailer park frenzy" in Tennessee when Manning was robbed.

2. NCAA (all of the clearinghouse issues i.e. Gerald Williams, Cody Pope and Stephaun Raines)
3. Local News (see Packer, Chris Low scooping Brent Hubbs on a regular basis)
4. National media (see the Fulmer Cup from EDSBS)

Frankly, it is embarrassing to watch grown men act like toddlers.

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Talking Chalk with Coach Cutt

As part of our 2006 preview, I'll be sitting down and chatting with David Cutcliffe, Offensive Coordinator for the University of Tennessee. Coach Cutcliffe returns to Knoxville after taking a year off after coaching at the University of Mississippi. The interview takes place in a small bistro off of the famous Knoxville Strip. This interview is a dream come true for me.

JOE: I am here cutting it up something fierce with Coach David Cutcliffe, the guy who says he's the master of University of Tennessee Volunteer Offense, though didn't bring any proof to the effect. Coach, thanks for making time in your busy schedule to meet with us. CDC: No problem, and please, call me Coach. Don’t be getting weird with me like you did my quarterbacks(Ainge and Crompton archives). Phillip said I had to do this interview, so watch the romper room shit.

JOE: O…kay… Coach, if you could go back in time and slap just one person, who would it be? CDC: Wow, there are so many quality former players and coaches to choose from but I'd have to go with Randy Sanders. He took a healthy offense to the verge-of-extinction like a Pterodactyl, you know like when it's all weak and couldn't beak me to death. That would be a really cool slap.

JOE: If you could fall out of any building, which one would it be? CDC: Fall out of a building? That's odd, okay, um… Moe's Tavern in Smut-Eye Alabama, that's a nice short one. Besides, if I did odds are I'd be all blotto and not even know it.

JOE:Along those lines, if you were a cartoon character on Scooby-Doo, which one would you be? Not successful enough to be Freddy or Daphne, not pious enough to be Velma. I've rebounded too well to be Shaggie. I'm pretty infamous but I think I've got just enough subtle spirit and toxic radiation poisoning to be Scooby.

JOE: What's the smallest thing you've ever stolen? CDC: Stolen, sheesh man, trying to get me busted here? It wasn't exactly stealing but I once borrowed all of the “O’s” off of all of the Ole Miss Athletic Department computer keyboards. I got fired after resurrecting that crappy program. Yeah, to hell with them, I got the last laugh, me and my Os, didn't I? They hired that Roid freak Coach O whatever the hell his name is…

JOE: Ainge or Crompton? CDC: Depends what time the game started. Crompton is alright for going through to sunset, but for going out dancing that Ainge is best be the rising sun. For photos and art I don't much care which, they look the same to me.

JOE:In a perfect world, what time would your Kick-off start? CDC: In my ideal world there would be a daylight savings-style one hour time shift about twice a week. This week I'd love to get up each day around ten, but next week should be eleven or noon, and probably within about six months I think I could get back around full circle jerkle to getting up at ten AM again. It sounds like madness even to me, but at least it's my own sort of madness.

JOE:When was the last time you were stranded somewhere and for how long? CDC: It was terrible. I went to Neyland Stadium about three months ago. Came back out to the car to go home and it wouldn't start. I didn't have my phone on me and I was stuck. I waited four hours sitting in that stupid car drinking all the beer I'd just bought before I finally gave up. It wouldn't start anyhow so I got out and walked all the way home. Must have taken me about twelve minutes.

JOE: What College Coach has had the greatest influence on you? CDC: I'd have to go with Lee Corso. He has taken his failure as football coach and twisted it into fame and fortune. ESPN keeps him in a cage in South Bend. Only lets him out with that metrosexual Chris Fowler. Do you remember when they replaced Craig James with Herbie? Those were great days, Trev Alberts spewing venom, the stuff that would burn your eyes kinda like staring into the sun to long…

JOE:If you could take just one thing with you to be stuck on a deserted island, what would it be? CDC:Assuming I can be rescued it would be a satellite phone, because, you know, kinda want to get off the island at some point, right? If I'm to assume that rescue isn't an option, gosh it's a toss up between Heath Shuler and Peyton Manning, though my knee-jerk reaction is to say Peyton. Why, do you think you could hook that up?

JOE:What do you think of these interview questions? CDC:Well, at least you didn’t make a move on me like you did with Coach Majors. I was a little nervous about that. I think they're hard, but I think if they weren't there wouldn't be any fun in answering them. Honestly I hate interviews because it feels like a challenge of who's dumber and more trite. Like "Hey, let me ask you the most predictable question ever so you can give me the most rehearsed and predictable answer ever, how delightful!" These take a bit more work and I dig 'em like those new pop tarts, Go Tarts.

Boxers or briefs? CDC: Oh I'm all commando today. Normally it's boxers but asking me to show up somewhere and have underwear on at the same time frankly asking a bit too much, don't you think?

Joe: Thanks for your time Coach, good luck with Cal

CDC: Blow me you twerp

Interviews

Again, you fucking serious Volquest homers, the interviews are FICTION. That means that I make them up. Please stop emailing me and telling me I am not a Vol Fan or I am"disrespecting" the program. You knuckleheads need to relax and remember you are actually NOT playing on the team this Saturday. Worry about executing the wave and if goes Clockwise or Counter-clockwise North of the Equator. You people are really weird, sad and a sick kinda of freaky scary.

John Majors today

It was somewhat surreal to be interviewing a Tennessee Volunteer Football Legend , Heisman Trophy Runner-up, It is a beautiful morning, the crisp air proving to be quite refreshing. The voice of Speed Racer himself has agreed to sit down for brunch with me, John Majors.

There is a certain excitement lighting Coach Major's eyes as he seats himself and I can't help but wonder if this notorious Lynchberg Prankster has something in store for me. Of course, I order a Spanish omelette. Coach Majors decides to satiate himself with a bagel, strawberry cream cheese, and a short coffee. While he is slathering his bagel down, he gestures with his plastic knife for me to start.

JOE: Your credentials are staggering, Coach Majors. I must admit that I'm having trouble with where to begin. As I'm a big fan of the 1950’s teams, I suppose I'd like to ask about the conditions playing for General Neyland. What was that like?

