Sunday, October 01, 2006

Me and Richt getting Hammered

Mark Richt and I are shitfaced . The kind of drunk that in your college days you would only recall when the pictures showing your friend's genitalia looming perilously close to your unconscious face returned from the drug store. The kind of drunk that has you at an International House of Pancakes on the southside of Atlanta at 5 a.m. with four kinds of syrup running down the edge of your table as you fork more silver dollar dough into your craw.

"I don't know where I got this reputation as a humorless tightass," says Richt, barely comprehensible through a faceful of hash browns. "I'm as fun as the next guy. Did people expect me to light my farts on fire while I'm trying to think up new ways to tell the ESPN Gameday Crew as little as possible to protect the offensive schemes of my football team?" Richt asks, then lets out a belch that rattles cheap silverware in a three table radius. I shake my head, keeping an eye on my plate. Richt’s fork has made three surgical strikes across our table already, spiriting off a couple of chunks of French toast and an entire sausage link. "There's no pleasing people." I notice a river of strawberry syrup rolling down the front of his white UGA polo, then remember it was there before we ever sat down to eat. "But now that I'm getting out from behind the shadows of Jim Donnan and Ray Goff (no information exists on Ray Goff anymore so there is no hyperlinks), people are going to see the real me." A waitress cases our table, trying to anticipate when our third carafe of orange juice will empty. Or rather, when Richt is going to empty it. He catches her eye and she playfully indicates that he should wipe his upper lip, where a fragment of chocolate-chip pancake is cemented by the syrup. He licks his lips and smacks the waitress on what in more delicate times was referred to as a fanny, and she giggles and shuffles off to the kitchen.

"I don't know where the sex symbol thing came from either," he begins, waving his fork around his head, seemingly delineating the boundaries of his kingdom of cocksmithery. "People know you have access to aura of Georgia Football, they see the butt cutt haircut and crisp shirts, and they connect the dots. I totally take advantage of that. I get a lot of questions as to where I get my haircut. I get my hair cut at the same place as Pervez Musharraf. Its always Helen Hunt or Musharraf. I am sick of the comparisons. "The waitress returns with a fresh jug of juice. Richt takes a long swig from it then pours the rest on his pancakes. Most of it winds up on the floor. Long after the carafe is empty, I continue to hear the sound of liquid tumbling into a puddle and I realize that he's urinating under the table.

(GATA!!!)

"What good is coaching if you can't live a little?" he asks.

(Some of you freaks think that these event actually occurred. IT IS FICTION, SATIRE, MAKE BELIEVE, STORIES LIKE NURSERY RHYMES)

30 comments:

big ole nasty gator said...

This is pretty funny. I bet some of the Dawgs won't get it. Dumb asses

gallavol said...

Wow, pretty good writing. That pakistani guy does look like Richt

UGAly said...

This is not funny, well-written but I don't like it.

Rebel Richman said...

you guys are fuckers. The fart lighting was excellent.

Thank goodness you stop busting on Coach O

LWS said...

You Dawgs have thin skin, blow it out your asses

ragsterDawg said...

I realize that he's urinating under the table.
CMR will always use a urinal, assholes

EmoryDawg said...

Same old Helen Hunt shit. Please try soomething new

beastieDawg said...

You make Richt look stupid. He is not. He is really really smart

clemsonfanatic said...

Fuck UGA. They can't take a joke. We own their ass.

TigerPawTattoo said...

funny stuff...Georgia sucks and stafford is fat

dawgneil said...

This weak stuff.

LWS said...

Dawgneil. You are a dick. Stay off our site

AUGreg1 said...

I am glad we don't play you guys this year. I could not stand for you to make fun of Coach T.

Keep up the good work. Can't wait for Bama

alesky said...

This quality work. Exactly the kind of read I appreciate

AllmanDawg said...

No information on Ray Goff? What kind of research did you do for this article? Not much. Sure he sucked as a coach, but he was our leader in 76 in the sugar bowl. Tearaway jersies?

We will kick ya'lls ass this saturday

Grommit said...

This is gold pure gold. We own UGA

Tommy Bowden said...

Richt is a weird dude. Like you said, really a tight ass.

dawgneil said...

I am already sick of this site. Its only monday and I have a headache.

You are not funny. Stop posting bad things about UGA. I mean it. Stop!!

dawgneil said...

I left negative comments on Clemson and Gridscape about this story. I am really sick to my stomach over this site. Please stop writing bad things about the Dawgs

clemsonjim said...

Figures the Dawgs would cry and complain about this. They cry everytime we stomp them on field.

TigerRag1 said...

Fuck all of you. Clemson fans are closet Dawg Fans. We hope to get some of Richt's manseed on our chins as he teabags us. I mean teabags us "hard" too.

So fuck you and your site

LWS said...

You clemson people are really odd. Hope Spurrier hangs 50 on you

old#7 said...

He's the guy I'd want my son to play for. Not saying he's the best coach, but he is a heck of a man. And when it's all said and done, wins/losses don't mean crap...it's the values they instill in these kids that really matters. That is why I love Coach Fulmer, and that is why I like Richt.

I know, sappy, but I believe that to be true.

WVVol said...

It is sappy. Go join the clemson site. They don't have any balls either. It is UGA week, you can hate this guy for a week. Geez....

I post on Volquest if you need to find me...Pussy

tigerpaw said...

Fuck that Tigerrag guy. He is a fucking shitbag. UGA sucks dog dicks.

Richt sucks too

DawgNeil said...

Please delete this article. Mark Richt is our Captain. Nobody really makes fun of him. I implore you to delete this article

VolNinja said...

He is a good man. I wish he coached at UT or even maybe I could be a Dawg fan. Which would be easier to do?

VolinMacon said...

Some of you Vols fans make mne sick. Man up and hate UGA, get over the Mark Richt man-crush. You will have ample time to blow him during the bye week

bdawg82 said...

I chuckled a bit. But I find the comments contain much more in the way of hilarity. People are too sensitive.

AfricaVol said...

As a Volfan, I am tired of people like you making fun of other schools.

We are better than that.