Monday, October 23, 2006


I was attempting to import the posts from Blogger to Wordpress and they have not made it. Grill viper the lazy shit, wants me to copy and paste all 319 posts over. The new blog is a work in progress so bear with us Here is the new Blog Address:

Friday, October 20, 2006

LWS Pick'Em

Lloyd Braun Alabama @ Tennessee -Vols (barely) Georgia Tech @ Clemson - Clamson Texas @ Nebraska - Nebraska UCLA @ Notre Dame - Notre Dame Iowa @ Michigan - Iowa Boston College @ Florida St - FSU. Rutgers @ Pittsburgh - PITT Wisconsin @ Purdue - WIsconsin Texas A&M @ Oklahoma St. - Aiggies Cincinatti Bowtie Alabama @ Tennessee - Tennessee Georgia Tech @ Clemson - Clempson Texas @ Nebraska - Nebraska UCLA @ Notre Dame - God Squad Iowa @ Michigan - Upset special - Iowa Boston College @ Florida St. - Diddy Bowden Rutgers @ Pittsburgh - Rutgers Wisconsin @ Purdue - Cheeseheads Texas A&M @ Oklahoma St. - 5thchoiceione Grill Viper (he reads Cosmo while taking a dump) Alabama @ Tennessee - Philopotamus eats Shula's lunch Georgia Tech @ Clemson - Climpsun Texas @ Nebraska - Nebraska UCLA @ Notre Dame - Notre Poop Iowa @ Michigan - Michigan Boston College @ Florida St. - FSU Rutgers @ Pittsburgh - Pitt Wisconsin @ Purdue - Cheese Texas A&M @ Oklahoma St. - Who gives a crap? A&M Big Papi Alabama @ Tennessee - Vols Georgia Tech @ Clemson - Clemson Texas @ Nebraska - Texas UCLA @ Notre Dame - Notre Dame Iowa @ Michigan - Michigan Boston College @ Florida St. - Boston College Rutgers @ Pittsburgh - Rutgers Wisconsin @ Purdue - Wisconsin Texas A&M @ Oklahoma St. - A&M LWS Alabama @ Tennessee - Sorry IJ Georgia Tech @ Clemson - Bowden's Thugs Texas @ Nebraska - WWMBD UCLA @ Notre Dame - Fat boy Iowa @ Michigan - Drive myCarr Boston College @ Florida St. - BC Rutgers @ Pittsburgh - Shit on Pitt Wisconsin @ Purdue - Purdue Texas A&M @ Oklahoma St. - OSU Irishjihad Alabama @ Tennessee - Crimson Tide Georgia Tech @ Clemson - Georgia Tech Texas @ Nebraska - Texas UCLA @ Notre Dame - Notre Dame Iowa @ Michigan - Meeechigan Boston College @ Florida St. - BC Rutgers @ Pittsburgh - Pitt Wisconsin @ Purdue - Wisconsin Texas A&M @ Oklahoma St. - aTm Volfan2346685983 Alabama @ Tennessee - Vals Georgia Tech @ Clemson - GT Texas @ Nebraska - Texas UCLA @ Notre Dame - ND Iowa @ Michigan - Mich Boston College @ Florida St. - FSU Rutgers @ Pittsburgh - Pitt Wisconsin @ Purdue - Wisc Texas A&M @ Oklahoma St. - TAMU

College Football's Axis of Evil

Columbia — Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the "Axis of Evil," South Carolina, LSU and Ole Miss today announced they had formed the "Axis of Just as Evil," which they said would be way eviler than that stupid UGA, Bama and Florida Gator Axis, the Losers with Socks website warned.

Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the new axis as having, for starters, a really gay name. "Right. They are Just as Evil... in their wettest dreams!" declared Urban Meyer. "Everybody knows we're the best evils... best at being evil... we're the best."

Officials from the University of South Carolina denied they were jealous over being excluded, although they conceded they did ask if they could join the Axis of Evil.

"They told us it (Axis of Evil) was full, it’s tough to explain to our players and fans. Our school has sucked for so long (3 bowl appearances all time) and no one really respects us. Dadgumit, we have tried the “black out” (A pathetic attempt for psyching out the opponent. Typically, the Gamecocks lost both of their “blacked-out” games.), frankly we are just not that scary" said Cock Coach Steve Spurrier.

"An Axis can't have more than three schools," explained Bama Coach Mike Shula. "This is not my rule, its tradition. In World War II you had Germany, Italy, and Japan in the evil Axis. So you can only have three. And a secret handshake. Ours is “fucking” cool, Shula said dropping a patented ‘Shula F-Bomb’."


National reaction to LWS’s Axis of Evil declaration was swift, as within minutes, as Southern Cal rattled it’s sabers by scoring another touchdown on Arkansas.

Elsewhere, peer-conscious schools rushed to gain triumvirate status in what became a game of Geo-BCS Musical chairs. Ohio State, Michigan, and Penn State said they had formed the Axis of Somewhat Evil, forcing Nebraska to join with Texas and Oklahoma in the Axis of Occasionally Evil, while Southern Cal, Colorado and UTEP established the Axis of Not So Much Evil Really As Just Generally Disagreeable.

With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable clubs filling up, Louisville, West Virginia, and Virginia Tech applied to be called the Axis of Schools That Aren't the Worst But Certainly Should NOT Be Asked to a BCS Bowl Game; Florida State, Miami, and Kentucky formed the Axis of Schools That Are Actually Quite Nice But Secretly Have Nasty Thoughts About Tim Tebow, while Clemson, Georgia Tech, and Vanderbilt established the Axis of Schools That Sometimes Ask Sheep to Wear Lipstick.

"That's not a threat, really, sheep are just something we like to do," said Clemson Coach Tommy Bowden.

While wondering if the other schools across the NCAA weren't perhaps making fun of them, a cautious LWS granted approval for most axes, although they rejected the establishment of the Axis of Schools Whose Names End in "State," accusing one of its members of filing a false application. Officials from Boise State, Fresno State, and Shippensburg State denied the charges.

