Saturday, September 30, 2006

Courtesy of FireMarkMay.com; Coach O it has Begun

I spit up Mountain Dew.

Coach Orgeron is a Poor Man's Ron Zook; Wild boys fallen far from glory" – Duran Duran

(Bring him home Pete Boone, Bring him Home) Pete Boone is covering his ass. What do cat's do Pete Boone? They cover their shit. Pete, it's OK to make mistakes. The American Sports Public is very forgiving if you just say you are sorry. Don't get me wrong, I don't want Coach O to leave Ole Miss. He is a source of never-ending stupid shit/comments/myth/legend/lore. If you do fire O, Bring the real Zook home. You can afford him and I bet he will be available.
(a reprint from a previous article from LWS) Some will never associate the word "Great" with jamming one's pecker in a tailpipe or blowing one's ass into five pieces with a firecracker. Certainly, Ed Ogeron doesn't strike anyone as brilliant when he first appeared on the Ole Miss sideline in 2005. How about the time when he exited the practice field complaining about the importance of getting out of a Port-O-Potty before tipping it on its side. Coach O's purpose is to provide experience in life lessons. Important things like: Don't wipe your dick on your girlfriend's curtains in front of her mom; don't eat road kill off the road on the way to work; don't shoot yourself in the crotch with a BB gun to see if it will hurt. The kind of lessons that his Dad never got around to teaching him. There is so much to take away from the misadventures of one man.
Cutcliffe's Rebels résumé — the 44-29 record, the four bowl appearances in six seasons — never looked as good as it does now. Many Ole Miss followers still wonder what the program would be like if he'd never been shown the door.

Boone believes a large portion of the problems can be attributed to the recruiting efforts of former coach David Cutcliffe, who was fired in December 2004. As a result, Boone said, the Rebels are young and have depth problems.

"There's a reason you have a coaching change," Boone said. "I think what we're seeing now is that the recruiting the past few years of the previous group was not very good. I knew that. It was not a surprise to me. I just want to go back, to 2003, our glory years. WTF was I thinking?"

The Rebels are 1-3 for the second straight season and play No. 10 Georgia on Saturday at 8. Ed Orgeron is 4-11 with the Rebels and 1-8 in Southeastern Conference play.

Boone said the only thing that has surprised him is the fact Ole Miss hasn't improved since the first game. But he said it's a long season and no one is more disappointed in the start than Orgeron, who "puts so much pressure on himself. The man is ticking time bomb. I keep waiting for him to show up to work with an assault rifle, flip flops, wearing a bathrobe and full face camo paint. He scares me."

Every Game Counts: Vol Wide Receiver, Robert Meachem says connection and family are the glue for this year’s UT team.

The comments are going to be gloriously sick on this guy's blog. Every Game Counts: Vol Wide Receiver, Robert Meachem says connection and family are the glue for this year’s UT team.

Friday, September 29, 2006

News out on the future of Coach O

LWS sources inside Stamford, CT are reporting that Ole Miss head football coach, Ed Orgeron has been in contact with representatives of World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) about possible future employment. Given his current record at Ole Miss, coupled with recent reports of community misconduct, one might think his days at Ole Miss could be numbered. Add in Orgeron's acting talents, which were displayed in local Hummer commercials, this maybe a match made in Heaven.
Sources have leaked this publicity photo of Coach O for possible future WWE endeavors
Although the WWE was unavailable for official comment, LWS inside sources have leaked information about Coach O and his desire to debut as "The Rajun Cajun" or a possible tag team combo of Coach O and 'Hacksaw' Jim Duggan, known as "The Wild Boyz." More details will be provided as they surface.

