Monday, August 28, 2006

Crompton Speaks

As part of our 2006 preview, I'll be sitting down and chatting with Tennessee Quarterback Jon Crompton Its a beautiful day today as I sit down with the star. We are having a working lunch dining al fresco at a rather small undisclosed restaurant in Knoxville. He has ordered a BLT with extra mayo, a raspberry ice tea. I have ordered the usual; a spanish omelette. (By the way, some of no humor freaks need to know that these interviews are fictional, so please stop threatening me) JOESHITTHERAGMAN: First of all, I'd like to start by saying that I am a huge fan of your work. Your flawless physique and boyish charm has captured the hearts of millions Volquest and Gridscape members. My first question concerns the fame. Who would have known that a young boy infatuated with sequins would end up having panties thrown at him every time he leaves the field. How do you cope? Jon Crompton: Well, it has been a roller coaster. That is for sure. I remember in high school when I was participating in State Playoffs, I was ridiculed quite a bit. Did you say sequins? I will let that slide because your little blog was mentioned on Deadspin. Watch your step… JOE: Uhh, ok, sorry. The ladies (ladies include Volquesters too) do enjoy watching you I bet. Anything come to mind? That is worth mentioning? JC: Well, one time this fat-ass woman {Interviewer thought: Possible volquester?}tried to throw her bra at me. I guess she couldn't undo the 16 or so clasps maintaining the two huge breasts, so everyone lining up for an autograph slowly turned to watch her sweat. Her shirt came up a little bit during her struggles, and I still laugh at the collective gasp at the sight of all those stretch marks. This was during Orange and White Spring game. JOE: Ahh, yes. You were splendid in that outing. How you captured the spirit of a young pre-pubescent girl coming of age amidst such turbulent times is electrifying. Did you do any prep for the role? JC: You are a sick bastard. Frogg and Ainge warned me about you. I will totally kick your ass like you’re a geek in P.E. Dodgeball. I can totally make you fall over and cry. You know I have kicked geek ass before? Once, at the Volquest BBQ, I totally made this fat guy fall over and cry. His shirt came up a little bit to expose the bottom of a roll. {Note to self} At this point I felt somewhat uncomfortable with the second mentioning of an overweight person's clothing rising, so I pretended to need a drink of my water. Upon composing myself, I continued. JOE: Right. I suppose you are almost famous for being stalked in both cyberspace and real-time. Specifically, by members of Volquest. The overtures from Spurrier during the recruiting process nearly created a total message board meltdown. Did you train extensively for the role? JC: Oh, hell yeah. I do a lot of physical activity, if you know what I mean, but nothing compares to staring intensely at Josh McNeil. I remember one day I made a great pass, what I believe was a deep post to Austin Rogers, I sprinted down the field pumping my fists in jubilation. Anyway, we had had a couple QB-Center exchanges earlier and McNeil was really pissed. So as I'm getting ready for the final snap, I look up and he is bent over the snack table and mashing bear claws into his mouth like there is no tomorrow. My green no-contact jersey was slung over one shoulder and you could like, totally see his shirt rising up to expose his butt crack. I totally lost it and Coach Cutcliffe almost strangled me. Again, I had to pause, yet this time I couldn't let the third Fat comment slip pass. JOE: That is the third time you have mentioned the exposure of skin produced by some physical effort on an obese person's behalf. Care to explain? JC: Well, its funny y'know? I dunno. Have you ever seen a skinny person's shirt rise up like magic when they are reaching for a steak sandwich? Maybe it’s because I don't like fat people. There was a long pause at this point. I couldn't believe that America's. No, the Tennessee Volunteers Sweetheart had just claimed a dislike of fat people. As a dedicated journalist, I had to pursue. JOE: You...dislike fat people? Perhaps I misunderstood-- JC: No. I fuckin' hate them. I couldn't stand any recruitin visits with Coach Fridgen or the guy at Kansas. I thought about poisoning them during a visit. Don't even get me started on Charlie Weiss, fat bastard. JOE: You wanted to poison them? JC: Yeah. Wouldn't that be ironic? Killed by eating? I didn't do it because Heath Shuler told me it would kill my career. . Chilled by his unemotional display, I suppressed a shudder and forged on. JOE: Why do you have such a fierce loathing of those of extra dimensions? JC: I'm beautiful. But I worked for it. I worked my ass off. Literally. If these lard-asses can't get off their can for five minutes and do a few sit-ups a day, then I have no time for them. All my friends are beautiful. I love skinny chicks. Though I've heard fat chicks need love too. I guess all I'm saying is put the DoubleStuff Oreos down and try some Slim Fast instead. JOE: I...see. Frankly, Jon-- JC: Call me Mr. Crompton, douche bag. JOE: Did you call me a douche bag? At this point Mr. Crompton made his voice high pitched began to mimic my every word JC: Did you call me a douche bag? JOE: I don't see any need for this type of behavior. JC: I don't see any need for this type of behavior. I realized that pursuing this interview further would be fruitless, so I quickly ran from the table and left him with the check.

2 comments:

irishjihad said...

Mmmmmmm....Double Stuff Oreos

THE REAL VIPER said...

I just jazzed all over myself while pondering Desean Jackson..... Nice interview.