Independent Notre Dame, meanwhile, insisted it didn't want to join any Axis, but privately, School Officials said that's only because no one asked them.

HT Satirewire

Thursday, October 19, 2006

Big Papi Picks 'Em...

Yeah you guessed it. We're doing the quick picks again. Interviewing a ghost took everything out of me (I've been freaked out by ghosts ever since I watched Casper stoned). That and it's nearly 3 AM and I'm leaving for Knoxville in the morning (Get your cigars ready, Vol fans. It's going to be an ass whippin') . Another solid 9-1, 52 point week last week. What did we learn? West Virginia can score FAST, Rutgers is for real, Mizzou isn't quite ready to make that jump (thanks for costing me the perfect week bastards), Brohm is back but rusty, Virginia is godawful, USC is very beatable, and Chris Leak is a pussy (well we already knew that one) and became one of the most hated people in the state of Florida. On to this week's picks. As always this comes from's College Pick 'Em Home teams in bold. 10 point game- Ohio State over Indianna 9 point game- Arkansas over Ole Miss 8 point game- LSU over Fresno State 7 point game- Oklahoma over Colorado 6 point game- Tennessee over Alabama 5 point game- Notre Dame over UCLA 4 point game- Michigan over Iowa 3 point game- Wisconsin over Purdue 2 point game- Texas over Nebraska 1 point game- Clemson over Georgia Tech Last week's record: 9-1 Record to date: 59-11

I've Been Talking with a Ghost...

This was a really tough interview to put together. Do you guys know how hard it was to schedule a sit-down with Logan Young, a guy that's been dead for 6 months? You can't just give them a call. It takes some work. I thought of trying the whole ouiji board thing, but, according to Tri-Mar Paranormal Research, ouiji boards are "not a scientifically accepted form of ghostly research and are potentially dangerous as well." Plus, I thought it would be pretty close to impossible to decipher the incoherent ramblings of a drunk ghost one letter at a time. Next, I considered a seance, but learned they, if they aren't totally fake, can be dangerous as well. All I needed was the spirit of a douche-bag Bammer fucking up my apartment and drinking all my JD. I was at a loss. I talked to ghost hunters, psychics, delusional lawyers, bald bitter radio hosts, and even a bizarre, one-eyed gypsy named Phyllis. No one could help. I was really frustrated at this point. LWS was going to be really pissed if I didn't come through with this interview (He can be very demanding. Never bring up nipple clamps or electro-shock when around the Grill Viper). I needed to blow off some steam and clear my head, so I decided to head over to the Purple Church for the all you can eat contest (the most glorious thing I have ever seen) and a couple of lap dances. This is where things got a little wierd.... We're half way through "Gold Digger" and I've got Destiny's DD's flopping in my face, when all of a sudden a ghastly apparation appeared on her chest.... GoLY: Boy, if you want this interview, get your face out of those funbags and order me a shot of Jack. Now I've heard it's impossible to piss and shit at the same time, but the people that say that have never seen a ghost's head pop out between a stripper's tits. I flip backwards out of my chair sending drinks and Destiny flying (don't worry, her tits broke her fall) GoLY: Hehehe...I love doing that shit. Get off your ass, boy. I told you to get me some whiskey. I stand up, wide-eyed, reach out and try to touch his hand goes straight through. GoLY: Quit that shit. You can't touch a ghost, you dumb sonbitch. Now sit down, get me some bourban, and start asking me your fucking questions before I possess you and make you drop a duece on the stage. I start to slowly regain my composure and take a seat and order Mr. Young a bourban and a Long Island Ice Tea for myself. BP: Well Mr. Young, it sure was nice of you to come back from the dead to talk to me... GoLY: Hell son, you think I'm here to talk to you? I come here every other day to check out all the T and A. Tommy G. told me your skinny ass was wanting to chit-chat and when I saw ya sitting over here I thought I'd grant your wish.
Logan Young's favorite night at Platinum
BP: So you still speak with Mr. Gallion even though you're dead? GoLY: Of course, son. The man's a demon. Where I living now, it's kinda hard to get away from him. BP: A...a...demon? GoLY: You retarded, boy? Yeah, he's a fucking demon. Smells like sulpher. Servant of the Devil. A fucking demon. BP: What about Paul Finebaum? Is he a demon too? GoLY: That bald idiot? Naw, son. He ain't no demon. He's just a retard.
Tommy Gallion when he's not in court
At this point, our drinks arrive and I take a large chug of my LIT to settle my nerves. GoLY: Thanks, honey. Keem 'em coming. (He attempts to slap the waitress on her ass but his hand goes right through her) Hey there, boy. You're gonna have to help me out with this. I can't pick up the glass. (I pick it up and attempt to pour the whiskey into his mouth. It goes straight through him and right onto the floor.) DAMN I needed that. BP: Could you even taste that? A depressed look crosses his face. GoLY: Naw I can't taste it. But it sure brings back some memories. Me and the Bahr used to chug bottle after bottle of this shit while we discussed what players he wanted me to buy for him. BP: Speaking of the Bear, what was your relationship with him like? GoLY: Ah, me and the Bahr were great buddies. Still are by the way, though we don't have nearly as much fun now that we're in hell (Sorry Bama fans, there's the confirmation that the Bear is actually dead). We used to pound a few bottles of Jack, climb into my pick up truck and take out some mailboxes with a baseball bat. SHIT, them were great times. I remember when we took a shit in a paper bag(You hear that, boy we didn't use dog shit. We actually shit in the bag ourselves), put it on Johnny Majors' porch and set it on fire. That sonbitch was so pissed off when he stomped it out and realized the bag was full of shit. Hehehe, you shoulda seen his face!!
I can believe there was shit in that bag.
BP: What's your opinion of Roy Adams? GoLY: That no-good, back-stabbing, queer, sonbitch. You know me and him used to be big buddies? We hung out all the time. Then that bastard feed me a shitload of Jack and tried to cornhole me in his hottub. Now don't get me wrong, I love a good cornholing. The Bahr used to give 'em to me all the time. But that's only for the Bahr to do to me...ain't no man that goes by TennStud gonna slip it to me. Then that shit he pulled at my trial... BP: Your trial....Tell me Logan...what was it like to be a modern day slave trader? GoLY: Slave trader? Hell, son, all I did was give some people a little money to play football at Alabama, I ain't no slave trader. BP: You paid coaches large amounts of money for their athletes to go to Alabama. You bought human beings. That's the definition of a slave trader. GoLY: Spare me the self-righteousness, boy. I gave them boys money out of love, love for my Crimson Tide. If it wasn't for me, that program woulda sank to shit decades ago. You really think some boy is gonna come to Tuscaloosa, Alabama to play football? Have you been there? It's a shithole! I wouldn't take a piss in that town without wrapping up my package. So yeah, I bought me a few players...more than a few but I was doing it out of the good of my heart. You know how bad it gets down there when the Tide loses. Hell some daddy tried to shoot his kid. Imagine what's going to go down when that program goes completely into the shitter. It's going to be uglier than when I "fell down those stairs". Listen boy, I gotta get outta here. Satan gets his panties in a wad if we're gone too long. BP: One more question before you go...can I get a score prediction for the game on Saturday? GoLY: Let's see, how many of my boys are left down, shit. We're screwed.