Big Papi's Pick 'Ems

Not a bad week last week. With Notre Dame's epic comeback, I finished at 9-1 with the only loss coming when Chuck Amato lucked into a win over BC. That goofy bastard may have cost me a perfect week but that win isn't going to be enough to save his job.
Know if anyone's hiring?
Everything else went as predicted thanks to John L. Smith wrapping the chord of his headset around his neck...thanks John. I hope you're getting your resume prepared as well. On to this week's picks (as always they are taken from ESPN.com's College Pick 'Em)... Navy at Connecticuit The Weekly I Know Notadamnthing About These Teams Game Oh boy....a service academy at a shitty Big East school. How exciting. I literally know nothing about either of these teams except UConn is shakey at QB...plus they play in the Big East. After looking at their schedule, I'm picking Navy out of principle. No one should be allowed to play two service academy teams, Rhode Island, Indianna, and a shitty Big East schedule and still be considered a Division 1 team. Winner- Navy Bowling Green at Ohio Apparently there are two I Know Notadamnthing About These Teams game this week. Bowling Green has struggled to beat Buffalo and Florida International, plus they got destroyed by Kent State. At least Ohio's two losses came to semi-legitimate teams. Plus Bowling Green is responsible for releasing the most overrated coach in America, the Urban Legend, onto the world. Another pick on principle... Winner- Ohio Purdue at Notre Dame So Charlie Weis is either a fat whiny bitch or a fat lying bitch. In his press conference after the Michigan State game, Weis claimed he was slapped by MSU reciever Matt Trannon during a scuffle on the Notre Dame sideline.
What did the five fingers say to the face? SLAP!!!
Well in his tuesday press conference, John L. Smith showed a video that proved there were no MSU players around Weis during the melee. Weis must have been having flashbacks to the week before when the Irish were totally bitch-slapped by Michigan. Well, Charlie is definitly a fat bitch and he may be a liar, but the Irish are still beating Purdue. Winner- Notre Dame Boise State at Utah Good lord what a bunch of shitty games. This seems like a perfectly good time to tell a story from the Florida game. During the game, a kid selling cokes is walking up our aisle. We look over and the little sonofabitch is wearing a Florida hat and shirt while WORKING AT NEYLAND. So we totally rip into this kid and heckle him every time he comes through our section. We even get the entire area around us to refuse to buy a coke from him. He looked like he was going to cry. The best part was he worked our section during the Marshall game as well, and we kept heckling him relentlessly. It's always fun to make a teenager nearly cry. Oh...Boise State is 11-0 against teams currently in the Moutain West. Winner- Boise State Alabama at Florida Last week I said it might be the only week that Leak didn't need his sharting towel...damn was I wrong. There's nothing like seeing that little prick get booed at the Swamp during a 26-7 win. I'm sure The Bow's dad is putting an extra effort in the blumpkins he gives to the Legend this week. An interesting stat...Florida is 1-7 against Bama at the Swamp. I'd really love to see this game go to overtime and watch each teams shitty kicker miss kick after kick....the game could go on forever. Too bad Bama blows. Winner- Florida Oregon at Arizona State Arizona State head coach (and basis of the movie Boogie Nights) Dirk Koetter is 2-17 against ranked teams especially with Oregon looking to put Replaygate behind them. This will be your typical no-defense Pac-10 game. I can't decide if a Pac-10 defensive coordinator is the easiest or the toughest job in the world. I mean there are absolutely no expectations for you to stop anyone but how in the hell do you coach something that doesn't exist? Winner- Oregon Northwestern at Penn State I was planning to make a joke about the only thing that was running last week for Penn State was JoePa's anus but then it turns out that Tony Hunt had 135 yards on 22 carries....thanks for ruining my joke, jackass. This has to be some sort of record for coaching matchups...Joe Paterno has been coaching for 9 years longer than Wildcats' coach Pat Fitzgerald has been alive so I guess you give the Lions an edge in coaching experience. Something to think about...Penn State has won 10 straight home games going back to November 6, 2004 when they lost to........Northwestern. Yeah who gives a shit. Winner- Penn State Georgia at Ole Miss The biggest story coming out of UGA's shit performance against Colorado was who would start at QB....Cox or Stafford. In reality it doesn't matter if the Dawgs start Opie or the Pillbury Interceptionboy against Ole Miss. It won't be close regardless. So Rebs, enjoy sitting in the Grove in your red pants, drinking wine out of Solo Cups, and eating Chicken McNuggets with your "secret sauce" made from a bottle of Hidden Valley Ranch. You might win the party but no way in hell you're winning the game. Hotty Toddy, Gosh almighty, Ole Miss fucking sucks. Winner- Georgia Washington at Arizona Since beating Arizona last season (a loss that Mike Stoops calls his most embarassing moment as the Wildcats head coach...which is saying something), Washington has been 4-2. Thats a pretty good improvement from the 2-18 they were in the 20 games before that win. Be prepared for another embarrasment. Winner- Washington Ohio State at Iowa Iowa is 0-9-1 against the number 1 team in the country, and have gotten the shit kicked out of them the last 3 times. And at this point, I'm tired of coming up with jokes so it's time to wrap this shit up. Winner- Ohio State Record to date: 32-8

Shooting the shit with Sly

Some of you might not know this, but IJ is an avid hunter. He can't get enough of it. Coming from a Bama fan IJ understands that this might shock you. As luck would have it IJ was invited on a quail hunting excursion with the one and only Sly Croom, head coach of the Mississippi State Bulldogs, and some MSU boosters. IJ thought that this would be a great opportunity to pick Sly's brain about the his job and the state of the MSU program. IJ: Nice camou Sly, is that RealTree? SC: Uhm, yes it is. Are you a booster? What's up with the turbin? IJ: No, not technically. And the turbin is my native headwear. I painted it orange for the occasion. So Sly what's it like being a head coach in the SEC? SC: SEC? What are you talking about, this team wouldn't compete in the Sun Belt. I tried to get a head coaching job in the SEC when I interviewed at Bama, but those peckerheads gave it to that pretty boy Shula. IJ: Still pissed at Shula for changing the name of the Croom award to the Freddie Kitchens trophy. I understand, but let's put that behind us for a second, what's the deal with Orgeron and Ole Miss? SC: (Laughing hysterically) That Ogre is one loony mofo. I think God everyday that Ole Miss hired that bat-shit crazy Orgeron. He said he's built a fence around the city of Memphis, well, I've got a plan of my own.

IJ: Nice shot. Much has been made of the lack of offensive production. And you being an offensive coach, does this make you cry at night?

SC: Thanks, Coach Bryant taught me how to shoot. For those people that are criticizing me, let them bring their happy asses onto the sideline and try to coach these semi-retarded players how to play football. It ain't easy my friend.

Croom's horse is visibly shaken by MSU's lack of offense.

IJ: I've got to be blunt Sly, your offense has been putrid so far.

SC: You ain't telling me nothing I don't know son. Hey, we suck, but as long as Coach O is at Ole Miss, my job is safe. Didn't I mention how bat-shit crazy he is?

The end zone's this way, Coach.

At about that time the MSU boosters told Sly that they brought along another special guest and wanted him and Sly to pair up.

MSU booster: Coach Croom, We want you to meet Vice President Dick Cheney. Why don't you two go off hunting awhile and we'll catch up later.

At this point I thought it was better to take my leave and head back.

Over Two Years Later..............

The Ed Ogeron hire still makes no sense. It is just as baffling today as it was back when everybody was saying "Ed Who"? The worst hire in the history of sport, in my opinion. Firing David Cutcliffe was obviously stupid enough, but to replace a proven winner with The Ogre? Who is resp0onsible for this decision?

Analysis of the Bama Florida Game provided by KeepMikeShula.com

While the national media drools over Florida and the local media's love resides at "the school down the road", Alabama is quietly improving week to week. None of the media wants to bring up the shellacking that Bama put on the Gators last year. The reason is because deep down, the people who really know football, know it could happen again. Alabama is coming into this game off a loss in a game they dominated against Arkansas, while Florida has struggled in games with mediocre competition. With word leaking from Tuscaloosa, that 2nd year phenom Jimmy Johns is in line to receive the bulk of the carries, look for Bama to surprise the "experts" on Saturday. Compare this years Bama team to last, and you will see that there is noticeable improvement at quarterback, offensive line & receiver. Look for Bama to open up the offense with some more downfield passing to take advantage of some of Florida's slower corners. For the rest of this indepth and insightful article click here

