Saturday, August 26, 2006

Ainge-E, Ainge-E

As part of our 2006 preview, I'll be sitting down and chatting with the Tennessee Vols Quarterback Erik Ainge. Here is how it went: (Note: backup QB Jon Crompton's Interview is here) Joe: Erik, it's truly an honour to be in your humble presence.

Erik Ainge: I have a problem with your usage of the word 'honour.' Could you please use the American spelling?

JOE: But, how do you know how I spelled it-we're, verbally...right now...

ERIK: Uh... I guess. I'm a little confused here, I thought I was going to be talking to someone from a regular news organization. What are you? Like twelve?

JOE: I'll be twenty-four in June... and I am from a regular new organization. I'm from... Volquest. I'm Brent Hubbs. I just shaved and dyed my hair for a new look. You like it?

ERIK: Oh, I know. I know all. I will say that I am a big fan of your Site, I read it all of the time.

JOE: All right then, Erik. Here's the first question, you little fucking twerp.

ERIK: Why are the lights so dim? Your not Brent Hubbs. Are you the guy who sits in his car after games, who drinks beer and watches us leave the lockerroom. He creeps me out.

JOE: Uh, no I am not that weird. As for the lights, I thought it would make a better mood for an interview.

ERIK: Is that Barry White I hear playing?

JOE: Just a little mood music. Why don't you take a sip of your wine and relax?

ERIK: Turn up the lights and turn off the music... NOW!

JOE: Okay... okay... I guess I'll get to my questions. Let's see here...

ERIK: You know, it's not very professional of you to have your questions written on... what is that you have your questions written on?

JOE: They're “CheesePaper” from my Hardees Monsterbuger wrapper. The backs of them make great scrap paper. My questions aren’t as probing and insightful as I first believed it would be. So, next question: What do you think of today's military technology?

ERIK: I thought this was about football?

JOE: Erik, I've reviewed the Volquest The Generals Quarters and it is fucking boring. Do you think you can make a comment or two? Keep the psychos a little more edgy? Maybe throw in some pictures...a centerfold?

ERIK: I think we have a huge athletic advantage over our opponents. I mean they're a bunch of dumb turds with second hand Nike gear. And, with my advanced passing accuracy, we can avoid turnovers.

JOE: Boy, if I had a dollar for every time I've heard you say that - I'd have about six dollars. Erik, I regret to tell you, but there is a Quarterback controversy brewing amongst the zealots. Erik, it has to be asked: as each side digs their heels in to the...internet, relations between both sides appear to be getting more and more sour. The pro-Crompton supporters refuse to accept a Coach Cut’s educated evaluation, the other guys are insisting upon're further apart than...two points that are really far apart from one another. So, how are you gonna resolve this big old mess of a situation when y'all hate each other more than Brad and Jennifer?

ERIK: Oh, perhaps the Crompton camp is bitter with myself and the coaches, but there's no acrimony on our part. None whatsoever.

JOE: But in a news release issued last week by the Tennessean, you claimed that the Generals Quarters was responsible for the genocide in Darfur and the successful music career of Hillary Duff.

ERIK: Well, if you look at the facts, you'll see that that cannot be ruled out.

JOE: I see. I've heard you take a great interest in continuing advances in technology for pass blocking.

ERIK: Yes, I demand a lot from our O-Line. When I ask something to be done, I don't take "I can't" or "That's not possible in either classical or quantum physics" for an answer.

JOE: So what's one of your latest creations? I read on the EDSBS Blog that you created a computer that can increase its speed by stealing computing power from its doppelganger in an alternate dimension.


JOE: Then won't there be an Erik Ainge in an alternate dimension extremely pissed by how his computing power is being sucked away?

ERIK: Fuck him! Obviously I thought of this first. Then again, if I know me, he would be plotting revenge.

JOE: Why do you think the Big Orange Nation and the three people in the Mexico who actually give a shit about the Vols seem to have overwhelmingly sided with you and the Coaching staff in this controversy, as opposed to the Generals Quarters?

