Thursday, August 31, 2006

BFF...

Chris Simms just made himself an immortal lock for the Incredibly Gay Hall of Fame. That's right...Chrissy and his best pal Kyle Shanahan have such a close relationship, they got each other's initials tattooed on their calves. Apparently their matching BFF bracelets weren't enough. Someone please clue these dipshits in that its not cool, under any circumstances, for a dude to get another dude's initials tatted on any part of his body....especially the calf. They should have just got matching ones with the initials F A G. The only person that likes this move is Esera Tuaolo. He's got to be thrilled that he is no longer the only openly gay player in pro-sports history. Check out this quote from Shanahan...
I got one out of loyalty to my buddies. Now, Chris, he got one the size of his calf, but I didn't want one that big because I didn't want to show off.
Translation...I'm not ready to come out of the closet just yet. Seriously, in the macho world of the NFL, can you imagine Simms showing off his "new cool tat" to his teammates on the Bucs? Half the team is going to demand a trade on the spot. I'm sure Tampa center, John Wade is going to be real comfortable bending over and having Simms shove his hands in his crotch. A long snap count is just playing with it, Chrissy. My only question is if the tattoos came with a complimentary bottle of anal lube.

Kicking it with The Chief, Prep for Cal

As part of our 2006 preview, I met up with the man known as the “The Chief”, a prominent Tennessee Volunteers Defensive Coach. In response to the total Vol news overload*, I curled up Wednesday night in the nice, safe dog basket of the back room of impossibly exclusive Knoxville Tennessee watering hole The Emerald Club to review the Practice Notes and Nuggets from Volquest. The Chief and I sipped Long Island Ice Teas out of wine flutes designed to look like stripper shoes as we kicked around the weekly Phil Steele scorecard. The purpose of the interview is to discuss his strategy for the upcoming game against the California Golden Bears. JOE: Thanks for meeting me here Chief. You don’t mind if I call you Chief? The Chief: No problem Joe. Sometimes I gotta get away from Trooper Taylor and his crazy chest bumping shit JOE: I wasn't even aware of Trooper’s shit was crazy. Does it make you batshit crazy? The Chief: That's really shameful considering that you consider yourself some sort of half-man, half-Vol-culture god. JOE: You always say that people are half-man and half-something when you're drunk. The Chief: Touché, Douche JOE: Everyone says that Linebacker Ryan Karl is doing a Keith Richards impression this season. I prefer to think he's doing a Jack “Hacksaw” Reynolds impression. The Chief: I don't drink that much. [I bust out laughing.] The Chief: No, really. [The Chief busts out laughing.] JOE: You're so fucking drunk, Chief. JOE: I couldn't help but notice that your defense isn’t in the top 3. The Chief: I noticed that, too. JOE: But you're motherfucking drunken Chief, Mustang! The Chief: Tell me about it. JOE: Speaking of Mustang, are you planning on using your famous “Mustang” package against Cal? Chief Tikki Tavi. The Chief: Don't worry, it's coming. JOE: I also couldn't help but notice that you are having flirting with that cocktail waitress right in front of me. The Chief: See, when you say things like that, people are going to think that I'm drunk and hitting on a cocktail waitress right in front of you when that's clearly not the case. JOE: Excuse me, coat check girl. The Chief: Accuracy is important. Have you learned nothing from Trev Alberts? JOE: Back to the Mustang package. The Chief: On the field we call it "MUS-TAAANG." JOE: Can I just say something? Clowns are fucking funny. The Chief: They really fucking are. JOE: Fifth place or whatever. Last season sucked bad. Vanderbilt? What the fuck is up with that? The Chief: We had one of the lowest YPG average. JOE: Do you think Mexicans understand YPG average? Let's ask the coat check girl, I think she said she was from Missouri. The Chief: Don't be crazy, she will bring Mark-fucking May who will bring Lou Holtz along. I hate that guy. He spits when he talks. Like a damn Labrador Retriever that just drank a bowl full of water. Geez he is nasty old bastard. JOE: Dude, I was trying to throw some props your way. The Chief: Jesus Christ, I'm fucking drunk. JOE: At least I didn't slip in a Horse-related bestiality joke here. The Chief: Thanks for that. You're quality people, man. I gotta go get my coat. [He hugs me and falls asleep in my lap.] --------- [*It was either hang with The Chief or play keno and smoke crack with fellow Blogger The Grill Viper.] (Again for you fellow Vol Homers, This is FICTION) powered by performancing firefox powered by performancing firefox

Lloyd Braun's Post of the Day

Do we still have the female drum major?Reply

She had the worst "walking horse" I have ever seen. What is allsec talking about? "Walking Horse"??????????

A new toy from EDSBS

You dumbasses are on notice

Damn You Chris Low, Damn you to hell

Chris continues to punish the Sheep Pen. He posts an excellent article on Tennessee Running Back Arian Foster. Low eats his Wheaties.

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Mike Hamilton: Linguini Spined Athletic Director?

From published reports, it would appear that Phillip Fulmer is not happy with Mike Hamilton's weak-kneed approach to solving the Gerald Williams situation. Hamilton is not known for carrying much gravitas. Who can forget the Outback Bowl fiasco? I am betting that Hamilton did not go to bat for Williams and that pissed the Big Man off. If we are taking sides here, I am siding with Fulmer every single time. Mike "Noon Kickoff" Hamilton can take a hike as far as I am concerned.

Volquest scooped again

Chris Low continues to kick the ass of VQ reporters. Here he reports an antimated discussion between Head Coach Phil Fulmer and AD Mike Hamilton. How does he do it? Why does he do it? Why do I find it funny? Here is what Hugo Chavez thinks:

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Phil Paramore's SEC West Preview

At least Dothan Alabama columnist Phil "Bama Homer" Paramore got one thing right in his latest attempt to write about SEC Football:
As the howling laughter over my picks for the SEC East earlier this week continues, it's time to add a little material for the birdcage with the selections on the West. Again, I do this only at the point of a bayonet.

The rest of the article is here

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Knock 'Em Dead, Erik Ainge

After setting records as a true Freshman and leading us to the SEC Championship game, you became a victim of the Randy McSanders Clown Show and Rick Clausen Love Fest. One admittedly horrible play against LSU has turned many against you. Let's be honest Mr. Ainge, you are not going to play QB for Tennessee very long by throwing underhanded panic-tosses to the other team in your own endzone. That stuff has to stop. Throw the ball away, take a knee, spike the ball, whatever. Just never ever do that again. I fully expect you to take the bull by the horns and become the QB we all knew you could be. You do not have to beat Cal all by yourself. Just dump the ball off and make good passes. No need to be a hero, there is plenty of glory to go around. This is a team game. Now get out there and knock 'em dead kid.

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Who is out to get us?

An observation. The sheep are restless. Milling about in their pens. They believe that there is a deep dark and evil conspiracy against the Vols. Lets run through all of the villians:
  1. ESPN: Peyton's failure to win the Heisman and metrosexual Chris Fowler's trailer-trash remark :
    Fowler gloated about how he voted for Woodson over Manning and laughed about how it created a "trailer park frenzy" in Tennessee when Manning was robbed.
  2. NCAA (all of the clearinghouse issues i.e. Gerald Williams, Cody Pope and Stephaun Raines)
  3. Local News (see Packer, Chris Low scooping Brent Hubbs on a regular basis)
  4. National media (see the Fulmer Cup from EDSBS)
Frankly, it is embarrassing to watch grown men act like toddlers.

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Talking Chalk with Coach Cutt

As part of our 2006 preview, I'll be sitting down and chatting with David Cutcliffe, Offensive Coordinator for the University of Tennessee. Coach Cutcliffe returns to Knoxville after taking a year off after coaching at the University of Mississippi. The interview takes place in a small bistro off of the famous Knoxville Strip. This interview is a dream come true for me.