LWS Pick'Em

Overall Standings 1. Irishjihad (40-8) 2. Big Papi (37-11) 3. Cincinatti Bowtie (36-12) 4. VolFan 38476520 (32-15) 5. Tie: Grill Viper & Lloyd Braun (31-17) 7. LWS (25-23) Volfan 398463434 Bama @ Florida - UF Georgia Tech @ Virginia Tech - GT Ohio St. @ Iowa - OSU Oregon @ Arizona St. - ASU Boise St. @ Utah - BSU Tennessee @ Memphis - UT Purdue @ Notre Dame - ND Michigan @ Minnesota - Mich UGA @ Ole Miss - UGA Colorado @ Missouri - Miss Grill Viper Bama @ Florida - Geightors Georgia Tech @ Virginia Tech - Yellerjackets Ohio St. @ Iowa - Ohio St Oregon @ Arizona St. - Oregano Boise St. @ Utah - Boise St Tennessee @ Memphis - Tennessee Purdue @ Notre Dame - Notre Damn Michigan @ Minnesota - Michigan UGA @ Ole Miss - UGA Colorado @ Missouri - Missouri Big Papi Bama @ Florida - Geightors Georgia Tech @ Virginia Tech - Turkeys Ohio St. @ Iowa - Weird Nuts Oregon @ Arizona St. - Quackers Boise St. @ Utah - Blue Turf Tennessee @ Memphis - Big Orange Felons Purdue @ Notre Dame - Overrated U Michigan @ Minnesota - Team I'm not making fun of because they make me look like an asshole(Michigan) UGA @ Ole Miss - UGAly Colorado @ Missouri - Mizzou LWS Bama @ Florida Shula is petite Georgia Tech @ Virginia Tech Beamer is geigh Ohio St. @ Iowa Lick my buckeyes Oregon @ Arizona St. Its about the O Boise St. @ Utah Broncs Tennessee @ Memphis Good Guys Purdue @ Notre Dame Weiss has 9 lives Michigan @ Minnesota Musburger masturbates UGA @ Ole Miss UGA puts the nail in the O's coffin Colorado @ Missouri Big Mo Lloyd Braun Bama @ Florida - GATORS Georgia Tech @ Virginia Tech - HOKIES Ohio St. @ Iowa - BUCKEYE Oregon @ Arizona St. - DUCKS Boise St. @ Utah - UTAH Tennessee @ Memphis - VOLS Purdue @ Notre Dame - IRISH Michigan @ Minnesota - WOlverines UGA @ Ole Miss - DAWGS Colorado @ Missouri - BUFFS Cincinatti Bowtie Bama @ Florida - Crocs Georgia Tech @ Virginia Tech - Jawja Tek Ohio St. @ Iowa - Suckeyes Oregon @ Arizona St. - Quack Quack Boise St. @ Utah - Boise State Tennessee @ Memphis - UT Purdue @ Notre Dame - The God Squad Michigan @ Minnesota - MEEEchigan UGA @ Ole Miss - Jawja Colorado @ Missouri - Missoooouuu Irishjihad Bama @ Florida - Kills me, but gotta say Gaytors Georgia Tech @ Virginia Tech - Chan Gailey Ohio St. @ Iowa - Useless Nuts Oregon @ Arizona St. - Nike U Boise St. @ Utah - Broncs Tennessee @ Memphis - Urnge Purdue @ Notre Dame - ND Michigan @ Minnesota - Meeechigan UGA @ Ole Miss - Hunker Down Colorado @ Missouri - Mizzou

Some Butt Nuggets and Air Biscuits. A reader requested a quick site update

Explain this to me. SI reports that Notre Dame can reach a BCS Bowl for a second straight year without beating a ranked opponent. USC is the only forecasted top ten team remaining. It is a forgone conclusion that the Irish will receive a Michigan-esqe ass whipping in Los Angeles and still receive an at-large BCS Bowl berth. This is criminal. Brent and Beano fap-fap quietly. Coach Ed Orgeron, it must appear that we have a hardon for you. We don't, we really don't you just keeping on doing stupid shit and we will write about. Ole Miss fans, please explain why Pete Boone fired Cutcliffe. You arrogant pricks are now 4-11 under that batshit crazy loon. Coach Cutt on the other hand, appears to have fixed Tennessee's offense. From 90 to 30 in total offense. Pete Boone, Please do not fire Coach O. He is a poor man's Ron Zook. A couple of notes on the Blog:
  • 5 weeks old and over 56K in hits
  • IJ has pissed off EDSBS in a flame war (Roll Tide this week)
  • We have pissed off the Rivals Network somehow
  • Deadspin has picked up our Blog 4-5 times now. Is that a jewel? Or is there something bigger in Sports Blog Satire?
  • Florida still sucks. Jorts, Mullets, Sharting, Mota and Blumpkins are the rage in GainesvilleJortsville.
  • Urban Meyer is winning with Ron Zook's recruits
  • Proven facts that ESPN (sux), Knoxville, Memphis and other media read this Blog. We must be doing something right
  • TCU is no longer "the fly in the ointment" Now we just need Louisville to go away

Thursday, September 28, 2006

With apologies to irishjihad...

The Wizard of Odds: Queer Eyes for the Buckeyes

The Wizard of Odds: Queer Eyes for the Buckeyes

Vinny Calls for an Upset.

(Notice there are no women in this pic?) Last season Iowa went on the road to Ohio State and were destroyed, beaten to a bloody pulp, you could hardly make out their yellow pants the blood was so heavy. But this year it will be the silver britches that will get beat up. Watch for the Hawkeyes to pull the upset over the media darlings OSU and become a major factor in the Big Eleven championship race. A geightor blog

Please Pete Boone Do Not Fire This Man

Coach Ed Orgeron continues to provide new and fresh material (thanks for the tip Jeaux Bleaux) Hit it

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

She's definitly not low...

