I got one out of loyalty to my buddies. Now, Chris, he got one the size of his calf, but I didn't want one that big because I didn't want to show off.Translation...I'm not ready to come out of the closet just yet. Seriously, in the macho world of the NFL, can you imagine Simms showing off his "new cool tat" to his teammates on the Bucs? Half the team is going to demand a trade on the spot. I'm sure Tampa center, John Wade is going to be real comfortable bending over and having Simms shove his hands in his crotch. A long snap count is just playing with it, Chrissy. My only question is if the tattoos came with a complimentary bottle of anal lube.
Thursday, August 31, 2006
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As the howling laughter over my picks for the SEC East earlier this week continues, it's time to add a little material for the birdcage with the selections on the West. Again, I do this only at the point of a bayonet.
The rest of the article is here
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Wednesday, August 30, 2006
- ESPN: Peyton's failure to win the Heisman and metrosexual Chris Fowler's trailer-trash remark :
Fowler gloated about how he voted for Woodson over Manning and laughed about how it created a "trailer park frenzy" in Tennessee when Manning was robbed.
- NCAA (all of the clearinghouse issues i.e. Gerald Williams, Cody Pope and Stephaun Raines)
- Local News (see Packer, Chris Low scooping Brent Hubbs on a regular basis)
- National media (see the Fulmer Cup from EDSBS)
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JOE: I am here cutting it up something fierce with Coach David Cutcliffe, the guy who says he's the master of University of Tennessee Volunteer Offense, though didn't bring any proof to the effect. Coach, thanks for making time in your busy schedule to meet with us. CDC: No problem, and please, call me Coach. Don’t be getting weird with me like you did my quarterbacks(Ainge and Crompton archives). Phillip said I had to do this interview, so watch the romper room shit.
JOE: O…kay… Coach, if you could go back in time and slap just one person, who would it be? CDC: Wow, there are so many quality former players and coaches to choose from but I'd have to go with Randy Sanders. He took a healthy offense to the verge-of-extinction like a Pterodactyl, you know like when it's all weak and couldn't beak me to death. That would be a really cool slap.
JOE: If you could fall out of any building, which one would it be?
CDC: Fall out of a building? That's odd, okay, um… Moe's Tavern in
JOE:Along those lines, if you were a cartoon character on Scooby-Doo, which one would you be? Not successful enough to be Freddy or Daphne, not pious enough to be Velma. I've rebounded too well to be Shaggie. I'm pretty infamous but I think I've got just enough subtle spirit and toxic radiation poisoning to be Scooby.
JOE: What's the smallest thing you've ever stolen? CDC: Stolen, sheesh man, trying to get me busted here? It wasn't exactly stealing but I once borrowed all of the “O’s” off of all of the Ole Miss Athletic Department computer keyboards. I got fired after resurrecting that crappy program. Yeah, to hell with them, I got the last laugh, me and my Os, didn't I? They hired that Roid freak Coach O whatever the hell his name is…
JOE: Ainge or Crompton? CDC: Depends what time the game started. Crompton is alright for going through to sunset, but for going out dancing that Ainge is best be the rising sun. For photos and art I don't much care which, they look the same to me.
JOE:In a perfect world, what time would your Kick-off start? CDC: In my ideal world there would be a daylight savings-style one hour time shift about twice a week. This week I'd love to get up each day around ten, but next week should be eleven or noon, and probably within about six months I think I could get back around full circle jerkle to getting up at ten AM again. It sounds like madness even to me, but at least it's my own sort of madness.
JOE:When was the last time you were stranded somewhere and for how long? CDC: It was terrible. I went to Neyland Stadium about three months ago. Came back out to the car to go home and it wouldn't start. I didn't have my phone on me and I was stuck. I waited four hours sitting in that stupid car drinking all the beer I'd just bought before I finally gave up. It wouldn't start anyhow so I got out and walked all the way home. Must have taken me about twelve minutes.
JOE: What College Coach has had the greatest influence on you?
CDC: I'd have to go with Lee Corso. He has taken his failure as football coach and twisted it into fame and fortune. ESPN keeps him in a cage in
JOE:If you could take just one thing with you to be stuck on a deserted island, what would it be? CDC:Assuming I can be rescued it would be a satellite phone, because, you know, kinda want to get off the island at some point, right? If I'm to assume that rescue isn't an option, gosh it's a toss up between Heath Shuler and Peyton Manning, though my knee-jerk reaction is to say Peyton. Why, do you think you could hook that up?