JOE: I am here cutting it up something fierce with Coach David Cutcliffe, the guy who says he's the master of University of Tennessee Volunteer Offense, though didn't bring any proof to the effect. Coach, thanks for making time in your busy schedule to meet with us. CDC: No problem, and please, call me Coach. Don’t be getting weird with me like you did my quarterbacks(Ainge and Crompton archives). Phillip said I had to do this interview, so watch the romper room shit.

JOE: O…kay… Coach, if you could go back in time and slap just one person, who would it be? CDC: Wow, there are so many quality former players and coaches to choose from but I'd have to go with Randy Sanders. He took a healthy offense to the verge-of-extinction like a Pterodactyl, you know like when it's all weak and couldn't beak me to death. That would be a really cool slap.

JOE: If you could fall out of any building, which one would it be? CDC: Fall out of a building? That's odd, okay, um… Moe's Tavern in Smut-Eye Alabama, that's a nice short one. Besides, if I did odds are I'd be all blotto and not even know it.

JOE:Along those lines, if you were a cartoon character on Scooby-Doo, which one would you be? Not successful enough to be Freddy or Daphne, not pious enough to be Velma. I've rebounded too well to be Shaggie. I'm pretty infamous but I think I've got just enough subtle spirit and toxic radiation poisoning to be Scooby.

JOE: What's the smallest thing you've ever stolen? CDC: Stolen, sheesh man, trying to get me busted here? It wasn't exactly stealing but I once borrowed all of the “O’s” off of all of the Ole Miss Athletic Department computer keyboards. I got fired after resurrecting that crappy program. Yeah, to hell with them, I got the last laugh, me and my Os, didn't I? They hired that Roid freak Coach O whatever the hell his name is…

JOE: Ainge or Crompton? CDC: Depends what time the game started. Crompton is alright for going through to sunset, but for going out dancing that Ainge is best be the rising sun. For photos and art I don't much care which, they look the same to me.

JOE:In a perfect world, what time would your Kick-off start? CDC: In my ideal world there would be a daylight savings-style one hour time shift about twice a week. This week I'd love to get up each day around ten, but next week should be eleven or noon, and probably within about six months I think I could get back around full circle jerkle to getting up at ten AM again. It sounds like madness even to me, but at least it's my own sort of madness.

JOE:When was the last time you were stranded somewhere and for how long? CDC: It was terrible. I went to Neyland Stadium about three months ago. Came back out to the car to go home and it wouldn't start. I didn't have my phone on me and I was stuck. I waited four hours sitting in that stupid car drinking all the beer I'd just bought before I finally gave up. It wouldn't start anyhow so I got out and walked all the way home. Must have taken me about twelve minutes.

JOE: What College Coach has had the greatest influence on you? CDC: I'd have to go with Lee Corso. He has taken his failure as football coach and twisted it into fame and fortune. ESPN keeps him in a cage in South Bend. Only lets him out with that metrosexual Chris Fowler. Do you remember when they replaced Craig James with Herbie? Those were great days, Trev Alberts spewing venom, the stuff that would burn your eyes kinda like staring into the sun to long…

JOE:If you could take just one thing with you to be stuck on a deserted island, what would it be? CDC:Assuming I can be rescued it would be a satellite phone, because, you know, kinda want to get off the island at some point, right? If I'm to assume that rescue isn't an option, gosh it's a toss up between Heath Shuler and Peyton Manning, though my knee-jerk reaction is to say Peyton. Why, do you think you could hook that up?

JOE:What do you think of these interview questions? CDC:Well, at least you didn’t make a move on me like you did with Coach Majors. I was a little nervous about that. I think they're hard, but I think if they weren't there wouldn't be any fun in answering them. Honestly I hate interviews because it feels like a challenge of who's dumber and more trite. Like "Hey, let me ask you the most predictable question ever so you can give me the most rehearsed and predictable answer ever, how delightful!" These take a bit more work and I dig 'em like those new pop tarts, Go Tarts.

Boxers or briefs? CDC: Oh I'm all commando today. Normally it's boxers but asking me to show up somewhere and have underwear on at the same time frankly asking a bit too much, don't you think?

Joe: Thanks for your time Coach, good luck with Cal

CDC: Blow me you twerp

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

The Volquest Fashion Club

Can someone please explain to me why the design of UT's football uniforms is such an important topic to some posters on the General's Quarters? Have people run out of things to talk about? Are they too stupid to discuss offensive and defensive strategy? Have they lost their minds? Are they in the closet, or just totally flaming? What's the deal?
"I LOVE your shoes, Erik."
People want to talk about black shoes vs. white shoes... white socks vs. black socks... stripes on the pants... and even the thickness of the orange stripe on the helmet? Are you fucking serious? You're concerned that the stripe on the helmet is a shocking 3 cms thinner than last year?!? For Christ's sake, get a life man!
The Volquest Fashion Club on Gameday
It's important to note that these are grown men posting this stuff. You can read this right here. Notice that they talk about, "being in the minority" and that it's "a preference." Hmm... sounds suspiciously like... no, no, nevermind. Wait, did he just say something about coming out in all orange? Ha! I knew it!
"You know how I know you're gay?"

The First Annual Papi's

You’ve seen the Emmy’s,. You’ve read the Herbie’s. Now it’s time for the first annual Pre-Season Papi Awards. The Cap Dat Ass Award goes to Miami safety Willie Cooper, who was shot in the ass outside his Miami house. The best part about this story is that his teammate and roommate, Ryan Meriweather, pulled a semi-automatic pistol from his pants and returned fire. I would have been more surprised if Meriweather wouldn’t have been strapped. No matter how many packs of coaxial cable Tennessee players steal, Miami will always be Thug U. The Uncle Rico “I can throw a football over that mountain” Award goes to the recently named Georgia starting QB, Joe Tereshinski. Here’s what one UGA fan had to say about Joe…” He has the weakest arm of the bunch. He cannot make the throws that even a college QB must make. He cannot throw over the middle, because a linebacker will have all day to jump in front of the ball. He can throw the 5 yard quick out, but anything over 7 yards will be intercepted. He cannot, under any circumstances, throw the long ball. “ GET EXCITED GEORGIA FANS!! Speaking of the UGA QB competition… The Rick Clausen Take My Ball and Go Home Award goes to UGA QB Matt Stafford. After coming in 3rd (or 4th depending on what you read) in the Dawgs QB derby, message boards exploded with rumors that the former 5-star recruit was considering a transfer to Oklahoma or Texas. Hey if you get beat out by a noodle arm and a guy that looks like a used tampon and was only taken so the Dawgs could land Mohamed Massaquoi, then I would be looking to transfer too. At least he didn’t go Rick Clausen and throw his coach under the bus on national TV. The Hardest Head Coach Pose Award- This one goes to the Urban Meyer point and stare.
When Urban breaks out his move, Chris Leak’s colon goes into massive, uncontrollable spasms, spraying more shart than when he tries to turn the corner on an option play. Mr. Meyer couldn’t be with us tonight to accept the award but I’m sure somewhere, he is weeping hysterically. The “Otter” Straton Party Animal Award- goes to former Volunteer signee Lee Smith. Two weeks before Smith even enrolled at UT as a freshman, a story broke that said Smith was banging his assistant principal Kim Kallenberg/ Less than a week later, Smith was arrested for DUI after he parked his car on a sidewalk. I really hope Smith was hammered when he decided to pound Kallenberg, because beer goggles can be the only explanation for wanting to bang this hag.
The Toilet Bowl Award (for shittiest place to watch a game)- Without a doubt this is the Orange Bowl in Miami. It’s in the middle of Little Havanna, so if you want to park, you better know some Spanish. The stadium is hardly ever more than ¾ full and those fans are pretty much retarded. The stadium is an absolute hole. It really is a complete piece of shit. Vanderbilt has a better stadium. There is no atmosphere at all, but the pumped in crowd noise and smoke entrance sure is cool. The Gayest Thing I’ve Ever Seen Award- goes to the Troy Offensive Line. This one isn’t even close. While the idea of a massive slip n’ slide is…well…fucking awesome, letting this picture get out is definitely not. And finally... The Tongue My Balls Memorial Trophy goes to that fucking asshat Mark May. I am sick and fucking tired of hearing this no-talent hack blather on about shit he has no clue about. Saying shit like “I’m from Missouri, so show me.” isn’t funny Mark…it‘s just sad. Do us all a favor, shut the fuck up and tongue my balls. Email Big Papi at BigPapisInbox@gmail.com

Interviews

Again, you fucking serious Volquest homers, the interviews are FICTION. That means that I make them up. Please stop emailing me and telling me I am not a Vol Fan or I am"disrespecting" the program. You knuckleheads need to relax and remember you are actually NOT playing on the team this Saturday. Worry about executing the wave and if goes Clockwise or Counter-clockwise North of the Equator. You people are really weird, sad and a sick kinda of freaky scary.