If you happen to be rolling through Belle Meade in Nashville and see smoke rising from Braeburn, the mansion of Vanderbilt Chancellor Gordon Gee, don't worry. It's not on fire. Gordon's wife is just firing up another doobie. That's right...in tuesday's Wall Street Journal, Constance Gee admits to toking up on a regular basis.
How much for that weed, old man?
Constance claims that she fires up the chronic for medicinal purposes. Apparently getting high helps relief the pain of her Meniere's disease. Um..........bullshit. Check out this quote from Dr. Timothy Hullar of Washington University School of Medicine...
Washington University's department of otolaryngology is one of two major centers of study on Meniere's. Hullar said the disease typically strikes people at early middle age. "And then by late middle age, it tends to burn out," he added. Hullar said he's never heard of anyone using medical marijuana to treat symptoms of Meniere's. "There are a whole lot of other ways to treat it — lowering salt intake, taking water pills, many other things — I can't imagine going to the extreme of marijuana."
So yeah...Constance is full of shit. She should just come out and say that she likes to fire up, put on some Foghat, eat some Doritos, and watch Neil Patrick Harris do a line of coke of a stripper's ass in "Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle".
The Doogie line always works on strippers.
Just remember, Constance...puff, puff, pass.

Coach O still having Issues. Why was David Cutcliffe Fired Wails Billy Brewer

Hotty toddy, gosh almighty, what has happened to Ole Miss? After winning with regularity under Billy Brewer, Tommy Tuberville and David Cutcliffe, the Rebels are floundering in their second season under Ed Orgeron. Ole Miss has won just four of 15 games under Orgeron entering Saturday’s game against Georgia, including lopsided losses the last three weeks to Missouri (34-7), Kentucky (31-14 ) and Wake Forest (27-3). I hope Orgeron never leaves. He is a source of never ending humor, myths, rumors and legends.

Orson?

Nico at Roll Bama Roll found Orson's demo tape, I believe we have found a very disturbing picture of Orson on vacation. The socks give it away.

The 5 Most Retarded SEC Traditions

by VolFan46205311979, special to LWS Tennessee's Vol Walk, State's cowbells, Bama's cheating. All important and time-honored traditions in the Southeastern Conference. But contrary to popular belief, not every one of the SEC's pigskin rituals is great. Let's take a look at the 5 most retarded traditions of our beloved conference. (5) "insert word"-eaux LSU country, while overpopulated with God-fearing, neo-fascist Republicans, reserves a special place in its heart for the Motherland - France. That's right. France. Don't let any of these ignorant buffoons attempt to explain it away. "Naw brotha. It ain't da France, it's Creole baby! Laissez les bon temps rouler!" Hey tardicus rex, that's French. I think it's noble that LSU fans take the time to celebrate their feminine side. It takes courage to completely emasculate yourself in front of your opponents. But LSU guy is a trailblazer, and he will fearlessly walk that line while proudly sporting the hat he stole from Dolemite and the pink plastic necklace he was tossed after showing a fat girl his testicles. The problem is that an LSU meaux faux doesn't kneaux bordeaux from J-Leaux. Their working knowledge of the land of stinky cheese is limited to "buffet" and "Chevrolet", and both are much more Louisiana than France. A little known fact, the word "go" in French is not spelled g-e-a-u-x. It's actually spelled f-a-g. Interestingly, that is how all French words are spelled. It's time we fellow SEC fans started giving LSU their due for sticking behind France, especially considering recent international events. Let's reward them for their bravery. I'll be the first if I must. Dear LSU, let me commend you on losing to a very bad Tennessee team at home in 2005. Your strength rivaled that of a liver pate. You displayed all the courage and bravery of the French 1st Battalion circa 1941. You geaux heauxmeaux. (4) Bear Obsession
We all know the story. In 1714, a young Bear Bryant saved an entire orphanage from certain death by pissing on a 4 alarm blaze and putting it out. In 1776, he penned the Declaration of Independence. In 1887, he invented the car. And in 19-something, he won a bunch of football games.
The problem is that the Bear isn't as hot as he used to be. He's still got the touch, yes, but there are reports that he has begun to slip. Ex-assistants have grumbled about his playcalling, suggesting that there are times when the Bear won't respond to questions or select a play for an entire game. Many have questioned his work ethic, as inside sources have revealed that he hasn't shown up to work in over twenty years.
Bammers remain confident, however. They continue to believe that he is the key to returning to national prominence. Some think that Bama is taking advantage of an old man, some would say that Bama should let Bryant rest in peace. But to quote the Bear, as played by Tom Beringer, "He ain't quitin".
(3) The "woo" in Rocky Top A personal subject, to be sure, and a contentious one at that. Rocky Top is a fantastic unofficial fight song. It encapsulates both the culture and landscape of the Smoky Mountains. More importantly, it is annoys opposing fans worse than a case of King Pubic Crabs. For those who don't know, let me fill you in on the background of the "woo". Decades ago, Rocky Top was a serious ode sung by men as tribute to the heroes on the field and the land in which they lived. It was sung in proud and severe tones as whiskey was guzzled, much like the Vikings of Northern Europe. Then came Mary Francis Henderson of Shelbyville, TN, who attended the 1976 Vandy game with her Phi Mu sisters. She did not know the words to Rocky Top, but after 7 vodka and Tab's, she decided she needed to participate. She interrupted her girlfriends' babbling and uttered these now famous words, "Oh my God, Rocky Top needs to be more sassy!" And so the "woo" was born. Rocky Top always starts well, but the "woo" crashes over me like Oprah on skis. I hear an especially enthusiastic "woo" from behind, and turn around to find four 14 year old girls cheering proudly. After the song, they sit down and begin text messaging each other, even though they are sitting side by side. They patiently wait for the next "woo" opportunity.
The "woo" represents everything wrong with modern college sports. After I hear it, I expect the "Fun Police" to begin shooting T-shirts into the crowd via air cannons. I anticipate mini-parachutes to come falling from above carrying certificates for free Rally's burgers. The "woo" is horrific, atrocious, degrading, nauseating and unjustifiable. Even Lulu and Junior disapprove.
(2) The rolling of Toomer's Corner Ahh, Auburn. Land of the hapless fan. If Auburn fans didn't have football, they would just play Magic the Gathering. They would be content with simply owning a comic book store. Following a win, thousands of Auburn fans take their finest toilet paper over to Toomer's Corner, a landmark on Auburn's campus, and young and old alike gleefully throw said paper into the trees. There are many high fives exchanged. After covering the earth with the paper, they then paint each other with pixiedust and begin a secret ceremony that is cryptically referred to as "the Tiger train". The toilet paper is said to allow for easy cleanup.