JOE:What do you think of these interview questions? CDC:Well, at least you didn’t make a move on me like you did with Coach Majors. I was a little nervous about that. I think they're hard, but I think if they weren't there wouldn't be any fun in answering them. Honestly I hate interviews because it feels like a challenge of who's dumber and more trite. Like "Hey, let me ask you the most predictable question ever so you can give me the most rehearsed and predictable answer ever, how delightful!" These take a bit more work and I dig 'em like those new pop tarts, Go Tarts.
Boxers or briefs? CDC: Oh I'm all commando today. Normally it's boxers but asking me to show up somewhere and have underwear on at the same time frankly asking a bit too much, don't you think?
Joe: Thanks for your time Coach, good luck with
CDC: Blow me you twerp
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
Kickoff for Bama-Hawaii is set for 6-ish Saturday. And Friday night is already out of the question as Mrs. IJ seems to have befriended the wife of the new football coach of our local high school and we are obliged to attend the opening game. The little woman expects dinner AND a show. So IJ is here pleading for possible excuses. IJ has already tried and failed at faking scarlet fever symptons and turrets. Any tip is appreciated
There is a certain excitement lighting Coach Major's eyes as he seats himself and I can't help but wonder if this notorious Lynchberg Prankster has something in store for me. Of course, I order a Spanish omelette. Coach Majors decides to satiate himself with a bagel, strawberry cream cheese, and a short coffee. While he is slathering his bagel down, he gestures with his plastic knife for me to start.
JOE: Your credentials are staggering, Coach Majors. I must admit that I'm having trouble with where to begin. As I'm a big fan of the 1950’s teams, I suppose I'd like to ask about the conditions playing for General Neyland. What was that like?
CM: Well, the General really liked to kick ass. He was a pretty intense coach. I remember many of the plays he required us to perform only once, as there could only be one shot, so both he would threaten the rest of the team if we were to screw up. We all took it off the chin though. If you could shut the man up, he was a pretty decent guy. JOE: Intriguing. How long did that neck tattoo take to paint on? It was quite realistic. CM: What the fuck are you talking about? I don’t have a tattoo. Don’t be making fun of my old turkey neck skin you pompous ass.
At this point, Coach Majors was grinning like a naughty school boy but some errant cream cheese had found its way to his chin. As I reached forth to gesture at it, Coach Majors flinched away violently and swiped at my proposed index finger with his plastic fork.
CM: What the hell! Are you gay? JOE: Um. No. I was trying to direct your attention to the cream cheese you got on your chin. Coach Majors glared at me dubiously before dabbing at his chin with a napkin. After inspecting it closely, he slowly nodded.
CM: Ok. Good. You sure you ain't gay? JOE: Quite sure. Even though you are a very attractive man, I have no interest in pursuing a relationship with you. CM: What the fuck. You saying you wanna pop my keester? JOE: No. No, I'm saying I don't find you attractive even though you probably are. CM: Quit saying I'm attractive. I'm losing my appetite. With a disgruntled hunch to his shoulders, he began to eat again while avoiding eye contact. After an awkward stretch of perhaps two minutes, I quietly continued.
JOE: So, the 1985 Sugar Bowl team. I hear the team has agreed to have a reunion.
