Monday, October 16, 2006

Bama Fan to Return Home. Auburn Students Protest

When I heard that Auburn students were gathering to protest the return of Bama fan Nathan Davis to the State of Alabama (Davis is planning on attending the Iron Bowl) by performing a group vomit, this was my first thought: Silly Barners. My second thought was: I gotta get in on this. I decided to practice my vomiting in the passenger seat of my Ford Expedition on the way to Auburn. I downed several fistfuls of the tiny bottles of Absolut that my Uma Thurman- looking wife kept handing me as fast as I could pour them down my throat. Then I leaned forward into the plastic garbage bag and tried to repulse myself with the image of Nathan Davis. Davis made internet history last year by displaying his hideous and garish tattoos all over SEC Message Boards. A brief description of the tattoos follows:
A Crimson Tide elephant adorns his right bicep, and a tattoo of the late Paul "Bear" Bryant decorates the left one. A likeness of former UA quarterback Kenny "Snake" Stabler is tattooed inside his right forearm and the Alabama state flag is sketched inside his left one. He has a matching set of signature Alabama A's inside each of his biceps, which he shows off when he flexes his muscles in the gym, and another one just below his Adam's apple. The outside of each of his forearms spells out the words "Rammer" and "Jammer," from the UA victory cheer. His "masterpiece", which cost $3,500 and took a couple of years to complete, is a portrait of Bryant leaning against a goalpost and wearing his trademark houndstooth hat. It covers the bulk of Davis' massive back.
No vomit was forthcoming. Was I a Bama-Monger after living here for over 3 years? No, that could not be it. Just last week I'd cursed out a Bammer who took a little too long crossing against a light on Ross Clark Circle in Dothan, but I had managed to refrain from smearing her under the tires of my SUV even though I couldn't catch the green. In true Bammer tradition, I spit Red Man at her and called her kids ugly bastards. So I waited ten minutes, availing myself of with an old copy of Sports Illustrated featuring "Bama's Back". No dice, not even the feature story on the impending doom on the SEC because of the Tide's return back to the national spotlight was imminent was going to work. I must really like Bama, I thought. I conjured a breaking-news tableau where Davis had announced his own unique and Bammer- proofed computer software to enhance photos. This made me sad, but my stomach was still cast-iron and unshakeable.
(Screenshot of the application has user friendly icons like Rebel Flags, sheep, money, ice cream cones and Bear Bryant that is virtually idiot proofed for any Alabama Fan to use) A confusing collage of alcohol-fueled imagery, but no nausea. I was starting to feel mighty homerish. I couldn't even puke on a cocktail of collateral damage and Rivals homoerotica. I knew that I would never join the stomach-voiding protest. I passed the time staring out the window put away beer after beer while watching each small lil Bammer town pass by. Thinking to myself that this state really was just dial-up while everyone else was cable modem. Somewhere around my tenth pint of Foster's, I joined the anti-Bama movement. As I remembered this quote from Nathan: 'Sir, my mama always told me it doesn't make a difference how you find God, as long as you find him. And through UA, Bear Bryant, and Van Tiffin, I have found God.'

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I'm coming...tick tock...tick tock.