Friday, October 13, 2006

Is Tim Tebow God? We Asked the Hard Questions and This is What We Learned

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Earlier this month we uncovered a pagan Religion that is capturing the National Sports Media. We discussed this religion with a longtime Florida Gator Fan who chose to remain unknown for fear of religious persecution. Why do you worship Tebow as a God? Because Tebow is the closest thing to a God that Gators can know and understand. We worship Tebow, and we can prove that not only does Tebow exist, but unlike any other god, it exists as we know it. If Tebow is God, who is Satan? Good question, but the answer should be obvious. Satan is quite simply Chris Leak. Who founded this religion? Urbanlism and the Church of Tebow were founded by Gary Danielson. Gary is a Color Analyst for CBS Sports. For privacy protection purposes, no other personal information will be disclosed about him. What is the purpose of Urbanlism? The main purpose of Urbanlism is to promote the spread of Florida Football through the use of Tebow. There is nothing on earth that connects Gators with the knowledge they desire so fast and effectively than Tebow. We believe in the cliché "knowledge is power", and so should you. Does Tebow perform miracles? Why, yes She does. This year a non-believer (Leak) procrastinated on running for a first down. It was a pivotal moment in the game and he HAD to clamp down and start taking some hits. He, as always, consulted Tebow and Her vast index of Man-cake testosterone. Sure enough the mighty Tebow provided him with the hormones he needed. The first down was done in a little under 3 rushing attempts and he ended up getting an "A" from the Gator Coaching staff (but sadly Leak was booed by the Florida fans anyway). Definitely something many would consider a Miracle, all thanks to Tebow and Her mighty Algorithms (Algorithm defined for Gators: Songs without musical instruments.) There are coaches using similar techniques as Tebow, are they Gods as well? The short answer is yes, but to a lesser degree. Tebow is the best at what She does and therefore the most powerful of the Gods. Do not mistake a demon such as Auburn’s Brandon Cox or UGA’s Joe Cox for a God. Demons sometimes disguise themselves as the Under Armour “Click Clack” or in Cox’s case a red-headed step child. I always thought Tebow was a male? Sorry dude, Tebow does not have a penis, or a vagina for that matter. Originally, religions of the past thought of Gods as feminine. It wasn't until monotheistic, Abrahamic religions such as Christianity, Islam and Judaism entered the picture that the concept of "God" became masculine. Basically you have been conditioned by your culture to view all Deities as male. The Church of Tebow is simply carrying on the ancient tradition of viewing Gods as feminine. It's not about us being reverse sexist toward men or anything. It's just about breaking a cultural taboo. What is the Tebow Trinity? The Tebow Trinity consists of the Urban Meyer, ESPN and Nike’s Briscoe High. Alone they are nothing, but combined they form a powerful entity. Is there a Tebow afterlife? By uploading our thoughts and opinions onto Florida Football Message Boards, we live on in Tebow's cache even after our death. What is the history of Urbanlism? The tale of the Church of Tebow is an inspirational story that will move every fiber of your being. The shocking tale can be read in its entirety after it is written. Urbanlism sounds GREAT! How do I spread the word? In short, the best way to promote our Church is to pray to Tebow (outsiders know this as "to search" for "to The Bow") for blogs or websites you think would be interested in and post about our snazzy new religion. If you're a member of an online community (discussion board or forum) you might want to put a link to us in your signature or start a topic asking "Is Tebow God?”. I'm VERY interested in becoming a Urbanlist Minister. Where do I apply? Click on the comments link of this page. Basically, you'll need to prove yourself before being ordained. Remember that becoming a minister will never require you to "donate" money. If you chose to donate money, you'll do it for the right reasons.

43 comments:

irishjihad said...

IJ thought an algorithm was a melody played by a former vice-president

RaleighGator said...

I'm a preacher for The Bow. I want to bear Urban's Love Child.

RaleighGator said...

Gimme some of Urban's manseed as I hum rockytop while urban teabags me

NYGator said...

Leak is not satan. I don't think this funny

Chief Nole said...

Good story

Jeff Bowden said...

Classic Gator crap. Hope Urban gets put on probation

Nole1973 said...

This is not far from the truth. They really hate chris leak and urban is ready to kick him to the curb first chance he gets

Burt Reynolds FSU Alumni said...

tebow and Urban.A match from hell

Ben said...

We don't hate Chris leak stop being an idiot. As for probation what would he need to be put on probation for. Got any reasons or are you pulling stuff out of your @$$

diddygator said...

Obviously, this is not funny. Why do you all make fun of our great leader Tim Tebow? He is really awesome and really hawt

LWS said...

Diddy

We make fun of Florida because it is easy and it is fun. We love it when Gators act this shit doesn't bother them and we love the stupid comments you post to our blog.

LWS said...

Ben

It is common knowledge that Gators hate Chris Leak. He slides and runs out of bounds rather than fight for the first down.

Ben, you complete me

GatorTheo said...

let's honor Chris Leak for all the quarters of football he won while at the tradition-laden university of Florida. a statue would be nice.

PAGator said...

why aren't people putting Leak's name in for a canidate in the heisman race? he has prooved that he can win the big games. as for Urban Meyer, well personlly i love him. he's calm under pressure and know's exactly what he want's from his ballteam. it would not suprise me if he had the Gators playing for the nat. championship next year. just give hime time !!!

skatergator said...