CM: They ain't gay either. So don't ask me for their numbers, Nancy Boy. JOE: Wha..what? No. I'm not implying-- CM: Listen. I'm not totally stupid. I read. I know all you little rat fuck bastard journalists love to make us College Football Heroes look gay in your interviews. That shit may sell to some fat bastard from Volquest, but it ain't flying with me. Nor do I appreciate you sharks constantly swimming around outside my house trying to get a picture of me you can photoshop into looking like I'm sucking off my driver, Jorge. Got it? JOE: I'm...truly sorry if you felt I was in some way trying to suggest you were something you aren't, Coach Majors. CM: Have you ever been kicked in the balls? I have. All your types do when you present lies to the public is basically the same. A swift kick to the nads. Do you like getting kicked in the balls? Maybe I should just boot you in the junk right now so you know how it feels? Hmm? Stand up, boy. JOE: What? No. I'm not-- CM: Stand up you pussy! If you want to kick me in the balls, I should have the right to do the same. Are you afraid? JOE: Well, yes. I'm not trying to kick you in the balls Coach Majors-- CM: Well you are! Every fucking time I sit down to enjoy a light brunch with someone who wants to interview me, I might as well drop my pants and present my nuts so you can get a good running shot. JOE: Coach Majors, there is some sort of misunderstanding. I don't want...wait. Now you want me to kick you in the balls? CM: No! NO! FOR CHRIST SAKE...WHY WOULD I WANT YOU TO KICK MY BALLS? Thats the whole point, you pansy. Getting kicked in the nards ISN'T good! Capiche!? The tendons in Coach Majors's neck were standing out quite rigidly at this point, a stark contrast of white and red flaring up and down his temples which suggested that he was extremely angry. I tried to pacify him with soothing hand gestures and inflection, but this seemed to enrage him more. He stepped around the table and grabbed my hair close to the scalp before wrenching my head back so that his volcanic stare might drip down right into my face. Between clenched teeth he continued, inching his face closer and closer to mine. CM: What you journalistic fucks need to understand is that I'm not going to put up with your bullshit anymore. About an inch from my nose to his, he suddenly gave me the gap-tooth smile and let go. CM: Gotcha! I was trembling at this point and had already puked into my own mouth and swallowed. Coach Majors then staggered back, laughing hysterically as I glanced down at the spreading stain of urine dashing against the inside of my pants.
CM: You should have seen your face! You were totally like 'Oh my god! He's gonna kill me!'. Did you just piss yourself!? This is better than the time I made Phil Fulmer faint and crack his head against a kicking tee! I managed a weak smile despite the overwhelming urge to vomit again. CM: Ooooooh shit. Good times. Ok, well, thanks but I gotta jet. Need to hit the can. Hit up the gym. This bagel is going to go straight to my thighs. Ciao. I couldn't help but notice there was a subtle sway to his hips as he sauntered off.
2. Play for and make the breaks and when one comes your way - SCORE. 3. If at first the game - or the breaks - go against you, don't let up... put on more steam. -
4. Protect our kickers, our QB, our lead and our ball game.
5. Ball, oskie, cover, block, cut and slice, pursue and gang tackle... for this is the WINNING EDGE.
6. Press the kicking game. Here is where the breaks are made.
7. Carry the fight to our opponent and keep it there for 60 minutes.
Monday, August 28, 2006
Big East looks to Louisville, WVU for gridiron cred
It was only 60 minutes. Well, 15 minutes, 50 seconds, to be exact.
But West Virginia's four-touchdown barrage against SEC champion Georgia in last season's Sugar Bowl in the Georgia Dome, in which the underdog Mountaineers jumped out to a 28-0 lead in their thrilling 38-35 victory, might have meant more to the Big East than what any team accomplished in the conference's first 15 years. Bigger than Miami winning two national championships during its 13 seasons in the conference, and more important than Michael Vick leading Virginia Tech to the national title game in 1999.
On the night following New Year's Day, West Virginia saved the Big East, and the conference might still be on life support without that monumental victory, commissioner Mike Tranghese said more than seven months later. The Mountaineers' victory proved the Big East could still play with college football's big boys, even without Boston College, Miami and Virginia Tech, the trio of teams that were pirated away by the ACC.
"That's what winning a football game does," Tranghese said, during an interview last month at the Big East's preseason news conference. "I just think when West Virginia beat Georgia last year it quieted everybody down. I think people thought if you could go into Atlanta and beat the SEC champion, you obviously were a pretty good football team from a pretty good football league."
Indeed, the Big East is trying to get more mileage from West Virginia's victory in the Sugar Bowl than what a cross-country trucker gets on fresh tires. The Mountaineers beat a good Georgia football team that had just whipped LSU 34-14 in the SEC championship game in the same building a month earlier. The Bulldogs were playing in front of a home crowd, after the Sugar Bowl was moved to Atlanta because of the destruction in New Orleans caused by Hurricane Katrina.
Despite its surroundings, West Virginia bowed its neck and stunned Georgia with an early onslaught. The Bulldogs nearly rallied to beat the Mountaineers, pulling to within a field goal with 5:13 left. But Georgia never got the football back in the final five minutes, after West Virginia gained four first downs, the last one on a gutsy fake punt on fourth-and-6.
The Mountaineers, with their musket fire and cheers of "I told you so," loudly celebrated a surprising victory in their first Bowl Championship Series game. And, for one night at least, the Big East wasn't the Big Least anymore.
