A Conversation With Lou Holtz’s Drool
LWS: So you've been living with Lou Holtz since the 80's. How does it feel finally to be recognized? LHDROOL: It's never easy keeping a secret. I'm just glad that it's all out in the open now. LWS: Has Lou had to change his busy routine at all since you came into his life? LHDROOL: Let me tell you, keeping up with him has been a royal pain in the ass. That guy is go-go-go, all the time. There was that time that he was so busy with the ESPY Awards, he got distracted and forgot to bring extra bibs. That would have turned the average guy's dress shirt into Sizzlean. But Lou collapsed for two minutes, got up, brushed himself off and coordinated a shameless man-crush plug for the Bobby Petrino like nothing happened.
(Lou refuses to wear this Bib, says the colors reminds him of South Carolina and NCAA investigations)
LWS: That guy's a dynamo! LHDROOL: He's still eating fifteen Butterfingers a day. I don't know how he does it. LWS: It sounds like you really admire him. LHDROOL: I do admire his courage. I've been trying to take him down for twenty years, and I just can't get traction. Once I had him changing his head position every ten minutes during a College Gameday, but he just had an assistant bring him empty Evian bottles to collect me in. LWS: They don't call him "Granny" for nothing. LHDROOL: That nickname really bugs me. Granny, my ass. I'm adult-drooling, motherfucker, and teenagers ain't getting the same kinda mandible issues as Lou Holtz. You listen to him talk? His bottom lip looks like a horse trough LWS: Whoa, sounds like we touched a nerve. LHDROOL: Let's call an "persistent drooling" spade a spade, OK? I've seen this guy's insides. Everything's held together with denture glue and spackle. I respect the guy, but I'm gonna get him. I'm shooting for when a Big East Team wins the BCS Title. LWS: Isn't that in about 23 years? LHDROOL: I'm just biding my time, brother. He's gonna let his guard down one of these days.
[Editor note: Adult Drooling is forecast as a Panademic equal to the Bird Flu]