Aftermath indeed

Rolling is a right of passage for any 12 year old boy. The most important element of this act, however, is the risk of getting caught. Rolling university property with no chance of a penalty is like drugging your grandmother and then letting the air out of her tires. Kenny Irons, star running back and future biochemist, was asked in a recent interview about his favorite Auburn tradition. His response was more impressive than anything I could ever write: "The rolling of Toomer's Corner because I had never experienced anything so amazing in my life. When I came to Auburn I saw all these people huddled around this tree and I was like 'What is this?' You have all of these people and they have all of this toilet paper. They have soft toilet paper and every kind of toilet paper and they are throwing it at a tree. I was like 'Why are they throwing all of this toilet paper at a tree?'"

A fair question in my opinion.

(1) Ole Miss

I know what you are wondering. Which Ole Miss tradition is retarded?

All of 'em.

From the 18 M.P.H. speed limit to the seersucker to "Hotty Toddy", Ole Miss is the result of a retarded bomb going off in a piece of crap town populated with former high school beauty queens and Colonel Sanders.

The "pageantry" that they boast of is nothing more than a grass field crammed with folding tables and cheap tents picked up at the local K-Mart. Nowhere on earth will you find a higher proportion of red Solo cups, celery sticks, and Chex Mix to humans. Be wary of their shallow claims of classiness - yes those are saltines, yes that is a plastic tablecloth, yes those are McDonald's chicken nuggets, and no that is not your secret recipe for ranch dressing because it says Hidden Valley on the bottle.

Carrying the banner

The most important aspect of Ole Miss-dom, however, is a total lack of interest in the game. The tables, the food, the outfits, the liquor, the travel, the Rebel Walk - the whole damn show - is full of sound and fury, signifying nothing. Unfortunately for the Rebels, Ole Miss sucks at football. This fact is not lost on their fans, as the following war chant demonstrates: "We may not win every game, but we ain't never lost a party."

Ole Miss is so bad this year that they may just lose a party - to St. Benedict's Tuesday bingo game no less. But don't fear for the Rebels, they will keep coming back. Much like herpes, except that the herpes also brings cold chicken fingers from Kroger.

"Hotty Toddy, gosh almighty, who the hell are we?"

An even better question. Maybe Kenny Irons has an answer.

Beano "The Hoff" Cook and Brent "Woody" Musburger Throw Down

ABC and ESPN have turned Beano Cook and Brent Musburger in wildly-popular personalities. Their talent to capture the hearts and minds of their viewers is undeniable. The in-depth analysis below—based on ten whole minutes of research on EDSBS, Deadspin, Google, The Wizard of Odds the Urban Dictionary, and Wikipedia—asks the BIG question: “Who would win in a fight?” After you read our assessment, we'd like to know what you think: Carroll Hoff "Beano" Cook Height: 5'10" Weight: est. 285lbs Born: September 1, 1931 (Coincidently the same day that Paul "Bear" Bryant opens his infamous 10-day football mini-camp in Junction, Texas: The Junction Boys). Education: B.A. from the University of Pittsburgh in 1954. Strengths:
• Nicknamed at the age of seven from a neighbor in Pittsburgh, a reference to Cook's flatulence “issues”.
Developed the “Perfect Storm” Tailgate Kit. First person in recorded history to use Penis Floss as an offensive and defensive weapon on the contiguous battlefield. • Same middle name as the famous Baywatch actor: Know in Germany as The Hoff • Fire-in-the-Belly: Musburger is holding Beano down; Musburger’s Man Crushes are much more publicized. Anyone remember the A.J. Hawk love-fest from the Fiesta Bowl? Weaknesses: • His legendary flatulence problems can be debilitating to Beano (and his foe) • Insanely Afraid of the JoePa: This would be difficult for Musburger to exploit, he’s crafty. • Still has a panniculus ( could also be a strength) Brent Woody Musburger Height: est.6’2” Weight: est. 180lbs. Born: May 26, 1939 (Shares a birthday with Hank Williams Jr.) in Portland, Oregon Education: Unknown Strengths: • Amateur Herpetologist; once reversed constricted a 10 foot Python. The enormous snake died within 10 minutes trapped in Musburger’s deadly coils. Has a game named for him. •Athletic: Rumored to have two penises. Hence the middle name “Woody” Weaknesses: • Predictability: Musburger telegraphs his moves ahead of time. Ask Pete Carroll. • Complacency: Musburger is on top right now and may rely on his recent success to heavily. He may underestimate Beano, which would be a huge mistake. Bottom Line: Both Brent and Beano would bring a lot to the match. Brent is crafty, agile, and may have two penises. He’s certainly the people’s favorite, but not by an incredibly huge margin. Plus, Musburger has been know to have hallucinations about grappling small woodland creatures, he might not be very good at fighting. Beano has the weight, reach, experience, fire in the big belly, and the power of God on his side. Plus, if he fights as he is losing his man-crush Jimmy Clausen (pictured below) to another person, it’s a lock. Big Ten Homers know fighting; it’s what they do. Prediction: Brent (the underdog), by split decision…with Beano contesting the results of the votes.

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Getting an early start on Georgia

Bowling for Gators

Nice follow-thru

Hey Gheightors

This man beat Spurrier twice. IN THE SAME YEAR.

Dubose always loved a good titty-twister

Chris Leak will need several of these towels. Designed by the ame people who brought you Gatorade

From a Photoshop Legend

That's right, a legend.