"We operated in a very difficult environment last year because there were so many negatives every where we went," Tranghese said. "I think all of it changed because of that one ball game."
West Virginia, along with Louisville, carried the Big East's football hopes on their backs last season, and those two teams will undoubtedly do so again this year. It will take the Big East several seasons to recover from losing perennial powerhouses Miami and Virginia Tech, in addition to a solid Boston College program that has won six consecutive bowl games. (Those three teams, it should be noted, have won 75 percent of their ACC games the past two seasons.)
The Hurricanes and Hokies were the best two teams in the Big East, and Boston was one of its most lucrative television markets. It was like the SEC losing LSU, Florida and Auburn all at once. Or the Pac-10 sans USC, California and Oregon.
"I think the ACC knew what they were doing," Hokies safety Aaron Rouse said. "They went out and recruited the best teams from the Big East."
After the bleeding stopped, the Big East added Cincinnati, Louisville and South Florida to create an eight-team conference. Still, some fans questioned whether the Big East was now strong enough to deserve its automatic berth in the BCS, the controversial system that places the champions of college football's six power conferences and four at-large teams into the five richest postseason bowl games.
Then the anti-Big East sentiments reached a fever pitch after the 2004 season, when Pittsburgh won the conference with an 8-3 record and then was trounced by Utah 35-7 in the Fiesta Bowl.
But Louisville and West Virginia addressed those concerns last season. The Cardinals, who had finished 11-1 in their final season in Conference USA in 2004, were expected to navigate just as easily through the Big East for an automatic BCS spot. But West Virginia stunned Louisville 46-44 in a memorable triple-overtime game last season. Suddenly, the Big East had a two-team race and its first rivalry.
"I'd love to have a great rivalry with them," Louisville coach Bobby Petrino said. "Certainly, that rivalry can grow."
And the Big East will continue to grow. The conference has four Heisman Trophy candidates: Brian Brohm and Michael Bush at Louisville and Pat White and Steve Slaton of the Mountaineers. Petrino and West Virginia's Rich Rodriguez are considered two of the brightest coaches in the country. West Virginia is a popular choice to play for the national championship. Yet Louisville might be the better team. The teams' Nov. 2 clash in Louisville (ESPN, 7:30 p.m.) could be one of the most anticipated games of the season.
Most important, West Virginia's meteoric rise at least gives the Big East some breathing room.
After realignment, the conference kept its BCS spot because it met the requirement of having its champion finish, on average, in the top 12 of the final BCS standings the previous four years.
Tranghese was allowed to include Miami and Virginia Tech and the conference's incoming teams in that average.
Beginning this season, however, the Big East and the other five power conferences -- the ACC, Big Ten, Big 12, Pac-10 and SEC -- will be scrutinized strictly on the next four years. So by the end of the 2009 season, if the last four Big East champions haven't had an average BCS standings finish of No. 12 or better, the conference would be in danger of losing its automatic BCS berth.
But with Louisville and West Virginia on board, Tranghese has no such concerns.
"The perception of our league is a lot different than a year ago," Tranghese said.
West Virginia's and Louisville's lofty positions -- the Mountaineers are No. 5 and the Cardinals No. 13 in The Associated Press preseason Top 25 poll -- give other Big East teams time to rebuild and continue to develop. Rutgers finished 7-5 last season and played in its first bowl game since 1978, losing to Arizona State 45-40 in the Insight Bowl. South Florida finished 6-6 and played in its first bowl game ever, losing to North Carolina State 14-0 in the Meineke Car Care Bowl in Charlotte, N.C.
Pittsburgh and Syracuse struggled under new coaches last season, but both programs have too much tradition and too many resources to fall off the football map completely. Connecticut seems very close to doing what Rutgers did last season, and Cincinnati played in a bowl game only two seasons ago.
"It's a very well-coached conference," Petrino said. "I think it's getting better and better. You look at Rutgers and all of the players they have coming back. Pitt keeps getting better through what they're doing in recruiting. And, of course, we don't have to say a word about South Florida. We're going in the right direction."
Only one season after enduring the full effects of the ACC's raid, it could be argued the Big East is in better position than where the ACC was before Miami and Virginia Tech joined the conference two years ago, followed by Boston College last year. Instead of one team dominating the conference -- Florida State won ACC titles 12 times in its first 14 seasons in the conference -- the Big East at least has two teams carrying its banner.