IrishJihad needs your help

IJ is in a pickle. In the worst way. His anniversary is this weekend, and yes, he is an idiot for getting married on the first weekend in Sept. He spent the first night of his marriage watching Bama lose to UCLA. To say the least Mrs. IJ was none too pleased. But this is the first time their anniversary has fallen on a weekend since getting married.

Kickoff for Bama-Hawaii is set for 6-ish Saturday. And Friday night is already out of the question as Mrs. IJ seems to have befriended the wife of the new football coach of our local high school and we are obliged to attend the opening game. The little woman expects dinner AND a show. So IJ is here pleading for possible excuses. IJ has already tried and failed at faking scarlet fever symptons and turrets. Any tip is appreciated

John Majors today

It was somewhat surreal to be interviewing a Tennessee Volunteer Football Legend , Heisman Trophy Runner-up, It is a beautiful morning, the crisp air proving to be quite refreshing. The voice of Speed Racer himself has agreed to sit down for brunch with me, John Majors.

There is a certain excitement lighting Coach Major's eyes as he seats himself and I can't help but wonder if this notorious Lynchberg Prankster has something in store for me. Of course, I order a Spanish omelette. Coach Majors decides to satiate himself with a bagel, strawberry cream cheese, and a short coffee. While he is slathering his bagel down, he gestures with his plastic knife for me to start.

JOE: Your credentials are staggering, Coach Majors. I must admit that I'm having trouble with where to begin. As I'm a big fan of the 1950’s teams, I suppose I'd like to ask about the conditions playing for General Neyland. What was that like?

CM: Well, the General really liked to kick ass. He was a pretty intense coach. I remember many of the plays he required us to perform only once, as there could only be one shot, so both he would threaten the rest of the team if we were to screw up. We all took it off the chin though. If you could shut the man up, he was a pretty decent guy. JOE: Intriguing. How long did that neck tattoo take to paint on? It was quite realistic. CM: What the fuck are you talking about? I don’t have a tattoo. Don’t be making fun of my old turkey neck skin you pompous ass.

At this point, Coach Majors was grinning like a naughty school boy but some errant cream cheese had found its way to his chin. As I reached forth to gesture at it, Coach Majors flinched away violently and swiped at my proposed index finger with his plastic fork.

CM: What the hell! Are you gay? JOE: Um. No. I was trying to direct your attention to the cream cheese you got on your chin. Coach Majors glared at me dubiously before dabbing at his chin with a napkin. After inspecting it closely, he slowly nodded.

CM: Ok. Good. You sure you ain't gay? JOE: Quite sure. Even though you are a very attractive man, I have no interest in pursuing a relationship with you. CM: What the fuck. You saying you wanna pop my keester? JOE: No. No, I'm saying I don't find you attractive even though you probably are. CM: Quit saying I'm attractive. I'm losing my appetite. With a disgruntled hunch to his shoulders, he began to eat again while avoiding eye contact. After an awkward stretch of perhaps two minutes, I quietly continued.

JOE: So, the 1985 Sugar Bowl team. I hear the team has agreed to have a reunion.

CM: They ain't gay either. So don't ask me for their numbers, Nancy Boy. JOE: Wha..what? No. I'm not implying-- CM: Listen. I'm not totally stupid. I read. I know all you little rat fuck bastard journalists love to make us College Football Heroes look gay in your interviews. That shit may sell to some fat bastard from Volquest, but it ain't flying with me. Nor do I appreciate you sharks constantly swimming around outside my house trying to get a picture of me you can photoshop into looking like I'm sucking off my driver, Jorge. Got it? JOE: I'm...truly sorry if you felt I was in some way trying to suggest you were something you aren't, Coach Majors. CM: Have you ever been kicked in the balls? I have. All your types do when you present lies to the public is basically the same. A swift kick to the nads. Do you like getting kicked in the balls? Maybe I should just boot you in the junk right now so you know how it feels? Hmm? Stand up, boy. JOE: What? No. I'm not-- CM: Stand up you pussy! If you want to kick me in the balls, I should have the right to do the same. Are you afraid? JOE: Well, yes. I'm not trying to kick you in the balls Coach Majors-- CM: Well you are! Every fucking time I sit down to enjoy a light brunch with someone who wants to interview me, I might as well drop my pants and present my nuts so you can get a good running shot. JOE: Coach Majors, there is some sort of misunderstanding. I don't want...wait. Now you want me to kick you in the balls? CM: No! NO! FOR CHRIST SAKE...WHY WOULD I WANT YOU TO KICK MY BALLS? Thats the whole point, you pansy. Getting kicked in the nards ISN'T good! Capiche!? The tendons in Coach Majors's neck were standing out quite rigidly at this point, a stark contrast of white and red flaring up and down his temples which suggested that he was extremely angry. I tried to pacify him with soothing hand gestures and inflection, but this seemed to enrage him more. He stepped around the table and grabbed my hair close to the scalp before wrenching my head back so that his volcanic stare might drip down right into my face. Between clenched teeth he continued, inching his face closer and closer to mine. CM: What you journalistic fucks need to understand is that I'm not going to put up with your bullshit anymore. About an inch from my nose to his, he suddenly gave me the gap-tooth smile and let go. CM: Gotcha! I was trembling at this point and had already puked into my own mouth and swallowed. Coach Majors then staggered back, laughing hysterically as I glanced down at the spreading stain of urine dashing against the inside of my pants.

CM: You should have seen your face! You were totally like 'Oh my god! He's gonna kill me!'. Did you just piss yourself!? This is better than the time I made Phil Fulmer faint and crack his head against a kicking tee! I managed a weak smile despite the overwhelming urge to vomit again. CM: Ooooooh shit. Good times. Ok, well, thanks but I gotta jet. Need to hit the can. Hit up the gym. This bagel is going to go straight to my thighs. Ciao. I couldn't help but notice there was a subtle sway to his hips as he sauntered off.