CM: Well, the General really liked to kick ass. He was a pretty intense coach. I remember many of the plays he required us to perform only once, as there could only be one shot, so both he would threaten the rest of the team if we were to screw up. We all took it off the chin though. If you could shut the man up, he was a pretty decent guy. JOE: Intriguing. How long did that neck tattoo take to paint on? It was quite realistic. CM: What the fuck are you talking about? I don’t have a tattoo. Don’t be making fun of my old turkey neck skin you pompous ass.

At this point, Coach Majors was grinning like a naughty school boy but some errant cream cheese had found its way to his chin. As I reached forth to gesture at it, Coach Majors flinched away violently and swiped at my proposed index finger with his plastic fork.

CM: What the hell! Are you gay? JOE: Um. No. I was trying to direct your attention to the cream cheese you got on your chin. Coach Majors glared at me dubiously before dabbing at his chin with a napkin. After inspecting it closely, he slowly nodded.

CM: Ok. Good. You sure you ain't gay? JOE: Quite sure. Even though you are a very attractive man, I have no interest in pursuing a relationship with you. CM: What the fuck. You saying you wanna pop my keester? JOE: No. No, I'm saying I don't find you attractive even though you probably are. CM: Quit saying I'm attractive. I'm losing my appetite. With a disgruntled hunch to his shoulders, he began to eat again while avoiding eye contact. After an awkward stretch of perhaps two minutes, I quietly continued.

JOE: So, the 1985 Sugar Bowl team. I hear the team has agreed to have a reunion.

CM: They ain't gay either. So don't ask me for their numbers, Nancy Boy. JOE: Wha..what? No. I'm not implying-- CM: Listen. I'm not totally stupid. I read. I know all you little rat fuck bastard journalists love to make us College Football Heroes look gay in your interviews. That shit may sell to some fat bastard from Volquest, but it ain't flying with me. Nor do I appreciate you sharks constantly swimming around outside my house trying to get a picture of me you can photoshop into looking like I'm sucking off my driver, Jorge. Got it? JOE: I'm...truly sorry if you felt I was in some way trying to suggest you were something you aren't, Coach Majors. CM: Have you ever been kicked in the balls? I have. All your types do when you present lies to the public is basically the same. A swift kick to the nads. Do you like getting kicked in the balls? Maybe I should just boot you in the junk right now so you know how it feels? Hmm? Stand up, boy. JOE: What? No. I'm not-- CM: Stand up you pussy! If you want to kick me in the balls, I should have the right to do the same. Are you afraid? JOE: Well, yes. I'm not trying to kick you in the balls Coach Majors-- CM: Well you are! Every fucking time I sit down to enjoy a light brunch with someone who wants to interview me, I might as well drop my pants and present my nuts so you can get a good running shot. JOE: Coach Majors, there is some sort of misunderstanding. I don't want...wait. Now you want me to kick you in the balls? CM: No! NO! FOR CHRIST SAKE...WHY WOULD I WANT YOU TO KICK MY BALLS? Thats the whole point, you pansy. Getting kicked in the nards ISN'T good! Capiche!? The tendons in Coach Majors's neck were standing out quite rigidly at this point, a stark contrast of white and red flaring up and down his temples which suggested that he was extremely angry. I tried to pacify him with soothing hand gestures and inflection, but this seemed to enrage him more. He stepped around the table and grabbed my hair close to the scalp before wrenching my head back so that his volcanic stare might drip down right into my face. Between clenched teeth he continued, inching his face closer and closer to mine. CM: What you journalistic fucks need to understand is that I'm not going to put up with your bullshit anymore. About an inch from my nose to his, he suddenly gave me the gap-tooth smile and let go. CM: Gotcha! I was trembling at this point and had already puked into my own mouth and swallowed. Coach Majors then staggered back, laughing hysterically as I glanced down at the spreading stain of urine dashing against the inside of my pants.

CM: You should have seen your face! You were totally like 'Oh my god! He's gonna kill me!'. Did you just piss yourself!? This is better than the time I made Phil Fulmer faint and crack his head against a kicking tee! I managed a weak smile despite the overwhelming urge to vomit again. CM: Ooooooh shit. Good times. Ok, well, thanks but I gotta jet. Need to hit the can. Hit up the gym. This bagel is going to go straight to my thighs. Ciao. I couldn't help but notice there was a subtle sway to his hips as he sauntered off.

The Wizard of Odds linked us this morning

Thanks Wiz, I think that people like our product. We are one week old today. The hit counter went bonkers after Deadspin linked the Erik Ainge Interview. I will be finishing up an that I had last night with one of Tennessee's greatest legends. It promises to be a fucking barnburner. Oh, anyone have any blogger add ons that will organize our stories and links and generally make this blog easier to navigate. If you like what you read please pass it along email me at joeshittheragman@gmail Here are the interviews thus far

1. Crompton Speaks
2. Frogger
3. Chu McCracken's Weird Uncle
4. Second String Sheep

LWS Welcomes VolFan4620531979 to the Blog Team

VolFan4620531979 a legendary Vols pundit joins the team. We look forward to his commentary. VolFan4620531979 below, celebrates LWS making deadspin

FWIW, I fucking hate ESPN and Louisville.

This years TCU:

Big East looks to Louisville, WVU for gridiron cred

By Mark Schlabach ESPN.com Archive

It was only 60 minutes. Well, 15 minutes, 50 seconds, to be exact.

But West Virginia's four-touchdown barrage against SEC champion Georgia in last season's Sugar Bowl in the Georgia Dome, in which the underdog Mountaineers jumped out to a 28-0 lead in their thrilling 38-35 victory, might have meant more to the Big East than what any team accomplished in the conference's first 15 years. Bigger than Miami winning two national championships during its 13 seasons in the conference, and more important than Michael Vick leading Virginia Tech to the national title game in 1999.

AP Photo

WVU's Rich Rodriguez is one of the top coaches in the Big East.

On the night following New Year's Day, West Virginia saved the Big East, and the conference might still be on life support without that monumental victory, commissioner Mike Tranghese said more than seven months later. The Mountaineers' victory proved the Big East could still play with college football's big boys, even without Boston College, Miami and Virginia Tech, the trio of teams that were pirated away by the ACC.