And Louisville and West Virginia could both play in BCS bowl games this season, something the ACC is still waiting for two of its teams to do.
Mark Schlabach covers college football and men's college basketball for ESPN.com. You can contact him at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Sunday, August 27, 2006
The problem at Gator practices is the phenomena of increased cat fighting. Possibly, due to the more aggressive nature of some Daddies. One Gator Dad recently charged another Gator Dad at practice with sexual assault after he accidentally ripped his Jorts off while trying to pull him off a fellow catfighter. Another problem is that the Gator Dads are often more spontaneous and rarely start the action outside of practice. In fact in about 75% of the cases reported, the cat fights start in the mens washroom. So bystanders, males in particular, are left with the catty dilemma of having to go into the mens washroom to separate the combatants. Coach Urban Meyer has hired bouncers to handle this catfight problem, one bouncer school in California now offers instruction in specific techniques to handle a tangled up down and dirty cat fight.
The Bouncers are instructed to first isolate the fight as much as possible and prevent others from joining in or even breaking it up, this is not too difficult if the Gator Dads have taken it to the ground stage, which often happens quickly in a catfight. Secondly wait until they start to get hot, sweaty and tired. It really doesn't take long to bring a catfight to a Jimmy Stewart conclusion.
The cat fight in Destry Rides Again only lasts 2 minutes, yes a two minute catfight. Some nice cool ice water definitely breaks up the action. YES, icy cold water breaks two Gator Dad catfighters apart in no time.
Saturday, August 26, 2006
Erik Ainge: I have a problem with your usage of the word 'honour.' Could you please use the American spelling?
JOE: But, how do you know how I spelled it-we're talking...like, verbally...right now...
ERIK: Uh... I guess. I'm a little confused here, I thought I was going to be talking to someone from a regular news organization. What are you? Like twelve?
JOE: I'll be twenty-four in June... and I am from a regular new organization. I'm from... Volquest. I'm Brent Hubbs. I just shaved and dyed my hair for a new look. You like it?
ERIK: Oh, I know. I know all. I will say that I am a big fan of your Site, I read it all of the time.
JOE: All right then, Erik. Here's the first question, you little fucking twerp.
ERIK: Why are the lights so dim? Your not Brent Hubbs. Are you the guy who sits in his car after games, who drinks beer and watches us leave the lockerroom. He creeps me out.
JOE: Uh, no I am not that weird. As for the lights, I thought it would make a better mood for an interview.
ERIK: Is that Barry White I hear playing?
JOE: Just a little mood music. Why don't you take a sip of your wine and relax?
ERIK: Turn up the lights and turn off the music... NOW!
JOE: Okay... okay... I guess I'll get to my questions. Let's see here...
ERIK: You know, it's not very professional of you to have your questions written on... what is that you have your questions written on?
JOE: They're “CheesePaper” from my Hardees Monsterbuger wrapper. The backs of them make great scrap paper. My questions aren’t as probing and insightful as I first believed it would be. So, next question: What do you think of today's military technology?
ERIK: I thought this was about football?
JOE: Erik, I've reviewed the Volquest The Generals Quarters and it is fucking boring. Do you think you can make a comment or two? Keep the psychos a little more edgy? Maybe throw in some pictures...a centerfold?
ERIK: I think we have a huge athletic advantage over our opponents. I mean they're a bunch of dumb turds with second hand Nike gear. And, with my advanced passing accuracy, we can avoid turnovers.
JOE: Boy, if I had a dollar for every time I've heard you say that - I'd have about six dollars. Erik, I regret to tell you, but there is a Quarterback controversy brewing amongst the zealots. Erik, it has to be asked: as each side digs their heels in to the...internet, relations between both sides appear to be getting more and more sour. The pro-Crompton supporters refuse to accept a Coach Cut’s educated evaluation, the other guys are insisting upon one...you're further apart than...two points that are really far apart from one another. So, how are you gonna resolve this big old mess of a situation when y'all hate each other more than Brad and Jennifer?
ERIK: Oh, perhaps the Crompton camp is bitter with myself and the coaches, but there's no acrimony on our part. None whatsoever.
JOE: But in a news release issued last week by the Tennessean, you claimed that the Generals Quarters was responsible for the genocide in
ERIK: Well, if you look at the facts, you'll see that that cannot be ruled out.
