Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Beano "The Hoff" Cook and Brent "Woody" Musburger Throw Down

ABC and ESPN have turned Beano Cook and Brent Musburger in wildly-popular personalities. Their talent to capture the hearts and minds of their viewers is undeniable. The in-depth analysis below—based on ten whole minutes of research on EDSBS, Deadspin, Google, The Wizard of Odds the Urban Dictionary, and Wikipedia—asks the BIG question: “Who would win in a fight?” After you read our assessment, we'd like to know what you think: Carroll Hoff "Beano" Cook Height: 5'10" Weight: est. 285lbs Born: September 1, 1931 (Coincidently the same day that Paul "Bear" Bryant opens his infamous 10-day football mini-camp in Junction, Texas: The Junction Boys). Education: B.A. from the University of Pittsburgh in 1954. Strengths:
• Nicknamed at the age of seven from a neighbor in Pittsburgh, a reference to Cook's flatulence “issues”.
Developed the “Perfect Storm” Tailgate Kit. First person in recorded history to use Penis Floss as an offensive and defensive weapon on the contiguous battlefield. • Same middle name as the famous Baywatch actor: Know in Germany as The Hoff • Fire-in-the-Belly: Musburger is holding Beano down; Musburger’s Man Crushes are much more publicized. Anyone remember the A.J. Hawk love-fest from the Fiesta Bowl? Weaknesses: • His legendary flatulence problems can be debilitating to Beano (and his foe) • Insanely Afraid of the JoePa: This would be difficult for Musburger to exploit, he’s crafty. • Still has a panniculus ( could also be a strength) Brent Woody Musburger Height: est.6’2” Weight: est. 180lbs. Born: May 26, 1939 (Shares a birthday with Hank Williams Jr.) in Portland, Oregon Education: Unknown Strengths: • Amateur Herpetologist; once reversed constricted a 10 foot Python. The enormous snake died within 10 minutes trapped in Musburger’s deadly coils. Has a game named for him. •Athletic: Rumored to have two penises. Hence the middle name “Woody” Weaknesses: • Predictability: Musburger telegraphs his moves ahead of time. Ask Pete Carroll. • Complacency: Musburger is on top right now and may rely on his recent success to heavily. He may underestimate Beano, which would be a huge mistake. Bottom Line: Both Brent and Beano would bring a lot to the match. Brent is crafty, agile, and may have two penises. He’s certainly the people’s favorite, but not by an incredibly huge margin. Plus, Musburger has been know to have hallucinations about grappling small woodland creatures, he might not be very good at fighting. Beano has the weight, reach, experience, fire in the big belly, and the power of God on his side. Plus, if he fights as he is losing his man-crush Jimmy Clausen (pictured below) to another person, it’s a lock. Big Ten Homers know fighting; it’s what they do. Prediction: Brent (the underdog), by split decision…with Beano contesting the results of the votes.

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