LOSER WITH SOCKS: EXPERT PICKS

IrishJihad's picks:
South Crackalackey at Miss St. - Cocks
ND @ GT - GT
Wazzu @ Auburn - Auburn
Marshall @ WV - WV
USC @ Arkansas - USC
USM @ Florida - UF
Cal @ UT - UT
UAB @ Oklahoma - OU
Vandy @ Michigan - UM UK @ UL - Cards
FSU @ Miami - FSU
UH @ Bama - Roll Tide Roll
Memphis @ Ole Miss - Ole Miss Lloyd Braun's Picks South Carolina at Mississippi State - Cocks Notre Dame at Georgia Tech - Irish Washington State at Auburn - Tigers Marshall at West Virginia - Eers Southern Cal at Arkansas - Hawgs Southern Miss at Florida - Gators Cal at Tennessee - Vols UAB at Oklahoma - Sooners Vanderbilt at Michigan - Wolverines Kentucky at Louisville - Wildcats FSU at Miami - Noles Hawaii at Alabama - Rainbow Warriors Memphis at Ole MIss - Tigers The Grill Viper's picks South Carolina at Mississippi State - SC Notre Dame at Georgia Tech - Georgia Tech Washington State at Auburn - The Barn Marshall at West Virginia - WVU Southern Cal at Arkansas - Southern Cal Southern Miss at Florida - Geightors Cal at Tennessee - Big Orange UAB at Oklahoma - Sooners Vanderbilt at Michigan - Wolverines Kentucky at Louisville - Louisville FSU at Miami - Miami Hawaii at Alabama - Rainbow Warriors Memphis at Ole MIss - Ogre and Slugger Joe's picks (winners) Bubba GT Wazzu Marshall Ar-Kansas USM Cal UAB Vandy UK UH Memphsi (Joe's Spelling) VolFan765757657576574657321
Cocks
Irish
Auburn
SC
Gators
Cal
Sooners
Michigan
LV
Miami
Bama
Miss Big Papi's picks Cocks Irish Auburn West Viriginia Cal Gators Vols Sooners Michigan Cards Miami Hawaii Memphis cincinnati bowtie's picks: South Carolina at Mississippi State - Cocks Notre Dame at Georgia Tech - Irish Washington State at Auburn - Tigers Marshall at West Virginia - Eers Southern Cal at Arkansas - Trojans Southern Miss at Florida - Golden Eagles Cal at Tennessee - Vols UAB at Oklahoma - Sooners Vanderbilt at Michigan - Wolverines Kentucky at Louisville - Cardinals FSU at Miami - Noles Hawaii at Alabama - Rainbow Warriors Memphis at Ole MIss - Tigers Still waiting on the rest...........

General Robert Neyland's Game Maxims

1. The team that makes the fewest mistakes will win.

2. Play for and make the breaks and when one comes your way - SCORE. 3. If at first the game - or the breaks - go against you, don't let up... put on more steam. -

4. Protect our kickers, our QB, our lead and our ball game.

5. Ball, oskie, cover, block, cut and slice, pursue and gang tackle... for this is the WINNING EDGE.

6. Press the kicking game. Here is where the breaks are made.

7. Carry the fight to our opponent and keep it there for 60 minutes.

A Direct Challenge to Tennessee's Wide Receivers

Dear UT Wide Receivers: I have to tell you that last year was not very impressive. After all, this is Wide Receiver U. Carl Pickens, Alvin Harper, Willie Gault, Peerless Price, Richmond Flowers, Stanley Asumnu, Eric Parker, Cedric Wilson.........................the list of great wide receivers that have played for Tennessee is longer than a 5-6 season with home losses to Vandy and South Carolina. Last year's effort is unacceptble at Tennessee. When you put on that orange jersey, you become more than a football player. You become a hero to that kid in section GG. You represent hope to the old man in section T (it could be his last season, do you really want to let him down?). You have the opportunity to singlehandidly break Cal's back. I am now going to call out each and every one of you. Jason Swain - I know you read this blog and I don't blame you. I am counting on you big guy, it is time to steal the show. Put the past to bed because the sun is rising on the future, and the future is 100% Swainerrific. Robert Meachem - The entire world knows about your talent. It is time to elevate your game. Jordan did it. Tiger does it. Now, can Robert Meachem do it? Are you in the same class as these legends? I bet you are big guy. Brett Smith - Yo, what happened to you last year? Two years ago you were even scoring touchdowns on onside kicks. That is just insane man. I want to see Touchdown Smith return to glory this year. Do it! Quentin Hancock - Yeah, we know you are out there bro. Make a name for yourself. Austin Rogers - Are you a leader? Can you put the nail in Cal's coffin? I am white too, but unlike you I am also very slow. Josh Bricoe - You impressed me last year with your toughness. It is time for you to take it to the next level. You need to be more like Chuck Norris. Believe in yourself and bitchslap those Cal DB's. We all know that last year's performance was a disgrace. No offense but I keep it real. You now have the opportunity to wipe the slate clean and take your place among the legends who have played in that orange jersey in the past. You have the chance to break Cal and abuse them in front of 107,000 skeptical but loving Vol fans. Gentlemen, your time has come. Regards, Lloyd

The Wizard of Odds linked us this morning

Thanks Wiz, I think that people like our product. We are one week old today. The hit counter went bonkers after Deadspin linked the Erik Ainge Interview. I will be finishing up an that I had last night with one of Tennessee's greatest legends. It promises to be a fucking barnburner. Oh, anyone have any blogger add ons that will organize our stories and links and generally make this blog easier to navigate. If you like what you read please pass it along email me at joeshittheragman@gmail Here are the interviews thus far
  1. Crompton Speaks
  2. Frogger
  3. Chu McCracken's Weird Uncle
  4. Second String Sheep

Monday, August 28, 2006

The 5 Hardest Coaches in College Football

Rated on a hardness scale of 1-5, 1 being Fred Ward (pretty hard) and 5 being Mickey Rourke (hard). (5) Frank Solich, Ohio Solich resembles one of the Irish mobsters from "Road to Perdition." His Mick street name is Frankie the Pearl. Known for his hot temper and precision with a shiv, Frankie must never be crossed, whether in business or with a poorly executed Triple Option. The only head coach in football history who blew a .94 BAC and then juggled the severed testicles of his arresting officer. Hardness Score 2.57 = Lorenzo Lamas (4) Larry Coker, Miami Do not let appearances fool you. Although Coker is affectionately called "Uncle Fester" by his close friends, he is known as "The Phantom" to his knowledgeable enemies. Some ask whether he is a wizard or a genius. Coker is renowned for his stealth and persuasive abilities. He has been known to influence referees during games with his advanced ESP. Snopes.com reports that Coker learned these skills during a childhood spent in captivity with the inventor of Dungeons and Dragons and the kid from "Powder". Hardness Score 3.78 = Gary Busey (3) Mark Mangino, Kansas Mangino has only one handle - Big Vulva. His strongarm tactics and merciless methods reportedly led to his departure from the University of Oklahoma. Inside sources there speak in hushed tones of an incident involving a drunken Big Vulva, a large battleaxe, a terrified Bob and Mike Stoops, and sex acts with Jason White's various knee braces. Many believe that Mangino's physical abilities are limited by his grotesquely short arms. A word of caution to any challengers; Mangino is most feared for his devastating axekick. Hardness Score 3.91 = John Goodman as Walter Sobchak (2) Sylvester Croom, Mississippi State Croom is a black man in a white world. He might as well have taken the head soccer job in Kelsterbach, Germany. The fact that he lives next door to Dewayne Travis, inventor of broilsted peanuts and founder of the Gentlemanly League of Southern Bigots, speaks to his hardness. But Croom is no martyr. Known as "Serrated Blade" among various gangs from Memphis to Little Rock, Croom has established a reputation as a brutal assassin and spry negotiator. He once talked a man out of his own kidney and then removed it himself. Hardness Score 4.13 = Carl Weathers (1) Joe Paterno, Penn State JoePa is the envy of every wise guy that ever lived. When God created South Jersey, he stared real hard at a sculpture of Paterno. When Jesus Christ spoke of the meek inheriting the earth, few know that he added a caveat - do not, under any circumstances, mess with JoePa. JoePa's greatest asset is his feigned modesty. Although a millionaire a thousand times over, JoePa keeps the Tommy Racinelli's and Tony Lubiani's of the world loyal by dressing like a toll booth operator. Check the tinted specs from the set of Donnie Brasco, Judge Smails' tie, the Dockers (Comfort Fit), and the jacket that he stole from the lost and found after the 1986 PSU/Michigan game. Few know of his elaborate tastes, however. JoePa reportedly has an insatiable appetite for Italian race cars, quality mescaline, and classy amateur porn. Before his untimely death, Eazy-E was once quoted as saying that JoePa "could snort more blow than a Peruvian army." He is an avid collector of hot tubs. JoePa's influence is felt in nearly every corner of the world; it has been said that he is an Illuminati, a former Olympian, the real author of the Harry Potter series, a respected Asian chef, and the international authority on sensual massage. He is, in a word, hard. Hardness Score 4.85 = Al Pacino when he is yelling