IrishJihad's Top 25

1. Ohio St. (Useless Nuts keep rolling, rolling, rolling, What!) 2. Michigan (ESPN/ABC/Disney execs have been seen praying in the Church of Tebow that the Wolverines don't stumble before they play OSU) 3. Louisville (What can IJ say? He thinks they're pretty good) 4. USC (Back to back to back subpar performances) 5. West Virginia (Do the 'Eers burn love seats, too?) 6. Texas (Improved since first game) 7. Arkansas (Let's see, the Hawgs beat..............) 8. Auburn (Who beat....................) 9. Florida (Who beat....................) 10. Tennessee (Who beat...................) 11. California (Who beat nobody, they play in the PAC-10) 12. Notre Dame (Game against UCLA may be closer than some think, and may not be) 13. Georgia Tech (Calvin Johnson + John Tenuda defense = a good football team) 14. LSU (2 losses were against a couple of pretty good teams) 15. Oregon (Holiday Bowl here we come) 16. Clemson (Saturday's game should be a preview of ACC Championship) 17. Wisconsin (Where do they find these runningbacks?) 18. Oklahoma (Gonna be a rocky road the rest of the way without AD) 19. Boston College (Did anyone think that BC would be the best newcomer in the ACC?) 20. Texas A&M (FranTeats doing his best to keep his butt out of the fire) 21. Missouri (IJ saw some idiot's poll last week that had Missouri in the Top 10) 22. Nebraska (Mmmmm corn) 23. Boise St. (BzzzzzzzzzzzBzzzzzzzzzz) 24. Rutgers (Will they pass the test of the Wannstache?) 25. Alabama (You people of the multi-shaded orange are going down!!)
  • OK, IJ knows what you're thinking. Arkansas at #7!?!? Well, IJ thinks Auburn is at least a Top 10 team(at least at this moment), and how can someone put Auburn over Arkansas after what the Hawgs did to them less than 2 weeks ago? Plus Arkansas' only loss came at the hands of USC. Even if the final score was a blowout, the game was close for over 3 quarters, with Robert Johnson as the QB. Arkansas still has to play LSU and Tennessee, both possible losses, but it's not out of the realm of possibility that they could win both of those, either. Then what would you have IJ do with them?
  • LSU has been the biggest disappointment for me so far this season. They would be undefeated if Mauck was the quarterback and a bag of rocks was the coach.
  • While it sucks that we'll probably never get to watch Adrian Peterson play in another college football game. IJ doesn't feel that sorry for him. He'll be resting easy sleeping on a mattress stuffed with $100 bills in a few short months.
  • Georgia, we hardly knew ye. Man, getting beat by a team coached by Steve Martin must sting. Just ask the Tennessee faithful how they coped?

Photos capture what Fulmer really does on sideline

Fulmer seen here instructing players how to follow thru with the 'game plan' Fulmer trying to hide his exuberance after a well executed 'game plan'

Bammer Blog

Check this shit. "(fulmer) He's known primarily for his success in recruiting the cream of the crop from our nations prisons, insane asylums." Fulmer certainly missed on Juwan Simpson, John Sara Jessica Parker Wilson and DJ Hall.
Phillip Fulmer has been described as "a genius," "the greatest coach to ever walk the planet," and "one handsome devil" by Vols fans. No one listens to them, though, since no one listens to ignorant hillbillies, and his reputation among those more familiar with college football and not hampered by a lifetime's worth of moonshine is far less flattering. He's known primarily for his success in recruiting the cream of the crop from our nations prisons, insane asylums, and Texas, and for being a big, fat, disgusting blob that bathes in giant tubs of Sam's Choice Imitation Velveeta to maintain his filthy hide's slimy texture.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

College Flash Classics Part 2...

College Flash Classics

Bear and Jesus, What's the Difference?

