An LWS Exclusive: Chris Leak Speaks Out

LWS was able to secure an interview with the reclusive Florida Gator Quarterback Chris Leak. Chris is doggedly pursuing his 4^th consecutive National Championship (well he did promise) as the Gator Quarterback. Leak doesn’t grant interviews often since his “medical condition” was publicized last season. Chris has agreed to the interview under one condition, that we do not mention his sharting problems. Leak told us that if he felt comfortable that he would address his sharting problems. Only if he felt that it would alleviate Florida Fans concerns of how his sharting affected his game performance. We are meeting at a neutral site located in the town of Florala Alabama. Chris has brought along his girlfriend, Donna, as support for what promises to be an emotionally charged interview.

(Urban and Leak share a moment. Urban appears to be reaching for a "biscuit". Check the shirt of the prototype Gator Fan)

LWS: Chris thanks for driving up from Gainesville to meet with us today.

CL: It was no trouble, just remember the rules for interview or its over, OK? Mention the word “Shart” just once, and I am adios outta here

LWS: Fine, we like rules Chris, we need them. I promise not to mention that..word…Scouts Honor

CL: I have read your other interviews and I really wonder if you can behave or not. Well, go ahead and start it.

LWS: Chris, I see you are wearing Jorts today, like a proud member of the Gator Nation.

CL: Jorts are a way of life in Gainesville. Hey did you know that we have a practice uniform that features Jorts? It’s a small way to honor our fans.

LWS: Wow, Jorts are a way of life…Does Coach Urban wear Jorts?

CL: That smug bastard doesn’t wear them. You’re not going to print that are you? I guess it not part of the Briscoe High Team uniform.

LWS: Don’t sweat it, I will consider it “off the record”. Let me ask this, Coach Orgeron doesn’t believe that his players really need to know how to read. How has this affected your ability to throw the ball?

CL: What? Coach O? what the hell does that have to with anything?

LWS: Chris, would you like a fudgesicle? [I unwrap a fudgesicle from my travel cooler]

CL: That’s it! This interview is over, Donna get your shit and let’s get out of here

LWS: Easy there big guy, what’s the problem? It’s just a fudgesicle for God sakes

CL: [standing up and adjusting himself in his jorts] No discussion of sharting! Remember the rules of the interview? Donna get the Trans Am ready

LWS: Chris, I am sorry. I forgot that the students throw these at you, please it’s an honest mistake. It’s just a sweet treat. You know, like they give Bama players for felony arrests as discipline?

CL: OK fine [Leak sits back down], Donna hold up. I hate to drive all the way here for a couple of questions. I will let the man ask his questions

LWS: Thanks Chris. Is Tim Tebow the missing piece this team needs to get back to the SEC Championship Game and lose while showing absolutely no sense of urgency?

CL: What the fuck is wrong with you? Tebow is my backup. I am the missing piece.

LWS: Well, after The Bow’s father and your Dad Curtis had that big catfight to decide who would start, I thought it was pretty much decided that The Bow would be #1. After all, Curtis got his ass whipped pretty good…

CL: That’s bullshit. Coach Meyer decides who starts and who doesn’t start. Not parents. Besides my Dad beat up his Dad.

LWS: Is it hard to use the team bathroom when The Bow’s Dad is administering a blumpkin to Coach Meyer two stalls over? CL: I don't know what a blumpkin is.

LWS: Does The Bow bring Urban a shiny apple for each team meeting?

CL: No

(Meyer shown above, secretly promoting The Bow for Sharting Quarterback)

[I decide to exploit the sharting angle, I must proceed with caution the fudgesicle almost ended the interview]

LWS: Is Urban Myer fat? I swear it looks like he eats pie all day. What is your opinion of the spread option?

[I detect the faint but growing odor of ass, Did Chris just shart?]

CL: Coach is not fat and you may have noticed I am not really comfortable running the spread option

LWS: Yeah Chris your discomfort is very obvious. Talk me through the mechanics of calling a play call in the huddle, how do you “mind-meld” with Urban?

CL: It’s not a mind-meld, it’s a mindfuck. Coach Meyer hates me, I know he does. I mean why does he always call the option play? Why? To see me shit myself in front of millions of people? He is a sick bastard.

(Meyer asks," Guess who just Shart themself")

LWS: Go ahead Chris, what else? Please tell us, there are millions of others with your …uhm…condition

CL: Well, it it’s…like I kinda poop myself when I hear or think of running that play. I hate being hit.

LWS: Wow, that’s important, what do the other players think? I mean when you shit yourself, do they like say, “Chris you really smell like open ass?” That has got to mess with your head

CL: I gotta go, this is really embarrassing, Ah shit, I think I just sharted again. It’s like the 3^rd time I’ve done this to myself since we started. I am really sorry. I only brought one change of underwear, I gotta get out of here

[I sense things are going my way now, I can’t resist now that I know that the word “option” creates sphincter failure for Chris]

LWS: Chris? You guys want these fudgesicles for the return trip?

CL: Fuck you [as he stands up to leave, he has both hands on his ass as if he is hiding something]. This was a set-up.

LWS: I just wanted to give you guys an OPTION for the trip home

[Leak shrieks that his "ass burns" and begins to alternate between a hobble and run, he literally hops towards the waiting car. He clearly has shit himself, confirmed by the putrid smell of ass filling the room]

LWS: I yell after him “Thanks for coming Chris, I hope Tennessee kick your ass, bring a extra underwear” [Leak extends his golden arm with a flexed bird finger in the air as the car speeds south]

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