"That's what winning a football game does," Tranghese said, during an interview last month at the Big East's preseason news conference. "I just think when West Virginia beat Georgia last year it quieted everybody down. I think people thought if you could go into Atlanta and beat the SEC champion, you obviously were a pretty good football team from a pretty good football league."

Indeed, the Big East is trying to get more mileage from West Virginia's victory in the Sugar Bowl than what a cross-country trucker gets on fresh tires. The Mountaineers beat a good Georgia football team that had just whipped LSU 34-14 in the SEC championship game in the same building a month earlier. The Bulldogs were playing in front of a home crowd, after the Sugar Bowl was moved to Atlanta because of the destruction in New Orleans caused by Hurricane Katrina.

Despite its surroundings, West Virginia bowed its neck and stunned Georgia with an early onslaught. The Bulldogs nearly rallied to beat the Mountaineers, pulling to within a field goal with 5:13 left. But Georgia never got the football back in the final five minutes, after West Virginia gained four first downs, the last one on a gutsy fake punt on fourth-and-6.

The Mountaineers, with their musket fire and cheers of "I told you so," loudly celebrated a surprising victory in their first Bowl Championship Series game. And, for one night at least, the Big East wasn't the Big Least anymore.

"We operated in a very difficult environment last year because there were so many negatives every where we went," Tranghese said. "I think all of it changed because of that one ball game."

West Virginia, along with Louisville, carried the Big East's football hopes on their backs last season, and those two teams will undoubtedly do so again this year. It will take the Big East several seasons to recover from losing perennial powerhouses Miami and Virginia Tech, in addition to a solid Boston College program that has won six consecutive bowl games. (Those three teams, it should be noted, have won 75 percent of their ACC games the past two seasons.)

The Hurricanes and Hokies were the best two teams in the Big East, and Boston was one of its most lucrative television markets. It was like the SEC losing LSU, Florida and Auburn all at once. Or the Pac-10 sans USC, California and Oregon.

"I think the ACC knew what they were doing," Hokies safety Aaron Rouse said. "They went out and recruited the best teams from the Big East."

After the bleeding stopped, the Big East added Cincinnati, Louisville and South Florida to create an eight-team conference. Still, some fans questioned whether the Big East was now strong enough to deserve its automatic berth in the BCS, the controversial system that places the champions of college football's six power conferences and four at-large teams into the five richest postseason bowl games.

Joe Robbins/US Presswire

Michael Bush is one of four Heisman candidates in the Big East.

Then the anti-Big East sentiments reached a fever pitch after the 2004 season, when Pittsburgh won the conference with an 8-3 record and then was trounced by Utah 35-7 in the Fiesta Bowl.

But Louisville and West Virginia addressed those concerns last season. The Cardinals, who had finished 11-1 in their final season in Conference USA in 2004, were expected to navigate just as easily through the Big East for an automatic BCS spot. But West Virginia stunned Louisville 46-44 in a memorable triple-overtime game last season. Suddenly, the Big East had a two-team race and its first rivalry.

"I'd love to have a great rivalry with them," Louisville coach Bobby Petrino said. "Certainly, that rivalry can grow."

And the Big East will continue to grow. The conference has four Heisman Trophy candidates: Brian Brohm and Michael Bush at Louisville and Pat White and Steve Slaton of the Mountaineers. Petrino and West Virginia's Rich Rodriguez are considered two of the brightest coaches in the country. West Virginia is a popular choice to play for the national championship. Yet Louisville might be the better team. The teams' Nov. 2 clash in Louisville (ESPN, 7:30 p.m.) could be one of the most anticipated games of the season.

Most important, West Virginia's meteoric rise at least gives the Big East some breathing room.

After realignment, the conference kept its BCS spot because it met the requirement of having its champion finish, on average, in the top 12 of the final BCS standings the previous four years.

Tranghese was allowed to include Miami and Virginia Tech and the conference's incoming teams in that average.

Beginning this season, however, the Big East and the other five power conferences -- the ACC, Big Ten, Big 12, Pac-10 and SEC -- will be scrutinized strictly on the next four years. So by the end of the 2009 season, if the last four Big East champions haven't had an average BCS standings finish of No. 12 or better, the conference would be in danger of losing its automatic BCS berth.

But with Louisville and West Virginia on board, Tranghese has no such concerns.

"The perception of our league is a lot different than a year ago," Tranghese said.

West Virginia's and Louisville's lofty positions -- the Mountaineers are No. 5 and the Cardinals No. 13 in The Associated Press preseason Top 25 poll -- give other Big East teams time to rebuild and continue to develop. Rutgers finished 7-5 last season and played in its first bowl game since 1978, losing to Arizona State 45-40 in the Insight Bowl. South Florida finished 6-6 and played in its first bowl game ever, losing to North Carolina State 14-0 in the Meineke Car Care Bowl in Charlotte, N.C.

Pittsburgh and Syracuse struggled under new coaches last season, but both programs have too much tradition and too many resources to fall off the football map completely. Connecticut seems very close to doing what Rutgers did last season, and Cincinnati played in a bowl game only two seasons ago.

"It's a very well-coached conference," Petrino said. "I think it's getting better and better. You look at Rutgers and all of the players they have coming back. Pitt keeps getting better through what they're doing in recruiting. And, of course, we don't have to say a word about South Florida. We're going in the right direction."

Only one season after enduring the full effects of the ACC's raid, it could be argued the Big East is in better position than where the ACC was before Miami and Virginia Tech joined the conference two years ago, followed by Boston College last year. Instead of one team dominating the conference -- Florida State won ACC titles 12 times in its first 14 seasons in the conference -- the Big East at least has two teams carrying its banner.

And Louisville and West Virginia could both play in BCS bowl games this season, something the ACC is still waiting for two of its teams to do.

Mark Schlabach covers college football and men's college basketball for ESPN.com. You can contact him at schlabachma@yahoo.com.