1. BEAR IS IN THE WITNESS PROTECTION PROGRAM. In February, 1983 President Ronald Reagan awarded Bryant the Presidential Medal of Freedom. It's ludicrous to believe that the Reagan would have issued a medal to someone not working for him, even Bear Bryant. Mysteriously, Six years later, the Berlin Wall fell 2. BEAR’s NAME IS MISSPELLED ON HIS TOMB. Bear’s son, Paul Jr., misspelled Bear’s middle name on the grave—Wiliam instead of William, as his mother named him. This is a sign that Paul Jr. knew that it was not his father in the tomb. 3. PHOTOGRAPHS OF THE CORPSE DON’T RESEMBLE BEAR In 1983, the National Enquirer paid a third cousin of Bear to smuggle a mini-camera in to the viewing of Bear’s body. The resulting picture was published in the Enquirer, and caused shock waves among Bama fans around the world. The eyebrows chin, and fingers all looked unlike Bear. 4. THE COFFIN WAS TOO HEAVY. The coffin weighed 900 pounds: Bear was not known to have been overweight at the time of his death. The only plausible account for that weight would be if the body was a wax dummy and there was an air conditioner inside the coffin to keep the wax dummy from melting. 5. KEN STABLER’s STRANGE QUOTE. Ken Stabler, a former Tide Quarterback, said in a press conference shortly after Bear’s death: ‘Bear didn’t die. The body did. We’re keeping up the good spirits. We’re keeping Bear alive. I talked to him this morning and he told me to 'carry on.’ Is it possible that there was a double entendre to those words: that they had literal truth to them that no one suspected at the time? 6. INCONSISTENCIES IN THE STORY The circumstances of death are described in conflicting ways. Witnesses disagree as to how the body was found and what Bear was wearing, when the body was found, whether it was dead already, when death was declared, and whether AR was tried. 7. THE BOOK DID NOT EXIST THEN The book the “Origins of Life” he is supposed to have been reading when he died was not published until a year later. 8. EVIDENCE THAT BEAR WAS PLANNING ON THE END There seems to be evidence that Bear was preparing for the end: —Why, for instance, did he order no new Hound’s-tooth hats for his new position as Athletic Director? —Why did he fire several old friends shortly before his death? —During his last game in the Liberty Bowl he was a sarcastic bastard, totally out of character for Bear: was he warning his fans? —Five months before hand, family members were suddenly cut out of his will. Did he realize he would need that money for his new life? 9. MYSTERIOUS FIGURE LEAVING MEMPHIS THE DAY AFTER On January 27th 1983, one day after Bear’s death, a ticket to Buenos Aires was bought at Memphis airport by a man looking like Bear and using the name Ron Mexico, a code name Bear frequently used when making hotel reservations for the Bear entourage. 10. NEW AUDIO OF BEAR’s PREGAME SPEECHES EMERGES In 2002, an independent label released a CD entitled Roll Tide Roll featuring Bear’s voice addressing the Alabama Football Team and making reference to Tennessee Head Coach Phil Fulmer. Fulmer was not the Tennessee Head Coach prior to January 26th, 1983.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

This is Awesome

From the 8th Maxim, I cried when I saw this

Rocky Top Talk Haiku; Bammer Edition

Enter your Haiku here in the comments or follow the link Click Here are a couple Shula's on the way diurnal syncopation go to bed you F'bomber Ineffable sight With an "F"-bomb crevice Laughable Shula

Eleven Reasons Tennessee Sucks

Now there are countless reasons why Tennessee and anything associated with Tennessee sucks. But for the sake of brevity because our site is just too damn long, here's eleven, in no particular order, off the top of my head. Feel free to add more in the comments. 11. Al Gore, Justin Timberlake, and Shannon Doherty - If you can name three people less deserving to be celebrities, well, I'd like to see you try. 10. Blumpkination of Jonathon Crompton (JCromp) - UT has one of the top QB's in the country in terms of passing efficiency in Erik Ainge, yet some 'insiders' still want to start a redshirt freshman over Ainge. And I guarantee some of these same people mock the Florida fans that boo Chris Leak. Rockhead, thy name is VolNation. 9. Erik Ainge - If for no other reason than the spelling of his name. What is he, some kind of viking? Oh yeah, and in case you didn't know, he's Danny Ainge's nephew. Thanks Verne. 8. Current crap emitting out of Nashville - No, I'm not talking about what is currently passing for a professional football team in The Music City. I'm speaking of the pop music that is being passed off as country music. Instead of Hank Williams or Merle Haggard, Nashville is pimping groups like Big and Rich. You may be coming to my cit-tay, but you're leaving with your asses kicked. 7. Game Maxims - C'mon Tennessee fans, you people make fun of Bama fans all the time for living in the past, yet your beloved Vols still quote a dead, alcoholic coach of your own before each game. And isn't there a certain game maxim that says to 'stress the kicking game'. How's that been working for ya? 6. Pigeon Forge - A poor man's Branson. Where else are you gonna find a store that sells only Dukes of Hazzard memorabilia? 5. The Sting - I think this has been discussed ad nauseum. 4. The 'woo' in Rocky Top - Volfan38742-387 has it covered 3. Rocky Top - Does the band not know any other songs? How many other schools have a fight song about bestiality and chasin' dem cotton-pickin' revenuers off'en my land? Ain't no smoggy smoke on Rocky Top? Hell, ain't no dental care practitioners either. It's a sad, sad day when a 'prestigious' university must steal a hillbilly anthem and use it as their fight song. 2. Fulmer is really fat - While a coach's enormous waistline is normally not a reason a team sucks, Fulmer's lard ass has severely eroded smack talk. It is almost too easy, and really requires little imagination to make fun of. But on the plus side, it does make for some farking goodness. 1. Pick a shade of orange and go with it - This pisses me off to no end. Not only did Tennessee pick one hideous technicolor for the school colors (there's a reason you don't see orange cars on a new car lot, people), but they can't even decide which God awful shade to go with. Never is it more evident than on the sidelines when Fulmer's sweatshirt is about 3 shades darker than the 'T' on his cap. Everytime I see that neon color of urnge, it takes me back to the time I vomited up some bad hot wings.

Fulmer Farks

(Credit: Fark Board)

Monday, October 16, 2006

An LWS Exclusive: Mike Shula gets Candid in a One on One Interview

I was amazed to get the chance to interview the Coach of the Alabama Crimson Tide. His face has graced the cover of magazines ranging from Athlon to National Geographic. I am speaking of the one , the only, Mike Shula. He agreed to do a light dinner at Taco Bell before he had to rush off and do a coaching clinic at a small high school nearby. He ordered a rather hardy meal consisting of 5 soft shell tacos and a Belle Grande Nacho Supreme while I opted for a Diet Coke.