LWS Welcomes VolFan4620531979 to the Blog Team

VolFan4620531979 a legendary Vols pundit joins the team. We look forward to his commentary. VolFan4620531979 below, celebrates LWS making deadspin

Big Papi picks 'em

Every week I'm going to go through the games on ESPN.com's College Pick 'Em. If you want to win your group, here's all the expert prognostication you'll need. Week 1 Stanford at Oregon The showdown of two of the most pussified mascots in all of sports...a duck against a tree. How incredibly gay. Throw in Oregon's revolving door of hidious uniforms and your in for a trully horrifying experience. Most important fact about this game....Stanford sucks. Winner- Oregon Rutgers at North Carolina How fucking terrible is your conference if Rutgers finishes 3rd? How does this shit happen at the Big East still has an auto-BCS bid. Can their commissioner even talk about this and keep a straight face? And yes I remember that West Virginia beat Georgia in the Sugar Bowl last year, but that was a total fluke. Saint Richt just didn't pray hard enough before the game. Even saying all this, North Carolina blows. Winner- Rutgers Cal at Tennessee I've already broken this game down so I'm not going to do it again here. Yeah I'm fucking lazy. If you want analysis look here Winner- Tennessee Southern Miss at Florida Holy shit!! Florida opening a season against a semi-decent opponent. This may be the first time in their history that they haven't opened against a school with a direction in it's name....oh wait, nevermind. Leak will let loose a few small anal sprays, Urban will shed a few tears and point his finger, but Florida will win. Winner- Florida Syracuse at Wake Forest The second match up of shitty Big East team against shitty ACC team I get to pick. Thanks ESPN. Wake has bowl potential while Syracuse just fucking blows. Winner- Wake Forest Utah at UCLA UCLA is a typical Pac-10 team with no defense except now their offense sucks ass too. The key question in this game is how the Mormons will handle the Los Angeles culture shock. Winner- Utah Virginia at Pittsburgh Make your third notch on the shitty Big East against shitty ACC matchup counter. Virgina likes to pride itself on running a pro-style offense (one of their favorite things to talk about in recruiting). Too bad they have shit-style players running it. But they aren't playing the Steelers. Winner- Virginia Washington State at Auburn Do I really need to go into this one? Auburn is good, Washington State is fucking awful. Winner- Auburn USC at Arkansas I am curious to see how the Trojan players will react to seeing some of the most redneck shit they will ever see in their entire lives. I doubt Dwayne Jarrett has ever seen anything like this before... Bottom line for Arkansas...no McFadden, no shot in hell. Winner- USC Notre Dame at GA Tech I know I'm not the only one that's tired of hearing the national media fellate Charlie Weiss and Brady Quinn. I don't think Weiss can see his cock it's shoved so far down Beano Cook's mouth (not that the fat ass could see it anyway...by the way, after that last sentence I don't think I'll ever get an erection again). Nothing would make me happier than seeing the Domers blow their whole season in week 1 and Tech, with Reggie Ball and Calvin Johnson, have the firepower to do it...but never pick a team coached by Chan Gailey Winner- Notre Dame E-mail Big Papi at BigPapisInbox@gmail.com

FWIW, I fucking hate ESPN and Louisville.

This years TCU:

Big East looks to Louisville, WVU for gridiron cred

It was only 60 minutes. Well, 15 minutes, 50 seconds, to be exact.

But West Virginia's four-touchdown barrage against SEC champion Georgia in last season's Sugar Bowl in the Georgia Dome, in which the underdog Mountaineers jumped out to a 28-0 lead in their thrilling 38-35 victory, might have meant more to the Big East than what any team accomplished in the conference's first 15 years. Bigger than Miami winning two national championships during its 13 seasons in the conference, and more important than Michael Vick leading Virginia Tech to the national title game in 1999.

Rich Rodriguez
AP Photo
WVU's Rich Rodriguez is one of the top coaches in the Big East.

On the night following New Year's Day, West Virginia saved the Big East, and the conference might still be on life support without that monumental victory, commissioner Mike Tranghese said more than seven months later. The Mountaineers' victory proved the Big East could still play with college football's big boys, even without Boston College, Miami and Virginia Tech, the trio of teams that were pirated away by the ACC.

"That's what winning a football game does," Tranghese said, during an interview last month at the Big East's preseason news conference. "I just think when West Virginia beat Georgia last year it quieted everybody down. I think people thought if you could go into Atlanta and beat the SEC champion, you obviously were a pretty good football team from a pretty good football league."

Indeed, the Big East is trying to get more mileage from West Virginia's victory in the Sugar Bowl than what a cross-country trucker gets on fresh tires. The Mountaineers beat a good Georgia football team that had just whipped LSU 34-14 in the SEC championship game in the same building a month earlier. The Bulldogs were playing in front of a home crowd, after the Sugar Bowl was moved to Atlanta because of the destruction in New Orleans caused by Hurricane Katrina.

Despite its surroundings, West Virginia bowed its neck and stunned Georgia with an early onslaught. The Bulldogs nearly rallied to beat the Mountaineers, pulling to within a field goal with 5:13 left. But Georgia never got the football back in the final five minutes, after West Virginia gained four first downs, the last one on a gutsy fake punt on fourth-and-6.

The Mountaineers, with their musket fire and cheers of "I told you so," loudly celebrated a surprising victory in their first Bowl Championship Series game. And, for one night at least, the Big East wasn't the Big Least anymore.

"We operated in a very difficult environment last year because there were so many negatives every where we went," Tranghese said. "I think all of it changed because of that one ball game."

West Virginia, along with Louisville, carried the Big East's football hopes on their backs last season, and those two teams will undoubtedly do so again this year. It will take the Big East several seasons to recover from losing perennial powerhouses Miami and Virginia Tech, in addition to a solid Boston College program that has won six consecutive bowl games. (Those three teams, it should be noted, have won 75 percent of their ACC games the past two seasons.)

The Hurricanes and Hokies were the best two teams in the Big East, and Boston was one of its most lucrative television markets. It was like the SEC losing LSU, Florida and Auburn all at once. Or the Pac-10 sans USC, California and Oregon.

"I think the ACC knew what they were doing," Hokies safety Aaron Rouse said. "They went out and recruited the best teams from the Big East."

After the bleeding stopped, the Big East added Cincinnati, Louisville and South Florida to create an eight-team conference. Still, some fans questioned whether the Big East was now strong enough to deserve its automatic berth in the BCS, the controversial system that places the champions of college football's six power conferences and four at-large teams into the five richest postseason bowl games.

Michael Bush
Joe Robbins/US Presswire
Michael Bush is one of four Heisman candidates in the Big East.

Then the anti-Big East sentiments reached a fever pitch after the 2004 season, when Pittsburgh won the conference with an 8-3 record and then was trounced by Utah 35-7 in the Fiesta Bowl.

But Louisville and West Virginia addressed those concerns last season. The Cardinals, who had finished 11-1 in their final season in Conference USA in 2004, were expected to navigate just as easily through the Big East for an automatic BCS spot. But West Virginia stunned Louisville 46-44 in a memorable triple-overtime game last season. Suddenly, the Big East had a two-team race and its first rivalry.

"I'd love to have a great rivalry with them," Louisville coach Bobby Petrino said. "Certainly, that rivalry can grow."

