Monday, October 16, 2006

An LWS Exclusive: Mike Shula gets Candid in a One on One Interview

I was amazed to get the chance to interview the Coach of the Alabama Crimson Tide. His face has graced the cover of magazines ranging from Athlon to National Geographic. I am speaking of the one , the only, Mike Shula. He agreed to do a light dinner at Taco Bell before he had to rush off and do a coaching clinic at a small high school nearby. He ordered a rather hardy meal consisting of 5 soft shell tacos and a Belle Grande Nacho Supreme while I opted for a Diet Coke.

As the interview was about to begin, it seemed he was staring off at something just behind my left shoulder. Upon turning, I realized nothing was there, and that perhaps his eye had drifted off. I chalked it up to his busy schedule and proceeded. LWS: John Parker Wilson (pictured below). He has really beefed up for his role as your starting quarterback. When we last saw him as Brodie Croyle's backup, he could barely fill out a pair of half-britches and a wool vest. Now it seems his rifle arm is being shown everywhere. What was it like to touch that Joe-Willie like arm?

MS: It was spectacular. But also kind of weird. He would always come up and ask me to touch his throwing arm. Between plays, y'know? Of course I'd oblige, but he always laughed like he was high or something. LWS: Intriguing. I'm hoping for quite an extensive behind-the-scenes extra on the rumor that you are going to "turn it on" for the big Tennessee game this weekend? MS: Yes, actually. We have had a plan in place for several months just for Tennessee. We played "vanilla" for the first half of the season camouflaging our explosiveness and our complex offensive schemes. Duke, Hawaii , Vandy Ole Miss and Florida were just feints, ruses and deceptions.I gotta watch my back, MTV is pushing that Hoover guy…Rush Probst (below)…all over the local media here. Gotta make him go away. Thank God for the KeepMikeShula website. The Bama fans love it and I really don't think that they "get" it. But hey, that's OK too. Nobody is the wiser.

It was at this point that I realized he was flexing and relaxing his biceps rapidly, a coy grin vapidly sitting upon his rather wide classic visage. I glanced at his arm , and pointed my pen at it. LWS: It seems you are working out as well. Are you on a new routine? MS: I am working out. Wanna feel? I nodded, and rather prodded his right bicep with my pen. Indeed , the muscle was rock hard and bristled at the barest touch angrily. MS: Actually, it was Coach [Name Redacted] who hooked me up with these totally kick ass anabolic-androgenic steroids. After like...a week of use I could feel my ass totally firming up. I almost choked on a small sip of diet coke while he continued in an eerily non-chalant manner. MS: I wear a ton of Under Armour stuff, since Auburn wears Under Armour; I believe that through wearing Auburn gear, I can really understand how Tubberville's mind works. I need to get some of Tubberville's Click Clack.

Suddenly, his drifting range of sight made a disturbing amount of sense. LWS: I...see. Are you aware that steroids have certain side effects that are not good? MS: Oh, totally. My wax bill every week is phenomenal. Let's just say I hope the Tennessee game goes as well as the last one, or I'm screwed. You should have seen the hair they got off my shoulders the other day. It looked like a cat stuck to fly-paper.

(I am hairy where it counts)

As I proceeded to actually choke on my soft drink, Shula must have discovered a discrepancy in his order as he flung a soft shell taco to the table in disgust. MS: WHAT THE FUCK? I ASKED FOR EXTRA SOUR CREAM. THOSE FUCKING DOUCHE-BAG RETARDS FUCKED UP MY TACO. I'M GONNA FUCKIN' CHOKE THEM! For a brief moment, based on the sheer explosiveness of the outburst, I thought that Ed "Batshit Crazy" Orgeron had entered the restaurant. I quickly recovered and made the mistake of trying to restrain the now enraged Coach Shula , but he shrugged me off like a golden retriever shedding water. After picking myself out of a nearby booth, I could only watch in horror as he made good on his threat to choke the cook. After about 20 minutes of a more than ample use of the phrases "Illiterate Ole Miss Rejects" and "douche-bag retards" , Coach Shula and I were escorted to the parking lot where I finished the interview. LWS: What are your future plans, once you are done with the Alabama franchise? MS: You mean after I have my people track down that motherfucker's (Taco Bell employee) address so I can beat the shit out of his family? I don't know. Probably another coming-of-age teen drama. He smiled at me then, crushed my fingers in a farewell handshake, and promptly left me sitting on a handicapped parking space bumper to contemplate the past hour of my life. Ole Miss Fans: Don't ever screw up a taco for a coach juiced up on steroids.


Anonymous said...

I looked at the other blogs...they have a lot more traffic and they're not half as funny as this one. What gives?

Anonymous said...

I just read on gridscape that the humor here might be above the averqage SEC Football fan

Anonymous said...

Add more pictures. I like picutres

Anonymous said...

You fellers are funny. I read you everday