As the interview was about to begin, it seemed he was staring off at something just behind my left shoulder. Upon turning, I realized nothing was there, and that perhaps his eye had drifted off. I chalked it up to his busy schedule and proceeded. LWS: John Parker Wilson (pictured below). He has really beefed up for his role as your starting quarterback. When we last saw him as Brodie Croyle's backup, he could barely fill out a pair of half-britches and a wool vest. Now it seems his rifle arm is being shown everywhere. What was it like to touch that Joe-Willie like arm?

MS: It was spectacular. But also kind of weird. He would always come up and ask me to touch his throwing arm. Between plays, y'know? Of course I'd oblige, but he always laughed like he was high or something. LWS: Intriguing. I'm hoping for quite an extensive behind-the-scenes extra on the rumor that you are going to "turn it on" for the big Tennessee game this weekend? MS: Yes, actually. We have had a plan in place for several months just for Tennessee. We played "vanilla" for the first half of the season camouflaging our explosiveness and our complex offensive schemes. Duke, Hawaii , Vandy Ole Miss and Florida were just feints, ruses and deceptions.I gotta watch my back, MTV is pushing that Hoover guy…Rush Probst (below)…all over the local media here. Gotta make him go away. Thank God for the KeepMikeShula website. The Bama fans love it and I really don't think that they "get" it. But hey, that's OK too. Nobody is the wiser.

It was at this point that I realized he was flexing and relaxing his biceps rapidly, a coy grin vapidly sitting upon his rather wide classic visage. I glanced at his arm , and pointed my pen at it. LWS: It seems you are working out as well. Are you on a new routine? MS: I am working out. Wanna feel? I nodded, and rather prodded his right bicep with my pen. Indeed , the muscle was rock hard and bristled at the barest touch angrily. MS: Actually, it was Coach [Name Redacted] who hooked me up with these totally kick ass anabolic-androgenic steroids. After like...a week of use I could feel my ass totally firming up. I almost choked on a small sip of diet coke while he continued in an eerily non-chalant manner. MS: I wear a ton of Under Armour stuff, since Auburn wears Under Armour; I believe that through wearing Auburn gear, I can really understand how Tubberville's mind works. I need to get some of Tubberville's Click Clack.

Suddenly, his drifting range of sight made a disturbing amount of sense. LWS: I...see. Are you aware that steroids have certain side effects that are not good? MS: Oh, totally. My wax bill every week is phenomenal. Let's just say I hope the Tennessee game goes as well as the last one, or I'm screwed. You should have seen the hair they got off my shoulders the other day. It looked like a cat stuck to fly-paper.

(I am hairy where it counts)

As I proceeded to actually choke on my soft drink, Shula must have discovered a discrepancy in his order as he flung a soft shell taco to the table in disgust. MS: WHAT THE FUCK? I ASKED FOR EXTRA SOUR CREAM. THOSE FUCKING DOUCHE-BAG RETARDS FUCKED UP MY TACO. I'M GONNA FUCKIN' CHOKE THEM! For a brief moment, based on the sheer explosiveness of the outburst, I thought that Ed "Batshit Crazy" Orgeron had entered the restaurant. I quickly recovered and made the mistake of trying to restrain the now enraged Coach Shula , but he shrugged me off like a golden retriever shedding water. After picking myself out of a nearby booth, I could only watch in horror as he made good on his threat to choke the cook. After about 20 minutes of a more than ample use of the phrases "Illiterate Ole Miss Rejects" and "douche-bag retards" , Coach Shula and I were escorted to the parking lot where I finished the interview. LWS: What are your future plans, once you are done with the Alabama franchise? MS: You mean after I have my people track down that motherfucker's (Taco Bell employee) address so I can beat the shit out of his family? I don't know. Probably another coming-of-age teen drama. He smiled at me then, crushed my fingers in a farewell handshake, and promptly left me sitting on a handicapped parking space bumper to contemplate the past hour of my life. Ole Miss Fans: Don't ever screw up a taco for a coach juiced up on steroids.

The Great Crimson Lie...