Crompton Speaks

As part of our 2006 preview, I'll be sitting down and chatting with Tennessee Quarterback Jon Crompton Its a beautiful day today as I sit down with the star. We are having a working lunch dining al fresco at a rather small undisclosed restaurant in Knoxville. He has ordered a BLT with extra mayo, a raspberry ice tea. I have ordered the usual; a spanish omelette. (By the way, some of no humor freaks need to know that these interviews are fictional, so please stop threatening me) JOESHITTHERAGMAN: First of all, I'd like to start by saying that I am a huge fan of your work. Your flawless physique and boyish charm has captured the hearts of millions Volquest and Gridscape members. My first question concerns the fame. Who would have known that a young boy infatuated with sequins would end up having panties thrown at him every time he leaves the field. How do you cope? Jon Crompton: Well, it has been a roller coaster. That is for sure. I remember in high school when I was participating in State Playoffs, I was ridiculed quite a bit. Did you say sequins? I will let that slide because your little blog was mentioned on Deadspin. Watch your step… JOE: Uhh, ok, sorry. The ladies (ladies include Volquesters too) do enjoy watching you I bet. Anything come to mind? That is worth mentioning? JC: Well, one time this fat-ass woman {Interviewer thought: Possible volquester?}tried to throw her bra at me. I guess she couldn't undo the 16 or so clasps maintaining the two huge breasts, so everyone lining up for an autograph slowly turned to watch her sweat. Her shirt came up a little bit during her struggles, and I still laugh at the collective gasp at the sight of all those stretch marks. This was during Orange and White Spring game. JOE: Ahh, yes. You were splendid in that outing. How you captured the spirit of a young pre-pubescent girl coming of age amidst such turbulent times is electrifying. Did you do any prep for the role? JC: You are a sick bastard. Frogg and Ainge warned me about you. I will totally kick your ass like you’re a geek in P.E. Dodgeball. I can totally make you fall over and cry. You know I have kicked geek ass before? Once, at the Volquest BBQ, I totally made this fat guy fall over and cry. His shirt came up a little bit to expose the bottom of a roll. {Note to self} At this point I felt somewhat uncomfortable with the second mentioning of an overweight person's clothing rising, so I pretended to need a drink of my water. Upon composing myself, I continued. JOE: Right. I suppose you are almost famous for being stalked in both cyberspace and real-time. Specifically, by members of Volquest. The overtures from Spurrier during the recruiting process nearly created a total message board meltdown. Did you train extensively for the role? JC: Oh, hell yeah. I do a lot of physical activity, if you know what I mean, but nothing compares to staring intensely at Josh McNeil. I remember one day I made a great pass, what I believe was a deep post to Austin Rogers, I sprinted down the field pumping my fists in jubilation. Anyway, we had had a couple QB-Center exchanges earlier and McNeil was really pissed. So as I'm getting ready for the final snap, I look up and he is bent over the snack table and mashing bear claws into his mouth like there is no tomorrow. My green no-contact jersey was slung over one shoulder and you could like, totally see his shirt rising up to expose his butt crack. I totally lost it and Coach Cutcliffe almost strangled me. Again, I had to pause, yet this time I couldn't let the third Fat comment slip pass. JOE: That is the third time you have mentioned the exposure of skin produced by some physical effort on an obese person's behalf. Care to explain? JC: Well, its funny y'know? I dunno. Have you ever seen a skinny person's shirt rise up like magic when they are reaching for a steak sandwich? Maybe it’s because I don't like fat people. There was a long pause at this point. I couldn't believe that America's. No, the Tennessee Volunteers Sweetheart had just claimed a dislike of fat people. As a dedicated journalist, I had to pursue. JOE: You...dislike fat people? Perhaps I misunderstood-- JC: No. I fuckin' hate them. I couldn't stand any recruitin visits with Coach Fridgen or the guy at Kansas. I thought about poisoning them during a visit. Don't even get me started on Charlie Weiss, fat bastard. JOE: You wanted to poison them? JC: Yeah. Wouldn't that be ironic? Killed by eating? I didn't do it because Heath Shuler told me it would kill my career. . Chilled by his unemotional display, I suppressed a shudder and forged on. JOE: Why do you have such a fierce loathing of those of extra dimensions? JC: I'm beautiful. But I worked for it. I worked my ass off. Literally. If these lard-asses can't get off their can for five minutes and do a few sit-ups a day, then I have no time for them. All my friends are beautiful. I love skinny chicks. Though I've heard fat chicks need love too. I guess all I'm saying is put the DoubleStuff Oreos down and try some Slim Fast instead. JOE: I...see. Frankly, Jon-- JC: Call me Mr. Crompton, douche bag. JOE: Did you call me a douche bag? At this point Mr. Crompton made his voice high pitched began to mimic my every word JC: Did you call me a douche bag? JOE: I don't see any need for this type of behavior. JC: I don't see any need for this type of behavior. I realized that pursuing this interview further would be fruitless, so I quickly ran from the table and left him with the check.

Holy Shit! Deadspin picked up the Ainge interview

Under the leftover Blogdome. Here is the link http://www.deadspin.com/ Thanks Deadspin

Daddies Gone Wild. Leak and The-Bow mix it up?

As reported yesterday by EDSBS, The Bow's dad is pulling a Curtis Leak. Making a nuisance of himself and just being a peckerwood. Curtis Leak has tried to focus on keeping Chrissy at the front of the pack. Telling the media that Gator Fans hate Chrissy. Regardless, I believe that among the Haters is Urban Meyer. I hate to link proof that Urban does indeed hate but I will do it again Chrissy Is there a Quarterback controvery in Gainsville? Or is there a Daddy issue in Gainsville. I can't imagine a more volatile situation than having a Leak/Bow throwdown. Here are the steps that the "always thinking ahead" Urban Meyer has taken:

The problem at Gator practices is the phenomena of increased cat fighting. Possibly, due to the more aggressive nature of some Daddies. One Gator Dad recently charged another Gator Dad at practice with sexual assault after he accidentally ripped his Jorts off while trying to pull him off a fellow catfighter. Another problem is that the Gator Dads are often more spontaneous and rarely start the action outside of practice. In fact in about 75% of the cases reported, the cat fights start in the mens washroom. So bystanders, males in particular, are left with the catty dilemma of having to go into the mens washroom to separate the combatants. Coach Urban Meyer has hired bouncers to handle this catfight problem, one bouncer school in California now offers instruction in specific techniques to handle a tangled up down and dirty cat fight.