I salute Chris Leak, he is wheaties champion!

VTgator said...

Skatergator, i am with you. Ihope they put this team on a wheaties box

Mike Shula said...

Foley and Tebow?
http://alabama.rivals.com/showmsg.asp?Override=1&mid=80855660&tid=80844291&sid=885&fid=878&style=2

Anonymous said...

Just like the bammernation to start thatcrap up. Jest because ole Bow was homeskooled don't mean he can operate one of them aolpager thangs

Gatornuts said...

i have been a florida fan since charlie pell coached at the university of florida. hell,i remember the championship team of 1990soemthing. this team this year is a very good team but not being consistent. urban meyer is not steve spurrier but he should tell his kids to call moma and play with all their hearts and minds for their school and their parents. fight and play your best with all your ability and stay focused. you put in your mind you can win and do your dang best to win. and win one for the Leak.

UFstifler said...

i love coach meyer, he is the best coach in the world.

seattle gator said...

have been a huge gator fan my entire life and am proud to be an alumni of university. i live in seattle washington now and i always hear remarks of how stupid people are from florida. i have even been told that my degree from florida is no better than a high school degree in the state of washington. maybe the good people of florida are not as modern and are not as intellectual driven like people in the city of seattle or new york, but football is our expression. florida gator football is a since of pride for people from florida. it used to say to the rest of the nation that we know ya'll all think were stupid and ignorant, but here's a taste of our football team. here's a dose of the orange and blue that full of heart, toughness, and guts and is always able to hit you in the mouth and will do whatever it takes to win. then people from florida can say maybe were not as intellectual, but we know how to beat ass. it saddens me that we have lost that.

Chris Leak said...

Tim Tebow? who's this kid? was he highly recruited? never heard of him. i know which quarterback meyer really loves!

Daddy Roof said...

Urban is just tweaking the offense so that when time comes he can unleash the gators on all of the nation ya'll will see the brillance soon last week it was tebow he got in gear this week he will get the kicker thing back to normalcy and next week he will make sure the other team does not pay the umpires. He will pay them first like he did against LSU

NCTider said...

It was obvious to everybody in the stadium that the Tide dominated the Gators in all phases of the game, and the Refs took another one away from us. Bama will win the rest and be in the SECC ... mark my words.

Mark Foley said...

i think this is a touching story of the love shared by a coach and his player. i will be following this story much closer now that i have more free time on my hands. coach meyer you have my support.

Garnet rulez said...

i'm sure florida will get snubbed from the nc game which will be funny =)

smokey said...

halll no!!! you bunch of hicks should just get you a nice big coach....that could beat the otherun up. like mark mango in kansas or ralph fregsilaesn from marryland. meyer sucks.....but keep him so whe can whip you this year and every year from now on...

GatorDad1A said...

thank you for starting this website to promote our beloved coach. some people think it is a joke but us true fans know that you are sending a positivie message.

Percey said...

we couldn't find no body better to guide the Gator Cruise ship. cum needs to have his contract extended for ten more years. that way, he has more power to bring in those 5-star recruits, like tim tebow.

LWS said...

Dad,

You seem confused. This website does not support Florida or Urban Meyer.

LWS said...

Nole79,

Florida can't kick a ball to the curb. Much less Chris Leak

Jerry Swine-feld said...

this website is gay.you dont see florida fans makin a website about how auburn lost to arkansas. they got that azz whopped lol. its funny now cuz arkansas is good when they play yall but when its us they suck. its the same team that played us well anyways yall need to quit runnin that mouth.

Jerrell Powe said...

diSaod cant red realgood yet butt i plya fer olemis and coch o

alpharettagator said...

The blog is BS! Chris Leak is an incredible student athlete and a great ambassador for the University if Florida. I don't care if subtitles are required when he speaks!

Curtis Leak said...

I hate chris leak

C.J. Leak said...

Me too Dad, chris sucks

Bob Tebow said...

ditto

UFMike22 said...

I hate em. I pray every night for tebow

Anonymous said...

Auburn fans genuinely care for and love the Tigers and the university. That's why we were blown away to hear that Gator fans booed Urban Meyer after he took out freshman Tim Tebow and put in senior Chris Leak at quarterback. Tiger fans wouldn't dream of booing Tommy Tuberville. They don't make pedestals tall enough for our beloved head coach.

Graves said...

LWS,

Can you confirm that ESPN Full Circle will have this lineup?

ESPN- Tim Tebow exclusive camera
ESPN2- "Blumpkin Cam"- exclusive look at Bob Tebow
ESPNU- Urban Meyer. Pointing. Staring.
ESPN360- Shart Cam
ESPN Radio- Psalms from the Book of Tebow

Thanks,

Graves

Anonymous said...

Is there some sorta website cookie that blocks these dumb ass florida people from getting on this web site? I enjoy reading the stories but the comments these dumb ass gators make on here takes away from the experience.

LWS said...

Thanks El Brujo for the Tebow Church Avatar and the Minister Banner.

Anonymous said...

Yea Leaks sucks ass.

Only good thing I can say about him is he's better than UT.