Monday, September 04, 2006

Ainge-E, Ainge-E Interview Part 2: Post California

I was surprised when an inquiry I had made hit the jackpot at around 11PM last night. One of Erik Ainge’s representatives returned my call and explained that he would do an interview as long as he got to choose the place and time. We had had some “issues” in our prior interview

So 2AM finds me in a skybox of Neyland Stadium across the table from the genius behind the ass-whipping of the 9th ranked Cal Bears. My pad ready, my pen poised, micro-tape recorder humming, I launch into my questions. JOE: First of all, I must say that I really enjoy your passing exhibition against Cal. There is nothing quite as delightful as seeing the ESPN College Gameday celebrities we all worship eating crow and revealing that their insecurities are just as vibrant as our own. How did you develop prepare for this game? EA: Well, it all started out during a poker game. My buddies and I thought it would be great if we could use our star status to run up the score on a Top Ten team then we would have some really awesome pranks during the game. You know, rub it in their faces? It was all ruined when Coach Fulmer decided to take the starters out in the 3rd Quarter, pissed my ass off. Why aren't you drinking your kamikazee? I glance at the cocktail before me and blink. Tentatively taking a sip, I notice Ainge is visibly relaxed and takes a pull off his own beverage. JOE: Hmm. Yes, very good. Who can we expect from you next week against Air Force? EA: Well, I can't really reveal stuff like that. I don't want any assholes like Mark May getting a jump on me! He has an enormous noggin. Have you ever noticed how big his head is compared to the rest of his body? Ainge then laughed very loudly before glancing around the vacated tables nervously. He had this annoying habit of rocking back and forth in his chair while wiping his hands on his thighs constantly. JOE: Well, on to your future. You have had a string of successes in then past. When you beat Georgia at Athens a couple of years ago, a game that has clearly became a cult classic for Vols Fans. What was your favorite play in the game? EA: My favorite what? JOE: ...Play. Which play was the most enjoyable for you in the Georgia game? A car backfired some distance down the street and Ainge knocked the table over in his intense need to drop down. After I righted it, and helped him to his feet, he flashed that smile at me and laughed awkwardly. EA: Sorry about that. I... Ainge trailed off idly and began to walk towards a darker corner on the skybox. He swatted at it before trotting back, hat set jauntily over his earring-less pierced ears. EA: Thought I saw something over there. You know, like a camera or something. Who did you say you were with? JOE: I have a collection of interviews I've had with various Volunteer players and coaches that I update on the internet. It’s a hobby of mine. I have interviewed you before, Remember? Now, as I had asked previously... EA: You sure? I thought I saw you at Jon Crompton’s dorm that one time I made him cry. Weren't you like his cyber-stalker or something? JOE: No...No. I just post on the Loser With Socks Blog. Remember? Our previous interview? EA: No, I swear I've seen you before. JOE: Well, perhaps...since I have interviewed you before, last week? It was featured on Deadspin and Wizard of Odds…???? EA: Wait. Are you the driver for Lou Holtz? JOE: No. EA: You seem nervous, why are you saying no to all my questions? I sputtered for a moment at the sheer stupidity of that question. JOE: Well, perhaps it’s because you are assuming things that are wrong? EA: Whoa! No need to get all pissed off. At this point a camera crew exploded from the shadows, zooming in on me as Ainge started laying high fives around and pointing at me and laughing. I simply stood there until the silence became heavy. EA: Oh man! I just punked your ass! Hahaha, this is to fucking funny. JOE: ...No one knows who I am. You just played a practical joke, if it can be called that, on someone no one will even recognize. EA: But aren't you that guy who fetches Trev Albert’s coffee? JOE: Jesus Christ! No! I'm just a regular guy! EA: Its ok. At this point I was seething. No one in my past experience has ever infuriated me this way. Somehow, I felt myself on the point of violence. It was at this point that I launched myself over the table in an explosion of unbridled 195 lbs of fury. I was in the process of forcefully introducing the back of Ainge's skull to the cement below when I was finally pulled off of him by one of his crew. EA: Holy fuck! Holy Shit Fuck! You attacked me! JOE: You are a little prick fucking monkey shining asshole! The cameras were still rolling at this point. Ainge was being escorted back to the stairwell, leaving me to gather my things. The last thing I remember hearing is him asking one his crew if I "looked like the guy that did Chris Fowler’s laundry". I threw my little umbrella from my drink at him. That fucker….

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