Vols Travelling to Memphis. Advice Received via an Email

Thanks again for the TIP Jogle and VolBoy7 from Volquest (1) Do not ever travel south of Park or north of Summer. (2) Do not attempt to see what's across the tracks from the Liberty Bowl. (3) Do not tell anyone that they have nice rims. (4) Do not expect the Memphis police to be helpful in any way, even if you are being mugged in front of them. (5) Feel free to drink and drive, the only way you will get pulled over is if you are blaring porn on the multiple TV's in the headrests of your Escalade. (6) North Parkway and South Parkway runs east to west. East Parkway runs north to south. Stay off Airways, Lamar and Martin Luther King. (7) If staying in or near Germantown, be prepared to be harassed by the local police at least twice. (8) Yes, Cordova is the cheesiest five mile stretch in the Western world. If you like everything franchised, you will be in heaven. (9) Do not shop at Hickory Ridge Mall. Ever. If shopping at Oak Court, take your gun. (10) Actually, take your gun everywhere, including church, the bar, and the game. (11) Everything you have heard about Memphis is true. Do not trust the local polticians and city officials, Downtown in not safe after dark. Finally, just go to Tunica.

EDSBS has thrown down the smack gauntlet

Oh no he didunt! OK Orson, it is on like Donkey Kong. After Urban Meyer revealed to LWS the lengths that Bob 'Blumpkin' Tebow goes to insure Tim sees playing time, IJ did some investigative work and found out what Meyer wears while Bob does his thang.

This gator doesn't bite, but it does spit.

LWS NEEDS TENNESSEE-UGA TICKETS

LWS is looking for two UT-UGA tickets, preferably in the UT section............. We need to send our correspondent, Lloyd Braun, to Athens to make sure our readers get the best possible covereage. Please post all offers in the comment section of this blog.

Monday, September 25, 2006

Language Complaints...

Apparently there have been a few complaints on a couple of other sites about the language we use here. Some people can't seem to handle reading fuck, shit, and blumpkin on a regular basis. We here at Loser With Socks would like to issue an official statement on these complaints....

Brent Schaeffer's Wacky Ride

Against that intimidating Wake Forest defense (moderator - please insert laughing face here, or a Snickers Bar) Brent Schaeffer was responsible for three turnovers. Among those turnovers was an interception that could quite possibly be ranked among the worst passes of all time. I wonder how many people out there are still afraid that BS is "gonna light up the conference"??

Update on the Coach O rumor...

A couple of stories (all unconfirmed) are circulating about this incident... Story 1 Orgeron's neighbor sent Orgeron's kids home from playing rough or something with her kids. Orgeron comes home, busts a gut when he hears about it, and goes over to the neighbor's house (wife at home, not the husband) and kicks the door in and has a screaming fit. It scares the women to death so she calls her husband, who calls the cops and wants to file a restraining order. He goes to the police station where he is met by Robert Kayak, who talks him out of it. Story 2 O's kids were playing ball outside, broke the guy's window. The guy went over to their house to mention it to Mrs. O. Supposedly said, just wanted to say, maybe tell the kids to be more careful from now on. Also supposedly Mrs. O was cordial and considerate to the guy. Well, O gets home from work later on, Mrs. O mentions the incident and O goes next door, goes IN the guy's house and threatens to kick the crap out of him. Obviously all of us at LWS are getting erections over this story and will be following it closely. More updates to come.

Rumor Mill on Coach O

Unconfirmed rumors being posted on Scout and Memphis Boards. As Follows:
inside scoop on the alleged restraining order by his dentist neighbor after the ruckus over the broken window incident? OM board trying to play it down but still----. You would think he has enough problems with his fb team. further reports indicate the neighbor is a well established booster who has pull. reportedly the ad and pres both arrived at the booster's home within 20 minutes of the alleged O/booster confrontation which involved lots of namecalling and shouting.
More to follow

Disturbing Reports coming out of Tuscaloosa...

I'm hearing strange reports from some of my sources down in Tuscaloosa. It seems that after his tremendous 1-4 kicking performance, Leigh "Wiffin" Tiffin attempted suicide. Tiffin allegedly tried to shoot himself in the head. The attempt failed after the bullet missed, wide right. Thank you, thank you. I'll be here all week. Don't forget to tip your waitresses and be sure to try the veal.

Whiffin' Tiffin

IJ's not gonna pretend that he can place kick a football, BUT let's say IJ missed a short field goal to the right, he may even miss his next attempt wide right, but he dang sure isn't gonna miss field goals 3-4 wide right!!!!!

Tiffin, seen here pondering his chances against a one-legged man in a kicking contest.

Photo (Tidesports.com)

Excuse IJ if he seems emotional. Saturday left him feeling very distraught, and Sunday didn't do much to help since his Dolphins looked just as bad as the horrible Titans. IJ will spend the rest of the week funneling Kool-Aid so he can go into the Florida game with at least a tiny bit of optimism.

Memphis Coach says: I Helped Coach O to Erect the Memphis Fence

[LWS was able to interview Memphis Tiger Head Coach Tommy West. The Tigers tangle with the Tennessee Volunteers this Saturday.]

The following interview between Tommy West and LWS took place “outside the wire” near Memphis TN, on September 24, 2006. “Outside the Wire” is defined as outside of the fence that surrounds the City of Memphis. Ed Orgeron, who bragged he'd erect a "fence around Memphis" for recruiting, but after the last two seasons, he'd be better off trying to build a fence around Oxford.

(A shot of the Memphis City Limits as of 9/24/06)

LWS: Coach, firstly thanks for giving us your time. I know it’s hard for you to get out and away from the fence.

Tommy West: Thanks very much, I'm enjoying it so far. [Coach West begins to ravenously eat a Hardees Hamburger]

LWS - Hungry Coach? You should eat a little slower, enjoy the meal.

TW - Listen punk [ He has a little mayo on the corner of his mouth] I'm a Memphis Tiger. Food is food. I'm fucking starving. I would eat an entire Chippendales revue right now and wash it down with Siegfried and Roy without batting an eyelash.

LWS - Well, that sounded gay.

TW - Do you check every burger you eat to make sure there's no bull meat in it?

LWS - Of course not.

TW - Then maybe you're gay.

LWS - It's not the same and you know it. Besides, you could have said you would have eaten the Beavers or some firemen. But you went for Chippendales and Siegfried and Roy. Let's just call those interesting choices.

TW - Dude. Siegfried, Roy. Tigers. Hello?

LWS - Can you tell us something about your pre-Orgeron life.