And the Big East will continue to grow. The conference has four Heisman Trophy candidates: Brian Brohm and Michael Bush at Louisville and Pat White and Steve Slaton of the Mountaineers. Petrino and West Virginia's Rich Rodriguez are considered two of the brightest coaches in the country. West Virginia is a popular choice to play for the national championship. Yet Louisville might be the better team. The teams' Nov. 2 clash in Louisville (ESPN, 7:30 p.m.) could be one of the most anticipated games of the season.

Most important, West Virginia's meteoric rise at least gives the Big East some breathing room.

After realignment, the conference kept its BCS spot because it met the requirement of having its champion finish, on average, in the top 12 of the final BCS standings the previous four years.

Tranghese was allowed to include Miami and Virginia Tech and the conference's incoming teams in that average.

Beginning this season, however, the Big East and the other five power conferences -- the ACC, Big Ten, Big 12, Pac-10 and SEC -- will be scrutinized strictly on the next four years. So by the end of the 2009 season, if the last four Big East champions haven't had an average BCS standings finish of No. 12 or better, the conference would be in danger of losing its automatic BCS berth.

But with Louisville and West Virginia on board, Tranghese has no such concerns.

"The perception of our league is a lot different than a year ago," Tranghese said.

West Virginia's and Louisville's lofty positions -- the Mountaineers are No. 5 and the Cardinals No. 13 in The Associated Press preseason Top 25 poll -- give other Big East teams time to rebuild and continue to develop. Rutgers finished 7-5 last season and played in its first bowl game since 1978, losing to Arizona State 45-40 in the Insight Bowl. South Florida finished 6-6 and played in its first bowl game ever, losing to North Carolina State 14-0 in the Meineke Car Care Bowl in Charlotte, N.C.

Pittsburgh and Syracuse struggled under new coaches last season, but both programs have too much tradition and too many resources to fall off the football map completely. Connecticut seems very close to doing what Rutgers did last season, and Cincinnati played in a bowl game only two seasons ago.

"It's a very well-coached conference," Petrino said. "I think it's getting better and better. You look at Rutgers and all of the players they have coming back. Pitt keeps getting better through what they're doing in recruiting. And, of course, we don't have to say a word about South Florida. We're going in the right direction."

Only one season after enduring the full effects of the ACC's raid, it could be argued the Big East is in better position than where the ACC was before Miami and Virginia Tech joined the conference two years ago, followed by Boston College last year. Instead of one team dominating the conference -- Florida State won ACC titles 12 times in its first 14 seasons in the conference -- the Big East at least has two teams carrying its banner.

And Louisville and West Virginia could both play in BCS bowl games this season, something the ACC is still waiting for two of its teams to do.

Mark Schlabach covers college football and men's college basketball for ESPN.com. You can contact him at schlabachma@yahoo.com.

I wish I was this funny

Wagercom.com has a very funny preseason Top 25. Check it out. Gold

Crompton Speaks

As part of our 2006 preview, I'll be sitting down and chatting with Tennessee Quarterback Jon Crompton Its a beautiful day today as I sit down with the star. We are having a working lunch dining al fresco at a rather small undisclosed restaurant in Knoxville. He has ordered a BLT with extra mayo, a raspberry ice tea. I have ordered the usual; a spanish omelette. (By the way, some of no humor freaks need to know that these interviews are fictional, so please stop threatening me) JOESHITTHERAGMAN: First of all, I'd like to start by saying that I am a huge fan of your work. Your flawless physique and boyish charm has captured the hearts of millions Volquest and Gridscape members. My first question concerns the fame. Who would have known that a young boy infatuated with sequins would end up having panties thrown at him every time he leaves the field. How do you cope? Jon Crompton: Well, it has been a roller coaster. That is for sure. I remember in high school when I was participating in State Playoffs, I was ridiculed quite a bit. Did you say sequins? I will let that slide because your little blog was mentioned on Deadspin. Watch your step… JOE: Uhh, ok, sorry. The ladies (ladies include Volquesters too) do enjoy watching you I bet. Anything come to mind? That is worth mentioning? JC: Well, one time this fat-ass woman {Interviewer thought: Possible volquester?}tried to throw her bra at me. I guess she couldn't undo the 16 or so clasps maintaining the two huge breasts, so everyone lining up for an autograph slowly turned to watch her sweat. Her shirt came up a little bit during her struggles, and I still laugh at the collective gasp at the sight of all those stretch marks. This was during Orange and White Spring game. JOE: Ahh, yes. You were splendid in that outing. How you captured the spirit of a young pre-pubescent girl coming of age amidst such turbulent times is electrifying. Did you do any prep for the role? JC: You are a sick bastard. Frogg and Ainge warned me about you. I will totally kick your ass like you’re a geek in P.E. Dodgeball. I can totally make you fall over and cry. You know I have kicked geek ass before? Once, at the Volquest BBQ, I totally made this fat guy fall over and cry. His shirt came up a little bit to expose the bottom of a roll. {Note to self} At this point I felt somewhat uncomfortable with the second mentioning of an overweight person's clothing rising, so I pretended to need a drink of my water. Upon composing myself, I continued. JOE: Right. I suppose you are almost famous for being stalked in both cyberspace and real-time. Specifically, by members of Volquest. The overtures from Spurrier during the recruiting process nearly created a total message board meltdown. Did you train extensively for the role? JC: Oh, hell yeah. I do a lot of physical activity, if you know what I mean, but nothing compares to staring intensely at Josh McNeil. I remember one day I made a great pass, what I believe was a deep post to Austin Rogers, I sprinted down the field pumping my fists in jubilation. Anyway, we had had a couple QB-Center exchanges earlier and McNeil was really pissed. So as I'm getting ready for the final snap, I look up and he is bent over the snack table and mashing bear claws into his mouth like there is no tomorrow. My green no-contact jersey was slung over one shoulder and you could like, totally see his shirt rising up to expose his butt crack. I totally lost it and Coach Cutcliffe almost strangled me. Again, I had to pause, yet this time I couldn't let the third Fat comment slip pass. JOE: That is the third time you have mentioned the exposure of skin produced by some physical effort on an obese person's behalf. Care to explain? JC: Well, its funny y'know? I dunno. Have you ever seen a skinny person's shirt rise up like magic when they are reaching for a steak sandwich? Maybe it’s because I don't like fat people. There was a long pause at this point. I couldn't believe that America's. No, the Tennessee Volunteers Sweetheart had just claimed a dislike of fat people. As a dedicated journalist, I had to pursue. JOE: You...dislike fat people? Perhaps I misunderstood-- JC: No. I fuckin' hate them. I couldn't stand any recruitin visits with Coach Fridgen or the guy at Kansas. I thought about poisoning them during a visit. Don't even get me started on Charlie Weiss, fat bastard. JOE: You wanted to poison them? JC: Yeah. Wouldn't that be ironic? Killed by eating? I didn't do it because Heath Shuler told me it would kill my career. . Chilled by his unemotional display, I suppressed a shudder and forged on. JOE: Why do you have such a fierce loathing of those of extra dimensions? JC: I'm beautiful. But I worked for it. I worked my ass off. Literally. If these lard-asses can't get off their can for five minutes and do a few sit-ups a day, then I have no time for them. All my friends are beautiful. I love skinny chicks. Though I've heard fat chicks need love too. I guess all I'm saying is put the DoubleStuff Oreos down and try some Slim Fast instead. JOE: I...see. Frankly, Jon-- JC: Call me Mr. Crompton, douche bag. JOE: Did you call me a douche bag? At this point Mr. Crompton made his voice high pitched began to mimic my every word JC: Did you call me a douche bag? JOE: I don't see any need for this type of behavior. JC: I don't see any need for this type of behavior. I realized that pursuing this interview further would be fruitless, so I quickly ran from the table and left him with the check.