JOE: I see. I've heard you take a great interest in continuing advances in technology for pass blocking.
ERIK: Yes, I demand a lot from our O-Line. When I ask something to be done, I don't take "I can't" or "That's not possible in either classical or quantum physics" for an answer.
JOE: So what's one of your latest creations? I read on the EDSBS Blog that you created a computer that can increase its speed by stealing computing power from its doppelganger in an alternate dimension.
JOE: Then won't there be an Erik Ainge in an alternate dimension extremely pissed by how his computing power is being sucked away?
ERIK: Fuck him! Obviously I thought of this first. Then again, if I know me, he would be plotting revenge.
JOE: Why do you think the Big Orange Nation and the three people in the
ERIK: Clearly because I'm so popular. The people love me.
JOE: One's greatest enemy is always themselves. Anyway, I sometime hear you referred to as Danny Ainge. Can I have your autograph?
ERIK: Danny is my uncle, you asshole.
JOE: So you don’t know Larry Bird?
ERIK: I didn't say that.
JOE: So let's see... what were my other questions...Heh heh, Lloyd Braun is so lazy.
ERIK: I am growing impatient.
JOE: What's it like working with David Cutcliffe?
ERIK: His warmongering is useful to me, but he is an old man, and I am the future. I have plans way beyond his.
JOE: What plans?
ERIK: Nothing for you to know about.
JOE: You don't plan on becoming some supervillan and then take over the world, do you?
ERIK: No comment.
JOE: My God, I bet you already have a hollowed out volcano.
ERIK: I don't like where these questions are going.
JOE: Can I help you come up with a supervillian name? How about “Stud Earrings?
ERIK: You really are dick
JOE: Could I at least be one of your minions?
ERIK: Maybe... just stop talking about the diamond earrings.
JOE: Right. As I speak with you today Erik, one week before the 2006 season officially starts, things aren't looking good. With more and more fans convinced the entire season will be wiped out entirely, what do you say to Mexicans devastated about the fact that they will not be able to watch the Music City Bowl last year?
ERIK: Look, I bleed
JOE: There there. Have a Kleenex. World Series thingy? Are you insane? By the way Erik, the SEC season starts next week.
ERIK: (sniffing audibly) Thank you.
JOE: Uh, please...please stop touching me.
ERIK: I'm sorry. I just love basketball so much. I get very passionate.
JOE: Don't you mean Football?
ERIK: Yes, yes. I love it too. Even more.
JOE: Mr. Ainge, have you been able to gauge what kind of an impact the internet message boards have on the coaches?
ERIK: If I may set the record straight, it is inaccurate to refer to the current dispute as a controversy. It is a 'player access restriction'...
JOE:....I can't remember the question I asked you....
ERIK:...Whatever it was, I'm glad you asked me. Every season ticket holder for the Vols has written me, expressing their concern about the present situation the Coach Fulmer finds himself in. Here. Look. (The Erik hands Joe a sheet of paper.)
JOE: This is just one letter.
ERIK: Yes. From the poster known as Dukecrewfan,from that city...wherever the Predators play, are devastated about the fact that they won't be able to see any "Exciting Vols Football" this season. Trademark.
JOE: Wow...the QB Dilemma is really is having an impact. Do you worry that the game will struggle if and when the dispute is resolved, especially in uh, how shall I say, non-traditional markets such as
ERIK: I am concerned, but our loyal fans will come back around when they remember all of the excitement of today's SEC. The clutching, the grabbing, the total disregard for the enforcement of any pass inteference rules, the stultifying commitment to defense-first, run to setup the pass, the utter lack of creativity, the defensive linemen whose bloated equipment make them look like some form of modified Michelin Man...
JOE: Have you ever thought about doing something to draw more interest in your plight?
ERIK: Like what do you mean?
JOE: I was thinking a swimsuit calendar. Everyone loves swimsuit calendars.
ERIK: I don't think that would be appropriate.
JOE: Come on. I got some swimsuits here for you to choose from and the camera is all ready.
ERIK: I'm not comfortable with this.
JOE: Don't be so shy. You have a great body... (cough) (gag)
ERIK: You touched my leg!
JOE: (gag) (cough)
ERIK: Don't be such a baby; I barely collapsed your throat.
JOE: Anyway (cough) thanks for giving me your time. Perhaps we can (cough) do this again sometime.
ERIK: Not if I get a restraining order first.