The Bouncers are instructed to first isolate the fight as much as possible and prevent others from joining in or even breaking it up, this is not too difficult if the Gator Dads have taken it to the ground stage, which often happens quickly in a catfight. Secondly wait until they start to get hot, sweaty and tired. It really doesn't take long to bring a catfight to a Jimmy Stewart conclusion.

The cat fight in Destry Rides Again only lasts 2 minutes, yes a two minute catfight. Some nice cool ice water definitely breaks up the action. YES, icy cold water breaks two Gator Dad catfighters apart in no time.

Ainge-E, Ainge-E

As part of our 2006 preview, I'll be sitting down and chatting with the Tennessee Vols Quarterback Erik Ainge. Here is how it went: (Note: backup QB Jon Crompton's Interview is here) Joe: Erik, it's truly an honour to be in your humble presence.

Erik Ainge: I have a problem with your usage of the word 'honour.' Could you please use the American spelling?

JOE: But, how do you know how I spelled it-we're talking...like, verbally...right now...

ERIK: Uh... I guess. I'm a little confused here, I thought I was going to be talking to someone from a regular news organization. What are you? Like twelve?

JOE: I'll be twenty-four in June... and I am from a regular new organization. I'm from... Volquest. I'm Brent Hubbs. I just shaved and dyed my hair for a new look. You like it?

ERIK: Oh, I know. I know all. I will say that I am a big fan of your Site, I read it all of the time.

JOE: All right then, Erik. Here's the first question, you little fucking twerp.

ERIK: Why are the lights so dim? Your not Brent Hubbs. Are you the guy who sits in his car after games, who drinks beer and watches us leave the lockerroom. He creeps me out.

JOE: Uh, no I am not that weird. As for the lights, I thought it would make a better mood for an interview.

ERIK: Is that Barry White I hear playing?

JOE: Just a little mood music. Why don't you take a sip of your wine and relax?

ERIK: Turn up the lights and turn off the music... NOW!

JOE: Okay... okay... I guess I'll get to my questions. Let's see here...

ERIK: You know, it's not very professional of you to have your questions written on... what is that you have your questions written on?

JOE: They're “CheesePaper” from my Hardees Monsterbuger wrapper. The backs of them make great scrap paper. My questions aren’t as probing and insightful as I first believed it would be. So, next question: What do you think of today's military technology?

ERIK: I thought this was about football?

JOE: Erik, I've reviewed the Volquest The Generals Quarters and it is fucking boring. Do you think you can make a comment or two? Keep the psychos a little more edgy? Maybe throw in some pictures...a centerfold?

ERIK: I think we have a huge athletic advantage over our opponents. I mean they're a bunch of dumb turds with second hand Nike gear. And, with my advanced passing accuracy, we can avoid turnovers.

JOE: Boy, if I had a dollar for every time I've heard you say that - I'd have about six dollars. Erik, I regret to tell you, but there is a Quarterback controversy brewing amongst the zealots. Erik, it has to be asked: as each side digs their heels in to the...internet, relations between both sides appear to be getting more and more sour. The pro-Crompton supporters refuse to accept a Coach Cut’s educated evaluation, the other guys are insisting upon one...you're further apart than...two points that are really far apart from one another. So, how are you gonna resolve this big old mess of a situation when y'all hate each other more than Brad and Jennifer?

ERIK: Oh, perhaps the Crompton camp is bitter with myself and the coaches, but there's no acrimony on our part. None whatsoever.

JOE: But in a news release issued last week by the Tennessean, you claimed that the Generals Quarters was responsible for the genocide in Darfur and the successful music career of Hillary Duff.

ERIK: Well, if you look at the facts, you'll see that that cannot be ruled out.

JOE: I see. I've heard you take a great interest in continuing advances in technology for pass blocking.

ERIK: Yes, I demand a lot from our O-Line. When I ask something to be done, I don't take "I can't" or "That's not possible in either classical or quantum physics" for an answer.

JOE: So what's one of your latest creations? I read on the EDSBS Blog that you created a computer that can increase its speed by stealing computing power from its doppelganger in an alternate dimension.

ERIK: No

JOE: Then won't there be an Erik Ainge in an alternate dimension extremely pissed by how his computing power is being sucked away?

ERIK: Fuck him! Obviously I thought of this first. Then again, if I know me, he would be plotting revenge.

JOE: Why do you think the Big Orange Nation and the three people in the Mexico who actually give a shit about the Vols seem to have overwhelmingly sided with you and the Coaching staff in this controversy, as opposed to the Generals Quarters?

ERIK: Clearly because I'm so popular. The people love me.

JOE: One's greatest enemy is always themselves. Anyway, I sometime hear you referred to as Danny Ainge. Can I have your autograph?

ERIK: Danny is my uncle, you asshole.

JOE: So you don’t know Larry Bird?

ERIK: I didn't say that.

JOE: So let's see... what were my other questions...Heh heh, Lloyd Braun is so lazy.

ERIK: I am growing impatient.

JOE: What's it like working with David Cutcliffe?

ERIK: His warmongering is useful to me, but he is an old man, and I am the future. I have plans way beyond his.

JOE: What plans?

ERIK: Nothing for you to know about.

JOE: You don't plan on becoming some supervillan and then take over the world, do you?

ERIK: No comment.

JOE: My God, I bet you already have a hollowed out volcano.

ERIK: I don't like where these questions are going.

JOE: Can I help you come up with a supervillian name? How about “Stud Earrings?

ERIK: You really are dick

JOE: Could I at least be one of your minions?

ERIK: Maybe... just stop talking about the diamond earrings.

JOE: Right. As I speak with you today Erik, one week before the 2006 season officially starts, things aren't looking good. With more and more fans convinced the entire season will be wiped out entirely, what do you say to Mexicans devastated about the fact that they will not be able to watch the Music City Bowl last year?

ERIK: Look, I bleed Orange. Every night before I go to bed, I cry myself to sleep because of all of the exciting SEC action that I am missing right now. The possibility that I won't be able to present the World Series...thingy to the winning team in August at the conclusion of the season...it causes me untold amounts of agony.

JOE: There there. Have a Kleenex. World Series thingy? Are you insane? By the way Erik, the SEC season starts next week.

