Talking Chalk with Coach Cutt

As part of our 2006 preview, I'll be sitting down and chatting with David Cutcliffe, Offensive Coordinator for the University of Tennessee. Coach Cutcliffe returns to Knoxville after taking a year off after coaching at the University of Mississippi. The interview takes place in a small bistro off of the famous Knoxville Strip. This interview is a dream come true for me.

JOE: I am here cutting it up something fierce with Coach David Cutcliffe, the guy who says he's the master of University of Tennessee Volunteer Offense, though didn't bring any proof to the effect. Coach, thanks for making time in your busy schedule to meet with us. CDC: No problem, and please, call me Coach. Don’t be getting weird with me like you did my quarterbacks(Ainge and Crompton archives). Phillip said I had to do this interview, so watch the romper room shit.

JOE: O…kay… Coach, if you could go back in time and slap just one person, who would it be? CDC: Wow, there are so many quality former players and coaches to choose from but I'd have to go with Randy Sanders. He took a healthy offense to the verge-of-extinction like a Pterodactyl, you know like when it's all weak and couldn't beak me to death. That would be a really cool slap.

JOE: If you could fall out of any building, which one would it be? CDC: Fall out of a building? That's odd, okay, um… Moe's Tavern in Smut-Eye Alabama, that's a nice short one. Besides, if I did odds are I'd be all blotto and not even know it.

JOE:Along those lines, if you were a cartoon character on Scooby-Doo, which one would you be? Not successful enough to be Freddy or Daphne, not pious enough to be Velma. I've rebounded too well to be Shaggie. I'm pretty infamous but I think I've got just enough subtle spirit and toxic radiation poisoning to be Scooby.

JOE: What's the smallest thing you've ever stolen? CDC: Stolen, sheesh man, trying to get me busted here? It wasn't exactly stealing but I once borrowed all of the “O’s” off of all of the Ole Miss Athletic Department computer keyboards. I got fired after resurrecting that crappy program. Yeah, to hell with them, I got the last laugh, me and my Os, didn't I? They hired that Roid freak Coach O whatever the hell his name is…

JOE: Ainge or Crompton? CDC: Depends what time the game started. Crompton is alright for going through to sunset, but for going out dancing that Ainge is best be the rising sun. For photos and art I don't much care which, they look the same to me.

JOE:In a perfect world, what time would your Kick-off start? CDC: In my ideal world there would be a daylight savings-style one hour time shift about twice a week. This week I'd love to get up each day around ten, but next week should be eleven or noon, and probably within about six months I think I could get back around full circle jerkle to getting up at ten AM again. It sounds like madness even to me, but at least it's my own sort of madness.

JOE:When was the last time you were stranded somewhere and for how long? CDC: It was terrible. I went to Neyland Stadium about three months ago. Came back out to the car to go home and it wouldn't start. I didn't have my phone on me and I was stuck. I waited four hours sitting in that stupid car drinking all the beer I'd just bought before I finally gave up. It wouldn't start anyhow so I got out and walked all the way home. Must have taken me about twelve minutes.

JOE: What College Coach has had the greatest influence on you? CDC: I'd have to go with Lee Corso. He has taken his failure as football coach and twisted it into fame and fortune. ESPN keeps him in a cage in South Bend. Only lets him out with that metrosexual Chris Fowler. Do you remember when they replaced Craig James with Herbie? Those were great days, Trev Alberts spewing venom, the stuff that would burn your eyes kinda like staring into the sun to long…

JOE:If you could take just one thing with you to be stuck on a deserted island, what would it be? CDC:Assuming I can be rescued it would be a satellite phone, because, you know, kinda want to get off the island at some point, right? If I'm to assume that rescue isn't an option, gosh it's a toss up between Heath Shuler and Peyton Manning, though my knee-jerk reaction is to say Peyton. Why, do you think you could hook that up?

JOE:What do you think of these interview questions? CDC:Well, at least you didn’t make a move on me like you did with Coach Majors. I was a little nervous about that. I think they're hard, but I think if they weren't there wouldn't be any fun in answering them. Honestly I hate interviews because it feels like a challenge of who's dumber and more trite. Like "Hey, let me ask you the most predictable question ever so you can give me the most rehearsed and predictable answer ever, how delightful!" These take a bit more work and I dig 'em like those new pop tarts, Go Tarts.

Boxers or briefs? CDC: Oh I'm all commando today. Normally it's boxers but asking me to show up somewhere and have underwear on at the same time frankly asking a bit too much, don't you think?

Joe: Thanks for your time Coach, good luck with Cal

CDC: Blow me you twerp