ERIK: Clearly because I'm so popular. The people love me.

JOE: One's greatest enemy is always themselves. Anyway, I sometime hear you referred to as Danny Ainge. Can I have your autograph?

ERIK: Danny is my uncle, you asshole.

JOE: So you don’t know Larry Bird?

ERIK: I didn't say that.

JOE: So let's see... what were my other questions...Heh heh, Lloyd Braun is so lazy.

ERIK: I am growing impatient.

JOE: What's it like working with David Cutcliffe?

ERIK: His warmongering is useful to me, but he is an old man, and I am the future. I have plans way beyond his.

JOE: What plans?

ERIK: Nothing for you to know about.

JOE: You don't plan on becoming some supervillan and then take over the world, do you?

ERIK: No comment.

JOE: My God, I bet you already have a hollowed out volcano.

ERIK: I don't like where these questions are going.

JOE: Can I help you come up with a supervillian name? How about “Stud Earrings?

ERIK: You really are dick

JOE: Could I at least be one of your minions?

ERIK: Maybe... just stop talking about the diamond earrings.

JOE: Right. As I speak with you today Erik, one week before the 2006 season officially starts, things aren't looking good. With more and more fans convinced the entire season will be wiped out entirely, what do you say to Mexicans devastated about the fact that they will not be able to watch the Music City Bowl last year?

ERIK: Look, I bleed Orange. Every night before I go to bed, I cry myself to sleep because of all of the exciting SEC action that I am missing right now. The possibility that I won't be able to present the World Series...thingy to the winning team in August at the conclusion of the causes me untold amounts of agony.

JOE: There there. Have a Kleenex. World Series thingy? Are you insane? By the way Erik, the SEC season starts next week.

ERIK: (sniffing audibly) Thank you.

JOE: Uh, please...please stop touching me.

ERIK: I'm sorry. I just love basketball so much. I get very passionate.

JOE: Don't you mean Football?

ERIK: Yes, yes. I love it too. Even more.

JOE: Mr. Ainge, have you been able to gauge what kind of an impact the internet message boards have on the coaches?

ERIK: If I may set the record straight, it is inaccurate to refer to the current dispute as a controversy. It is a 'player access restriction'...

JOE:....I can't remember the question I asked you....

ERIK:...Whatever it was, I'm glad you asked me. Every season ticket holder for the Vols has written me, expressing their concern about the present situation the Coach Fulmer finds himself in. Here. Look. (The Erik hands Joe a sheet of paper.)

JOE: This is just one letter.

ERIK: Yes. From the poster known as Dukecrewfan,from that city...wherever the Predators play, are devastated about the fact that they won't be able to see any "Exciting Vols Football" this season. Trademark.

JOE: Wow...the QB Dilemma is really is having an impact. Do you worry that the game will struggle if and when the dispute is resolved, especially in uh, how shall I say, non-traditional markets such as India?

ERIK: I am concerned, but our loyal fans will come back around when they remember all of the excitement of today's SEC. The clutching, the grabbing, the total disregard for the enforcement of any pass inteference rules, the stultifying commitment to defense-first, run to setup the pass, the utter lack of creativity, the defensive linemen whose bloated equipment make them look like some form of modified Michelin Man...

JOE: Have you ever thought about doing something to draw more interest in your plight?

ERIK: Like what do you mean?

JOE: I was thinking a swimsuit calendar. Everyone loves swimsuit calendars.

ERIK: I don't think that would be appropriate.

JOE: Come on. I got some swimsuits here for you to choose from and the camera is all ready.

ERIK: I'm not comfortable with this.

JOE: Don't be so shy. You have a great body... (cough) (gag)

ERIK: You touched my leg!

JOE: (gag) (cough)

ERIK: Don't be such a baby; I barely collapsed your throat.

JOE: Anyway (cough) thanks for giving me your time. Perhaps we can (cough) do this again sometime.

ERIK: Not if I get a restraining order first.

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