ERIK: (sniffing audibly) Thank you.

JOE: Uh, please...please stop touching me.

ERIK: I'm sorry. I just love basketball so much. I get very passionate.

JOE: Don't you mean Football?

ERIK: Yes, yes. I love it too. Even more.

JOE: Mr. Ainge, have you been able to gauge what kind of an impact the internet message boards have on the coaches?

ERIK: If I may set the record straight, it is inaccurate to refer to the current dispute as a controversy. It is a 'player access restriction'...

JOE:....I can't remember the question I asked you....

ERIK:...Whatever it was, I'm glad you asked me. Every season ticket holder for the Vols has written me, expressing their concern about the present situation the Coach Fulmer finds himself in. Here. Look. (The Erik hands Joe a sheet of paper.)

JOE: This is just one letter.

ERIK: Yes. From the poster known as Dukecrewfan,from that city...wherever the Predators play, are devastated about the fact that they won't be able to see any "Exciting Vols Football" this season. Trademark.

JOE: Wow...the QB Dilemma is really is having an impact. Do you worry that the game will struggle if and when the dispute is resolved, especially in uh, how shall I say, non-traditional markets such as India?

ERIK: I am concerned, but our loyal fans will come back around when they remember all of the excitement of today's SEC. The clutching, the grabbing, the total disregard for the enforcement of any pass inteference rules, the stultifying commitment to defense-first, run to setup the pass, the utter lack of creativity, the defensive linemen whose bloated equipment make them look like some form of modified Michelin Man...

JOE: Have you ever thought about doing something to draw more interest in your plight?

ERIK: Like what do you mean?

JOE: I was thinking a swimsuit calendar. Everyone loves swimsuit calendars.

ERIK: I don't think that would be appropriate.

JOE: Come on. I got some swimsuits here for you to choose from and the camera is all ready.

ERIK: I'm not comfortable with this.

JOE: Don't be so shy. You have a great body... (cough) (gag)

ERIK: You touched my leg!

JOE: (gag) (cough)

ERIK: Don't be such a baby; I barely collapsed your throat.

JOE: Anyway (cough) thanks for giving me your time. Perhaps we can (cough) do this again sometime.

ERIK: Not if I get a restraining order first.

Phil Paramore ranking the coaches in the hot seat

Phil Paramore, Dothan Alabama Eagle Sportswriter and noted Bama Homer, gives us his take on the SEC coaches on the hot seat. Sorry Phil, I see an error or two in your analysis. Phil, Randy Sanders of http://firerandysanders.com/ glory, had some "issues" at Tennessee. You make the following comment on Randall from Coach Phil's 2005 debacle: "The main culprit was inconsistent quarterback play. Thus, Sanders got canned and old offensive coordinator David Cutcliffe lured back to UT." Then on the Kentucky write-up you add this comment: "it won't be because he has inferior assistants. Randy Sanders, Tennessee's play-caller the night the Vols won the national championship in 1998, is the new quarterbacks coach". Thus my ass, I gotta call bullshit. So Mr. Paramore, which is it? Is Sanders good or bad? If he leaves UT for UK that must be good for the Wildcats, because Kentucky sucks and Sanders is from UT? So is Sanders a step up for UK? I get it now, a backasswards compliment for the Volunteer Program. I hope the Bama fans don't flatten the tires on your car for saying something good about the Vols. Here is the whole article:

Leave it to Steve Spurrier to put a humorous slant on a serious subject. Observing that all 12 football coaches in the Southeastern Conference retained their employment status from a year ago, he had a quip for those assembled at the SEC Media Days last month in Birmingham. "I guess it was a bad year for firing coaches," he said. It is doubtful 2006 will be the same. Here's my list of the trio of mentors who'd better have more highlights than lowlights starting a week from today. RICH BROOKS - KENTUCKY -- Hard to believe this guy actually took Oregon to its first Rose Bowl in 37 years and then landed the St. Louis Rams job in the NFL. Entering his fourth season in Lexington after being out of football for two seasons, the Wildcats have gone just 9-25 since his arrival, including a 3-8 mark last year that featured a 24-point whipping at the hands of lowly Indiana. If he doesn't win this fall -- UK has 16 starters returning -- it won't be because he has inferior assistants. Randy Sanders, Tennessee's play-caller the night the Vols won the national championship in 1998, is the new quarterbacks coach, and former LSU head coach Mike Archer is the defensive coordinator. However, it doesn't help that hated Louisville is on an all-time high and has beaten Brooks' club three years in a row. HOUSTON NUTT - ARKANSAS -- What a testament for the volatile business coaching has become when Nutt barely saved his job in Fayetteville just one season after no less an elite college football power than Nebraska tried to hire him away. Word has it he didn't want to relinquish the play-calling duties to former high-school coach Gus Malzahn, but athletics director Frank Broyles demanded it. Toss in former NFL quarterbacks coach Alex Wood and the potential for too many chiefs obviously exists. The good news is the Razorbacks have 20 starters returning once running back Darren McFadden's toe injury heals, and most of the squad's difficult games are at home. The bad news is those teams include Southern Cal, Alabama, Tennessee and LSU. Most folks say it'll take at least eight wins for Nutt to remain in power, and even then, the four losses better not be blowouts. PHIL FULMER -- TENNESSEE -- While he's probably the least likely out of the group to get his walking papers, there is little doubt the natives are restless in Knoxville. Last season was a disaster, as the Vols started the season ranked No. 3 in the country yet wound up only 5-6 with humiliating losses to old nemesis Steve Spurrier, Notre Dame and perennial doormat Vanderbilt. The main culprit was inconsistent quarterback play. Thus, Sanders got canned and old offensive coordinator David Cutcliffe lured back to UT. But according to reports, Eric Ainge hasn't performed in preseason camp any better than he did a year ago. And then there's a daunting schedule that includes a bizarre back-to-back opening stretch with highly-touted California and wishbone-running Air Force. The Vols also go to suddenly-formidable Memphis and draw Alabama, LSU and Arkansas from the SEC West to go along with East powers Florida, Georgia and South Carolina. Tennessee is just three seasons removed from a 10-2 campaign, but anything much less than that in '06 will only turn up the heat. Phil Paramore's column appears Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday in The Dothan Eagle. He can be heard weekday mornings from 7 until 9 on AM 560 WOOF. He can be reached at www.woofradio.com.