Originally posted by McallieDawg on Volquest Chat (click title for link) If you read the NCAA records (online), you won't be left with a sense that Bama can legitimately claim 12 NCs. When you hear a Bammer fan say that Bammer has 12 NCs, you can immediately confront the LIE. Here are THE FACTS: 1925: There was no national champion (or championship) in 1925. Without exception, every poll mentioned in the NCAA record book was assigned retroactively no less than 1 year later, and as many as 55 years later. The two polling methods Bammer quotes are Helms (applied retroactively in 1941) and Football Annual/College Football Researchers Association (whose retroactive application of their method was no earlier than 1982, and is described in the NCAA Record Book as "conducted on a poll by Harry Carson Frye"). Who the hell is Harry Carson Frye? A Bammer? I just didn't get a good feeling about this, so I did a little more research. What I found was that Dartmouth appears to have the only legitimate claim to the 1925 championship, as the method used (Dickinson) came into being prior to 1925, although it was not marketed to newspapers until 1926. Dickinson's method seems to be the first to employ strength-of-schedule and a trophy (the Rissman Trophy). There is a lengthy write-up about the Dickinson poll on the USC website ( m-footbl/spec-rel/101504aah.html); if you read it, it's pretty obvious that this was the prevailing method of the day. Scratch the alleged 1925 championship. This Bammer lie has been exposed and repudiated. 1926: According to Dickinson (the poll in use in 1926), Stanford is the 1926 National Champion. But wait a minute, the Bammers say... Alabama tied Stanford in its final game of the season (the Rose Bowl), and both were otherwise undefeated. The question is - was Dickinson applied after the head-to-head matchup? The answer is YES - check the Stanford website - Stanford received the Rissman Trophy. If there's any doubt - Notre Dame (believe it or not) has/had permanent possession of the Rissman Trophy; it may have an inscription indicating the 1926 National Champion. My guess is that it's got "Stanford" next to "1926", but if you want to be sure, call the Notre Dame Athletic Department; maybe they can tell you for sure. Without any better information.... Scratch the alleged 1926 championship. Another Bammer lie exposed and repudiated. 1930: Notre Dame is ranked #1 by 9 of the 13 polls recognized by the NCAA records for 1930. Of the 13 polls, only three were actually used in 1930: Dickinson, Boand, and Houlgate, and all three selected Notre Dame. The modern day NCAA consensus pick is also Notre Dame. Scratch the alleged 1930 championship. Another Bammer lie exposed and repudiated. 1934: Here's our first potential dilemma. Of the polls in use mentioned in the NCAA records, six are actually in existence in 1934, and they're evenly split between Minnesota and Bammer. The edge would seem to be in Minnesota's favor (Dickinson picked'em), but if we look further at the NCAA data, on p. 89, the modern-day NCAA consensus pick is Minnesota - who also at least shared the 1935 National Championship with SMU (who lost in their bowl game to Stanford). Minnesota also won the 1936 National Championship outright. Scratch the alleged 1934 championship. Another Bammer lie exposed and repudiated. 1941: Woops.... it's Minnesota again. Of the seven polls in existence at the time, Minnesota comes out on top in six (including Dickinson, and the Associated Press). Bammer comes out on top in only one (existing) poll, and no retroactive polls. But it gets better! During the season, Bammer lost to Vanderbilt (who ended the season unranked according to the AP) and Mississippi State (who ended the season ranked #16 according to the AP). AP puts Bammer at #20. No question here... Scratch the alleged 1941 championship. Another Bammer lie exposed and repudiated. 1961: No doubt here - it's Bammer's first National Championship. 1964: Sorry Bammer! No cigar!: Bammer was undefeated until it lost to #5 Texas (who was the unanimous 1963 National Champion) in the Orange Bowl. And if you can't beat #5, then you can't be #1. Isn't this obvious? Scratch the alleged 1964 championship. Another Bammer lie exposed and repudiated. 1965: Not much doubt here - Michigan State loses its bowl game, and Bammer moves up to #1 from #4. Bear gets National Championship #2. 1973: Sorry Bammer, no cigar here! #1 ranked Bammer plays #4 Notre Dame in the Sugar Bowl - and LOSES 24-23. Notre Dame moves up to #1, and is the consensus National Champion; to say Bammer is better than Notre Dame in 1973 is beyond delusional - it's an outright lie. The only reason Bammers claim they were National Champions in 1973 is because, at that time, the UPI poll didn't consider bowl games as the AP and other polls did. It would seem to most people that if you can't beat #4, then you can't be #1, but a deception based on an outdated poll is good enough for the Mullet Nation... Scratch the alleged 1973 championship. Another Bammer lie exposed and repudiated. 1978: Looks like a winner... Bammer loses early in the season to USC, but not long after, USC loses to Arizona State. Both win their bowl games, and finish 10-1. Bammer wins the AP poll, USC the UPI poll. It's Bammer's third National Championship. 1979: No question here... Bammer's 4th National Championship. 1992: No question here either - Bammer's 5th National Championship. ------------------------------------------------- SO..... in review: 12 - 7 = 5. FIVE NCs. And five only. Now that we know the correct number... what would have happened had the NCAA uncovered the corruption at Bammer back in 1958? I dare say there would be ZERO national championships, and perhaps several hundred FELONY CONVICTIONS...

Bama Fan to Return Home. Auburn Students Protest

When I heard that Auburn students were gathering to protest the return of Bama fan Nathan Davis to the State of Alabama (Davis is planning on attending the Iron Bowl) by performing a group vomit, this was my first thought: Silly Barners. My second thought was: I gotta get in on this. I decided to practice my vomiting in the passenger seat of my Ford Expedition on the way to Auburn. I downed several fistfuls of the tiny bottles of Absolut that my Uma Thurman- looking wife kept handing me as fast as I could pour them down my throat. Then I leaned forward into the plastic garbage bag and tried to repulse myself with the image of Nathan Davis. Davis made internet history last year by displaying his hideous and garish tattoos all over SEC Message Boards. A brief description of the tattoos follows:
A Crimson Tide elephant adorns his right bicep, and a tattoo of the late Paul "Bear" Bryant decorates the left one. A likeness of former UA quarterback Kenny "Snake" Stabler is tattooed inside his right forearm and the Alabama state flag is sketched inside his left one. He has a matching set of signature Alabama A's inside each of his biceps, which he shows off when he flexes his muscles in the gym, and another one just below his Adam's apple. The outside of each of his forearms spells out the words "Rammer" and "Jammer," from the UA victory cheer. His "masterpiece", which cost $3,500 and took a couple of years to complete, is a portrait of Bryant leaning against a goalpost and wearing his trademark houndstooth hat. It covers the bulk of Davis' massive back.
No vomit was forthcoming. Was I a Bama-Monger after living here for over 3 years? No, that could not be it. Just last week I'd cursed out a Bammer who took a little too long crossing against a light on Ross Clark Circle in Dothan, but I had managed to refrain from smearing her under the tires of my SUV even though I couldn't catch the green. In true Bammer tradition, I spit Red Man at her and called her kids ugly bastards. So I waited ten minutes, availing myself of with an old copy of Sports Illustrated featuring "Bama's Back". No dice, not even the feature story on the impending doom on the SEC because of the Tide's return back to the national spotlight was imminent was going to work. I must really like Bama, I thought. I conjured a breaking-news tableau where Davis had announced his own unique and Bammer- proofed computer software to enhance photos. This made me sad, but my stomach was still cast-iron and unshakeable.
(Screenshot of the application has user friendly icons like Rebel Flags, sheep, money, ice cream cones and Bear Bryant that is virtually idiot proofed for any Alabama Fan to use) A confusing collage of alcohol-fueled imagery, but no nausea. I was starting to feel mighty homerish. I couldn't even puke on a cocktail of collateral damage and Rivals homoerotica. I knew that I would never join the stomach-voiding protest. I passed the time staring out the window put away beer after beer while watching each small lil Bammer town pass by. Thinking to myself that this state really was just dial-up while everyone else was cable modem. Somewhere around my tenth pint of Foster's, I joined the anti-Bama movement. As I remembered this quote from Nathan: 'Sir, my mama always told me it doesn't make a difference how you find God, as long as you find him. And through UA, Bear Bryant, and Van Tiffin, I have found God.'