TW - I was the former Clemson head football coach who came to Memphis in 2000 as defensive coordinator, was hired as the Tigers' 21st head coach on November 30, 2000. My hiring has proven to be very beneficial for the U of M football program, I like to think that I am popular coach because I have lead my Tigers to a 24-13 record the last three years, as well as three-consecutive bowl appearances for the first time ever in Tiger football history.

TW - You met Coach O at a roller-skating rink is that right?

TW – What the fuck? Yeah. My cousin introduced me to Orgeron. We got along really good at first, both of us really like Roller Derby.

LWS - I'd like to play a little word association game with you now. I'll say a word or words and you say the first thing that comes to your mind, okay?

TW - I will play along. For a while.

LWS – DeAngelo Williams

TW – Apple strudel

LWS – Spread Option

TW- Blumpkins

LWS – Fences

TW – Pronouns

LWS – Interesting answers Coach

TW – M.E.M.P.H.I.S.

LWS- (How did he just add those periods to Memphis?) Coach, we’re done with the word association game.

TW – I know

LWS - So let’s stop dancing Coach. I want to commend you on your bravery in dealing with Coach O. What is your pain?

TW – It was servitude. He told me I had to do 'Anything'. When he asked me to go to work with him, I said 'Doing what?' and he said 'Anything I need'. He said driving and taking care of things for him.

LWS - Excuse me, I get a little choked up when I hear you tell it like that. What was going through you mind?

TW - Because we had fun at first, erecting the fence around the city. The responsibilities weren't there. The security wasn't like it was for him at USC, it wasn't like it was going to be in '04 when he was recruiting in Southern California, it was a different ballgame. But we had some of the Memphis Mafia guys on the gate and so forth. But we just had fun, we'd pull pranks. The crews, they all wanted to get back on Coach O’s fence. At Oxford and Jackson wherever we were, people couldn’t wait to get back because the Coach O’s fence erection was so much fun. The players loved him; they were included in the pranks and getting him and so on. We had a good time and there wasn't a lot of pressure. And at that time, O was still able to go out on the streets and not draw huge crowds like he did later. He was more of a movie star then than a football coach.

LWS – Eventually the relationship went sour, why?

TW - Well, it’s really awkward and hard for me to talk about. One late night, after several zinfandels, he confessed his sins. He showed me the fence paperwork. The fence around Memphis was for Ole Miss. Ole Miss only. I wept…

LWS – Is this the purchase order for the fencing? [I hand him the paper below)

(Click Image to enlarge)

TW - Yes. Yes, it is. I get extremely emotional when I see that paper.

LWS - How do you feel about the whole thing?

TW - There are times when I wish I hadn’t help build the fence. There are times when I feel com… Compelled to do it. If you asked me, would I do it again, do I think it’s worth it? Yeah I think it’s worth it.

LWS - When did you know “it” was over?

TW – He changed the lock on the gate and didn’t tell me. Here is the old key he gave me. It don’t unlock anything anymore. Sometimes, I hold that key real tight.

LWS – Uhhh, alright then….I mean that’s cool. How does Coach O get along with other coaches?

TW – O has had some great relationships. There was Les Miles, he was cold and aloof. The ice queen, this and that. But O’s charm… a few days being around him, he just wore right down. He started cutting up with us. O just defrosted him. He also had a great relationship with Mike Shula. O went after him from the first SEC Media Days. He thought he was adorable: he was petite like he liked. The chemistry was there.

LWS – So Coach O is coming out with a fragrance?

TW – Its going to be called “Orgerons Ball Sweat Cologne”

LWS - Uuuhmm that’s pretty interesting.

TW - (laughs) Yeah, it’s interesting all right. That's what ruined our relationship; he I came up with the idea and took full credit for it. I really thought that he needed to get away from his titty twisting and wild boyz image.

LWS – So the fence is built, he changes the lock to the gate, declares Memphis is really in Mississippi and the thing that destroys your relationship is his new cologne?

TW – Yes, I am so ashamed, I can’t recruit in my own city. Ole Miss now looks at us as their “signature” game now. Coach O is my Coach Red Beaulieu and I am his Coach Klein (Seen Below).

{sensing that TW was turning into jelly, and useless to continue, I decided to end the interview}

LWS - Thank you again for meeting with me. Any advice for our readers?

TW - Yeah. Don’t ever try to fuck with me or I’ll have you in shit up to your ears.

(As Always, these interviews are satire and fiction. Not to be construed as real or the truth)

Pick 'Em Results

It was a good week for almost everyone. Anybody know where IJ can find a kicker? Man, it's gonna take a while to get over that one. Now Bama's got to go to Jortsville. Great. Oh yeah, and Michigan St., IJ has never seen a team grasp defeat from the jaws of victory so effortlessly. Nice work. And congrats to Sly Croom for his team not only scoring, but actually winning. Yay!! Last Week 1. Tie: Big Papi, Volfan8723465, & LWS (8-2) 4. Cincy Bowtie, Grill Viper, & Lloyd Braun (7-3) 7. Irishjihad (6-4) Overall 1. Irishjihad (40-8) 2. Big Papi (37-11) 3. Cincinatti Bowtie (36-12) 4. VolFan 38476520 (32-15) 5. Tie: Grill Viper & Lloyd Braun (31-17) 7. LWS (25-23)

Play the Frosh. You Gotta Play the Frosh

I think some people get bored watching the same players. So they create this stupid idea in their pea-brain that playing guys with no experience will translate into instant magic and wins. That's a brilliant idea Orange Burl. What think tank do you work for?

Fans (and people in general) Are Stupid

I knew when I logged onto Volkwest this morning, I would read that "Coker should have been starting all along". I also knew that "we would have beaten Florida if Coker had started". Stupid fans, so easily influenced. They think we are a lock for the national title game when we beat Cal, they think Fulmer should be fired after we lose by one point to a higher ranked team. Now that Coker breaks a long run (a refreshing sight I agree) they think that he would have solved all of our problems. Somehow his presence would have turned into a group of bulldozers against that Gator D-line. Stupid fans.