Because I can

Uncut version here

Tedford + Meyer + Quarterbacks= Poo

The Teford Factor:Tedford has coached five quarterbacks who have become first-round picks since 1994: Trent Dilfer, Akili Smith, Joey Harrington, Kyle Boller and David Carr. None of those players has made a significant impact on the NFL. Urban Meyer is poised to supplant Tedford's aura as QB Coach failure as Alex Smith struggles with the 49ers. Chrissy Leak will surely be a 1-2 round pick next year as he picks up his 4th National Championship as the sharting QB for the Gators. The Bow, if he does not go Marinovich , needs only to observe Alex Smith's performance and how well Urban prepared him with that goofy spread option offense. If a SEC defensive doesn't tattoo "Riddell" into The Bow's sternum while The Bow is running the option first. Related Story Leak to Shart Again

T-BOWThe BOW. Viper I know how much you love this guy

From EDSBS:

We wish we had been home-schooled. Home-schooled kids get this great leash length normal kids don’t get on their behavior: flapping your arms after winning national spelling bees, engaging in hobbies like playing the bassoon without getting said instrument shoved up your ass after school, being a creationist without having your teacher flunk you.

UPDATED STORY http://www.everydayshouldbesaturday.com/?p=2463#respond

Interview: Frogger

As part of our 2006 preview, I'll be sitting down and "chatting" with a player from each team. For the Vols, it's starting Center and Roane County uh, expatriate Michael Frogg.

Joe: Michael thanks for sitting down with us. Michael: My pleasure. Joe: You occasionally play center. Erik Ainge, your quarterback last year, has an ACT Score of 32. Doe he ever refer to QB-center exchanges with you as "tickling the ivories"? Michael: No. Joe: Last year, many Vols fans demanded that Randy Sanders be fired. In retrospect, wouldn't it have been easier to simply shoot him, in cold blood? Michael: No. That's terrible.

Joe: I know it is. But what if, like, if you had gotten one of those plastic guns, like the kind John Malkovich had in "In The Line Of Fire"? You ever see that movie? Michael: No. Joe: It's fucking badass. You should rent it. Anyway, you get your hands on 107,000 of those puppies, which should be easy to do in Knoxville, and you could let everyone in the stadium open fire on Sander’s when Kentucky comes to play. Wouldn't that have been preferable to subjecting loyal fans to another Saturday of abject pain and misery of observing a Sanders directed Offense? Michael: No. Joe: Your new coach, David Cutcliffe, has been called a "disciplinarian". But he's also from India. What's it like to play for a walking oxymoron? Michael: He is not an Indian Joe: Do fans that troll Myspace looking for player pages freak you out? Michael: Oh yes, that is weird

Joe: Sanders grew up in Morristown, you know. There's nothing up there except for trees, iron ore, and fat women. If you lived up there, wouldn't you fuck a guy just to get the clock moving forward? Michael: No. Joe: During the offseason, the Vols hired Kurt Roper to coach Running Backs. How good are you at tackling? Michael: I'm okay at it. Joe: And what about holding pass blocks for 40 seconds or longer? Michael: I'm a good pass blocker.

Joe: Fair enough. The FSU Seminoles are owned by the Bowden family. If the Noles were an entree, would they be a Taco? Michael: No. Joe: You played High School football in Roane County. You now play in Knoxville. Which city secretly hates Mexicans more? Michael: I like both cities. Joe: That's a smart answer. Very diplomatic. I'll just write down that you said, "Both cities secretly hate mexicans a lot," since we both know that's the correct answer. Michael: I did not say that. And, if you say I said that, I'll deny it. Joe: Again, very diplomatic of you. The suburban Kingston accent manages to combine the accent of a fat person from Cocke County with that of a Nashville Country Female singer. How do you cope with such a grating, horrible sound? Michael: I have no idea what you're talking about. Joe: Let's move on to another topic. You play offensive line. Does it ever bother you when the o-line coach hops on the blocking sled and rides it around, like you're his personal goddamn rickshaw driver or something? Michael: No. Joe: Your first name, Michael, is also the name of the kid from “Halloween”. Your last name, Frogg, is slang for an Amphibian. When you're Frog “gigging”, on an AggiesGators chest, do you tell her that you're "exorcising the demons"? Michael: You are insane.

Joe: Quarterbacks often get their o-lineman gifts at the end of the season, as a reward for protecting them. What did your QB's get you last year, when you failed miserably at doing so? Some Post-Its? A box of Triscuits, perhaps? Michael: We got Jenny Craig subscriptions.

Joe: Let's go back to Coach Cut. Doesn't Cut strike you as the kind of guy who would consistently fuck up a Chinese Fire Drill? You send him out to pick up Taco Bell, and he comes back with a caulk gun? Michael: No. Joe: Would you consider kissing me? Michael: No. Joe: Come on. I've been on Valtrex for three weeks now. If that's the reason for your hesitation, I can assure you the outbreak is totally under control. Michael: No.

Joe: Michael, thanks for taking time out from leaning against other heavy men to come chat with us. Michael: No problem

Kevin Simon Please Get Well

Good damn morning people!! Sitting down with a cup of coffee, perparing for my morning run, I got an email request from a couple of guys over at Volquest. Piratelooksatmysweatynutsack (piratelooskat40 for his straight friends) and AfricaVol, both of whom are pretty much dicks, They want us to put a "get well" for Kevin Simon (Number 5 in this pic). He is having surgery to repair a tear in his stomach. Don't get me wrong, I hope all goes well for him in the surgery, the Redskins don't cut him, and that after the surgery he visits Volquest, this blog and our fledgling forum. Pirate and Africa are what we call in the business, "sheep", incapable of original thought. In this case they are merely 2nd string sheep, enforcers for the starting sheep over there at Volquest. I see this "get well" stunt as a huge ass kiss by those boys. Hey, I will play along with it just to see where it goes. I would let them and the rest of the herd at VQ in on a secret, Kevin Simon does not give a shit what you dummies at an internet forum post. But for the mental health of the sheep Kevin, please contact me for an interview , please. A special thanks to Cajun for posting this on the LWS Forum.