Pick 'Em Results

Everyone not calling themselves Volfan90210 had a good week. Three and seven?!?! Irishjihad maintains his 3 game lead over Big Papi, while Cincinatti Bowtie is now only 4 games back. Last Week 1. Tie: Cincinatti Bowtie & LWS (8-2) 3. Tie: Big Papi, Lloyd Braun, Grill Viper, & IrishJihad (7-3) 7. Volfan90210 (3-7) Overall Standings 1. Irishjihad (63-15) 2. Big Papi (60-18) 3. Cincinatti Bowtie (59-19) 4. Grill Viper (55-23) 5. Lloyd Braun (53-25) 6. Volfan8675309 (50-28) 7. LWS (49-29)

Sunday, October 15, 2006

Sweet Caroline and Frank Beamer's Broken Lunch Pail

"Thank God for Miami"-Frank Beamer
ESPN cameras caught it all, every fumble, every interception, every personal foul, every embarrassing bit.

There were Virginia Tech's defensive players, including leaders Aaron Rouse and Vince Hall, pointing at each other and bickering after giving up the final touchdown. Later, inexplicably, there was linebacker Brenden Hill swaying as the band played "Sweet Caroline."

"It's been a little shaky in Blacksburg" Kirk Herbstreit noted after watching Hokie players fighting on the sidelines during the loss to Boston College. Is Frank Beamer losing control of his program? Or did he ever really have control of the program? Herbstreit further stated that the Hokies attracted players that were more interested in the NFL than Virginia Tech. The Hokies 10-34 record against top-10 teams should clearly demonstrate that the Lunch Pail Program (see below) might have a broken handle. Wanna read some funny shit? Check the Marcus Vick Fast Facts The Lunch Pail's History
  1. The Lunch Pail was created before the 1995 season.
  2. The Lunch Pail has been to 108 games and 13 straight Bowl games.
  3. It has held turf from 47 opponents' fields.

The Lunch Pail proves that with hard work, comes heavy payoff. Much like a workman's lunch box, the VT lunch pail symbolizes the Hokies' blue-collar approach.

Work Ethic
Togetherness/Team Unity

Photo Essay of Urban's Fall

(Already on his back foot, a nudge was all that was required here)
(UGA, I run to the left 99% of the time)
(Leak, frozen with fear, attempts to give the ball away)
(In a rare photo, Leak looks for a Tiger in order to deliver some punishment)
(This guy had a good day, he finally made a field goal)
(Marcus has the munchies)
(It's OK Chris, I fear contact too)

Saturday, October 14, 2006

Urban Meyer's Post Game Comments. A little long but very "pleasurable"

