Friday, October 20, 2006

College Football's Axis of Evil

Columbia — Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the "Axis of Evil," South Carolina, LSU and Ole Miss today announced they had formed the "Axis of Just as Evil," which they said would be way eviler than that stupid UGA, Bama and Florida Gator Axis, the Losers with Socks website warned.

Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the new axis as having, for starters, a really gay name. "Right. They are Just as Evil... in their wettest dreams!" declared Urban Meyer. "Everybody knows we're the best evils... best at being evil... we're the best."

Officials from the University of South Carolina denied they were jealous over being excluded, although they conceded they did ask if they could join the Axis of Evil.

"They told us it (Axis of Evil) was full, it’s tough to explain to our players and fans. Our school has sucked for so long (3 bowl appearances all time) and no one really respects us. Dadgumit, we have tried the “black out” (A pathetic attempt for psyching out the opponent. Typically, the Gamecocks lost both of their “blacked-out” games.), frankly we are just not that scary" said Cock Coach Steve Spurrier.

"An Axis can't have more than three schools," explained Bama Coach Mike Shula. "This is not my rule, its tradition. In World War II you had Germany, Italy, and Japan in the evil Axis. So you can only have three. And a secret handshake. Ours is “fucking” cool, Shula said dropping a patented ‘Shula F-Bomb’."

THE AXIS PANDEMIC

National reaction to LWS’s Axis of Evil declaration was swift, as within minutes, as Southern Cal rattled it’s sabers by scoring another touchdown on Arkansas.

Elsewhere, peer-conscious schools rushed to gain triumvirate status in what became a game of Geo-BCS Musical chairs. Ohio State, Michigan, and Penn State said they had formed the Axis of Somewhat Evil, forcing Nebraska to join with Texas and Oklahoma in the Axis of Occasionally Evil, while Southern Cal, Colorado and UTEP established the Axis of Not So Much Evil Really As Just Generally Disagreeable.

With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable clubs filling up, Louisville, West Virginia, and Virginia Tech applied to be called the Axis of Schools That Aren't the Worst But Certainly Should NOT Be Asked to a BCS Bowl Game; Florida State, Miami, and Kentucky formed the Axis of Schools That Are Actually Quite Nice But Secretly Have Nasty Thoughts About Tim Tebow, while Clemson, Georgia Tech, and Vanderbilt established the Axis of Schools That Sometimes Ask Sheep to Wear Lipstick.

"That's not a threat, really, sheep are just something we like to do," said Clemson Coach Tommy Bowden.

While wondering if the other schools across the NCAA weren't perhaps making fun of them, a cautious LWS granted approval for most axes, although they rejected the establishment of the Axis of Schools Whose Names End in "State," accusing one of its members of filing a false application. Officials from Boise State, Fresno State, and Shippensburg State denied the charges.

Independent Notre Dame, meanwhile, insisted it didn't want to join any Axis, but privately, School Officials said that's only because no one asked them.

HT Satirewire

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

Nice adaptation. I had read the article before and you guys did a nice job with it

Anonymous said...

I don't know why that Roy guy is bitching about a source. I see it listed on there. Some people must be sad all of the time

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
the tide will rise said...

Bama is back

Anonymous said...

Gold:

National reaction to LWS’s Axis of Evil declaration was swift, as within minutes, as Southern Cal rattled it’s sabers by scoring another touchdown on Arkansas.