Monday, September 25, 2006

Memphis Coach says: I Helped Coach O to Erect the Memphis Fence

[LWS was able to interview Memphis Tiger Head Coach Tommy West. The Tigers tangle with the Tennessee Volunteers this Saturday.]

The following interview between Tommy West and LWS took place “outside the wire” near Memphis TN, on September 24, 2006. “Outside the Wire” is defined as outside of the fence that surrounds the City of Memphis. Ed Orgeron, who bragged he'd erect a "fence around Memphis" for recruiting, but after the last two seasons, he'd be better off trying to build a fence around Oxford.

(A shot of the Memphis City Limits as of 9/24/06)

LWS: Coach, firstly thanks for giving us your time. I know it’s hard for you to get out and away from the fence.

Tommy West: Thanks very much, I'm enjoying it so far. [Coach West begins to ravenously eat a Hardees Hamburger]

LWS - Hungry Coach? You should eat a little slower, enjoy the meal.

TW - Listen punk [ He has a little mayo on the corner of his mouth] I'm a Memphis Tiger. Food is food. I'm fucking starving. I would eat an entire Chippendales revue right now and wash it down with Siegfried and Roy without batting an eyelash.

LWS - Well, that sounded gay.

TW - Do you check every burger you eat to make sure there's no bull meat in it?

LWS - Of course not.

TW - Then maybe you're gay.

LWS - It's not the same and you know it. Besides, you could have said you would have eaten the Beavers or some firemen. But you went for Chippendales and Siegfried and Roy. Let's just call those interesting choices.

TW - Dude. Siegfried, Roy. Tigers. Hello?

LWS - Can you tell us something about your pre-Orgeron life.

TW - I was the former Clemson head football coach who came to Memphis in 2000 as defensive coordinator, was hired as the Tigers' 21st head coach on November 30, 2000. My hiring has proven to be very beneficial for the U of M football program, I like to think that I am popular coach because I have lead my Tigers to a 24-13 record the last three years, as well as three-consecutive bowl appearances for the first time ever in Tiger football history.

TW - You met Coach O at a roller-skating rink is that right?

TW – What the fuck? Yeah. My cousin introduced me to Orgeron. We got along really good at first, both of us really like Roller Derby.

LWS - I'd like to play a little word association game with you now. I'll say a word or words and you say the first thing that comes to your mind, okay?

TW - I will play along. For a while.

LWS – DeAngelo Williams

TW – Apple strudel

LWS – Spread Option

TW- Blumpkins

LWS – Fences

TW – Pronouns

LWS – Interesting answers Coach

TW – M.E.M.P.H.I.S.

LWS- (How did he just add those periods to Memphis?) Coach, we’re done with the word association game.

TW – I know

LWS - So let’s stop dancing Coach. I want to commend you on your bravery in dealing with Coach O. What is your pain?

TW – It was servitude. He told me I had to do 'Anything'. When he asked me to go to work with him, I said 'Doing what?' and he said 'Anything I need'. He said driving and taking care of things for him.

LWS - Excuse me, I get a little choked up when I hear you tell it like that. What was going through you mind?

TW - Because we had fun at first, erecting the fence around the city. The responsibilities weren't there. The security wasn't like it was for him at USC, it wasn't like it was going to be in '04 when he was recruiting in Southern California, it was a different ballgame. But we had some of the Memphis Mafia guys on the gate and so forth. But we just had fun, we'd pull pranks. The crews, they all wanted to get back on Coach O’s fence. At Oxford and Jackson wherever we were, people couldn’t wait to get back because the Coach O’s fence erection was so much fun. The players loved him; they were included in the pranks and getting him and so on. We had a good time and there wasn't a lot of pressure. And at that time, O was still able to go out on the streets and not draw huge crowds like he did later. He was more of a movie star then than a football coach.

LWS – Eventually the relationship went sour, why?

TW - Well, it’s really awkward and hard for me to talk about. One late night, after several zinfandels, he confessed his sins. He showed me the fence paperwork. The fence around Memphis was for Ole Miss. Ole Miss only. I wept…

LWS – Is this the purchase order for the fencing? [I hand him the paper below)

(Click Image to enlarge)

TW - Yes. Yes, it is. I get extremely emotional when I see that paper.

LWS - How do you feel about the whole thing?

TW - There are times when I wish I hadn’t help build the fence. There are times when I feel com… Compelled to do it. If you asked me, would I do it again, do I think it’s worth it? Yeah I think it’s worth it.

LWS - When did you know “it” was over?

TW – He changed the lock on the gate and didn’t tell me. Here is the old key he gave me. It don’t unlock anything anymore. Sometimes, I hold that key real tight.

LWS – Uhhh, alright then….I mean that’s cool. How does Coach O get along with other coaches?

TW – O has had some great relationships. There was Les Miles, he was cold and aloof. The ice queen, this and that. But O’s charm… a few days being around him, he just wore right down. He started cutting up with us. O just defrosted him. He also had a great relationship with Mike Shula. O went after him from the first SEC Media Days. He thought he was adorable: he was petite like he liked. The chemistry was there.

LWS – So Coach O is coming out with a fragrance?

TW – Its going to be called “Orgerons Ball Sweat Cologne”

LWS - Uuuhmm that’s pretty interesting.

TW - (laughs) Yeah, it’s interesting all right. That's what ruined our relationship; he I came up with the idea and took full credit for it. I really thought that he needed to get away from his titty twisting and wild boyz image.

LWS – So the fence is built, he changes the lock to the gate, declares Memphis is really in Mississippi and the thing that destroys your relationship is his new cologne?

TW – Yes, I am so ashamed, I can’t recruit in my own city. Ole Miss now looks at us as their “signature” game now. Coach O is my Coach Red Beaulieu and I am his Coach Klein (Seen Below).

{sensing that TW was turning into jelly, and useless to continue, I decided to end the interview}

LWS - Thank you again for meeting with me. Any advice for our readers?

TW - Yeah. Don’t ever try to fuck with me or I’ll have you in shit up to your ears.

(As Always, these interviews are satire and fiction. Not to be construed as real or the truth)


Anonymous said...

This is a bogus representation.

The purchase order is a manufactured dummie.

The fence pictured has been hijacked from the website without permission and will be renamed ASAP. The picture is of Mayflower Moving on Highway 51 North of Watkins, one of the most secure fences in the city of Memphis.


LWS said...


It is satire, it's not real, it's pretend. It never ever ever happened.

Anonymous said...

I understand and appreciate the satire aspect. I have a problem with anyone who links to hosted site content without permission.

It's all about the bandwidth, mango.

I don't mind sharing content with anyone if they simply ask.

I hope that you and your bloggers have a great day!