Saturday, September 23, 2006

Smokey and the Blowup Gator Doll: A Love Story

Hot off the presses

Urban Meyer Saves DT Marcus Thomas's Mota Suspension as a "do over"

This is rich shit. What kind of house is Urban Meyer keeping down there in Gainesville Jortsville? The Dee Webb/Andre Caldwell/Reggie Lewis AR-15 and AK-47 incident? [Geightor Locker Room?] Why isn't the media all over this guy? Is he the chosen one? Coincidence that Thomas is suspended after the UT game? Not that it would have mattered if he played or not. This smells like Chris Leak in the huddle after he has called the option play. As for the Thomas Affair:
During a Southeastern Conference coaches teleconference call with reporters, Meyer declined to immediately comment. According to two sources, Thomas failed two drug tests, both this summer. The first positive test led to Thomas being suspended for Florida's season opener, one source said. If the appeal of Thomas is denied, he would be suspended half of the season
To paraphrase from another Blogger: Urban is being ridiculed on this blog for his decision to let his players play the game, great men often are, but true Geightor fans recognize the service he has given to the school and his team. We should all learn from Urban's shining example and show our appreciation and love for the Geightor Nation. Next time you run into a Geightor make sure to buy him a Nickelbag and tell him not to worry, Coach has you covered.

UGA Cheerleader Auction

The Georgia Cheerleaders and Hairy Dawg would be the perfect addition to your party. This package includes shakers and G-Strings for everyone, two(2) (alternative lifestyles-friendly) cheerleaders and Hairy Dawg (doubles as camera man) attending your party. Due to travel limitations, the party must be within 60 miles of Athens. Also, the appearance time for the cheerleaders and Hairy Dawg would be a maximum of two(2) hours and the party would need to be scheduled at a mutually agreeable date within the next year (October 2, 2006 – October 1, 2007). Home - georgiadogs.com - Official Team Auction

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Friday, September 22, 2006

A View On American Football: From Across the Pond

"All that padding and great big helmets. Are they scared of getting their knees grazed on that nasty old astroturf? Or maybe getting their hair all ruffled up? These are great big blokes, but what a bunch of scaredy cat softies. Diddums this 240lb hulk of muscle has just scratched his little finger. Kiss it better for him." Editor's Note - For this and other boffo comments, please click the title of this blog to take you to the message board. It is good reading!!!

What the fuck is this shit?

This shit right here: :^) What kind of a fucking idiot uses that crap? No, I'm not pissed at all of the :) or the :( or even the :...( You know why? Because they fucking mean something. There is a direct correlation between the symbol and the emotion represented. That's why they are called emoticons, assholes. There is an emotion behind them. Way too often I see these stupid fucking assholes putting this shit :^) They think it has something to do with being funny. Like, "Hey everybody, look at me, this is the symbol I use for when I'm joking! This means I'm funny." No, motherfucker. You are not funny. And neither is your stupid fucking nose-laughy thing. Do you grow a nose or something after you tell a joke? I sure as fuck don't. So please, take your ridiculous :^) and blow it out your ass. Fuck.

From VolJunkie

Thursday, September 21, 2006

Big Papi Picks 'Em

Welcome back to another week of Pick 'Ems. Considering the difficulty of games last week, a 6-4 record wasn't that bad. Except on the games I missed...I was totally fucking wrong. One team certainly made me look like a complete asshole last week. Let's just pretend this quote from last week's pick 'ems was never typed...
Michigan is the most overrated team in the country. They're not good...trust me.
OK I was wrong. Michigan beat the absolute living hell out of Notre Dame. They looked really good. I also said the final score of the Texas Tech-TCU game would be around 83-81. Yeah, grand total of 15 points scored in that game with ZERO fucking touchdowns. And apparently Louisville is either really fucking good or Miami is really fucking bad...probably a little bit of both. But I also did say that Clemson would upset Florida State and to never pick a team coached by Les Miles in a close game. Enough of last week...on to this week's picks... Wisconsin at Michigan After calling them the most overrated team in the country last week and having them shove it down my throat, I'm not even going to bother analyzing this one. At least the Badgers get to return to the Liquor Capital of the World to console themselves. Winner- Michigan Minnesota at Purdue I know nothing about either one of these teams...and I don't really feel like looking anything up about them either. I fucking hate the Big 10. I don't like anything about the conference at all. I would like to thank Minnesota for making my Vols look better by getting their asses spanked by Cal but that doesn't mean I'm picking them here. Time to go to Mr. Washington...in a literal coin flip, I'll take the home team. Winner- Purdue Iowa State at Texas Is there another good conference in the NCAA other than the SEC? The Big 12 is a total fucking joke. There's Texas and 11 corn filled pieces of crap. Seriously...last year's Big 12 North champion lost to a fucking D-1AA school. Winner- Texas West Virginia at East Carolina My God, the games this week are total shit. If this game is closer than 3 touchdowns I'll end every sentence in next weeks Pick Ems with "Argh". Actually that would be fucking annoying but you get my drift... Winner- West Virginia Kentucky at Florida This may be the only time all season where Chris Leak won't need this... Winner- Florida Boston College at NC State The first actual good game this week. BC can't seem to remember a game is only 4 quarters long but...any game with this guy involved is fucking easy to pick... Amato is the ACC's version of Les Miles. Except with weird sunglasses instead of a goofy hat. Winner- Boston College Notre Dame at Michigan State I would like to thank Charlie Weis and Brady Quinn for making me look like a total douche bag last week. Some strange stats in this game...Michigan State has won 7 out of the last 9 in the series and Notre Dame is 2-5 after facing Michigan the past 7 years. Yeah...I tried to pick with trends last week and it didn't fucking work. I don't think they're going to hold up this week. Winner- Notre Dame USC at Arizona USC is good, Arizona sucks. Winner- USC Arizona State at Cal I think Cal is a really good team. They were just totally unprepared and out of their league when they tried to step into SEC country and play the Vols. But now back in their No-defense conference and hippy sanctuary, they should be fine. Winner- Cal Penn State at Ohio State Joe Pa might be the hardest coach in college football and Jim Tressel might be a sweater-vest wearing pussy but the Buckeyes shouldn't have any problems here. Winner- Ohio State Record to date: 23-7