Tonight, I will be interviewing some of the members of the Vols Offensive Line

I don't know which players are coming. But you can expect much of the same kind of hard hitting Q & A that I provided on the blogs below: Chu McCracken's "Uncle" and The Second String Sheep

Cals adobe brick house defense shows signs of decay

With sophomore defensive tackle Mika Kane out for the Sept. 2 opener at Tennessee with a broken finger, Malele will return to his starting spot alongside All-America candidate Brandon Mebane.

"He looks OK in practice," Cal defensive coordinator Bob Gregory said of Malele, who had 17 tackles last season. "We've tried to limit his repetitions a little. I don't know that he is 100 percent, but he is improving every day."

Cal coach Jeff Tedford is concerned about his team's depth along the defensive line. "It's important for (Malele) to be there for us," Tedford said.

Cal Sucks

I am hearing from both UGA and UT insiders close to Eric Berry

Sources in both camps have commented on the heated recruiting battle for Atlanta GA Eric Berry's services that indeed Berry's flatulence is indeed silent. This leads into a discussion of Brown Notes and Sharts Chris Leak a know sharter, in an unprecedented action, expressed caution and sympathy for Berry's unseemly plight. Urban Meyer, who created dark practice shorts and pre-stained game pants to assist Leak through his sphincter issues, will accelerate his effort to recruit Berry.

Les Miles does the electric slide

This clip needs english subtitles. Looking for the interview where Urban weeps

LWS welcomes the poster known as the Cincy Bowtie

We look forward to sane and rational insight, keeping the kooks honest. Is that Jimmy Clausen in the back? Can anyone confirm this?

Ahh, When "they" wargame replacing Coach Phil

It is sad, but I need it. Some of the posters at a certain website really believe that their opinion of UT Athletics really matters in the decision making process. I need those guys, I need their opinions, they provide me comedic relief for this blog. I have a snapshot provided by a "source" deep in the bowels of the warroom I have highlighted in the blue square the propaganda that is used for mind control. Dadi.com is a loose reference to poster/parent known as Dad1a/TRV. True believers worship the man known as Daddi-O. Watch as the trainees learn to write 5-paragraph responses with 5 dollar words. The key is to appear that you know what you are talking about and provide the illusion of being intelligent. Go Daddi-O!! Today, the overthrow of Coach Phil Fulmer is being planned. Who will replace him? Tedford from Cal? Gruden from Tampa Bay? Lloyd alluded to the delusions of this bunch in his Ainge/Crompton post. Be careful, there may be recruit that is turned away from the Vols because of out power. The tentacles of the nation are like the jelly fish always drifting aimlessly searching for prey.

Trouble in Southbend

I love anything that tarnishes the ESPN annointed school of choice. It appears that all schools have psychos (Volnavyman you reading this?). I am sure that this man's Blood pressure is soaring. http://jgwebblogs.typepad.com/notre_dame/2006/08/people_are_sear.html

Check the CBS Headline

Interview with Chu McCracken's "Uncle"

As part of our 2006 preview, I'll be sitting down and chatting with Board Moderator of the The Generals Quarters, Volquest of the Rivals Network, Today, it's Alpha sheep Boy Senegal. I have used the Ron Mexico name generator to protect Boy Senegal’s true identity.

Joe: BS, thanks for taking the time to sit down with us. You don’t mind if I call you BS? Boy Senegal: No problem. Joe: I loved your efforts in Eyes Wide Shut and Red Dust. "You are shallow!" I love that. Oh, and you were great in Fear X, too. Ironic, Fear X, hmmm. How did you earn the trust of an acclaimed actor like Tom Cruise? Boy Senegal: That's Lloyd Braun. People don’t cross me and get away with it.

Joe: No need to be modest. The Vols jettisoned starting DT Tony McDaniel in the offseason. Tell me, why keep Jim Bob Cooter? Isn't he really just dead weight? Boy Senegal: Huh? Cooter? I will call my sources. I told them to get rid of him. Joe: Phil Fulmer has often been criticized for his coaching in the fourth quarter. But shouldn't he get more credit for being a shitty coach the first three quarters of a game? Boy Senegal: No. Joe: Trooper Taylor helped bring chest bumps and wearing ballcaps backwards back to the Vols. Do you think Trooper is bothered at all by Stanley Asunmu’s surplus of height? Boy Senegal: No. Joe: Is Ainge a bad drop kicker? Because QB's that can't drop kick are useless fuckers. Boy Senegal: I don't know. Joe: Are you sort of glad that Rick Clausen isn't around anymore, so you don't have to spend team meetings staring at Clausen’s hairline while pretending that you aren't? Boy Senegal: No. I don’t attend those meetings

Joe: As a Mexican, do you find it ironic that your job is essentially border control? Boy Senegal: I'm not Mexican.

Joe: I see this is a touchy issue for you. Let's move on. Jon Crompton: do you really need him? Boy Senegal: Yes. Joe: You did steroids to help heal an "elbow" injury faster. How much can your "elbow" squat now? 700? 800? Boy Senegal: It really was an elbow injury. Joe: I'll bet. How much of an improvement is David Cutcliffe over Randy Sanders? Is it sort like moving from a hovel to a shantytown? Boy Senegal: David is a good coordinator. Joe: Everyone agrees the old thick stripes on the helmets are Badass. But the Vols refuse to go back to them. What the fuck is wrong with you people? Boy Senegal: I don't know. I am just a Board Mod. Joe: I saw Coach Fulmer on TV when he was apologizing for last season. What's it like to play for a cadaver? Boy Senegal: Coach is not dead. Joe: Bret Smith: any relation to Ramar Smith? Boy Senegal: No. Joe: Because Bret provided tremendous camera work in “Pros vs Joes”. He'll be missed. Boy Senegal: No. Joe: Will you kiss me? Boy Senegal: No. Joe: Would you consider touching my meat? It won't bite. Boy Senegal: No. Joe: We could share a Meat Lover's Pizza. Boy Senegal: No. Joe: BS, thanks for taking time off from doing dead lifts with your "elbow" to come talk to us. Boy Senegal: My pleasure.