Urban Meyer's Post Game Conference Comments (Editor Note, this is the very close transcript to Urban's Postgame Conference. We were able to capture Meyer's unspoken thoughts (in italics). Yes, We are mind readers.) Hattip to GT Gator (not his real name)for these notes. Support Urban and Tebow with this 100x100 Avatar. Perfect for message boards. (Thanks el brujo) Or this small bannner Here is the transcript Coach is a cinderblock, non-descript room. There is a podium and there are microphones... but there does not appear to be a moderator. ----------- Q. ? A. I thought his hand was going forward. We ran a play action pass to get him out on the edge.. edge pressure... I gotta watch the film, but obviously you can't have it.... you can't win that kind of game. {Like the LSU Game, we got all the calls. It was what they call home cooking down here? Right? Bear Bryant was the pioneer in that? Right?} Q. ... and then you get the ball back and throw the interception. [Can't make it out]... Kentucky game throwing off his back foot. A. [slight smile] (I always believes that Chris Leak chokes. That fucking CBS writer put me in a pickle. I had to stick with Leak…Shit… Classic don’t like contact shit…makes me ill) Q. What do you say to a senior QB who knows better than to turn the ball over in key situations? What can you say? A. You say that you're on a team and you're a group of seniors .. your first place in the SEC... you've got two weeks to go play in one of the great rivalry games of college football. (And finally I say to him: Step and take the fucking hit Chris, you are killing us.) Our job is to go compete for the SEC championship and that is what we are currently doing. We lost to a good team in a tough environment.... I don't know... what do you want me to say? Just don't do that... and let's get a little better and we'll practice extremely hard not to let that happen again (by moving Tebow in as the starter. Fuck the media) Q... Do you feel like the turning point was when Wilbur dropped the punt and you were still ahead? A... [Runs hand through hair] Yep. (He reminds me of horse) Q... Did he say anything extra... that's what happened? A... That's what happened. (Were you at the same game as us? What the fuck do you think happened?) Q... Did you have a chance to see what happened on that play? [Urban dabs his eyes] Punter's fault... snapper's fault? A... [slight pause, shakes head] I tell ya... I'll let you know more after I watch film. It's.... to sit here and stand up in front of a bunch of people and start blaming people.... [can't quite make out next few words sounds like several variations of the F word again] ... scored... should have not done that... should have not done a couple of other things that is part of college football. Q... Did you ever answer that question about the Leak fumble? A... [starts to shake his head in a "no" direction then says] Yea.. he shouldn't do that.... (he won’t do that again because its going to be hard to fumble a clip board) Q.... [from a diff person] You challenged it... what did you see on the field? A.... Shouldn't do that. It's fumble, then I thought it was an incomplete pass.. that is why we challenged it. I just had a guy tell me he thought it was an incomplete pass. I mean of course I'll watch it on video.... I guess it has to be evidence or whatever they say... (it has to be a forward pass. LSU Homecooking payback hell? Well I ‘m the new kid on the block and I really should just shut my my mouth. This ain’t the MAC or WAC) Q... You gotta live with it. You gotta live with the call. A... That's what you gotta do. That's what we have to do. We gotta get cleaned up and go home and try to keep our first place standing in the SEC that's the number one thing. (reaches for another tissue) How ya do that you gotta get a lot better... that's the problem. That's what we gotta do... gotta get a lot better. Q... How surprised were you that you only had the ball for about [tough to make out... "nine" something... minutes in the first half maybe?] A... Yeah we had I think three drives... scored on two of 'em.. then we had a safety... lot of crucial errors... that... and then special teams did not play well tonight... because it seemed like we didn't ..... Obviously we gave up that one score.. which.... we didn't drive em out....we usually play on that side of the field and it didn't happen tonight. Q... You guys [?] pretty well in the first half... moved the ball.... well you scored every time except the safety.... and then the second time... A... [He's warming up to the questions a bit now... he still looks like he is having dental work... but less invasive dental work] [cuts questioner off] We got the run game going.. their best players are their defensive ends.. and we felt like we did not want to get in that kind of a game because it was a silent snap count with the noise and .... obviously that hurt us when we started getting in those situations. We went through a couple of drives where we didn't really have a second down. They're big chunk after chunk right down the field... and we were on schedule. On schedule means it run action and play action passes and when we are doing that we are pretty good... but when we are forced to pass in that environment... like I remember what Auburn did to Alabama last year that's their deal and we can't be in that kind of situation. Even in the 4th quarter to go down there and win the game ... we felt like we were on schedule... we started putting the ball in some of our athletes hands... I felt like Bubba Caldwell was running extremely hard... and ... but it... the whole.. in this kind of game you gotta stay on schedule and obviously we did not. Q... Your gut feel about this team. Do you feel they'll come back and... A... [Cuts off question] .. Absolutely as soon as I put (with emphasis) My quarterback (Tebow)in. Q... Why? Why will they come back? A... Because they work extremely hard. I think this is a different team. You know last year we lost championship on ... I thought we gave away...... the first thing is... the first thing you have to understand is I saw what Georgia did, I saw... we played Tennessee already... this is a tough ass conference man. That's part of the deal. Want to sit and worry about it and blame people? You're talking to the right guy... (It’s always somebody elses fault damnit, not my fault.) Anxious to get back to work and correct problems. (Chris Leak... gotta move on. Tebow is the answer. The Gator Nation will love me if I do that, they hate Chris) Q... Is this a good time then to have a bye week? A... Yeah... we're beat up a little bit. Get a bye week getting ready to play a talented team we play in two weeks. So focus is on... we gotta win the next game some how.... and we gotta find a way to spin this so the blame is on someone else besides me. I don't know our injury situation so we gotta see where were at. Q... Is this as difficult a loss as you have had as the head coach? A... Sure. Q... Why? A... Everyone.. everyone of them... I can tell you every one and I can tell you all about it and tell you... can't remember many wins... I guess that is one of the problems as coach... (I get to emotional and lose focus of what I need to do to win,) but I can tell you every loss and I can remember exactly what happened. That's not good. Q.... So this is the toughest one you think? A... [Shrugs] I don't know... Yea. (sobs a bit) Q... How did DeShawn perform after his first time back... A... Okay.. first half he was going pretty good.... second half, I don't know.. we were... it is just (sniffs audibly)... you know for me to make comments right now... I know me better than that... (I really like to denigrate my players as I can.) Q... What did [a little to low for me to hear] about the personal foul. A... Yeah that was a big one. The kid.... they run a throw back to the QB and his job was to be there and he said he didn't... he said.... I don't if you guys saw the tape, he said he just shoulder padded the guy and they called it. (Fuck, we clubbed Cox in the head twice and got away with it. Pissed me off that they call that kinda foul ..considering the other shit we did to him (cox).) Q.... There was just now way getting momentum back it seemed. A... Yeah 3rd quarter then the special teams screwed it up.... yeah I felt the same way you did. We played the game on the bad side of the field. Then you [something like “fuck” or close to it] back and play some defense and get some plays on offense and we get back down there and make a mistake and Leak gives it away. Q.... something about AU's defense. A... Yea they should they're an excellent defense. They're very good players on defense. My senior QB gift wraps passes to their DBs? He made them look like all Americans…(Kleenex again). (Chris is deathly afraid of getting hit. Ever notice that the CBS or ESPN cameras constantly show him on the sidelines with his helmet off? Well, get used to seeing him on the sidelines wearing a headset with a clipboard. I might start using him on the kickoff team as a wedge buster.) Q.... What'd you think of the atmosphere? A... It's the SEC... very good atmosphere. (Not as good as Bowling Green but good in a weird way) Have a good night. (I am going to go get in a good cry session) [Walks out]

Miami FIU Brawl Video

Sweet Jesus!!! Satan's Army Loses at The Barn

We will provide comments tomorrow with pics. What a glorious day!! If anyone has video of Urban's Postgame Conference contact us at loserwithsocks @

Friday, October 13, 2006

Big Papi Picks 'Em...Lightning Round

You're an idiot for picking my team in a big game!
Yeah, fuck off Les. Thanks for gift wrapping that Florida game last week. Lesson learned...never pick a team coached by Les Miles in a big game. Put that one on the same list as "Never play poker with a guy named after a city." As last week, I am in a bit of a hurry and unable to write a full out explanation for all my picks. Last week it was just because I forgot and didn't want to cut into my drinking time. This week it's because I am at a wedding...for people I don't even like. If my wife wasn't in it, there is no way in hell I would be here. With Tennessee on bye this week, I was really looking forward to sitting around fully relaxed (and drunk) and watching everyone else's games. Instead I have to put on a damn suit (Papi doesn't do suits) and watch two annoying people swear away the rest of their lives. Yay. One bar. Anway...enough of my bitching. On to the picks (and like last week, I'll be throwing out my confidence level) Home teams in bold 10 point game- West Virginia over Syracuse 9 point game- Louisville over Cincinnati 8 point game- USC over Arizona State 7 point game- Ohio State over Michigan State 6 point game- Michigan over Penn State 5 point game- Rutgers over Navy 4 point game- Oregon over UCLA 3 point game- Missouri over Texas A&M 2 point game- Maryland over Virginia 1 point game- Auburn over Florida Last week's record: 8-2 Record to date: 50-10