Tuesday, September 12, 2006
Coach Urban: Recruiting Monster
My cell phone began to buzz, buzz like an angry bee. I should have known, Coach Urban was texting me. The man is incredibly incredible. Using advanced communications to communicate. Incredible. A recruiting monster. At any rate, I thought my triumphant interview with the misunderstood and tragically flawed Chris Leak might lure the heralded and talented Coach Urban to a one-on-one interview. The interview was held at a corner greasy spoon in Opp Alabama. I ordered a cheeseburger and he had a tall Pepsi (figures he would be a Pepsi guy). Coach Meyer was in Lower Alabama recruiting and I quickly found out that he was very dynamic and engaging. LWS: Urban, thanks for agreeing to this interview. I must say between football practice, recruiting and Briscoe High, you are incredible. UM: Thanks. After reading that very disturbing interview you published with my sharting QB, I needed come on-line and straighten some things out. I feel that Chris Leak really needs my support. LWS: First of all, is it true that you are going release an album? Why a music album? UM: The album is “close hold”. How did you find out about it? Oh hell, you will print this so I might as well tell you about it. I want to maintain a technological edge, Duh! I created the text messaging recruits phenomena and now the NCAA has crashed my damn party. This is something that recruits can play and hear my voice all of the time. And it is like, so easy. Some guy with sideburns, like writes the lyrics, and then this Asian chick totally sings the back up lyrics. I hope to make a video of the cool songs. I am really good at memorizing stuff, and then I can move my mouth to the words in the video. Then I get recruits. I am smarter than everyone else, do you see? LWS: I see. So you don't actually write or perform the songs. You lip synch? UM: You make it sound all bad! Seriously. If that European pop singer Lenny Kravitz does it, it’s got to be ok, because he is hot. LWS: Lenny Kravitz isn't European nor does he lip synch. I believe you are thinking of Milli Vanilli. UM: Whatever. Is Lilly Mavilly hot? LWS: Um...I'm not sure. Let’s move on. There are stories in the media concerning your new image and what might be the cause of that. The reports are that you hate Chris Leak. Any comment? UM: Yeah! The Spread Option in the SEC rocks! When I see a 265 pound Defensive End concave Leak’s sternum, I admit that I get a bit of a chub. Go Option!!!!! I am getting a chub right now thinking about it. LWS: You do realize many parents may feel this sort of message is negative. UM: Parents suck! LWS: I'm sorry to hear that. UM: No, I'm like totally serious. I love to watch Curtis Leak and Bob Tebow scrap. They really believe that it helps me pick a starter. All it does is get me hot. Bob Tebow introduced me to Blumpkins. I love those. LWS: Excuse me? UM: (Laughing) Yeah! I paid some guy like, twenty thousand dollars to attend practice and scream “Chris Leak Sucks” and another guy to scream “Tim Tebow sucks”. People say it was totally hot. LWS: Do you have a soul? UM: I sold it in my second year at Utah! (Laughing) [At this point I suppressed a shudder and finished off my burger. Then pressed on with the next question.] LWS: Is there a feud between you and Ed Orgeron? [Right after my question, he blinked at me a couple times then ran off to the restroom. When he returned, there were suspicious stains splattering his Gator Polo Shirt and his breath smelled of vomit. His nostrils were inflamed and a sheen of new sweat shined off of his forehead.] UM: No! But my SID and the Ole Miss SID say that if we pretend to like, hate each other, we both get a lot more attention. I can't believe I told you that! Is there truth syrup in this Pepsi? LWS: Did you just vomit? Holy shit, Coach O scares you. Does he give you titty twisters too? Coach Meyer then got up abruptly, throwing his napkin to the table and proceeded to scream at me. UM: I'M NOT FAT! YOU FAT FUCKING PIG! DRINK MORE OF YOUR FAT JUICE LOSER! THIS INTERVIEW IS OVER! He then kicked his chair over. The expenditure of stored caloric intake at this point ran out and he fainted. Several members of his staff rushed forward and assured me they knew what to do, it happens all the time, etc. I slowly backed away and made my exit.