Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Chatting with Urban Meyer

We here at the LWS are very fortunate to have Coach Urban Meyer , Head Coach of the University of Florida, here to answer questions from our readers. We appreciate the hundreds of comments and email submitted. Based on Coach's schedule we will present as many questions as possible. LWS: Coach, Thanks for coming back. I am sure that yesterday was a fluke, a "perfect storm" in your very perfect life. UM: Thanks for having me. I don't want people to think that I am a incompetent crackhead dick. LWS: Nobody thinks that you are dick . Let's get started with the questions. UM: I am ready, fire away... LWS: The first question is from Big D

"Ask him how many arms he's had to regrow after ripping them off to beat his runningbacks when they underperform."

UM: Our backs suck. If I am using Harvin, things suck.

LWS: Well, lets try Irishjihad,

"Does he weep after a Bob Tebow-administered blumpkin?"

UM: I cry often, happy or sad. Bob "Blumpkin" Tebow makes me feel both happy and sad and a little dirty

LWS: Coach, I am not a bit shocked by that response Coach. On to the next question from ZZGator.

"Does he really hate Chris Leak?"

UM: As reported by this website, I indeed hate Chris Leak. I love it when I call the option and he shits himself. He hates being hit and I hate watching him slide or run out of bounds to avoid contact. He is a pussy.

LWS: A little harsh on Leak, Coach?

UM: He is what he is...A Nancy..

LWS: Next question is from TeethInc.

"Does he really have us practice in Jorts?"

UM: What the fuck is wrong with you Teeth? You call yourself a Gator fan and ask a dumbass question like that? Of course we do, Jorts are required travel attire for away games. I don't want anyone thinking we are one of those other Florida schools. Jorts are our signature. OK? Next question.

LWS: Wow, this is good stuff Coach, here is one from Ed: "Can your players read?" UM: Ed, not all of them. Chris Leak can't read a lick. You ever listen to him speak? He needs subtitles. LWS: Next question is from Zookster "Does he like using my recruits?" UM: Fuck you Ron. If you were half the coach I am, you would still be here instead of fucking up Illinois. It was said that the cupbard was full when I got here. So thanks a lot. BTW, where did you leave the offensive lineman? I need a couple. I will say this, in my innovative and dynamic Spread Option Offense, Offensive Lineman are optional. That is why I recruit 10-15 wide receivers in each class. LWS: Next is a question from trahstae ("eat shart" backwards) "Has Urban ever been President of Peru?" UM: Another dumbass question, where did you find these tools? In Peru, I was the leader of the Maoist Group known as the Shining Path. Next. LWS: From Everyday Should Be Saturday's Orson: "Does he prefer Hellmans or Kraft Mayo?" UM: Hellman's, asswipe. It is a fucking macho mayo, Hell- Man? Really easy stuff here. LWS: McRad has 2 part question: "Boxers or briefs?" and "Jorts or Bermudas" UM: I freeball and this guy is obviously not a Gator, Jorts all day. I sleep and bang in Jorts. Ask Tebow's dad, he knows LWS: Here is a good one, a question that a lot of people want to hear the answer. gymgator asked: "What's the best detergent to use to get out shart stains?" UM: My staff is working hard to find something. Chris Leak is absolutely destroying my uniform budget sharting 2 maybe 3 times a game. I have gone to making him wear Depends Underwear. But he always exceeds the structural limits of the diaper. To answer the question, nothing works. LWS: Mike Shula wants to know: "How did you punish your players during the AK-47 incident? I used Ice Cream and it has worked out really well." UM: First Mike, your a dumb ass too. I sweep my problems under the carpet. Pretend they don't happen and it works out fine. I have a Leadership Council among the players, comprised of my most illiterate players. Using ice cream, nice touch Mike. I hope your player is on the field. Two more questions and I got to go LWS: Let me pick a couple of good ones then. Here we go, HGator, TheoGator GatorTheo (Admin note, the tard gave us the wrong name and then wanted to correct it) and GordonGecko all want to know : "Can you teabag us while you hum Rocky Top? This is our fantasy, please complete us." UM: Guys, today is your lucky day. I will text you the time and the place. LWS: HGator, lucky day for you! Last question is from Big Ole Nasty Gator: "Don't you think you are much smarter and sophisticated than the average Florida fan? I mean we are fucking stupid people." UM: You are stupid people, yes. Hey, let's do one more, this is fun LWS: Alright then, here is the last question from Passover Gator: "Where do you buy your penis floss?" UM: I love flossing my penis. Makes me feel clean after a Blumpkin. I buy it on-line, Overstock is the best place to find quality penis floss. Thanks for having me. Thanks for the questions. I hope we can do this again soon. LWS: Coach thanks for taking time to answer some tough questions.


Graves said...

Certified Gold.

This is also fucking hilarious

maynardspelledbackwardsisgod said...

took you long enough to figure out trahstae is eatshart backwards. Jesus fucking Christ you're a Goddamn genius.

tooloflon said...

I've noticed that you use comment moderation in a more nazi-like fashion than even trent and bob.

cencorship is for pussies.

pirateaskedmetomarryhim said...

Could you guys please control your language? There are recruits reading this board daily and accoding to Trent, Bob, and Harry Thrift, we have already turned 10-39 recruits away from Tennessee.

big d said...

I wish somebody had saved the Urban Legend thread from last year.

Anonymous said...

Funny shit. Leak shits himself when the option is called - genius.