Bama vs. Hawaii Preview.....sort of

Kickoff of the opening weekend of college football is less than a week away, and Bama opens up with the Rainbow Warriors of Hawaii. What is a Rainbow Warrior you might ask, well after extensive research, it looks like Bama is going against this guy:
Excellent floam usage.
Jeff Gordon's former pit crew, or a bunch of flaming Somoans. Either way Bama is a 17 point favorite.
One obvious factor in this game will be the play of Bama's secondary against the 'throw it every freaking' down offense that June Jones will employ. Bama has 3 new starters in the secondary (although Simeon Castille has seen a lot of PT over the last 2 seasons as nickel back). But secondary depth shouldn't be a concern since Bama has recruited approximately 47 defensive backs the last two years. Hawaii QB Colt Brennan (If IJ ever has a son, he'll name him Colt, of course in doing so he'll greatly diminish future employment options for his son: QB or six-shooter toting sheriff in the Old West.) threw for 53,480 yards last year, give or take. Look for Bama to use a lot of the 3-3-5 defense that they used against UF and Texas Tech last year. But then will they be able to get enough pressure on Colt like they did against Texas Tech in the Cotton Bowl.
On offense Bama should try and cram the ball down the Flamers throat. Now that beast-child Andre Smith is manning the left tackle spot, it will be interesting to see which side of the formation Bama prefers to run to. IJ is also interested to see if new Bama QB John Sarah Jessica Parker Wilson will be as adept as Brodie Croyle was at overthrowing an open downfield receiver. But look for a healthy dose of Ken Darby, Jimmy Johns, Tim Castille, LeRon (that's French for 'The Ron') McClain, Roy Upchurch and possibly freshman speedster Terry Grant. BTW, if you wanna watch a future NFL fullback, watch McClain. He is an absolute monster. IJ doesn't expect a whole lot of passing going on in JPW's first start. Bama needs to control the clock and keep UH's offense off the field. IJ also doesn't expect Bama to cover, they only do that about once or twice a year. IJ is thinking 30-17.

Cal Week Is Here..................

The greatest time of the year is here! The wait is over. Let's get it on..... Here are some facts: 1) Cal was not a good team last year 2) Cal beat nobody of importance last year 3) Cal has to come to our house 4) Cal has as many, if not more, QB problems than we do. A couple of other thoughts............I tend to think that any time a Pac-10 team has a good defensive player, the media tends to overblow it because good defenders are so rare in that conference. If Justin Harrell played for Cal, he would be touted as a preseason Heisman candidate. But good defenders are a dime a dozen in the SEC, the greatest defensive conference in the country. Contrary to popular opinion, if anybody gets blown out in this game, it will be Cal. I think Neyland Stadium will be louder than it has been in 4-5 years. 5-6 was the end of an era for Tennessee. Fans have no reason to be fat and happy or spoiled. We are starving for a good football team and the Tennessee of old and I think Cal will have problems with our crowd. Entering into Cal week, I am very optimistic about this game. All signs point to a statement game for Tennessee and its rejuvinated fan base.

Sunday, August 27, 2006

Holy Shit! Deadspin picked up the Ainge interview

Under the leftover Blogdome. Here is the link http://www.deadspin.com/ Thanks Deadspin

UT = Un Talented?

Yes that's right. The Tennessee Volunteers. Little sister of the poor. Bullshit. I'm so sick of the super sheep complaining that we don't have as much talent as our SEC peers. We were a preseason #3 pick last year. Preseason rankings are largely based on talent analysis as there is no way to truly predict how good a team will be. People out there think we have the talent. We did not go from one of the most talent laden programs in the country to nothing in one season. Don't be a fuck head. That is all. Viper out.

Daddies Gone Wild. Leak and The-Bow mix it up?

As reported yesterday by EDSBS, The Bow's dad is pulling a Curtis Leak. Making a nuisance of himself and just being a peckerwood. Curtis Leak has tried to focus on keeping Chrissy at the front of the pack. Telling the media that Gator Fans hate Chrissy. Regardless, I believe that among the Haters is Urban Meyer. I hate to link proof that Urban does indeed hate but I will do it again Chrissy Is there a Quarterback controvery in Gainsville? Or is there a Daddy issue in Gainsville. I can't imagine a more volatile situation than having a Leak/Bow throwdown. Here are the steps that the "always thinking ahead" Urban Meyer has taken:

The problem at Gator practices is the phenomena of increased cat fighting. Possibly, due to the more aggressive nature of some Daddies. One Gator Dad recently charged another Gator Dad at practice with sexual assault after he accidentally ripped his Jorts off while trying to pull him off a fellow catfighter. Another problem is that the Gator Dads are often more spontaneous and rarely start the action outside of practice. In fact in about 75% of the cases reported, the cat fights start in the mens washroom. So bystanders, males in particular, are left with the catty dilemma of having to go into the mens washroom to separate the combatants. Coach Urban Meyer has hired bouncers to handle this catfight problem, one bouncer school in California now offers instruction in specific techniques to handle a tangled up down and dirty cat fight.

The Bouncers are instructed to first isolate the fight as much as possible and prevent others from joining in or even breaking it up, this is not too difficult if the Gator Dads have taken it to the ground stage, which often happens quickly in a catfight. Secondly wait until they start to get hot, sweaty and tired. It really doesn't take long to bring a catfight to a Jimmy Stewart conclusion.

The cat fight in Destry Rides Again only lasts 2 minutes, yes a two minute catfight. Some nice cool ice water definitely breaks up the action. YES, icy cold water breaks two Gator Dad catfighters apart in no time.

Saturday, August 26, 2006

Big Papi's UT-Cal Defensive breakdown...

Click here for Big Papi's UT-Cal Offensive breakdown. Time for Part 2 of my breakdown of the UT-Cal game. Yesterday we looked at the offensive side of the ball, today we go with the defense. Usually this would be like comparing a Porsche to a Datsun. UT consistantly fields a top 25 defense and Cal plays in the Pac-10, where the usual idea of defense is letting the other team score real quick so your offense gets the ball back. However, this isn't your normal Pac-10 defense. DL This is probably the strongest unit on Cal's team led by All-American Brandon Mebane an Nu'u Tafisi (I am dying to hear Bobby Denton try to pronounce Nu'u Tafisi after his pregame bottle of Jack Daniels). They may have the top D-Line in the country. The Vols counter with a decent line of their own led by Justin Harrell and Turk McBride but there are question marks depth wise at both DT and DE positions. Also, I don't think it's a really good sign when former (yeah right) roid head, Matt McGlothlin gets the start at DT. Edge- Cal LB Tennessee boasts an extremely talented but very raw LB corp led by Senior Marvin Mitchell. Rico McCoy and Jerod Mayo are absolute beasts and Ryan Karl may be the most underrated player in the entire SEC. The kid does nothing but make plays. All of these guys should probably keep hand sanitizer close at hand in preperation for all the spread option induced sharting from the Cal QBs. Cal also has a solid unit with Desmond Mason leading them from the middle. I'm tempted to call this one a draw, but then again, Cal does play in the Pac-10 Slight Edge- Vols DB This is probably Tennessee's strongest unit. With Jon Wade and Inky Johnson at corner and Jon Hefney and the combination of Antwan Stewart/Dee Morley at safety, there isn't a weak spot in this seconday. Cal experiencing depth issues behind All-American corner, Daymeion Hughes. All-Pac10 corner Tim Mixon is out for the season with an injury and they are struggling to find a replacement. Edge- Vols Special teams Honestly I don't really know too much about Cal's Special Teams except that DeSean Jackson is taking over the kick return duties. He's a very explosive player. Plus, to put it mildly, Tennessee's special teams has been a fucking clown show lately. Edge- Cal There you have it. Two pretty balance teams that should make for a great game come September 2. Predicted score... UT 28 Cal 24

Ainge-E, Ainge-E

As part of our 2006 preview, I'll be sitting down and chatting with the Tennessee Vols Quarterback Erik Ainge. Here is how it went: (Note: backup QB Jon Crompton's Interview is here) Joe: Erik, it's truly an honour to be in your humble presence.

Erik Ainge: I have a problem with your usage of the word 'honour.' Could you please use the American spelling?

JOE: But, how do you know how I spelled it-we're talking...like, verbally...right now...

ERIK: Uh... I guess. I'm a little confused here, I thought I was going to be talking to someone from a regular news organization. What are you? Like twelve?

JOE: I'll be twenty-four in June... and I am from a regular new organization. I'm from... Volquest. I'm Brent Hubbs. I just shaved and dyed my hair for a new look. You like it?

ERIK: Oh, I know. I know all. I will say that I am a big fan of your Site, I read it all of the time.

JOE: All right then, Erik. Here's the first question, you little fucking twerp.

ERIK: Why are the lights so dim? Your not Brent Hubbs. Are you the guy who sits in his car after games, who drinks beer and watches us leave the lockerroom. He creeps me out.

JOE: Uh, no I am not that weird. As for the lights, I thought it would make a better mood for an interview.

ERIK: Is that Barry White I hear playing?

JOE: Just a little mood music. Why don't you take a sip of your wine and relax?

ERIK: Turn up the lights and turn off the music... NOW!

JOE: Okay... okay... I guess I'll get to my questions. Let's see here...

ERIK: You know, it's not very professional of you to have your questions written on... what is that you have your questions written on?

JOE: They're “CheesePaper” from my Hardees Monsterbuger wrapper. The backs of them make great scrap paper. My questions aren’t as probing and insightful as I first believed it would be. So, next question: What do you think of today's military technology?

ERIK: I thought this was about football?

JOE: Erik, I've reviewed the Volquest The Generals Quarters and it is fucking boring. Do you think you can make a comment or two? Keep the psychos a little more edgy? Maybe throw in some pictures...a centerfold?

ERIK: I think we have a huge athletic advantage over our opponents. I mean they're a bunch of dumb turds with second hand Nike gear. And, with my advanced passing accuracy, we can avoid turnovers.

JOE: Boy, if I had a dollar for every time I've heard you say that - I'd have about six dollars. Erik, I regret to tell you, but there is a Quarterback controversy brewing amongst the zealots. Erik, it has to be asked: as each side digs their heels in to the...internet, relations between both sides appear to be getting more and more sour. The pro-Crompton supporters refuse to accept a Coach Cut’s educated evaluation, the other guys are insisting upon one...you're further apart than...two points that are really far apart from one another. So, how are you gonna resolve this big old mess of a situation when y'all hate each other more than Brad and Jennifer?

ERIK: Oh, perhaps the Crompton camp is bitter with myself and the coaches, but there's no acrimony on our part. None whatsoever.

JOE: But in a news release issued last week by the Tennessean, you claimed that the Generals Quarters was responsible for the genocide in Darfur and the successful music career of Hillary Duff.

ERIK: Well, if you look at the facts, you'll see that that cannot be ruled out.

JOE: I see. I've heard you take a great interest in continuing advances in technology for pass blocking.

ERIK: Yes, I demand a lot from our O-Line. When I ask something to be done, I don't take "I can't" or "That's not possible in either classical or quantum physics" for an answer.

JOE: So what's one of your latest creations? I read on the EDSBS Blog that you created a computer that can increase its speed by stealing computing power from its doppelganger in an alternate dimension.

ERIK: No

JOE: Then won't there be an Erik Ainge in an alternate dimension extremely pissed by how his computing power is being sucked away?

ERIK: Fuck him! Obviously I thought of this first. Then again, if I know me, he would be plotting revenge.

JOE: Why do you think the Big Orange Nation and the three people in the Mexico who actually give a shit about the Vols seem to have overwhelmingly sided with you and the Coaching staff in this controversy, as opposed to the Generals Quarters?

ERIK: Clearly because I'm so popular. The people love me.

JOE: One's greatest enemy is always themselves. Anyway, I sometime hear you referred to as Danny Ainge. Can I have your autograph?

ERIK: Danny is my uncle, you asshole.

JOE: So you don’t know Larry Bird?

ERIK: I didn't say that.

JOE: So let's see... what were my other questions...Heh heh, Lloyd Braun is so lazy.

ERIK: I am growing impatient.

JOE: What's it like working with David Cutcliffe?

ERIK: His warmongering is useful to me, but he is an old man, and I am the future. I have plans way beyond his.

JOE: What plans?

ERIK: Nothing for you to know about.

JOE: You don't plan on becoming some supervillan and then take over the world, do you?

ERIK: No comment.

JOE: My God, I bet you already have a hollowed out volcano.

ERIK: I don't like where these questions are going.

JOE: Can I help you come up with a supervillian name? How about “Stud Earrings?

ERIK: You really are dick

JOE: Could I at least be one of your minions?

ERIK: Maybe... just stop talking about the diamond earrings.

JOE: Right. As I speak with you today Erik, one week before the 2006 season officially starts, things aren't looking good. With more and more fans convinced the entire season will be wiped out entirely, what do you say to Mexicans devastated about the fact that they will not be able to watch the Music City Bowl last year?

ERIK: Look, I bleed Orange. Every night before I go to bed, I cry myself to sleep because of all of the exciting SEC action that I am missing right now. The possibility that I won't be able to present the World Series...thingy to the winning team in August at the conclusion of the season...it causes me untold amounts of agony.

JOE: There there. Have a Kleenex. World Series thingy? Are you insane? By the way Erik, the SEC season starts next week.

ERIK: (sniffing audibly) Thank you.

JOE: Uh, please...please stop touching me.

ERIK: I'm sorry. I just love basketball so much. I get very passionate.

JOE: Don't you mean Football?

ERIK: Yes, yes. I love it too. Even more.

JOE: Mr. Ainge, have you been able to gauge what kind of an impact the internet message boards have on the coaches?

ERIK: If I may set the record straight, it is inaccurate to refer to the current dispute as a controversy. It is a 'player access restriction'...

JOE:....I can't remember the question I asked you....

ERIK:...Whatever it was, I'm glad you asked me. Every season ticket holder for the Vols has written me, expressing their concern about the present situation the Coach Fulmer finds himself in. Here. Look. (The Erik hands Joe a sheet of paper.)

JOE: This is just one letter.

ERIK: Yes. From the poster known as Dukecrewfan,from that city...wherever the Predators play, are devastated about the fact that they won't be able to see any "Exciting Vols Football" this season. Trademark.

JOE: Wow...the QB Dilemma is really is having an impact. Do you worry that the game will struggle if and when the dispute is resolved, especially in uh, how shall I say, non-traditional markets such as India?

ERIK: I am concerned, but our loyal fans will come back around when they remember all of the excitement of today's SEC. The clutching, the grabbing, the total disregard for the enforcement of any pass inteference rules, the stultifying commitment to defense-first, run to setup the pass, the utter lack of creativity, the defensive linemen whose bloated equipment make them look like some form of modified Michelin Man...

JOE: Have you ever thought about doing something to draw more interest in your plight?

ERIK: Like what do you mean?

JOE: I was thinking a swimsuit calendar. Everyone loves swimsuit calendars.

ERIK: I don't think that would be appropriate.

JOE: Come on. I got some swimsuits here for you to choose from and the camera is all ready.

ERIK: I'm not comfortable with this.

JOE: Don't be so shy. You have a great body... (cough) (gag)

ERIK: You touched my leg!

JOE: (gag) (cough)

ERIK: Don't be such a baby; I barely collapsed your throat.

JOE: Anyway (cough) thanks for giving me your time. Perhaps we can (cough) do this again sometime.

ERIK: Not if I get a restraining order first.